This wasn't a letter sent to "Savage Love," but I don't think the author will mind my posting it as the "Savage Love" letter of the day.

Kate Bornstein has cancer.

The good news, direct from the team of skilled doctors on her case, is that the cancer is curable. However, the treatment plan that gives Kate the best chance of beating cancer is incredibly expensive. Kate has spent the past thirty years helping the rest of us Stay Alive—now it’s our turn to give back. Let’s HELP KATE BORNSTEIN BEAT CANCER AND STAY ALIVE!

This August, Kate was diagnosed with lung cancer. She underwent surgery, after which extensive testing led her doctors to believe that the cancer was gone. However, in February, Kate’s doctors discovered that this was not, in fact, the case. The cancer was back. Since receiving this news, Kate has seen numerous talented physicians and other medical professionals. The consensus is that Kate’s cancer IS CURABLE. However, Kate’s treatment plan is more complicated than most because she has suffered from another kind of cancer—CLL, or Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia—for over fifteen years. Kate will undergo chemotherapy and radiation treatment. She will eat according to strict nutritional diet plan and she will take a large number of supplements that will strengthen her body’s ability to handle the chemo and radiation.

This is the treatment plan is Kate’s best—and only—chance at survival. However, it is also exceptionally expensive. While Kate does have health insurance, she must pay the very high deductable, make high monthly insurance payments, and make co-payments for doctor visits and prescriptions. Also, Kate has to travel to the hospitals that are best suited to administer her unique treatment plan. Right now, this means going to Chicago five times over the next two months for chemotherapy. In the coming months, she may also have to travel to San Diego and Texas for additional treatment. Luckily, Kate will undergo radiation therapy in New York City, where she lives, but because of her weak immune system, she will have to take cabs to and from the hospital five days per week for at least two months. Additionally, insurance does not cover the high cost of the supplements that her doctor insists are an integral part of her treatment plan.

During the course of her treatment, Kate’s immune system will be seriously compromised, she will be exhausted, and she will experience periods of extreme nausea. As a result, her doctors have insisted that Kate take a hiatus from work-related travel, speaking engagements, performances, and even writing. For the next eight to ten months, Kate will be undergoing treatment and recovering from cancer, so she will not be able to work. This means that Kate will have no way to pay for rent, utilities, food, pet care, or any other normal expense. So, not only does Kate have to worry about paying her medical bills, she also has to worry about paying her basic living expenses.

This is where we come in. Kate’s work—her books, lectures, performances, apps, and online presence—has helped countless people choose life instead of suicide. Kate’s efforts have literally saved thousands of lives. Now, it’s time for all of us to save the life of just one person: Kate Bornstein. Through our donations, each of us has the power to give Kate our thanks, to be there for her in this difficult time, and to help her save her life.

Please join me in donating whatever you can to help Kate beat cancer and STAY ALIVE.

Kate Bornstein is amazing women and I consider her a friend. She has been a frequent and valued guest expert in "Savage Love." She has also contributed some terrific pieces to the Stranger's annual Queer Issue. Terry and I loved Kate's contribution to the "It Gets Better" project so much that we made it final essay in the book. We wanted Kate to have the last word.

Kate has been out there fighting to make it better for queer kids—trans, lesbian, gay, bi, genderqueer, and even the straight ones—for a long time. She has saved countless lives. Now it's our turn to help save Kate's life.

Please donate what you can.

Me and my husband are both 28—and both gay men—and we've been together for four years. In that time, I've caught him secretly using gay hook up apps while in what is a monogamous relationship. On Valentines Day we each decided to try opening up our relationship. It was my hope that official openness would make our relationship a bit more honest.

I found out recently that he blocked me from Grindr and that doesn't reveal his relationship status on his account. He also doesn't wear his wedding ring in public. I just wanted to know what you think about this arrangement.

In a perfect world we'd both troll Grindr and talk about the hot guys on there, but he seems to prefer creating relationships with people without me in the picture.

Confused And Bewildered

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I have a purely technical buttplug question inspired by your latest SLLOTD. I'm in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. We don't use protection except during pregnancy control. Is there any reason beyond STI issues that we shouldn't share a buttplug?

