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Savage Love

Monday, July 21, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: With Mistress Matisse!

Posted by on Mon, Jul 21, 2014 at 1:35 PM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Mistress Matisse to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Mistress Matisse is a writer, a dominatrix and a sex worker’s rights activist. She has a blog here and twitter here. The archive of her Stranger column, Control Tower, is here. Mistress Matisse will be answering your questions all week.

I haven't found much information on how to ask a couple to sleep with you, so figured I'd ask the guru! I'm back in America for the summer and recently met the neighbors I share a wall with. I'm a 22 year old female and they're in their thirties. I was up late talking and drinking with them recently and have been fantasizing about having a threesome with them. I've always been bi-curious and am very attracted to both of them. Should I go for it and ask, risking future-but-temporary awkwardness or just enjoy their friendship?

Little Unicorn Seeking Two

Mistress Matisse's response after the jump...

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Saturday, July 19, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Hey 19

Posted by on Sat, Jul 19, 2014 at 1:32 PM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

I'm a 19 year old girl who has been married for over a year to an awesome 21 year old guy- I know, it's ridiculously stupid to get married so young, but so far, so good. I discovered your column a few months ago, and as a girl who grew up in a VERY repressed, VERY religious family, I've found it both fascinating and mind opening, which I guess is kind of the problem!

My husband had, at the beginning of our relationship, fantasies about me with other guys. Just fantasies-we would talk dirty about it during sex, and that was it, though I suspect he would have gone further with it given the opportunity. Fine. That's not a big deal, and after reading your column, I recognize it as an entirely harmless (pretty sexy!) innocuous kink. However, I did not enter this relationship with that mindset. I was strongly anti-porn, and defined monogamy as being STRICTLY between two people only ever. So I freaked out after any of these fantasy sessions, and after a few months into marriage, he dropped it.

But now my mindset is different. I want to open our sex life up to explore both my own as well as his desires. But now he claims he's not interested in anything other than the same boring, porn-less life that I (regrettably!) forced him into. As a result, I now feel closed off from him (no way he really actually stopped with the porn, right?) and am unable to get him to open back up. My questions-

1. Is it possible these turn-ons actually disappeared for him? Do kinks ever just spontaneously go away?

2. Did my closed-minded craziness ruin our chance for a healthy, fulfilling sex life?

Thank you for any advice you can give. I think you do great work. :)

Formerly Closed-Minded but Growing up Fast.

Dr. Ley's response after the jump...

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Friday, July 18, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Business Solicitations

Posted by on Fri, Jul 18, 2014 at 12:30 PM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

Dear Dan,
I have a steamy relationship with a prostitute. We have great rapport and even better sex. From time to time she sends me sexy text messages, which I always reply to and which sometimes lead to an encounter. I like this woman, and I believe she likes me, but I'm not naive. I know the sexy texts are probably just business solicitations, and she probably sends them to a ton of guys. But I do believe she cares about me in a provider-client sort of way, which is how I care for her. Just like a friendly bartender and a nice regular might grow fond of each other.
I'm in a personal romantic relationship with a woman now, and I'd like to be faithful to her. This means dumping my sexy professional companion. It also means those texts she sends are now potential land mines that could fuck things up for me.
Do I explicitly end it with her, Dan, the way I would for a girlfriend? Or do I just block her number and drop off the face of the earth?

Blow Off My Prostitute?

Dr. Ley's response after the jump...

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: 3 Minutes Per Month

Posted by on Thu, Jul 17, 2014 at 12:00 PM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and our libidos have always been mismatched. Even in the first few months he was never that driven for sex and I would be happy to get it on three times a day or more if I could. We get along well in most other ways and travelled together, ended up marrying and having children. For a long time I told myself that sex wasn't the most important part of a relationship so maybe I should just count my blessings. It always comes up in arguments or to be fair is the main source of our arguments. There have been months without any intimacy and it used to affect my confidence and make me question the relationship
I figured having children would even us out a bit but it hasn't. I have tried to reinvent our sex life, introduced toys, adult films, discussed fantasies and talked frankly about what he would like. My husband is keen to leave things as they are, says he is perfectly happy with what we have already. This consists of sex once a month that is usually not very satisfying for me. He is keen for a blow job as long as he doesn't have to put any other effort in. I tried giving lots of pleasure to this to see if it would kick start him but it didn't and he got tired of it.

I have asked about an open relationship, introducing a play partner, anything that could make our sex life fun and our marriage work. He wasn't keen. He denies having much drive and says he barely masturbates. The other day I found he had been downloading porn videos at least twice a week for the last year and watching them daily. I don't know what to do, it seems he likes porn and masturbation more than getting intimate with me. I have pretty much told him he could try anything with me but it's not enough. I am in good shape, I keep up appearance and I am a driven person who works hard. I want a sex life, or at least more than 3 minutes every month.

