In fitting response to the misogynistic argument that life begins at conception and fertilized eggs deserve more legal rights than the women carting them around, yesterday Oklahoma Senator Constance Johnson introduced an "Every Sperm is Sacred" amendment to her state's so-called "personhood" bill that read:

Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

Sadly, Johnson later withdrew the amendment after claiming that she'd made her point. Still! Between Johnson's amendment this week and Virginia State Senator Janet Howell's hilarious erectile dysfunction suggestion last week, it's refreshing to see legislators finally rising to the challenge of fighting stupid logic with stupid logic.

Curtsies to Enigma.

Aaaand, the results are in! Congratulations April T, Barry P, and Jason G, for you are the lucky winners of the world's first Feminist KillJoy t-shirts, donated by ooshirts.com, as well as tepid bottles of Komen-themed Fuze Slenderize™, donated by my office desk.

• Spreading Joy as You Kill It.

And finally: Thanks to everyone who donated to Planned Parenthood!

We're giving away three of these hot-pink babies today:

• Spreading Joy as You Kill It.

For a chance to win, just donate to Planned Parenthood and forward a copy of your donation receipt, along with your preferred T-shirt size, to feministkilljoy@thestranger.com by noon.

Last week, US Senator Patty Murray led a noisy campaign condemning the Susan G. Komen foundation's decision to defund Planned Parenthood breast cancer screenings—she appeared on MSNBC, she sent routine email blasts criticizing their decision, and she helped round up 24 other US Senators to sign a letter condemning the breast cancer charity's action.

Today, Senator Murray kept the ball rolling and once again stood up—this time on the Senate floor—to fight for women's healthcare. You can watch her entire speech here, but here's my favorite part:

“On Friday, Komen did the right thing and announced that they had reversed their initial decision—and I want to commend them for that. Because their mission—and their great work in the fight against breast cancer—is just too important to get mixed up in partisan politics.

“But Mr. President, although this reversal was a great victory for so many women across America, let’s be clear: Our fight for women’s health does not end here. There are still many who will continue to put partisan politics ahead of women’s health—and we need to make sure the grassroots support and energy that successfully came together to right this wrong last week, continues to stand firm against each and every attack that comes our way.

“Because Mr. President—we know the attacks are coming. Republicans in the House of Representatives have been waging a war on women’s health since the moment they came into power.

“After campaigning across the country on a platform of jobs and the economy, the first three bills they introduced were direct attacks on women’s health in America. The very first one, H.R. 1, would have totally eliminated Title X funding for family planning and teen pregnancy prevention. And it included an amendment that would have completely defunded Planned Parenthood and cut off support for the millions of women who count on it.

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It's been a long, teeth-gnashing week in the world of women's health, albeit with overwhelmingly positive results: Planned Parenthood is $3 million richer and Susan G. Komen's weasely Republican board members have learned an important lesson about using poor women as punching bags boobs to push their political agenda.

The fight's not over—Komen hasn't technically pledged to fund Planned Parenthood in the future (they've has simply reinstated PP as eligible to apply for their grants) and Congressional Republicans are still working to defund and discredit the women's health organization at the federal level—but fuck it, you helped Planned Parenthood raise $3 million dollars in three days! That's impressive! And you deserve a reward for your boob-loving altruism! Like a three-of-a-kind FEMINIST KILLJOY t-shirt!!!

• Spread Joy as You Kill It!

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From the Komen foundation blog, by CEO Nancy G. Brinker:

We want to apologize to the American public for recent decisions that cast doubt upon our commitment to our mission of saving women’s lives.

The events of this week have been deeply unsettling for our supporters, partners and friends and all of us at Susan G. Komen. We have been distressed at the presumption that the changes made to our funding criteria were done for political reasons or to specifically penalize Planned Parenthood. They were not.

Our original desire was to fulfill our fiduciary duty to our donors by not funding grant applications made by organizations under investigation. We will amend the criteria to make clear that disqualifying investigations must be criminal and conclusive in nature and not political. That is what is right and fair.

Our only goal for our granting process is to support women and families in the fight against breast cancer. Amending our criteria will ensure that politics has no place in our grant process. We will continue to fund existing grants, including those of Planned Parenthood, and preserve their eligibility to apply for future grants, while maintaining the ability of our affiliates to make funding decisions that meet the needs of their communities.

More here.

This video, "Straight Talk from Ambassador Nancy G. Brinker, Founder and CEO of Susan G. Komen," appeared on Komen for the Cure's Youtube channel yesterday, and it's worth a gander (as are the outraged Youtube comments, one of which I appropriated for the title of this post).

What strikes me most about Brinker's speech—other than the fact that she never mentions Planned Parenthood by name—was that she (and other Komen officials) keep repeating the talking point that these changes to introduce "more stringent eligibility and performance criteria... will affect any number of long-standing partners."

