My boyfriend and I have agreed to abide by whatever decision you make. Resolve this dispute for us.

We've been together for nine months. We are gay. Neither of us is hung up on monogamy so that's not the issue. We live in a college town. We both found jobs here after we graduated so we stayed. Since his sophomore year my boyfriend has had an "arrangement" with an older man, a professor at the university. Did I say older? I meant old. We are in our mid-20s, this man is in his late 60s. There is no sex. The old man comes to my boyfriend's apartment once a week and cleans it. Does his laundry too. Washes his dishes. He actually pays my boyfriend for the privilege of cleaning his apartment. It's not much, $50, and the old perv says it's for my boyfriend's "time," since a part of their deal is that my boyfriend has to be in the apartment while the old perv cleans it because that's what the old perv gets off on. He's particularly pervy about how he cleans my boyfriend's bathroom. Dan, the old perv cleans my boyfriend's toilet bowl with his own toothbrush, which he uses to brush his teeth the rest of the week!

There is no sex. (Presumably the old perv goes home and beats off after cleaning my boyfriend's apartment.) None of this would matter if—you had to see this coming—my boyfriend and I weren't talking about moving in together. I want this "arrangement" to stop. I don't feel comfortable using a toilet that a man old enough to be my grandfather cleaned with his toothbrush. This has been going on for six years. The old perv has been cleaning up after my boyfriend since he was living in student housing. My boyfriend says likes the clean apartment more than he needs the money and that's true—at least it's true now—but I say all good things must come to an end and if I'm moving in we'll have to clean up after ourselves or pay a real cleaning lady to come around once a week, like regular people.

But we agreed to leave it up to you. Dan: The old perv stays? The old perv goes?

Toothbrushes Are For Teeth

My response after the jump.

A "Savage Love" reader writes...

You know how sometimes men use their stream of piss to knock off pieces of fecal matter from the side of the toilet bowl? It seems like there should be a term for that. Is there, perhaps, a politician?

Suggestions?

...is a blast.

The 13th Annual Valentine's Day Bash goes down Saturday, February 13th, at Neumos (925 E. Pike). Doors at 8, show at 9:30. $6 advance, $8 at the door. Get your tickets in advance here.

...because I'm answering questions all afternoon over in Questionland.

And now we all know what "pig fucker" looks like in the Cyrillic alphabet.

I have a dilemma.

I'm a kinky, poly, bi girl who likes older men. My primary and I have a great relationship. Even though we're both pretty GGG, we both have kinks that the other isn't into so we do have our sweeties outside of our primary relationship. I mean, she really really loves CBT but I have no cock which makes it hard to indulge her. We both know each other's playmates. But anyway. One of my fetishey things is incest RP ("role play"). I'm not into kids or teens; I'm not into ageplay. Just the idea of fun with "family." Through our local BDSM club, we found a munch for incest RPers. When we went, we ran into my uncle. My real uncle.

We played it cool, as you do when you're at a kinky munch and you see someone you know. Just said hi, talked for a bit and all that. I wasn't appalled or freaked out. (Hello? I'm a a perv too! Like I could throw stones!) But I was intrigued—and that was a shock since I've always been in the "Real family? ICK! Fantasy family HOT!" incest RP camp.

My uncle sat at our table for the munch and I know now that, at least kink-wise, we might be really compatible. I also know straight from Aunt's mouth that he's not getting any at home. She said once at a family party that she doesn't really care if he gets it elsewhere and I suspect that he may have had a long-running affair before he retired last year. He doesn't get to travel anymore though.

Anyway, you can see where this is going already: Do I discreetly ask my uncle if he'd like to pursue this? He lives in another city about six hours from me and I think we can be discreet and none of my immediate family lives nearby. I also know that if we had met at that munch and we weren't related I would be really interested in getting to know him better. I already know that he's a nice guy. My primary really likes him as well. And he's cool with my kinks, I think, and at the munch we exchanged Fetlife info and he sent me a friend request when he got home. He's never been the skeevy icky uncle like the one UNCLE wrote about last week. He's never behaved inappropriately with any of the kids in the family, so far as I know, and he doesn't have kids himself.

So do I go for the gusto or do I go spend quality time with my vibe? I can't think of a cute acronym....