We have children and property together and I don't believe my happiness is more important than my children's so I feel stuck and desperate. What can I do to resurrect this marriage? What am I missing that he needs to want to be with me as a lover? I have asked if he wants to separate and he was adamant he didn't and that it would be the worst thing he could think of. Help me please!


Dr. Ley's response after the jump...

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Orgasm Pressure

Posted by on Wed, Jul 16, 2014 at 11:50 AM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

My boyfriend is a regular listener, I am his girlfriend. So, please, I would love a response.

We've been together a year, and at first I was amazed that I had found a guy who didn't come so quickly during sex. I loved that he could last during intercourse until I came, and that me coming mattered to him. However, even in the beginning, I did feel a bit inadequate, because he couldn't come during intercourse, or at least come easily. There was always one position that worked, me on top, because he likes femdom type stuff, but he never came, and still hasn't, in any other positions. Now, that position doesn't seem to work for him anymore.

He watches a lot of porn, and I've always been turned on by the thought of him masturbating. I also watch porn sometimes, and enjoy it. But, he watches it every night that we aren't together, which is the 4 out of 7 nights, as we live in different places. He has said that his tastes have gotten more perverted, he needs newer stuff, more dom stuff, etc.

He says that putting pressure on coming is the worse thing to do. I have agreed to try and help with that. However, I don't fully agree with that. I also think that his porn and single style masturbating habits are not helping. When I suggested this he got really defensive and it felt like he was defending his baby. I need him to be able to come from intercourse. I love it, it makes me squirt, would hate for it to be off the menu, and do want to get pregnant sometime in the next few years. What can we do?

Intercourse Anorgasmia

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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Good Big Sister

Posted by on Tue, Jul 15, 2014 at 9:55 AM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

I need dating advice for my 25-year-old younger sister who has high-functioning Autism. She was until recently in a relationship of a little over a year with a guy also on the Autism spectrum, who she met through mutual friends and who was her first partner. The relationship was great for her in so many ways: it increased her confidence and they were in the same boat with a lot of things, including taking it super-duper-slowly in terms of sexual intimacy. They broke up, and she has tried to meet someone else through friends, but hasn't been successful. She's now asking me for advice on how to approach internet dating (which is how I met my husband).

On the one hand, this scares me silly, as she has minimal normal-world dating experience, and cognitively finds it harder to pick up on social queues, i.e. to do the stuff you need to do to screen creeps and keep yourself safe with online dating. On the other hand, the internet seems like a fantastic potential resource for her to find a partner. Part of the wrinkle here is that due to my parents' longterm denial about her difference, she doesn't strongly identify as Autistic, and so referring her to resources specifically for Autistic dating would likely make her feel labelled and ghettoized in a way I fear might cause a backlash. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me about how to give her advice in this situation.

Concerned Older Sister

Dr. Ley's advice after the jump...

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Monday, July 14, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: By Special Guest Dr. David Ley

Posted by on Mon, Jul 14, 2014 at 11:27 AM

I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

I'm a 29-year-old woman who has been dating an amazing, wonderful guy for almost a year now. He recently nervously confessed something to me that he's never shared with a partner before out of fear of rejection: he has inflation fantasies and would like to experiment with it in real life. I told him I would happily explore it with him as long as I knew we were doing it safely.

So far we've tried talking dirty and watching fantasy porn together with great results. The inflatable butt plug is in the mail. But is inflation something that can be done in real life, or does it need to stay in the fantasy realm? Is there any way to actually safely inflate someone? And if so, how? I want to be GGG, but it's more important to me to keep him safe, and based on the sketchy information I've seen given out in online forums, the internet is not to be trusted for reliable advice on this topic.

Are Inflations Reality?

Dr. Ley's response after the jump...

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Thursday, July 10, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Nothing to Lose

Posted by on Thu, Jul 10, 2014 at 2:55 PM

I am on vacation. Please enjoy this golden oldie from October 31, 2012.

I have a problem with a guy I like and his porn habits. I know you've answered a lot of questions about porn, but I don't think you've answered one like mine. The problem is I used to be his porn. I work part-time as a cam girl. He was one of my regular customers. I came to like him as a human being, and he seemed to feel the same about me. This last summer, we actually got a chance to meet in person. It was fucking amazing! Since then, we've continued playing online, although for free now, because it feels unethical to charge someone who I really like. We've also tossed around the idea of another visit. So here's the problem: He's still paying other cam girls, and it makes me upset. I don't mind that he looks at porn, Dan. I don't even mind that he pays for live interactive porn. There are plenty of times when he's horny but I'm asleep (we live in different time zones) or I'm at my other job, and I don't care what he does then. The thing is, I feel I should be the one he plays with when we're both awake and online at the same time. But just as often, when we are both awake and online, he's busy with other cam girls. It makes me feel ignored and neglected.

