My wife of 10 years and I have a great relationship. We make each other laugh, love to go out together when work/parenting schedules allow and have a fun sex life which includes experimentation and fantasy. While we've talked in the past about swinging and threesomes, one of the fantasy subjects recently coming up, at my choosing, has been her being with another man alone. I've been encouraging her to tell me if she ever gets attention from another man and we've talked about when things have turned her on in the past. I've always been careful to let her know that she can feel comfortable telling me these things and not throw them up in her face afterwards.

A few weeks back while fooling around she told me that shortly after we were married, and prior to my bringing up her alone with another man, that she had grabbed her trainer's dick once for a split second and pretended it was an accident. She said he was very flirtatious and "hands-on" while showing which muscle groups were being worked and she just got hot and grabbed him. I was turned on and, surprisingly, not that bothered by it.

This past weekend during sex I told her that had really turned me on. She then haltingly revealed to me that she had not only grabbed him that time, but jerked him off over his shorts for five minutes or so until he came. While I was incredibly turned on while this was going on, I felt sick afterwards. I haven't said anything to her about it since that night but I feel betrayed and cheated on, and that she stepped way over the line. I love this woman and trusted her deeply, but this has really shaken me.

How Do I Make Sense Of This?

My response after the jump...

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Dan Savage is on a book tour, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. And buy his new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics! This letter was originally published Dec 1, 2005:

My boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with Jason and Jason's friends, Jason won't just tell him off. Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our sex life. Roger is not only making Jason's life hell, but he is also making their shared friends' lives hell. On top of it all, Roger called Jason's ex, Cody, and told him about me. Cody is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel like shit because Jason is dating someone new.

I don't want to get in the middle of this. I just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to Jason as to what to do about Roger?

Really Mean Friend

My response after the jump...

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Dan Savage is on a book tour, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. And buy his new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics! This letter was originally published April 7, 2005:

My girlfriend, 22 and Christian, likes to be tied up. She's into anime-style Japanese bondage porn and she wants me to do that incredibly complicated rope bondage. I've looked at some pictures—she has thousands of them that she's been downloading and saving on her computer since she was a teenager—but I can't make it happen. I'm the first boy she's ever told about her fetish and I don't want to disappoint her. Where does a nice boy like me go to learn how to truss up a nice girl like her in the style of Japanese bondage porn?

Blessed Be The Ties That Bind

My response after the jump...

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I am a 30-year-old queer trans man. (Three months into transitioning.) For the longest time, I thought I was a horrible person. I couldn't be in a relationship without cheating, or going from person to person because I always wanted something new. I met my wife when I was a lesbian and fell head over heals. We were together for two years and then had a kid. Two months into the pregnancy the sex stopped and we had sex four times in two years. I dealt with it as best I could. Then I started T three months ago and my sex drive tripled.

This is not a question. This is a sincere thank you. About a year into our relationship, we found your podcast. We both fell in love with it and listened with open ears. It helped me with so many things like realizing I like men also, understanding bisexuality, not judging poly, and so many other things. You have saved me, Dan, you have saved my marriage. From listening to hundreds of your shows, we were able to talk to each other realistically about how we felt and we realized that we both are the kind of people who jump from relationship to relationship because we need new. And yet we still want to be together and own a home and raise our child. Before you, I fell into the bullshit idea that I had to live the stereotypical life. And it terrified me to think that my sex life was over and yet I couldn't face losing the love of my life. Now, we have negotiated an open relationship and we feel great about it.

Thank you, Dan, you made me realize I can be me and be married. You saved me in more ways than you will ever know.

Last week we heard from EFFED, a woman who was unhappy about her husband's cuckold fantasies, which she didn't want to fulfill (or hear about anymore). We also heard from AC, a man whose wife also wasn't thrilled by his fantasies but who was willing to indulge him through dirty talk. Today we hear from four women with some experience with cuckolds and cuckolding...