Sextoys Are Pricey

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My wife is far more vanilla than I am and over the years our sex life has settled into one fixed routine: start by fondling each other 'til I'm hard and she's wet, then a few minutes (really, only 1-2 minutes) of missionary style fucking, then she roles over and we finish up doggy-style. We do this because she says that this position is best for her. I'm not thrilled with the lack of variety but after having my requests for more denied for many years, I've pretty much accepted that this is it.

The one "non-vanilla" thing about her is, she likes to have her asshole fingered. At some point she will ask or tell me to touch her "back there." I usually don't mind (in fact, it usually turns me on to do this) so I comply; however, sometimes I'd just rather not deal with the poo and somewhat awkward position and just focus on my own pleasure. And that's where the problems start. When I say I'd rather not, things come to a screeching halt while she asks me why not and makes it clear that I'm being selfish by refusing to pleasure her this way. So, for the sake of getting laid, I go ahead and do it. And this is really starting to piss me off. Here she is, refusing to do anything for me, barely interacting with me, but making demands on what I do for her. I think it's complete bullshit.

Am I wrong to not want to finger her butt hole every time? Am I being a selfish lover for saying so, and suggesting we skip it sometimes? Am I wrong for being angry with her for demanding this of me, while not being willing to do anything I want? And finally, how can I talk to her about this and get some kind of resolution, ideally, getting an occasional break from sticking a finger up her ass, and getting her to do more for me?

You Make The Clever Acronym

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Originally published July 27, 2008:

I'm a 19-year-old gay boy, and while I have tried dating guys my own age, I realized a long time ago that I am far more interested (romantically and sexually) in older men. I understand, though, that many older men out there looking for a guy my age may not have the best of intentions. Do you have any tips for someone in my situation?

Timid Whelp In Needa Knowledge

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Originally published July 10, 2008.

I am a heterosexual male in my 20s, and I need some help putting a label on my kink/fetish. I usually don't care much for labels in any aspect of life, but I'm hoping that knowing what to call this may help me find others who share the same interest: I love it when a woman watches me masturbate. She doesn't have to touch me at all, take off her own clothes, or play with herself. However, she has to enjoy watching me for me to enjoy performing. I have no interest in "flashing" or otherwise imposing myself on someone who doesn't want to watch. Also, I don't want to show just anyone; I just enjoy being watched by a woman.

I've seen some CFNM porn, but that often seems to be more about humiliation, which I'm not interested in at all.

Wanting A Named Kink

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How do I deal with the boiling anger I feel after reading/hearing the anti-gay talking points that inevitably appear after stories like Ohio Sen. Rob Portman's decision to support gay marriage after his son came out to him? I'm reading things like, "Choices that hurt himself and society," and, "He'll eventually die of AIDS or oral cancer." I read that and I just want to strangle the person who said it.

What are my options besides flipping the fuck out several times a day or not reading the news anymore? Neither one of those is acceptable to me. I don't know where to put the rage that I feel when I hear assholes call me less than human, and I don't have the money to donate to causes that fight that nearly as often as I'd like. What do you think I should be doing instead?

Always Angry About Anti-gay Assholes

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Originally published March 16, 2006.

I am a 26-year-old lesbian in a relationship with a 21-year-old. We've been together for five years. She is a brilliant student with a bright future. I love her, but I feel that we need to part.

I am worried about how she would get along financially without me. While I don't totally support her, she couldn't pay rent and bills on her own without being fiscally miserable. She doesn't have friends she could move in with. She could just get a job like most college students, but then she'd have to give up many of the opportunities that she's earned by being a hard-working student.

Would it be wrong to help support her if I were to move out? Like I said, I love her very much, but I want to be on my own for a while.

Good Friend, Bad Girlfriend?

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I busted Prudie for giving some awful advice last week. So credit where credit is due: Most advice columnists would recommend murder/suicide before recommending an open marriage. But here's Prudie's advice for a woman whose husband refuses to have sex with her:

I don’t know why you should condemn yourself to another five years of this. If for the sake of your children’s stability that sacrifice seems worth it to you, that’s your choice. But I’d suggest you go back into couples therapy and discuss the possibilities of divorce or open marriage. Your husband has reneged on one of the basic principles of your union, and you’re entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere.