Am I overreacting? Should I ask to be prioritized over porn? And how can I bring up this subject? I don't want to tell him that he can't jerk off or insist that I have to be at the center of everything he thinks about sexually, but feeling constantly sidelined isn't okay either. And frankly, it makes me feel like a chump for not charging him anymore.

Clever Acronym Missing

My response after the jump...

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Legal Highs

Posted by on Tue, Jul 8, 2014 at 2:34 PM

Damn you, Dan. This letter could be from me. Except...

We are married 21 years, and have two beautiful children. I smoked pot from day one. Alcohol—even though it has gotten me into way more trouble—is a-ok since it's legal, but weed is now cause for divorce. So I have lightened up by about 90% and am seeing a (mericfully awesome) shrink to help with my "problem." Stopping altogether, while an option, fills me with resentment (p.s. I am a fairly successful writer and weed has helped rather than hurt my work!). I wrote you about this a few weeks back. But this advice to THC does not help—specifically 420Singles. At least not at this point.

This is just pissing in the wind, I know, and I won't write to you about this problem again—I will just try to interpolate how your advice would extend to me.

Still Smoking Pot

My response after the jump...

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Monday, July 7, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Call the Open Question

Posted by on Mon, Jul 7, 2014 at 3:40 PM

I am a 25-year-old bisexual guy in a relationship with a wonderful straight girl. We have been together for over four years, and we just moved into an apartment together. Our relationship is great and we love each other very much. However, for a long time, I have really wanted to open our relationship up to outside sexual partners. I didn't come to terms with the fact of my bisexuality until after we started dating, so I've never really had the chance try sex with guys. I think often about exploring the other side of my sexuality, but I would never do so without her knowledge and permission. I'm the sort of person who can separate sex from emotional attachment, and my ideal relationship would be one in which both of us are free to explore our sexuality as much as we want as long as we're being safe. Although I've wanted an open relationship for a long time, I never mentioned it because I was positive she would have no interest.

Well, a few days ago, she brought up her own desire to have sex with other people. She voiced concerns about her ability to handle knowing that I was having sex with others, but she seemed to have been thinking about it for a while and to really want the freedom to explore. We spent the past couple of days talking about potential rules and boundaries for this new arrangement, with her periodically mentioning that it was "just a possibility" and that we should think on it "for a few days." Meanwhile, I was excited beyond belief to get a chance to try all of the things that had been relegated to fantasy for over four years. Then, yesterday, she said that she thinks she doesn't want to have an open relationship now, mentioning vaguely that "maybe now isn't the best time." I said that I would only want to do it if she wanted it was comfortable with it, and we left it at that for now.

But now I can't stop thinking about it! It was already something that was on my mind, but now that she brought it up and I spent a few days thinking it would be a reality, I can't get sex with other people out of my head. Now, don't get me wrong—I still love sex with her, but I also want so much more: threesomes, hooking up with other couples, being able to go fuck other guys and girls, and all that fun stuff. Somehow, thinking I was going to have all that and then having it snatched away has made everything more difficult.

So, what should I do, Dan? I know it would be stupid to pressure her into an open relationship when she doesn't want one or isn't ready yet, because that would just lead to jealousy, fights, and a possible breakup. I love her and definitely don't want that. But is there a good way to keep the conversation going? Any advice for what I should do now?

Craving Open Relationship

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Thursday, July 3, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Smoke Her Out

Posted by on Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 5:09 PM

I am a straight guy who has come to an impasse with my girlfriend of a year and a half. (We are also the joint owners of a dog). The perpetual issue in our relationship is one that makes me feel a bit like a selfish dick, but then I do a double take and realize I may just be getting antagonized. The issue is pot smoking. My girlfriend absolutely hates it and strongly dislikes me if she assumes I'm stoned. She has a reason and a right to feel a certain way about weed—the reason being that her 21-year-old younger brother is battling heroin addiction and he has smoked weed since he was a teenager and now he smokes it to fight withdrawal symptoms. Understandably there is a lot of negative stigma surrounding weed from my girlfriend's perspective, and it is all recently developed after her brother turned to her for help. It has been a hard time for us, and the fact that I use weed on a frequent basis is troubling to my girlfriend. My recreational habit is perceived as a slight towards her, a slap of disrespect.