My guy—we are long-time partners—is VERY into cuckolding fantasies and he was the original fantasy spinner but now I spin them too. It is wonderful. I never thought of myself as beautiful (I'm the librarian-spinster type) but he gets so turned on that I wind up feeling so desired that I get very turned on, and we both enjoy the hell out of it. Totally hot.

It helps (and this may help your readers) that when we started this was more of a "role play" thing around one of his high school teachers. (He was young, she was apparently quite beautiful, but the librarian-spinster type—see how this goes?) He called me by her name ("Miss Lily"), and since he's from the South, we even did accents. It was all clearly fantasy and that made it easier for me to try it on. It was a game; the fantasy element was so prominent, and so emotionally distancing, that I felt perfectly safe. And he was so grateful and loving that... well, it soon became clear where my own happiness lay.

I don't think we'd ever try it on in real life. Our careers—law and medicine—make that too risky, BUT it is waywayway awesome, ATKS, and we have the best sex life I can imagine: fun, hot, loving, intimate. Miss Lily seems to have disappeared but in our fantasy world I've had sex with an entire football team, yard crews, and fishing clubs. My man adores me and can't show his gratitude enough and I get great sex, and lots of it. Just sign me...

Happy Old Teacher

P.S. BTW, Dan, your column was a big help in my coming to embrace this. Thank you so much!!!

Three more after the jump...

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I read with some empathy the letter from EFFED in this week's column. She who wrote that her husband’s cuckold fantasies are crushing her self-esteem. You replied that her husband’s cuckolding fantasies don’t mean he finds her unattractive—they mean the exact opposite. In case EFFED has any doubts about your interpretation, I can concur. I happen to be intensely turned on by cuckolding fantasies about my wife of 26 years. At the same time, I could not be more in love with her, and she is the absolute epitome of what I find attractive. The idea of being deeply in love with one’s wife yet intensely aroused by thoughts of her with other men seems paradoxical. This can be confusing for the subject of the fantasies, since most women are taught to associate true love with a desire for exclusivity. After much introspection in my own case, I’ve come to believe that the cuckolding fetish is fueled by two main factors.

1. A deep seated, perhaps even subconscious fear of losing one’s wife, and...

2. An honest belief that one’s wife is amazingly desirable.

The former explains the intensity of the feelings involved, and the latter ties in to a male’s desire for status. We cuckolds believe our wives are so gorgeous, we want other men to know what we’ve got. It’s like owning a Lamborghini. You can’t show it off by keeping it under a cover. If you want another man to feel envious, let him sit in the fine leather seats, step on the gas, and feel what it’s like to drive.

Another Cuckold

My response—and AC's response to my response and my response to his—after the jump...

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I am a 16-year-old boy who was recently forced out of the closet. My mother asked me if I saw a future with a woman, I did not respond because I did not want to lie anymore, and I have regretted my silence ever since. My family is a strict Catholic and Republican household. I am the youngest of five nearly perfect siblings and I attend a all-male boarding school. So when my mother found out that I "might" be gay, we immediately had a conversation. She let me know that she and my father will always love me and never give up on me, but that they will never accept this. She kept asking me, "How do you know? You have never been with a girl. Maybe you're confused." And I agreed that I am confused. (Even though I'm pretty sure that I am not.) I said anything and everything to make the conversation stop.

All this happened back in April and now I am home from school and have found out that she told my dad. They are spinning this from a completely religious point of view and have been giving me lots of "Catholic Boy Guilt." But part of the problem is that I am still saying that I am confused and not ready to talk about anything FOR A WHILE. After the conversation with my Dad putting the religious spin on the situation, I am definitely confused. My whole life I have always worked to please my parents and I never want to disappoint them, but I cannot deny the sexual attractions I have towards men. Also in the conversation including my dad, my mom seriously thinks that the devil is inside me and tempting me. (It was extremely hard to keep a straight face and not laugh.) My parents are extremely stubborn but I know that they come from a kind-hearted place. They just have views that disapprove of me and how I want to live my life. I told my parents that this is not a choice, my mother said that it is a choice to act upon my feelings. My dad thinks that it is easier to hook up with men than women, and that I want to take the easier route.