I might've led with open marriage, as the woman describes her husband as "kind, smart, funny, and a great provider," as well as a "fabulous father." In a case like that, I'd definitely suggest an open marriage first, divorce second. But that's a minor quibble.

I'm a 36-year-old gay man who's been in relationships on and off since the age of 18. I have pretty high, but not unreasonable standards when it comes to what I expect from my mate. The recurring theme that seems to end each relationship is a lie that usually end up in my complete lack of trust in that person. My last five-year relationship ended after I found out that my partner had been stealing money and goods from his employer. I ended up personally paying his former boss thousands to keep my name out of a police report as items were in my home. I'd have lost my job and retirement at even the slightest allegation that I was involved. I decided that the lies, lack of moral standing and erosion of trust were too much to salvage the relationship, and I called it quits.

I recently met a great guy that I'm insanely attracted to and really have grown to like. When we met he told me he was 43, and after some conversations I began to get suspicious. Turns out he's 50, something I wouldn't have given a shit about even if he told me up front. I confronted him about it and he finally came clean and explained his phobia on aging and stories of rejection based on his age. I told him in the beginning that trust and honesty were paramount to me. My instinct was to initially run, but I really care about him and my heart is still in it. Is my expectation of meeting a man who's 100% truthful an unattainable expectation?

Tales Really Unravel The Heart

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Could really use some @fakedansavage advice right now

— Brittney Anderson (@ms_brittneylee) March 12, 2013

@ms_brittneylee Hit me, Ms. B.

— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) March 12, 2013

@fakedansavage It's a complicated story for Twitter, but i can either have a fling with a shitty guy or go back to my exboyfriend.

— Brittney Anderson (@ms_brittneylee) March 12, 2013

@ms_brittneylee No possibility of fling, then going back? Fling First?

— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) March 12, 2013

Continued after the jump...

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I am a happily married lady in a poly relationship.

My husband and I date other people and have had no problems with it. We have two rules about dating: 1) complete honesty and full disclosure; and 2) we only have unprotected sex with each other. I was on a date with a new partner last night and then we went back to his place to make out. We decided to have sex for the first time, talked about condoms and agreed that we were going to use them. He didn’t have lube and the condom got dry after a while, so he pulled out and we went back to making out. He suggested we not put one back on because he could pull out in time, and I said that it was out of the question and that we absolutely had to use a condom. (Seriously, throughout the evening I think I mentioned the condom rule a dozen times.) So we’re making out and waiting for me to get lubricated enough to go again. He pushes his dick against my pussy opening and I say, “No, we can’t do that.” And he replies, “Oh, don’t worry—I’ve got it.” Which I take to mean that he has put on another one. We have sex for a few minutes and then he pulls out and cums on my stomach. Fuck.

I feel terrible about this for multiple reasons. And I am conflicted as to whether I’m responsible for this happening or not. I talked to him about it before I left that night and he said that I seemed like I had consented with my body language. In all honesty, I wanted to have unprotected sex the same way I think that everyone does. And I guess I had been rubbing up against him. But isn’t that what everyone does when they’re making out? Should I have been more explicit about condom usage? Could I have been?!? Should I have just stopped everything after he suggested that we not use one? I feel betrayed and dirty and sad and guilty. I’m all mixed up about who was responsible for what. I feel like I “cheated” on my husband.

Who's The Failure Here?

P.S. And FYI, I told my husband immediately after and he doesn’t feel that I did something wrong. Please help me figure this out, I’m don’t know how to understand what happened.

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Originally printed August 24, 2006:

My 34-year-old sister—call her "Carrie"—came out to the family a week ago and is looking for us all to support the decisions she's making surrounding her coming out.