Even though it has been a somewhat rocky road in this relationship I believe that some things, especially epic endeavors in life such as love, take a lot of work and patience. The first year and three months dating she abstained—my least favorite word ever—from sex, and was very distant intimately. She had been profoundly affected by a reproductive health scare and it affected her sexuality in a big way. As a result I have felt repressed and neglected in the bedroom and just in general as if a lack of interest is there. We now have sex on a very rare basis, average once or twice a month.

Even though the sex life has been a disappointment I must take into consideration how she was there for me after I lost my job and went back to school. Part of my motivation was so I could build a future for us. But unfortunately it is to the point where she has stated "she doesn't want weed or anyone that has anything to do with that drug in her life." That was the recent ultimatum. I responded by affirming I will not change that about myself. Here I sit in our apartment with her brooding and me writing you.

I learned in life that to love someone you have to accept who they are, and that means not seeking to change them. I want to be a decent person but I also want to retain my autonomy. It's not like I'm rolling up fatties and smoking them inside. For the most part I am a dependable, thoughtful person. I am also a free spirit and my choices to use weed are in line with my values.

This Horrible Conflict

My response after the jump...

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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: If Not Unicorns Then What?

Posted by on Wed, Jul 2, 2014 at 4:49 PM

I'm really frustrated with your column this week. While your advice was spot on, I hated seeing that it was entirely about "unicorns," Dan, because that term is the worst of all possible things and I would hope a sex-positive columnist like yourself would know better than to reinforce horrible stereotypes.

Whether socially or biologically, women are more likely to be fluid in their sexuality and men are more likely to be closeted. I'm a bisexual man who knows and has dated plenty of bisexual women. I'm married to one right now. There is no shortage of women to have threesomes with; they are not mythical beasts that nobody has ever seen. As long as I remember to not get expectant and pressure the women to accelerate their own relationship for my sexual pleasure, then threesomes follow. You know what is mythical? An openly bisexual man we click with. They're out there I'm sure, but if I get one more "Married and needing discretion" reply I'm going to blow a gasket—and not the good kind of "blow."

So, Dan, please stop perpetuating the term "unicorn" because it only forces bisexual women back into the closet, marking them as "other." Maybe you want to coin a new term for it, something accessible and realistic? You've done it before, I know you can do it again.

Blatantly Irritated

My response after the jump...

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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: A Glorious Chorus

Posted by on Tue, Jul 1, 2014 at 4:02 PM

G'day Dan! It's Groom To Be. Thank you so much for your quick and clear answer to my question about my future in-laws. We had hoped for some great enlightenment and instruction, but you were right that what we really need is patience. My fiancé's parents will do whatever they do and we'll have to be the stronger ones to define the rules for them to become part of our modern family.

Also thank you for posting our letter on your blog. While it's exciting to have Dan Savage swearing his advice at you, it was surprisingly comforting to receive all of the comments from your readers—from average straight people to couples who have faced the same rejection that we are either as gay couples or inter-racial couples or inter-faith couples. Listening to the podcast, you think that "Savage Love" is just the voice of Dan Savage. But actually, you've created a community of loudmouthed but loving people just like yourself! I don't think that we would've been able to truly believe your advice if you hadn't had a chorus of amateur advice-columnists seconding you!

Groom To Be

My response to GTB—my thank-you note for his thank-you note—after the jump, along with another request/demand for advice from that kid whose questions absolutely, positively require a response.

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Monday, June 30, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Queens of the Retail Stage

Posted by on Mon, Jun 30, 2014 at 5:17 PM

I have listened to your podcast for a long time and it has made me a more open-minded person in so many ways. So I am turning to you for help with a prejudice that I have been grappling with. (I would have recorded my question for the podcast but was worried I'd be recognized.)

Rather than tip-toe around it, I'll just come out and say it: I don't like queens. I know, love, and am friends with gay men. But men like the character Cameron on Modern Family I find it very hard to be around. I used to think it was because they are so affected, and I don't like affected people in general. But I have come to understand that some of the things I saw as affectations are characteristics that are hard-wired and cross-cultural.

I also used to hate that this kind of behavior was called "effeminate" because I'm a woman and I don't act anything like Cameron. I get now that effeminate and feminine mean different things. It's like there's masculine and there's feminine and there's a third thing called effeminate. (And I guess there's a fourth thing called butch, and somehow that doesn't bother me at all.) Now I don't have to like people to consider them full human beings with all the rights that go along with that. So I don't have friends who are queens. So what?

Well, I work for a national retail chain and I'm in the management program and within the next year I will be getting my own store to manage. I will have a lot of say over who I hire. I probably wouldn't hire a queen. So my aversion could affect someone's livelihood. Which isn't fair. And while I was chewing on this and feeling badly about myself... the universe sent me a queen. Another assistant manager was transferred to the store I work in now. He's driving me crazy. He makes catty comments to me under his breath about customers and co-workers. He complains in a really dramatic way. Every day he tells me about having the sniffles or a tummy ache. These aren't things you would want in an employee, but they aren't fireable offenses either. So if I was the manager and I fired him, it seems like it would be because he's a queen. My performance evaluation of him would read: "Be less of a queen."