I am still religious, not hardcore or anything. I pray, believe in God and Jesus, and I do believe that there are mistakes in the Old Testament. God did not write it and humans do make mistakes. I know that to move on from the situation, I need to confirm to my parents that I am gay and am not changing. But the situation is extremely awkward. How am I supposed to tell my parents that I basically want a dick in my mouth? I am still just a 16-year-old kid and I have to live with and be dependent on my parents. I don't want to throw the situation in their faces constantly and end up alienating them, but they (especially my mom) are constantly telling me to pray and soon they will alienate me. I have no one to talk to. My parents and I have agreed not to tell anyone, but I am thinking that I may need therapy. I may need someone outside the situation without the religious element involved, to talk to.

I just don't know how to defend myself. I have no one to talk to. I honestly just don't want to be in this life. I don't want to disappoint my parents. But I need my happiness. Please tell me what I should say and how I could make the situation better.

Me

P.S. Please respond, at least with an email back to me. I need someone to talk to. I have no one and I am about to go insane. I am sad all the time but I have to hide it.

My response after the jump...

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I'm a single 27-year-old woman. I've talked to this one guy in the Army off and on for about six years. He's been in and out of the country over those six years, and is in town for now. Long story short, we had sex a couple weeks ago. Finally! It was the best sex I've ever had. Since that night he's been asking me about having a threesome. He is also asking what kind of threesome I would like to have—me/him/guy or me/him/girl). I'm young and this is an opportunity, so I'm up for either one as long as I'm attracted to the other person. But here's the problem... I have feelings for the Army guy. They're not full blown feelings, but I have carried a torch for this guy for six years. Yes, I told him I have feelings for him but he doesn't return them. In fact, he's said he'd like to have this threesome with someone who he cares about but who he isn't in a relationship with. I'm that person for him, and pretty sure that means he doesn't and won't ever want to be in a relationship with me. Also, I've had a foursome before with someone I was in a relationship with and it was not a good experience. I realize that that doesn't mean I'll have a bad experience in this threesome, but I need to get over this mental block. I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this because they'll tell me not to do it and I really want to do it.

Should I have a threesome with my Army guy despite my feelings for him and my past negative experience?

Should I Have A Threesome?

My response after the jump...

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This one really ticked me off:

I wish @fakedansavage still wrote his responses while drunk.

— John Michael Lind (@songsjml) June 4, 2013

Who said I stopped writing my responses drunk? I mean, I'm not drunk every time I sit down to write a column—sometimes I have to write in the morning—but I've typically had one or two or three. Basically readers should assume I was drunk when I wrote the column and take that fact into consideration before acting on my advice. Obviously.

Anyway, to prove that I still write responses drunk, I went home and Terry made me three Mai Tais and, well, here we go...

I am a sixty-year-old straight male. The wife and I have been married for almost thirty years and have always had a pretty vanilla, but very satisfying relationship. Both of us exercise regularly and eat healthy and have gotten grayer, but we aren't fat or disgusting and we still have all of our teeth. We aren't teenagers, but we don’t feel like we are old either.

Over the last few years I have been pretty surprised that my sex drive has diminished and along with it my ability to maintain an erection. I mentioned it to my regular doctor and he tested me and found that I had low testosterone levels and he sent me to a urologist for treatment. The urologist checked me out and gave me a rx for Viagra. The magic pills work like a charm... but I always feel like I am cheating and I don't always plan enough in advance so sometimes I'm not as ready as I could be. The wife is thrilled that the pills make me thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and I know that it is always more satisfying than if I was laying there limp and frustrated.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Pills to make me hard?

Lacking In My Penis

My drunken response after the jump...