Background: My sister has been somewhat happily married for 14 years and has four children all under the age of 12. She wants to move her kids 3,000 miles away to be with the woman she has fallen in love with—call her "Louise." Louise is also married with kids. Both are stay-at-home moms. Carrie and Louise have met in person three times over three months. The first time was through a mothers' support group. The second time they met they got drunk and hooked up. About a month after this, they spent a long weekend together with their kids. They are now in love, speak on the phone several times a day, and have both told their husbands and families.

Louise has told Carrie that she won't move, as she wants her kids to be able to see their father on a regular basis and doesn't think she could win custody. She has asked my sister to move with her kids to be with her and her kids. My sister's husband wants to be able to see his children and plans to ask that she be required to stay in the state as part of their custody agreement. My sister is willing to fight this tooth and nail so that she can be with Louise. My sister has no money of her own.

My question is this: How do I support my sister but still make sure that she doesn't back herself into a legal and financial quagmire over a person she has met only three times?

Concerned Sister

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Originally published April 27, 2006:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years. I love him more than I thought possible.

One of the things that makes us so compatible is our similar take on jealousy and fidelity. I'm a bi woman, he's a straight man. I don't mind who he sleeps with, he doesn't mind who I sleep with. (Provided, of course, that we use proper protection at all times.) Not an issue, right?

Well, over the last four years I've been pretty busy with my career, and it hasn't left me a lot of time to go looking outside my relationship. He's had more free time on his hands, and has had some brief affairs with other women. For a little while, we were both seeing the same woman. We still have sex three or four times a week, and it's good and satisfying and enthusiastic.

But here's the rub.

A few weeks ago, I met a guy that I think is amazingly shiny—and I slept with him. My boyfriend encouraged me to enjoy myself, so I did. But now it's eating at him. He makes little needling comments about my leaving him for the new lover. I've tried to reassure him that I love him and I want to share my life with him, but it hasn't seemed to help.

At first, I felt bad for sleeping with someone else, since it obviously bothered him so much, but the longer this goes on, the more irked I'm getting. The new lover isn't interested in a relationship with me, and I'm not interested in a relationship with him. But I've caught nothing but hell over this, and I'm getting a little fed up. We've always been very open and honest with each other—at least I have, anyway. Should I ask him to tell me what, exactly, is bothering him about this whole situation? Or should I just bite my tongue and not sleep with other men?

Irked By Double Standard

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Originally published September 15, 2005:

A friend of mine is setting up a website with some of her friends for feminist (mostly queer) porn. I'm straight, and she asked me if I wanted to be in it, with or without my boyfriend of two years. After clarifying that I wouldn't be making porn with people I didn't want to do it with, and that I like it a lot rougher than would be traditionally considered "feminist," she said that anything I wanted to do was fine.

I discussed this with my boyfriend and he is more than willing to do it—but he said that it is my decision. I've taken a lot of naked/sexual/whatever pictures of myself for him, and I'm not particularly self-conscious about being photographed naked or even in sexual situations. I certainly enjoy my fair share of porn, and I'm not averse to giving back to the genre. I also think that the risk that someone would stumble across a predominantly lesbian porn site and associate me in everyday life with some girl with a nipple ring getting face fucked is slim to none.

Despite all this rationalization, I still feel uneasy. I am 20 years old and have no intention of running for public office, so if there is any time to do something like being in porn it is now. However, I still feel like something as permanent as pictures taken by other people for other people will end up where I don't want them to be. I don't feel like my friend and boyfriend are pressuring me to be on the site, but I do feel that since they have no issues with making porn for public consumption there is some repression that is holding me back. Or maybe they are the ones being ridiculous and I am being sensible. What do you think?

Pondering Over Revealing Nudity

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Last month, I met this woman about four years older than me at a bar. Long story short: we ended up having sex in my car. The problem: the sex went very badly. It was my first time not doing it on a bed, doing it outside, etc., and I must have been nervous because I couldn't sustain an erection. The woman also happens to be "separated" from her husband, and quasi-famous. She's absolutely gorgeous and we seemed to get along great. I would love to see her again, but whenever I suggest getting together (either for dinner or explicitly as a hookup), she avoids the question. Although I made sure she orgasmed through other ways, there's this nagging feeling that it was the bad sex that's keeping her from wanting to see me again. How do I get her to give me another chance?

