If you are, then first of all, way to commit. And second of all, you probably don't care what intrepid film intern Evan Stewart has to say about it. But you should read his review anyway:

About three years late in TV’s recent slew of teen drama/comedies, ABC Family Channel’s GRΣΣK tells the annoying go-nowhere saga of a bunch of kids in the Greek system at the fictional Cyprus-Rhodes University. It combines all the intrigue of fraternity/sorority politics with the high drama of semi-casual relationships. If that doesn’t sound interesting to you, that’s because it isn’t.

Everybody at Cyprus-Rhodes seems to have the same problem: they can’t get over their ex-lovers. Rusty can’t get over Jen K., Cappie can’t get over Casey, Evan Chambers can’t get over Casey, and Casey can’t get over Cappie OR Evan Chambers! (These people are all as irritating as their stupid names would suggest.) Frankly, I can’t see why any of them can’t get over each other, since every character is so bland and middle-of-the-road, they’re nearly indistinguishable.

The tone of the show suffers from a similar problem: it can’t commit entirely to any one genre. It’s not funny enough to be a comedy, not dramatic enough to be a drama, and not interesting enough for me to watch ever again. I was a die-hard fan of The O.C. (before that surreal fourth season of garbage), a show that GRΣΣK mindlessly apes while missing what made it—and its recent idiot cousin Gossip Girl—so great: over-the-top crazy drama from good looking idiots.

If GRΣΣK cuts out the stupid plot devices like some teenager missing their old girlfriend (relatable! boring!), and starts having really stupid plot devices like someone doing porn to raise the money to pay their legal fees for killing their teacher, then I might start watching it. Maybe.

The film Helvetica is showing tonight on Independent Lens at 10:00 p.m. on channel 9.

Helvetica is a feature-length independent film about typography, graphic design, and global visual culture. It looks at the proliferation of one typeface (which recently celebrated its 50th birthday) as part of a larger conversation about the way type affects our lives.

Me too!

Which is why I'm SO GODDAMN EXCITED FOR TONIGHT!

Who's with me?

Sure, Battlenerd Gaspastica is returning on January 16, and Lost is back January 21—but F-bomb them! I have a new favorite show—a 25 year old Japanese kids program entitled "Kure Kure Takora," which loosely translates to "Gimme Gimme Octopus." See, it's about this octopus and his friend… I think it's a gourd or maybe a peanut… and they meet up with a computer who eats garlic, and… OH! I almost forgot about the ghost with a butcher knife, and… ah, screw it. Just watch.

Want more? Yes, you do. GO HERE!

Today is the birthday of both him and her.

(She's 65, he's dead (but would have been 80), and then there's this.)

Are your feet KILLING you? Well, they're killing me, because of their STINK. Finally there's a product that can solve both of our problems. It's the FOOT BRUSH. Simply squirt some suspicious goo onto the brush, and rub the stink right off your feet. Plus your footsies will be so invigorated, you'll feel like dancing all night in the co-op's rec room. THANK YOU, FOOT BRUSH!!

Tips to Everything's Terrible!

There's a reason I don't watch American cooking shows. And it's because they rarely feature women with ginormous funbags smashing them against defenseless watermelons. Prepare for your first big shock of 2009.

In case you were wondering about the origins of tonight's Stranger Suggests item—which includes a very special video greeting from Canada's favorite son Alan Thicke, TV defiler of Joanna Kerns and real-life father of uberhunk Robin Thicke—wonder no more. Says Beta Society spokeslady Leeni:

It's kind of a bizarre story.

Before we were "the Beta Society" we were "Seattle Neutrino Society," an improv film group. During that time, John Curley did an Evening Magazine segment on our show.

Backstage, Curley relayed a story to us about how he once met Alan Thicke. He mentioned that Thicke referred to himself in the third person as "Thicke" a lot. We found it pretty funny so this fictitious character of "The Thicke" was born and became a running joke in our group. Almost a year later, the jokes never ran dry so we had the idea to create a Christmas show around the Thicke and call it "A Very Alan Thickemas."

We then decided to email Thicke and tell him we were doing a show in his honor and ask if he'd participate in some way. We made sure to let him know that our character of Thicke had little to do with who he was and was more of a fictional send-up caricature and that our mission is to make Thicke a cult hero, much like Chuck Norris had become.