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I am a straight 23-year-old woman. My super cool 21-year-old ex-boyfriend—who is really fun and has a ton of gay friends—kind of gives off a gay vibe. He has a gay brother and a kind of homophobic family. (His family doesn't even know his brother is gay even though his brother has been with his partner for years.) We were in a relationship for nine months, and while our sex life was very affectionate, it wasn't super sexy. He was always pretty interested in trying anal play, because he likes the feeling of not being in power, and he is attracted to muscular male arms. (I get this. Me too!) I tried do it for him—anal—but he wasn't really that into it when we did it.

After we broke up he told me he would be interested in having a man penetrate him anally. I said, "Gosh! I'm so glad that you trust me so much to tell me this! You're an attractive guy, and I'm sure tons of guys would love to penetrate you anally! Do you think that maybe you might be gay?" He said he wasn't gay and that for some reason he had trouble getting guys into him. He says he is annoyed that not enough gay men hit on him. (Duh. Because you tell everyone you are straight!)

I really enjoy having sex with both men and women, and I wouldn't want to invalidate someone else's bisexual life experiences/orientation/identity. Also, we're both sort of submissive, so perhaps we had bad sex was because of that and not because he's gay. (You should also know: I am his first girlfriend and first sex partner ever, other than a somewhat non-consensual relationship he had as a teenager with an older woman.) But when I asked if he was bi he said no! He says he's straight but that he wants another man's dick up his ass. (He used other words.) Again, Dan, he has of gay friends and his only close family member is gay. If he's really gay, he should be out by now. I'm out as bi and have been since before we met.

Sometimes when we hang out it feels like he wants to get back together. For example, he asked if we could get back together. I love being close to him, but I honestly have no desire to have sex with him, and I was very honest about not wanting to get back together. The worst part is, I don't know whether or not I'm allowed to hang out with him anymore. He said he wanted to get back together and I should probably avoid him so as not to lead him on. On the other hand, he sounds pretty gay, and I'm one of the only friends he has told about that aspect of his sexual orientation, meaning I should be around to support him if he eventually comes out as gay. Also, I really like him! He's so cool! It would be super convenient if he were gay, because then I could have no guilt about hanging with him. What should I do about this?

Cute Boy's Ex-Girlfriend

My response after the jump...

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Dan Savage is on a book tour for his new book American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics. Please enjoy this Savage Love letter from the archives. This letter was originally published July 12, 2007:

I'm pro-sex, bisexual, and GGG. I'm also a mother. I have a 14-year-old son, and when I type a website address into our home computer, a million porn sites pop up. I've had lots of lovers, watched my share of porn, I masturbate, blah blah blah. But something about my baby looking at Asian sluts getting it up the ass turns me into a sex-negative freak.

I can't stand the thought of my son looking at porn on the internet. And the thought of him wanking in front of my computer gets me going as well. Help me out here! Should I say something? I don't want to make him uncomfortable! Should I make him stop?

Internet Porn Reality Utterly Dismays Elder

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Dan Savage is on a book tour for his new book American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics. Please enjoy this Savage Love letter from the archives. This letter was originally published October 6, 2005:

I adore my smart, affectionate, sexy husband—but he's impotent. We don't really need medical advice—we know why. (It started out physiological, side effects from anti-depressants, now it's psychological.) He's currently—and willingly—seeing a psychiatrist.

I need some advice on how we can get back in the saddle. Direct discussions about the problem make him feel worse and more inadequate. He's even admitted he avoids situations where we might fool around, because if he doesn't try, he can't fail. I want to be understanding, but I also really need to get some. Asking him to use a strap-on is just plain insensitive, right?

Help One Really Neglected Young Woman

My response after the jump...