Limp Until Sex Terminated

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I'm a 27-year-old straight female in a truly wonderful relationship. We've been together for just over a year and living together for four months. Things between us could not be better. We have sex 2-4 times a week and usually it's incredible for both us. We're not afraid to try new things with each other (toys, mild restraints, etc.) and are genuinely very attracted to each other. The obvious BUT here is an issue that has been happening since we first started dating, and that my boyfriend says has been happening to him his entire sexual life. About once or twice a month, he can't finish. He can always get hard, always stays hard, but will eventually just throw in the towel and tell me it's not going to happen. If we try to push it and keep going, it gets increasingly sensitive and painful for him.

We are already careful about not drinking before sex and have only ever been able to have sex once in a day and I am 100% confident he's not cheating. But I had a bit of an epiphany the other day, and realized that while he's certainly no prude when it comes to DOING a wide variety of sex acts and has no problems with affection, even publicly (to an appropriate degree), he gets as uncomfortable as a teenage boy when it comes to TALKING about it. Like physically uncomfortable, giddy, silly, absolutely hates to say or hear anything overtly sexual (other than, "hey, let's have sex now"). Even if its to tell me what he likes in bed, even though I have never once been judgmental about or turned off by something he wants to try. I'm thinking that maybe this is somehow connected to the occasional non-finishers—despite being reasonably GGG in the moment, he's uptight about talking about sex.

He says he's willing to take baby steps with me to get more comfortable with it because I think it will help. Mostly starting with brief, lighthearted conversations about things he likes, directed and led by me (he finds it "weird" and "strange" that I've had conversations like this with past partners). But I don't want to push him into doing something that makes him uncomfortable if it has nothing to do with the problem I actually care about.

Do you think his sexual uptightness occasionally causes him to not be able to finish, despite being able to stay hard? If not, what else could it be? He says it's common, but I've never had it happen this frequently in past relationships. It's definitely happening more often than I'd like it to. Thoughts?

Wanting A Finish

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A urologist assesses the particular health risks faced by men who lock up their cocks in male chastity devices in this week's "Savage Love." Here's one risk he didn't mention: prostate cancer.

I come to you in a time of great heartache and need.

Last Friday, March 1, my girlfriend of 16 months broke up with me. It was sudden and very unexpected. Earlier that day, while at work, I could tell something was wrong, but she still said she loved me and would see me later that evening. When I arrived at her house and walked up the driveway, she was already coming down the walk in tears and saying the dreaded words: "We need to talk."

She had earlier complained about how we were in a rut and that she wanted to shake things up. For weeks I've been spitballing ideas with her about different activities we could do together (we did 1 session of yoga together, as she suggested, on Thursday February 28th). But trying to get her to make some decisions on things she wants to do as a couple was difficult. (She's terrible with decisions.) I've felt like somehow she's been off-kilter for a while now, but everytime I asked what was wrong, or prodded her to open up and let me know how she feels, she shut me out. (She also admitted in the break up conversation that she's not a great communicator.)

She said the primary reason for breaking up is our sex drives. I have a very high libido (true) and she said that I don't understand how much she does NOT want to have sex. To further complicate this issue, she was a virgin before we started dating. She said she felt guilty about making me feel guilty about wanting sex and not getting it. I accept some blame for pressuring her for sex. Weeks before she placed limits on the amount of time I spent with her, which was already limited due to our rediculous time commitments. I tried expressing to her that I don't mean to pressure her for sex, but since I was only seeing her once a week when I used to see her 3-5 times per week. She found sex fun and exciting at the start and we had it about twice a week. I honestly don't know what to make of all this.

I don't know if she still loves me, but I love her, and I can't stand how miserable I am, and how worried I am about her. To further complicate matters, we work together occasionally. I worry that she's going to break down in tears every time she sees me. And I know that she needs space right now, more than anything else, but all I want right now—more than anything in the world—is to hold her in my arms.