I'm not asking you to tell me how I should feel. I just know you can walk me through this issue. I value your opinion highly.

Princess With A Queen Problem

My response after the jump...

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Friday, June 27, 2014

SL Letters of the Day: Response Required

Posted by on Fri, Jun 27, 2014 at 2:57 PM

I have some questions. Can your penis be soar if you masturbate three or four times a day? Does lube help when you are masturbating your penis? Is it hard to have sex with an uncircumcised penis? How far can the penis go in the vagina?


Can you please answer my questions when you have time? I hope I can hear back from you soon


Can you please answer my questions sometime this week? I really want to hear back from you. I am your biggest fan.


Can you please answer my questions soon? Do you ever travel to Wisconsin? That would be great. Then I could meet you in person. I am your biggest fan ever


Okay! Okay! My response is after the jump!

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Thursday, June 26, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Two Simple Answers

Posted by on Thu, Jun 26, 2014 at 5:26 PM

So I am a single woman, 31, live in LA, and I'm on OkCupid. (We all are.) I've gotten a number of unicorn requests. (Maybe because I mention being a magnum subscriber to the Savage Lovecast in my profile?) I've never responded—until the other day.

One unicorn request stood out. I wrote back. They seem like cool, smart, interesting people (a 40 year old, liberal married couple). Their profile is funny and they're quite attractive! And here I am, not doing anything else or anyone else.... and I'm thinking... this could be cool. It could be an awesome experience. Why not play around while everything is still slim but perky?


Some concerns:

1. Uh... what now? I gave them my number but I can't say that I'm definitely a YES on this. I'm also not a NO. What now? We meet for drinks? Then what?

2. I've never even had a one night stand. I've pretty much always had boyfriends. I don't know what my question is here, it's just something I've been turning over in my head. I just don't want to feel like a hooker! (Not that there's anything wrong with being a sex worker!)

3. I'm not bi. I don't say that I'm bi on my OKC profile. I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would want to put my face in someone's twat. (I know you understand the feeling.) But I don't think I have any issue with being on the receiving end. (Maybe? I've never been a unicorn!) I've done the college playing-around-with-girls—topless makeouts for a boyfriend's viewing pleasure—but nothing crazy.

I think, if I meet them, and if it goes well, I should ask them what their thoughts are about this, if they've done it before, what their boundaries are etc. I would confirm that if anyone feels uncomfortable everyone involved has the green light to call a stop to the whole thing. I'd also lay out my limitation re the wife.

But um... should I go for it? What should I do or say?

Future Unicorn Nervously Guessing At Logistics

My response to FUNGAL—and a bonus question/reminder—after the jump...

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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Note About This Week's Savage Love

Posted by on Wed, Jun 25, 2014 at 1:42 PM

There was a little miscommunication between the guest expert featured in Savage Love this week, Joan Price, and the stupid columnist who wrote it, Dan Savage. It was entirely my fault. The amended column—now a note to readers—is here. Joan unpacks the SNAFU at length on her blog. My apologies to Joan!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Dominance/Coincidence

Posted by on Tue, Jun 24, 2014 at 1:59 PM

I'm a 33-year-old woman and got divorced a few months ago. I think of myself as open and communicative and GGG. In my marriage we explored some dom/sub play and fetishes, but always within the context of the committed relationship. When I started dating again, I was surprised when the first two men I dated told me they were "dominant" on the first date.

In both cases, as things progressed, it seemed to me that they were both really only interested in sex—the kind where they called all the shots and it was difficult for me to get comfortable enough to orgasm. Though both of these men seemed like great people out of bed (funny, well rounded, interesting to talk to), I couldn't handle how emotionally disconnected the sex was. And I was surprised by the similarities in their behavior once things got physical—lots of abrupt position changes and them telling me what to do.

I've been hesitant to date anyone else since these experiences. I feel like both of them exhibited really bad sex etiquette, but I had a hard time knowing what to do in response to get what I needed. Going forward, do you have any advice on how to screen out the sexually selfish before things get physical? And is there some new hipster dominance craze going around, or am I out of touch?

Neither One Noticed She's Underwhelmed Basically

My response after the jump...

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Monday, June 23, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Flawed Parents-In-Law

Posted by on Mon, Jun 23, 2014 at 3:37 PM

My question is about how to handle my soon-to-be-parents-in-law and the complicated reasons why they think we should never have children.