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Originally published May 3, 2007:

I'm a 17-year-old male with a tickling fetish and I don't have a problem with it. It just gets me off to tickle women. So why am I writing to you? My parents divorced when I was 13 and I live with my dad since my mom moved away. Six months ago, my dad married a 29-year-old woman. A few months ago, I tickled her armpit when she reached up into a cupboard. She didn't pull away and seemed to enjoy it. Surprisingly, she also has a tickling fetish on the opposite end. She loves it when a man tickles her. She now walks around the house barefoot and with skimpy clothing so that her stomach and ribs are exposed so I can tickle her whenever I want.

However, we always do it behind my dad's back. I would NEVER do this with my real mother (that's sick). But with a stepmom, is it okay? I'm starting to feel guilty about doing this without my dad's knowledge.

Lusting After Father's Fresh Spouse

My response after the jump...

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Originally published July 16, 2009:

You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. I am a 20-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all 20-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, a rock in the times of storm, and above all a home to return to when I have lost my path. In the teachings of my particular religion, to indulge the particular desires I am experiencing will condemn me to fates too grotesque to mention. I am rational enough to realize that there is no way that I can "pray away" these desires. My question is this: How does one prepare for a life of celibacy and solitude (as that is what is required of me to remain a member of this particular faith)? Based on what my friend has told me, I know you have little respect for religious practices and beliefs. However, these desires are not exactly something I can talk about with other members of my spiritual community. And while I am currently seeking counseling related to other issues, I was wondering what a so-called expert on sex and sexuality would have to say.

Clever Acronyms Escape Me

My response after the jump...

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Originally published December 4, 2008:

My girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years. I took her back after she cheated on me. Now she wants a threesome. I am not down with sharing her, but I am willing to do it because otherwise some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want to be stoned, because I don't think I can handle it sober. She got mad because she doesn't like drugs. Then what am I supposed to do?

Lesbian With One Real Dilemma

My response after the jump...

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Originally published May 3, 2007:

I'm a 42-year-old straight guy, married 15 years, no kids. I love my wife, and I have remained faithful. Recently, I opened a Second Life (SL) account, and created an avatar/alter ego for myself. I created an SL account with a female avatar because, although I'm straight and comfortable with my gender and sexuality, I've always fantasized about being transformed into a beautiful woman and having sex with other beautiful women. SL allows me an opportunity to explore this fantasy of being a lesbian, and also lets me engage in types of fantasy sex-play I would not normally do in real life (RL), such as BDSM, multiple partners, and anonymous sex.

I laid down some ground rules for myself: (1) I would NOT form a partnership in SL. (2) I would NOT, under any circumstances, discuss or reveal any details of my RL with anyone. (3) I would NOT form emotional relationships with other avatars. I have followed these rules to the letter.

My wife knows I have an SL account, but that's it. She's made it clear that she considers sex in SL to be adultery. I disagree. I see it as a form of user-controlled porn—so long as I follow the three rules above. I only go on SL when she is not at home, and I do not spend time in SL when I could be with her. We have a normal sex life, although she's not as GGG as she was when we were first married. She's grown more conservative—personally and sexually, not politically—as she's grown older. I love my wife very much, and I want my marriage to last. But sexually I'm more adventurous than my wife, and SL allows me to express that side of myself without any RL adultery.

Nevertheless, Dan, I feel guilty. My wife would not be happy (understatement of the young century) if she knew of my SL activities. And I hate lying to my wife. Yet, at the same time, I'm having so much fun—I am exploring fantasies I never could in real life, with a smoking-hot female avatar I'll never be. Should I come clean? Close down my SL account?

Second Lifer In Need Of Real Life Advice

My response after the jump...

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I am a 26 y.o. gay man living in Europe. Some weekends ago I went to visit a friend to another city and we went out to a party where I met a gay couple in their mid 30s. We clicked and by the end of the night they proposed me a threesome. (It was an excitement idea! They were very hot!) Unfortunately I had to decline because the friend I was visiting is a friend with benefits and we agreed on "fun together or not fun at all."