My siblings are both being very supportive and are telling me to give her space, but talk to her sometime in the future when I'm in a calm state of mind. I want to talk to her, to understand her, but I can't reconcile my needs with hers at this juncture.

Please Help

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I'm a female in my early 20s and have been seeing my boyfriend for a couple years now. Our sex has always been good but it lacks in one specific area: I am completely bypassed when it comes to foreplay. He will go down on me or finger me before we have vaginal intercourse once every couple of months or so but he wants me to give him head or to jerk him nearly every time we fuck. I love his dick so going down on him isn't a problem and I'm happy to jerk him a little bit when I don't feel like going down on him. I don't need him to focus on me every time before we have sex but this "once every few months" business has made me a bit bitter. He reasons that I'm too hard to get off so he's given up. It's true that I am hard to get off but it's not impossible. In fact, he's the only man to have ever gotten me off without the use of a vibrator, which has only happened twice but proves it possible.

He claims that he never had problems getting past lovers off and I'm the only one who he's had this problem with. That statement bothers me for multiple reasons.

1. I highly doubt all those woman he was with before were actually coming. I hate women that fake it and ruin it for us honest women. It blows men's egos up and makes it seem like there's something wrong with women who are honest about needing more than a quick roll in the hay to achieve orgasm.

2. It makes me feel inadequate and defective, like a man that can't hold an erection. When he does go down on me or fingers me I feel like I need to hurry up before he gets tired so I never enjoy it and end up giving up and moving on to the sex before I get off.

I have expressed my unhappiness with his lack of desire to want to please me, and he will sometimes make an effort but, again, I can't enjoy it because I know he's only doing it because I've nagged him and not because he actually wants to pleasure me. Which leads me to my last issue. I've had this problem with just about every guy I have slept with: "Give me head and then I'll fuck you and then were done." Only once have I been with a man who cared just as much about my pleasure as his and he was eleven years older than me. Which leads me to my questions.

1. Are older men better in bed than younger men because of their experience and maturity?

2. Or was the older man I was with more attentive because he was extremely small and was perhaps trying to make up for it in other ways?

3. How do I get my boyfriend to learn my body with me to achieve an orgasm without him feeling like its a chore and me feeling pressure to preform?

Pissed Off About Not Getting Off

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This one arrived via snail mail...

Dear Dan Savage,

This letter is about your slutty paper Now.

I have been living in Toronto since 1975 and I know whats going on with people in this society. I will be honest and tell you I am a German bombshell, and had an offer for the centerfold of Playboy when I was 21 but turned it down. I was an intellect in school and my Yugoslavion uncle bought me my first oil painting set when I was 12. He spoke 10 languages!

I had a satanic experience when I met my second boyfriend at 21 in 1976. I’ve had women come on to me as young as 7! (They were 14, I was 7.) I don’t like too many women. A lot of them stink in one way more then the other.

After reading your column “I’m happy and single” I have to say that I don’t like the advice you gave to that guy .I am single and happy too. He’s not a coward. Just because he doesn’t suck dick doesn’t mean he’s a coward!

I think you're possessed by a demon!

Since the devil is part animal, that’s where bestiality comes from. All your sick pedohiles and rapists, sick sadistic people, everyone is getting possessed. You gotta have that thrill. Your magazine is a whore demon paper. Sick fucks. Go save a homeless cat. Believe me: God loves you and wants you to go to heaven. I wouldn’t want to watch people beside me in the animal kingdom sucking each other off. I hope that if all you gay people are reborn your genitals become your noses and all you faggot lesbian clowns rot away. Such a waste! You're all possessed. Toys… rubber… cock… cunt…

I’ve been reading now on and off for years, Dan. You’re a handsome guy. It's so sad. Just like Freddy Mercury you've been taken by Satan. The most beautiful man in the world is Peter Frampton. He’s God!
Kim Mitchchell is Satan.

I can astro travel to heaven!!!!

Wow. I get a lot of letters from crazy people—it's in my job description—and I usually ignore them. But I had to share this one because I couldn't keep, "I have to tell you I'm a German bombshell," "go save a homeless cat," and, "faggot lesbian clowns," all to myself. Have a great weekend, everybody!