Rightfully skeptical, Alan Thicke wrote us this letter to read at the show:

Dear Neutrinos:
I am both flattered and mortified that you would recognize me in a forum as intense as your Sunday production promises. Clearly, you are bright and talented people—possibly independently wealthy—to be able to devote elective time to such questionable pursuits. I wish I were among you—I think—to deny rumors and defend my body of work. Please celebrate in some appropriate fashion and accept my warmest wishes for a memorable evening and a happy, healthy holiday season!
Your pal, Alan Thicke.

But then, after the show, we sent him some photos of our Thickecakes (cupcakes with his face on them, made by Cupcake-a-Madazzo) and he posted his letter to us and the photos on his blog on his website.

So. This year, we asked him if he'd contribute a video, which he gladly agreed to do. And then he further surprised us by writing and recording a song and music video for us, too!

And that's pretty much the story!

The ultimate goal is to get Thicke here in person!! Maybe next year!

And there you have it! A Very Alan Thickemas is tonight, 10 pm, at Rebar. Maybe call first. You know, because of the snows.

GOOD Magazine just posted this amazing video of Mr. Rogers going to Congress and single-handedly convincing the government not to cut funding to PBS.

He's totally my hero.

Me & Mybadself has a new, Christmassy website up. It's called A BeTaMaXMas. You can access a fictional TV Guide from 1988:

And watch Christmas-themed television shows and commercials from the mid-to-late eighties on a snowy television set in a wood-lined basement "wired for hi-fi."

It's scary how much of almost all of these shows I remember, once I start watching them.

Not only can you get full episodes of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Veronica Mars, In Living Color and more at TheWB.com, now you can find the original web series Children's Hospital — a verrrrrry funny takeoff on E.R., Grey's Anatomy, and other icky hospital dramas. And even better, it stars such comic greats as creator Rob Corddry (as a creepy Patch Adams wanna-be), Ed Helms, Megan Mullally, David Wain, Rob Huebel, and Stephen Colbert! Each episode is only about six minutes long, so you can totally sneak one or two by the boss. PLUS! The entire 10 episode season is already up online!

Here's a clip, and then rush over and check it out. This one is a keeper!

...will be moving from 11:30 to 10 pm on NBC.

Nikki Finke is reporting that NBC will give Jay Leno the 10PM slot when Conan takes over "The Tonight Show." The move keeps the NBC star within the family, and away from ABC.

I was really hoping we were going to see the last of that unhilarious son of a bitch this year.

How many of you are there? Six? Six hundred? Whatever the case, please enjoy this money-shot clip from last night's season-closing reunion show, in which Kim tells the most amazing story about artificial hair and fake cancer ever set in a Chili's.

Thank you for the clip, Videogum.

Or would that be "Steven Seagasm"? Whatever. In news that made me slip out of my chair and painfully crack my chin on my desk, '90s action hero/demigod STEVEN SEAGAL is getting his own reality show! In which he's a real cop! In real Louisiana! REALLY!
Apparently Seagal has been working on and off as a deputized officer in Louisiana's Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's department for the last 20 years (?!?), and starting in 2009 will star in a reality show documenting his exploits on A&E, fantastically entitled Steven Seagal: Lawman. From Variety...

"I decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it's important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana," Seagal said of the new venture.

Seagal "helps fight crime because he cares about the community," said Robert Sharenow, A&E's senior veep of nonfiction and alternative programming.

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! (Sidenote: "No Shit, Sherlock!" would be a great name for a detective show.) I think Steven Seagal has pretty much proven that he "cares for the community" and "fights crime" in such cinematic feats of awesomosity as Hard to Kill, Fire Down Below and Under Siege, so don't fucking insult me, Robert. Plus, I believe it was the Portland Motherfucking Mercury who devoted an ENTIRE ISSUE to Steven Seagal, so in the future it may be a good idea not to fucking treat us like we're children. Or else maybe I need to do this to you...

Let's let our imaginations run free for a moment, shall we? Let's imagine an awful, awful "what-if" scenario in which Barack Obama did NOT win the presidency on election night. Imagining it? No... you're not doing a very good job. Just imagine the absolute worst moment in the history of humankind... and then multiply it by a kajillion.
Still having trouble imagining it? Well, the following video comes close to what that horrible, horrible moment might have looked like. Behold: six teenagers discovering that David Archuleta did NOT win this year's American Idol.

There but for the grace of God, go we.