The issue is that I gave these guys my cellphone number and one of the guys—a guy that is hot as hell and way out of my league—wanted to have fun with me but without his partner. He was planning on coming to my city only for this reason and was waiting for me to confirm. I asked him if his partner agreed on this and he told me that he didn't know if his partner would have agreed and that he was not planning on telling him. (They have been together for more than 8 years!) I have been with guys in open relationships but I have always declined the cheating setup and this was clearly a cheating setup so I declined. The guy was not happy and called me a prude.

This is not true, Dan! I have a lot of fun with guys but I just don't like the idea of being the one that a guy cheated on his partner with. In a "Grindr" set up with limited information, this would have been less of a problem for me, but here I knew who his boyfriend was and their relationship status. My male hetero friends, that are all in couples, told me that I did right. My male gay friends, that are all single at the moment, thought that I should have gone for it, that I am too uptight and, yes, prudish.

Am I a prude? Enlighten me, Dan. Please.

The Gay Prude

P.S. Sorry about my English!

My response after the jump...

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Originally published July 26, 2007:

I'm a 31-year-old attractive single woman, and I recently went on Match.com and found a guy. Our e-mails and one phone conversation went well and he seemed kind and was okay-looking in his picture, so I met him for drinks. It was disappointing, to say the least. He looked 15 years older than his picture and was socially awkward to the point of sheer misery. He told me he didn't want to eat cheese because he "had the craps," announced to the waitress that this was our first date, yawned when I talked about my job, and said, "I could tell you were really into me the minute you walked in the room."

Standard bad date so far, right?

Here's the bizarre part: On the phone he'd said, "The most beautiful sound in the world is applause. I hope I can hear you clap for me sometime." He is a music teacher, so I thought he was referring to applause after a performance. But when we met in person, he asked me to clap for him, for no reason, in the restaurant! I asked him why, and he said he just really loved the sound of clapping. I ignored his request, finished my drink, and said it was nice to meet him but I didn't think this was going to work. I shook his hand good-bye in the parking lot and at this point he asked again for me to clap—but now in a whiny voice, literally begging me to do it. The worst part? I did it, just to shut him up, before speeding away in my car. I'm simultaneously creeped out and intrigued.

Have you ever heard of a clapping fetish?

Clap Off The Clapper

My response after the jump...

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Should one come out as bisexual if 1. One has never actually had a same-sex sexual experience and 2. Is a woman married to a straight man BUT 1. Is 90% sure she would enjoy sexual experience with (particular) women and 2. Has had some same-sex fantasies and crushes (if not quite as many as on men) since 12 years old, and 3. HAS had some sexual experience with more effeminite men, one of which was partly on account of his cross-dressing (I know, I know, not the same thing, but...)

There are several reasons (if not excuses) I've not yet had a sexual experience with another woman, including 1. UBER-Catholic upbringing, 2. Internalized homophobia, which I'm now getting over, 3. getting married young(er), a few days after I turned 25, before I fully self-realized my sexual preferences, 4. complicated living/financial situation with spouse, and 5. Spouse less sexually adventurous, but *possibly* open to my having a same-sex sexual experience if he is involved (how to make that happen in upstate South Carolina is possibly another story, and the fact that I'm not sure I want him involved is another story, too...).

I have always felt somewhat genderqueer/bisexual/possibly pan-sexual, but didn't have names for these things (besides bi-sexuality) until graduate school. Naming these things has been a powerful step in my becoming more self-actualized, but I'm not sure what the next step(s) should be for me. Thanks,

Bi/Curious?

My response after the jump...

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I'm 33, living in Colorado with my partner of a year now. We're happy together and have great sex. We have the best and most healthy relationship I have ever been in.... except for a fetish my partner has. He's into fucking dogs. Large dogs to where the dog isn't hurt or uncomfortable, but dogs nonetheless. It doesn't come up often. Soon after we started dating he confessed this to me and we talked about it. I am okay with him exploring that area of his sexuality, but I don't want to have any part in it. He wants us to both explore it together. This doesn't appeal to me in the least and wasn't an issue until recently. He's been getting more vocal about wanting us to get into that kink together, taking it as far as video bombing me with dog/man porn from his iPhone. What do I do? I made it plainly clear I don't want any part in this but left him open to explore on his own. I feel he wants me to be as into it as he is but I'm not and I know I never will be. Is there a solution to the problem or is there a deeper issue going on here that needs outside help?