We're a thirty-something gay couple dating for many years and preparing our wedding. I'm more of the out-and-proud type from an uber-liberal family, while my boyfriend is European and from a very bourgeois, very Catholic family. His parents were surprisingly accepting of us. Through monthly dinners over the past few years, we've developed the sort of amicable and caring relationship that you'd hope for with your in-laws. However they were largely cold and indifferent about our impending wedding until they met my overly enthusiastic parents.

But something broke when we announced that we are planning to have children in the not-so-distant future. Although we'd mentioned it to them here and there, they pretended not to hear. But my boyfriend has now received three calls full of some of the most hurtful things a child can hear from his parents: If this is what you're planning then we might as well just die; A child has the right to a father and a mother; We didn't raise you with these values; You knew what you were signing up for when you came out as gay; Don't ask us to do anything at the wedding and don't invite any family.

Those words were traumatic for us, especially my boyfriend—though, you'll say, their reaction is not exactly unexpected and certainly not cast in stone. His parents came around once and accepted us as a couple. Maybe they will again and accept us as parents.

But recently my boyfriend revealed why he believes they may never come around. He's 75% certain that his father is also gay based on certain things he's found on the Internet history. Now THAT'S a surprise. If that's true, then our choice to have children not only challenges his Catholic dogmas and bourgeois conventions, but also his own choice in his early thirties to start dating in order to start a family.

What would you do, Dan? Should we be resigned that his parents' age, religious/family/social surroundings, and deeply personal issues will probably keep them from being part of our big happy inter-generational family? Put differently, do you think that a grandparent who believes that their child's homosexuality will have terrible effects on their grandchildren can ever really be trusted as a good and loving grandparent? Should we remain as out and loud about our plans to have children, even if this risks alienating two of the children's grandparents for whatever their reasons? Or should we keep quiet, try to rebuild bridges, and hope for the best, even if that makes us feel resentful and humiliated, which is not exactly how most couples want to feel on their wedding day...

Groom To Be

p.s. Just checking: do you give your advice to people by replying to their messages? Or do we need to read the column to see if you take up the question?

My response after the jump...

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Monday, June 16, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Buttrasta

Posted by on Mon, Jun 16, 2014 at 2:55 PM

Originally posted on January 25, 2012.

Have boyfriend. Several months. Love sex. First time we sixty-nine, I notice he has a little turtlehead sticking out. You get me? Second time, he has bits of toilet paper stuck in that area. CAN I ADDRESS THIS? And how do I do it without giving him a permanently flaccid penis? I love this man to pieces and know this is a humiliating topic. Please help!

Mired In The Mud

My response after the jump...

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Friday, June 13, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Just Out

Posted by on Fri, Jun 13, 2014 at 3:46 PM

Originally posted on June 27, 2012

My younger brother and I are close. He came out of the closet last year, although it wasn't much of a surprise because everyone knew he was gay since forever. Everyone is happy he's out because it kind of takes the elephant out of the room, and our immediate and extended family are all really supportive. But for the last six to nine months or so, he's been really depressed about not ever having had a boyfriend. He's 21 and he's always talking about how he wants to find a boy to be with in a relationship and not just for sex, but he says it's impossible for him to meet said boy.

Me being straight, the only advice I've ever been able to give him is to just try new things and that way you'll meet new people, as really that's the only advice you can give someone who's looking to meet a potential partner. My brother, however, framed his issue to me in a way I've never really thought of—which is that only a small fraction of the population is gay, and an even smaller fraction of that may be compatible with him, so meeting new people for a gay guy is actually a lot harder than it is for straight people.

He's been on the whole online dating thing for a while, but said it's really difficult to meet anyone who he feels a connection with. I've never done online dating, but I have heard the same points from others who've tried it. I asked him if he ever goes to gay bars, because that would obviously change the ratios around, but apparently it's a little insensitive for a straight guy to say that, and he said he's not really into that scene. Anyway, I just wish I could give him some good advice without being unintentionally offensive (the gay bar suggestion). I'd still like to offer him any advice I can for him to meet a guy he feels strongly about.

Seeking Advice For Family

My response after the jump...

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Thursday, June 12, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: You Are Just the Sweetest Thing...

Posted by on Thu, Jun 12, 2014 at 2:58 PM

First off, thank you for being you and doing what you're doing.

Quick question. I've been corresponding with a guy for a few months from across the country. He has arranged to come to my city at the end of June, officially on business but in reality to meet me in person for the first time. He's made it clear that he's smitten. I really like him as well—from what I know of him over email and the phone—but I don't want this to be a flash in the pan. Is it acceptable to make out with him while he's here? I wouldn't sleep with him until I had spent significantly more time with him and we had learned a lot more about each other, but I am very tempted to kiss him. And I think he is planning to find a way to make out with me.