UPDATE:

@fakedansavage Why do lovers keep telling me my pussy tastes funny?

— FaggotLesbianClown (@FagLesboClown) March 1, 2013

I am a long-time reader—I read your column in Seattle in the ‘90s—and never thought I would need to write you, but this one stumps me.

I’m a GGG, straightish lady in her 30s. I hooked up with a young’un about a month ago. He was hot, interested, fun. We had protected sex and I followed your Campsite Rules. I have never done any kegel exercises, but I have a pretty strong twat. In the past, I have managed to pull (with my vagina) a condom off. I say this reluctantly. When I say “managed” I actually mean “against my knowledge.” This has happened with boyfriends, hook-ups—at various stages in the act. They were always impressed with my control of my vaginal muscles. What I am trying to say, is that, in various circumstances, I have pulled condoms off of my lovers’ cocks with my twat while we were having sex. Some had come, some had not.

It happened again last night. With the same cute 21-year-old young'un I hooked up with a month ago. He came over, we started to get hot and heavy. I grabbed a condom. We’re on the bed, fucking. He finishes and pulls out and the condom is not on his cock. He freaks out. Where is the condom? I tell him I don’t know. I really don’t know. He’s picking up my comforter, flapping it around, looking for the condom. "What did you do with the condom?" he demands to know. "What did I do with it?" I ask. I put my fingers in my vagina to make sure the condom isn't in there and it isn’t. Cut to the cute boy putting on his clothes. He’s upset. He thinks I’m trying to get pregnant! WHAT! THE! FUCK! I’m not trying to get pregnant! For realsies. I tell him I will go to CVS and get myself Plan B because I have no idea where that fucking condom is. He leaves.

FAST FORWARD 12 HOURS.

It was in my twat. All that time, despite my attempt to find it in my twat a few hours earlier. I feel like a moron. My fucking Venus Fly Trap Twat pulled the fucking condom off another dick.

So, Dan, here's what I need to know: Should I worry about getting pregnant? Really worry? I will buy Plan B if I need to. If not, I’d like to keep the $40.

Venus Fly Trap Does Not Want To Get Preggers

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I'm a young gay kinkster interested in other young kinksters, but I'm not quite sure how to go about finding someone. I'd like to pursue a relationship with somebody who shares my kink cards (mostly BDSM), but I don't know where to look. Obviously, in this day in age, the Internet is a powerful tool for such things, but where to turn? I'm in my early 20s, and I'd prefer to stay close to my own age. Suggestions?

Curious Boy is Troubled

I'm running around Los Angeles being stupid and boring—LA is about meetings and hugs and bottled water—so I passed your question to Tynan Fox, a young gay kinkster who's a blogger, speaker, activist, and regular "Savage Love" and "Savage Lovecast" guest expert. Tynan's response is after the jump.

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I'm a 30-year-old straight female. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because we weren't very sexually compatible (reading your column helped me reach that decision). I want to be more adventurous and explore new things with a partner who is interested in sex (I feel like my last bf wasn't interested at all).

So I've recently begun talking to this new guy, but we haven't had sex because we live so far away from each other. I like this, in fact, because I feel like I don't have to worry about doing something I'll regret. We've known each other for ages and we've been flirting pretty heavily through text message and video chat. Talks have been very sexual and exciting in nature. We've been talking about Dominant/submissive stuff a lot with me being the latter and him being the former.

Then last night he said he wanted to blindfold me. I think that sounds hot, but then he took it one step further and said that I wouldn't know who I was having sex with or who was touching me after I was blindfolded. I panicked and said I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, and he said that was the point. He said that the fact that I wouldn't want to do this was what made it hot. I sort of think that's not hot at all. In fact, it turned my stomach.

And here's why. When I was 4-5, I was molested by a 12-13-year-old girl. She would pin me down and make me do things. Then, in high school, I was held down in a public place and groped and fondled by two guys I thought were my friends. People saw me crying for help but nobody helped me. I felt so ashamed that it happened, and I felt like my other friends wouldn't believe me if I said anything, so I stayed silent. In both of these situations I felt like it was my fault—that I must have asked for it somehow. I was raised Southern Baptist and there was a whole lot of sexual oppression and shame loaded on me growing up. I think this is what leads to a lot of the sexual dysfunction I feel in relationships. I never feel like I can fully trust anyone.