Thanks for any advice.

Fretting Into Dog Obsession

My response after the jump...

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First time, long time. I'm a gay male in my late 20s. About five months ago my six-year relationship came to an end. Normally it wouldn't have been a problem for me to get a place and live by myself, which is what I wanted, but due to a serious injury I wasn't able to work for three months and exhausted most my funds on medical bills. Point being I was going to need a roomie.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine in passing, also gay but in his late 40s. He said I was free to move into the spare room in his apartment and didn't even need to pay first months rent—bonus! So here I sit and here comes the problem. He keeps hitting on me. Now I find some men in their late 40s attractive—hell, I've banged a guy or two that age. Problem is he is not one of them. I have problems being direct sometimes. I've tried dropping hints in general conversation, saying things like I'm just not ready for anything with anyone, I don't even want to have sex right now. He tries to cuddle with me on the couch, tells me how hot I am, talks about sexual things around me like his cock size, how he jacked off that morning, etc., and has tried to kiss me on more than one occasion. He also kind of conceited and seems to think I'm madly attracted to him. He is always saying how jealous my ex must be that I'm living with him, and so on.

I have started curling up of the far side of the couch, giving an obviously nervous laugh when he starts taking about sexual shit, spending more and more time in my room with the door closed. I feel like it will reach the point soon when he'll try to come into my room and cuddle with me or "accidentally" walk in on me in the shower. Other than that he is cool, we enjoy the same things, have similar personalities which is a big part of why I moved in with him over two other people I could have. How do I bring this up? I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him upset, but I can't deal with this. Like I said I have problems being direct, so how do I bring this up in a way that is comfortable for both of us and cause as little damage as possible?

Living With Inappropriate Roomie

My response after the jump...

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The reason why bi women, at least, don't like straight girls getting drunk and kissing other girls for men's benefit is that it contributes to the idea that bisexual women don't really exist.

There's a reason I personally don't like it, but it isn't the above. Here's my reason: as a queer woman, mostly interested in dating only other women, when I see a woman kissing another woman, I think it's someone who may be interested in dating me. My dating pool is already small, i.e. limited to women who want to have sex with other women. I don't want to waste time pursuing a straight woman who is just trying to get guys off. Even more annoying is when it's me that they're drunkingly getting frisky with. I mean, what better sign do you need for sexual interest than someone kissing you! And yet, it's not at all a good sign!

I'm sorry, but straight/bi doods are pretty easy for chicks to get into bed. You don't need to involve my sexuality, straight girls.

Some Queer Chick

More reader responses about DSGs... after the jump.

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My friend is one of those men trapped in a sexless marriage, in part because 14 years ago he chose to marry his plain highschool sweetheart—the hometown girl, the safe and expected choice—instead of marrying the erotic and trusted friend (me) who would've kept his life interesting. After rekindling our friendship for the past year and ironing out some old hurt feelings, I offered to be his discreet private whore. In return I want to see three pictures first: his wife's clothed body neck down, the bras and panties in her dresser, and the vibrator he bought for her. I never met her and I never will. He is uncomfortable with my request, saying he doesn't want to bring his wife into it. His refusal is a "deal breaker" for me. He fantasizes about hot sex and my fantasy is to see what he's actually getting at home. By him not showing her face or nakedness I feel that I'm respecting her privacy. Do you think I am asking for too much?

Erotic Friend's Fotos I Need Getting Mutual Pleasure

My response after the jump...

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Originally published May 24, 2007:

I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the internet, I found a site with stories about "mind control," usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy.