Need to make sure I can do this and still keep him interested. Also, if and when we were to go all the way, how do I maintain his interest afterward?

Keeping It Simple, Sigh

My response after the jump...

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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: You're In Or You're Out

Posted by on Wed, Jun 11, 2014 at 1:36 PM

I'm a mid-20s female. I’ve been dating a slightly-older-than-me mid-20s male for three years. We met while I was still in college, and decided to move in together when I went off to grad school. He quit his job and moved with me a few states over. Everything had been going pretty well up to that point. We were sexually compatible and open to each other.

My partner and I drifted apart sexually near this time, however. I chalked it up to stresses of finding a new job in an unfamiliar town, and my starting grad school. I figured it would get better once he became financially stable again, and luckily he found a job within a couple months. However, in October of my first semester of school, (about 1.5 years into the relationship), he opened up to me about questioning his gender identity, and was considering transitioning MTF. It made the puzzle pieces come together about his not wanting to have much sexual contact. He opened up everything on the night he came out—about the therapist he had been seeing for the past month for possible gender identity disorder, he showed me his secret stash of women’s clothes and makeup, and told me about his desire to start hormone therapy right away for this transition. I was in shock for the rest of the night, because it was a lot of info to take in at one time. As soon as it sank in, I was very confused and upset about everything (what was my role supposed to be? am I trans-phobic if I don’t want to be with a girl?), and made an appointment with the same therapist he had been seeing to sort out my feelings, too.

I saw the therapist about once a week or so through the holiday season, and after I came back from visiting my folks over holiday, he revealed that he was comfortable in his male gender, and no longer wanted to transition. I think this threw me for a bigger loop, because he had just dumped all of this info on me not that long ago, and he had seemed like this was a for-sure thing. We talked about this for awhile—I wanted to make sure he wasn’t “re-closeting” himself on the behalf of our relationship. He assured me this was not the case, and that he realized that he did not want to transition after his counseling with his sex-positive therapist. While I was still a little confused, I figured I would roll with it and see what happened.

Fast forward a year and a half—even though he is no longer questioning his gender identity, the sexual aspects of our relationship have never been the same. Our sex life has dwindled to once in the past year, and not much seems to come of my gently bringing up a desire to rekindle the intimate side of our relationship. I’ve been getting by with myself, sex-wise, and don’t really have the desire to open up our relationship.

I was wondering if you had any ideas about how I can bring up being more intimate with my partner. It hasn’t helped my ego much to get shot down every time I try to initiate sex. Oral isn’t even on the table anymore—I can’t even remember the last time we actually made out! He doesn’t initiate anything anymore, and I can’t tell if it’s due to lack of desire to me particularly or if he is disinterested in sex in general. I think what makes this so difficult is that he is an excellent companion and roommate, and I worry if I speak up I will lose this aspect of our relationship, too.

Without Chemistry

My response to WC—and hers to mine, and mine to hers, etc.—after the jump...

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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Dom and Dommer

Posted by on Tue, Jun 10, 2014 at 3:17 PM

Within the last six months, with a little sexual exploration, I found out that I am kinky. I am a 35-year-old female and have been sexually conservative for most of my adult life. (I was even celibate for six years.) Finding out that I am kinky, I am a sub, and I love bondage play led to my finding incredible fulfillment experimenting with Doms. I actually entered a relationship with a Dom and lived with him for four months. The fit was surprising for me, and I felt the most happy and content I have ever felt in my life. Things went very quickly, we fell in love, we agreed on a period of exclusivity, and after a short time my Dom decided he wanted to change jobs and move away. He asked me to go with him and I said yes. However, my family panicked about me moving away after knowing someone for such a short period of time—and then I began to panic and I was triggered. (As a young woman I eloped with a man who turned out to be an abusive drug addict that I had to run for my life from.) Once triggered, I became hyper-vigilant, and the only thing I could do was run. I ran out on my Dom. And I wounded him deeply in doing so. We were not able to pick up the pieces after that. I still desire to work things out, but he says that he is done. Does this relationship have any hope? If so, how do we begin to pick up the pieces?

Unhappy Free

My response after the jump...

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Monday, June 9, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Come A Little Closer

Posted by on Mon, Jun 9, 2014 at 2:50 PM

I'm 19 and I've been sleeping with a 39-year-old for a few months—which I know sounds like a really bad idea but he's really kind and I've enjoyed the time we've spent together and I'm really attracted to him. My problem is I've never been able to cum with a partner in any capacity, I can't even make myself cum in front of them, I've just kind of accepted that I can't cum with another person only on my own. I knew it bothers the guy I've been sleeping with he's tried really hard to get me cum with his mouth hands, and dick. He's said that he thinks I'm mentally having problems letting go, which is absolutely true but I still can't cum. The other day I went over to his place and he had bought like 4 different types of dildos anal beads and a vibrator. I still didn't cum, I don't know what to do. I want to continue to sleep with him but I feel if I continue not to be able to cum he won't want to. I have a lot of issues with my self including body dysmorphia disorder, eating disorders, and problems with self harm that I'm trying to work through. I feel that this is why I can't cum though I've never told him about any of that and I really don't want to but I really think that's why it's so hard for me to be open. I am really attracted to him, and I really like sleeping with him. What else do you think I should try to do to solve this issue?