So this guy saying that he wanted to force me to do something like that made me feel sick and angry with him. I feel like it would be a violation of trust. And it brought up all these old memories that I'm usually able to keep at a reasonable distance. Normally I don't feel like crying when I think of them, but the other night I actually did. And we were planning on meeting up in the near future but now I don't want to see him because I think he would actually do that to me. I feel like I can't trust him.

Am I wrong to feel like he is an asshole for saying that? Is this a thing some people actually like? I feel like he must not like me very much to want to do that to me. How do people navigate through power dynamics in D/s relationships? Is the submissive really not supposed to set limits and actually do everything the Dominant wants even if she feels like its traumatizing?

I feel like I can't even talk to him now because I just keep thinking that I can't trust him.

Swamped Under Big Sad

My response after the jump...

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I'm 15 years old and gay. I came out to my mom and she didn't take it the way that I had anticipated seeing as she's liberal and completely pro-equality. But only so long as it's not her child apparently. She finally sat me down and told me that I was "too young" and that it was "just a phase that I was experimenting with." And I told her that she was right. And after that, she let it go. Now I know that I should have never lied about me being gay, but I felt like I had to. But what do I do now? Will I ever be able to come out to her?

Back In The Closet Homo

My response after the jump...

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Originally published June 16, 2005:

I started teaching high-school freshmen three years ago when I was 23. I was closer in age/culture to most of my students than I was to the other teachers. That first year I bonded with a lot of the students; in particular with a small group of boys that were on the basketball team I coached. A couple of these boys developed normal crushes on me-as any horny teenager would have on a mildly attractive female teacher. Since they were 14, I would laugh off their advances by jokingly telling them to "ask again when you're 18."

Well, these boys are now seniors and as their 18th birthdays approach they have taken to reminding me of what I used to say. I know I should laugh off these advances and see the innocent boys that they were instead of the hot men I watched them grow into. But we're talking varsity swimmer and soccer player HOT, Dan. Hot enough to put up with the gossip that would seep through this small town. And it's not just physical attraction-these model-quality guys have killer personalities too.

I have maintained professional and appropriate relationships with these boys over the years. But what about once they're legal and out of school? It seems like 27-year-old men hook up with 18-year-old girls all the time, while middle-aged men drool over the Olsen twins. Why can't I make an 18-year-old's dream come true?

Tempted Teach

My response after the jump...

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Originally published June 16, 2005:

I can't ask my doctor about this one, and hope you and your specialists can help. I am a crossdresser currently going through feminization training with an internet Mistress. We are about to embark on a simulation of my getting my period. This will require that I use tampons for several days. I know of toxic shock syndrome (TSS) and the requirement to change tampons frequently, but are the risks greater for anal use of tampons?

I want to be sexually smart and not harm myself. Please help.

Pre-Menstrual Sissy

My response after the jump...

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If you have a problem with sin, go to confession. Believe me, I know what it's like to be lost. But Jesus can heal you. If the Church did you wrong, I apologize. But we're all sinners. And finally, Jesus loves you. Just imagine, Dan, you could become another St. Paul if you really let Christ change you. Wow! Happiness will overwhelm you. Try it. Thanks and God Bless.

V.S.

Bill Donohue, president of the arch-conservative, rape-apologist Catholic League, issued a press release today slamming me for calling the pope a "motherfucking power-hungry, self-aggrandized bigot In the stupid fucking hat" in a headline here at Slog. Twice! After calling me the worst possible thing one pious Catholic man can call another—he called me a woman—Donohue urged his followers to email me. I've received 79 emails from outraged Catholic Leaguers so far. (Is it possible that I have more flying monkeys than Bill does?) I've written back to a few and V.S. was by far the nicest.

My response to V.S.—and her response to mine, and mine to hers, and hers to mine to hers, etc.—after the jump.

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