Apart from the fact that this suggests I may have some serious sexual-control issues, I was wondering if you had any ideas for weaning yourself from a fantasy. This is not something I'm interested in "accepting." My attempts at incorporating alternate fantasies into my repertoire have failed.

Stop Thinking About That

My response after the jump...

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I'm a late twenty something male. I was out at a house party last night celebrating the end of the semester with fellow grad student friends when I was scolded by a peer for using the word "cunt." I had exclaimed the word when a fellow partygoer struck the top of my friend's beer bottle with hers so that my friend's beer would overflow. The actual prankster didn't even seem to hear me, and continued past us without comment, but a lady classmate of mine who overheard my offhand exclamation made it clear she was horrified.

I was apologetic in the moment but am not sure I should have been. My intent was to contrast using a nuclear-level insult with the relatively benign crime of causing my buddy's beer to overflow. (And aren't jokes just SO FUNNY when they're explained?) I would have tried to argue, if I had my wits about me, that the c-word occupies two rolesin our culture that are related, but also still distinct: 1) the word is acknowledged as the "worst" thing you can call someone, making it the insult that is therefore best suited for use in hyperbole; and 2) it is a word infused with gender negativity, the insult of last resort to be used against a woman when one wants to communicate utter disrespect for her. I think increasingly the word is used in a type (1) way that does not lean heavily on negativity towards women and instead is the kind of ultimate taboo word that can nevertheless be used among friends for hyperbole value. My scolder seemed to subscribe to the inseparability of (1) and (2), or maybe to the non-existence of (1).

Where are you on the use of "cunt" casually and among friends?

Patriarchy Reinforced In A Painful Interaction Sorrowfully Mortifying

My response—and it's not much of one—after the jump.

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I LOVE YOUR COLUMN!

Ok, so I have been in a relationship with an AMAZING guy for the last eight years. We have great sexual chemistry and are truly best friends. So, my man has this fantasy about seeing me fuck his friends. It comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. He loves for me to act as though I'm fucking his friends, he begs me to call out their names during sex, he wants to me to tell him what I would do to them, etc. I love to please him in any way I can, and to be honest I get really into it and I find it super hot. But to a certain extent I wonder if this could be healthy? Or if this is something that he might really want to explore? We never talk about it outside the bedroom. It also makes me feel awkward when we hang out with his friends because I can't help thinking about how many times I've come while shouting out their names. Weird, huh? A while back I developed a crush on one of these guys and even though I'm totally over it now, I don't want this to be something that could potentially be harmful to our relationship.

I'm not sure how to broach the subject with my boyfriend. So I guess my question how can I open up this topic without giving him the idea that I actually would let one of his friends bone me? If this was something that he REALLY wanted to do, I'd be willing, but I don't know that the positives would outweigh the negative. How do I ask him if he thinks about actually doing it, or if it's just all for the sex?

Please Help Me

P.S. Hope you can find the time to answer my questions. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

My response after the jump...

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If Too Soon To Quit moves out, but does not file for divorce, she must watch her money.

As an attorney with some limited experience in divorce law, I so saw many people cause each other so much pain because they did not consider marriage to be a business partnership as well as an emotional and sexual partnership.

Too Soon To Quit's husband could run up a lot of debt without her support. If he does, she could be forced to either repay those debts or pay an attorney to separate her debts from his. It was always messy, expensive work to separate debts that an ex spouse ran up after the couple separated, but before they divorced.

The lease poses a more immediate problem. I defend evictions for a living now. Both Too Soon To Quit and her husband are probably named in the lease. Even if she leaves, no landlord with even a single brain cell would release her from her obligation to pay rent if her husband is unemployed. If he is evicted, the wife's name will appear in the specialized credit reports that landlords check. I hope she can limit the damage.

Yours truly,

Ben Ramm

Thanks for the legal perspective, Ben. More bonus advice for TSTQ from "Savage Love" readers—perhaps better advice for TSTQ—after the jump.

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