Come On Already

My response to COA—and hers to mine, and mine to hers—after the jump...

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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Are Writers at The Onion Reading My Email?

Posted by on Tue, Jun 3, 2014 at 11:32 AM

Because I've gotten lots of letters from newly open couples who got a similar response from the rest of the world's global inhabitants:

SAN JACINTO, CA—Despite local married couple Jim and Nancy McFadden’s recent decision to seek new romantic partners while still staying together, sources reported Monday that the rest of the world’s population is not exactly jumping at the chance to partake in the open relationship. “No thanks, we’re good,” 7.1 billion global inhabitants of every age, race, and sexual orientation reportedly said to the husband and wife of four years following word of their new romantic arrangement.

Friday, May 23, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Help!

Posted by on Fri, May 23, 2014 at 3:35 PM

Originally posted on December 19, 2012.

This is a touchy and gross subject. I am a 17-year-old girl growing up in an adoptive family in Australia. I was sexually abused by my birth family, and I think it really fucked up my sexuality. The only thing that gets me off is the idea of people absolutely destroying their lives for an orgasm. I started with mild S&M stories and then moved on to grosser stuff like murder (stories and online images), pedo (stories only), and lately I've been thinking about my (adoptive) parents. The thing is, it doesn't have to be a particular category. As long as it's the most vile thing I can think of, it will get me off. There isn't a pattern as far as gender, age, or relationship to the people I am fantasizing about; it just has to be horrible, the kind of thing that would destroy you in real life. These fantasies alone are scary enough, but because they are literally the only things that get me off, I can't even really tell if I'm attracted to boys or girls or none of the above. I'm scared to talk to a counselor about this because I don't want to freak my parents out. I mean, I've got my quirks, but overall I seem like a pretty healthy kid, and I try not to worry them. I don't expect you to solve this problem via your column, but do you have any ideas for how I could get help with this without messing up my family?

Not Over Painful Experiences

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Thursday, May 22, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: No Loss

Posted by on Thu, May 22, 2014 at 2:18 PM

I am a 31-year-old lesbian & am currently going through the most difficult breakup I have ever had. My partner & I were together for 3.5 years. About 6 months ago I moved out due to some violence/anger issues my partner had. We stayed a couple and were hoping to get through all of this. We were actually supposed to move back in together this month.

However, two weeks ago the ball dropped & I found out that she had met someone the previous weekend and was starting a new relationship. She was not honest or forthcoming about this. I found out through social media. For about a week she contacted me every day saying how sorry she was & that she was confused and didn’t know what to do. She also sent me messages stating how the new girl wasn’t me and wasn’t doing things the way I did and it made her miss me. She even came and stayed with me one night. I told her that we could go to counseling if she wanted & try to salvage our relationship but then she would circle back to being confused. At no point was I contacting her first. I always left the ball in her court.

Last weekend I went and got the rest of my things from her home. When I got there she tried to hug me, hold my hand, & was even crying. All of this while having hickies on her from her new girlfriend. Since then I have only heard from her once and it wasn’t the same I-miss-you-I-love-you type of message.

All of this has consumed me. In my head I understand that our relationship had some very toxic points but I cannot get my heart to let go. We had signed domestic partnership paperwork and were planning on getting married this summer. (Her idea, not mine.) Then all of that was taken from me in one night! I don’t know if she is truly confused or was just trying not to be the bad guy. I love her desperately and do not know how or if I am capable of moving on. Should I give her time or just cut my losses?

Heartbroken Midwestern Lesbian

My response after the jump...

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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

All's Well That Ends Well

Posted by on Wed, May 21, 2014 at 7:30 AM

An update to yesterday's SL Letter of the Day for folks who love happy endings.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014



Monday, May 19, 2014



Thursday, May 15, 2014



Tuesday, May 13, 2014





Monday, May 12, 2014



Friday, May 9, 2014



Wednesday, May 7, 2014



Tuesday, May 6, 2014



Monday, May 5, 2014



Friday, May 2, 2014



Thursday, May 1, 2014



Wednesday, April 30, 2014



Tuesday, April 29, 2014



Monday, April 28, 2014



Thursday, April 24, 2014



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