But I haven't been able to find evidence of any other long-standing Komen partners stepping forward and claiming that their grants are in jeopardy. And like many of my colleagues here at The Stranger, I've tried to contact Komen for the Cure Puget Sound repeatedly over the past few days to find out if any other local organizations are at risk of having their funding cut "phased out." But no one from our local Komen affiliate—not Communications Manager Jim Clune, Advocacy Director Elisa Del Rosario, Director of Development Gail Lapasin, or Executive Director Cheryl Shaw—have been answering their phones or email (not even the office's receptionist).

In fact, it appears that everyone from Komen for the Cure Puget Sound has been rendered either spineless or speechless.

UPDATE: mr. herriman points out that the new Komen policies also prohibit funding to be used on stem cell research. So, uh, there.

After its thundering silence, Susan G. Komen for the Cure® just released a statement. Komen says that even though its board just invented a new rule that singles out funding for Planned Parenthood—that is, a funding cut the board justified by citing an inquisition led by congressional Republicans—politics totally had nothing to do with it:

We are dismayed and extremely disappointed that actions we have taken to strengthen our granting process have been widely mischaracterized. It is necessary to set the record straight...

We regret that these new policies have impacted some longstanding grantees, such as Planned Parenthood, but want to be absolutely clear that our grant-making decisions are not about politics.

Read the whole implausible statement.

The Komen foundation claims it had no choice but to defund Planned Parenthood due to an internal new rule against dispersing grants to any recipient under local, state, or congressional investigation. However, it doesn't matter if the investigation lacks a legit concern of malfeasance, it appears, or whether the investigation doesn't stand to find dirt or if the probe is purely political.

Because the investigation into Planned Parenthood by congressional Republicans fails all three tests.

So how about this: How about any city or county council member in the country, any state legislator in the US, or any congressperson begins a cursory investigation into every single recipient of a Komen grant.

Investigate them all.

Komen won't stop funding all of them, right? They'd have to change their rule instead. And if they want to continue to defund Planned Parenthood, which they do, at least Komen may be forced to explain the true politics behind their decision—instead of hiding behind this implausible excuse to cover up the right-wing agenda of tearing down progressive nonprofits.

The nation's largest breast cancer charity, the pink-ribbon-festooned Susan G. Komen Foundation, has succumbed to right-wing pressure and defunded Planned Parenthood of hundreds of thousands of dollars in grants—$680,000 last year and $580,000 the year before—money that primarily paid for breast exams for poor women.

Over the past five years, Komen funds have enabled Planned Parenthood health centers to provide nearly 170,000 clinical breast exams and referrals for more than 6,400 mammograms. Now Komen says they've withdrawn their support because Planned Parenthood is under investigation by Congress (an investigation launched by right-wing, anti-choice groups) but the issue, as always, comes down to abortion.

“At the heart of this issue is the shameful ‘investigation’ of Planned Parenthood by House Republicans trying to score political points and appease their extreme right-wing base," said Senator Patty Murray in a statement. "Komen should not allow these sort of partisan games to put women across America at risk... this decision will cut women off from the health care providers they rely on for critical preventive care."

Senator Murray is half right, but it's not just about bowing to political pressure. It turns out, Komen is staffed by powerful anti-choice assholes. Here's what Komen's SVP public policy director, Karen Handel, had to say about Planned Parenthood in 2010, while (unsuccessfully) running for governor in Georgia:

"Let me be clear, since I am pro-life, I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood. During my time as Chairman of Fulton County, there were federal and state pass-through grants that were awarded to Planned Parenthood for breast and cervical cancer screening, as well as a “Healthy Babies Initiative"... I'll eliminate them as your Governor."

Wow! What a socially responsible person hag.

It's clear that Handel and her Komen cohorts are no longer racing for a cure—they've stopped for a water break and to wage a holy war on Planned Parenthood, and they're willing to sacrifice the heath of thousands of women in the process. But hey, maybe next year they'll charitably donate a few thousand pink coffins to us poor ladies who relied on Planned Parenthood's free breast cancer screenings for early detection.

I think Komen should be reminded that their charity war chests come from thousands of women (and their families) who also donate to Planned Parenthood, support breast cancer research and women's right to comprehensive health care, and don't like being fucked with. Planned Parenthood is accepting donations to continue its breast cancer screenings HERE.

Meanwhile, Komen is hosting its annual, local fancy-assed Grace Notes Gala at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel on Saturday, March 3. Wouldn't it be fun if they had to race through a picket line to get to their $300-a-plate buffet?

*Thanks to all pro-lady Slog tippers everywhere for filling my inbox with frothy rage.

The desk of Alithea O'Dell:

Yesterday evening, at the twilight of "Hug a Uterus" lobby day in Olympia, the Senate Health and Long-Term Care Committee approved the Reproductive Parity Act (SB 6185), which would preserve the current trend that all health insurance policies sold in Washington that offer maternity coverage to also cover elective abortions.

Rep. Eileen Cody's (D-34) companion bill (HB 2330) was also approved by the House Health Care and Wellness Committee on January 26.

The bill still must pass out of either the House or the Senate by February 14 or else it's dead, but still: Light hurrahs all around.