Z.

Um... geez.

I'm going to recuse myself from this one. I have uncles of my own, Z., lots and lots of uncles, and as good a group of guys as they are—hey there, Jimmy, Ray, Wally, Jack, Jerry, Bill, Frank, et al—there isn't an hour in the day far enough from a regularly scheduled meal that I can contemplate what you're asking me to contemplate without throwing up all over my keyboard. (No offense intended, Jimmy, Ray, Wally, Jack, Jerry, Bill, Frank, et al). So I'm going to turn your letter over to the "SL Letter of the Day" debating society here on Slog.

And then I'm going to go boil my brain.

Gang?

I enjoyed the opening to "Savage Lovecast" 172 in which you described being asked for advice from mainstream publications on "spicing up" couples sex lives. I thought your response was great. My wife and I, big fans of yours and the show, saw the devastation from the earthquake in Haiti and felt the need to do as much as we possibly could. We decided that we'd take the money we'd normally spend on Valentine's Day—flowers, dinner out, and the other stuff you came out so strongly against—and donate that money to the relief effort in Haiti. We're encouraging others to do the same. It's cheesy and lame but love doesn't cost a thing, and neither does staying home on Valentine's Day and fucking. Meanwhile, for the cost of a dozen roses, we can help save lives in Haiti. We've been on local radio to promote the idea, have started a Facebook group and trying to get the message out. If you feel like you think this is a good idea, or something that would resonate with you listeners and readers, I encourage you to share the idea as well.

One last thing. We aren't some "married for 30 years, can't stand each other anymore, completely loveless" couple. We just got married 6 months ago, it's our first Valentine's Day as man and wife. We're giving up all the phoney romance in order to help those who need it most. If we can do it, so can everyone else.

Thanks for all you do.

Michael Law
Toronto, Canada

I have—had?—a friend who's been my best friend for eight years. Unfortunately, a month ago she started dating the boy I've been openly crazy about for two years. I tried to be okay with it but I ended up getting a big "F" in that department. Now we haven't spoken in for two weeks. I'm not trying to be a troublemaker or anything. I just couldn't handle being around her and hearing about/seeing them together.

So my question, which I realize is very high-school-drama-esque, is: Am I acting like a douche? I probably didn't have a chance with this guy, in all honesty, so I've got no real claim on him. Is it wrong of me to resent her for dating this guy, a guy she knew I was into? I want to get past these shenanigans. But I can't figure out if I'm in the wrong and I should forgive her, or if I'm right to feel betrayed and if my moving-on should involve not seeing her (and him) ever again.

If you have better things to do than advise me on my (admittedly) minor problem, then I understand, but your counsel would be appreciated.

Hurt And Depressed

I don't know if this will get to you, but anyway... I just wanted to thank you and tell you briefly what's been up.

My original email to you is below. It's not dated but I sent it you around the end of February 2000. I had met you at Sidetrack [a gay bar in Chicago] and I had also read something you wrote along the lines of, "Don't worry about it, have sex if you feel like it, that will not destroy the hopes of a relationship." Anyway... On March 10, 2000, a girl spilled a drink on me at Berlin in Chicago. I didn't enjoy it, but there was this boy smiling at me and saying, "Don't worry about it." I felt like he was special somehow. After dancing and chatting for quite a while I offered him a ride home. (In my Geo Metro, fancy!) I was thinking I shouldn't sleep with him. But then I remembered your thoughts... and I did. And we have had an absolutely wonderful relationship since then. On March 10 we celebrate our 10th anniversary.

Thanks, Dan.

M.

No, M., thank you—your email made my day. In all honesty it brought a tear to my eye. And please accept my congratulations in advance on your upcoming anniversary. How wonderful!

M.'s ten year-old email to me, and my original response to him, are after the jump.

Some of the questions put to me last night by the students at Florida State University:

How do you prevent the gag reflect during oral?

Is GAY contagious?

What's the strangest thing you've ever heard of getting stuck in a human orifice?

What advice would you give to a woman who's sex life is negatively affected by a past physical and/or emotional trauma?

What are some of the biggest challenges you face raising your son?

What happens if a straight girl falls in love with a gay guy?

Your thoughts on guy-in-girl buttsex are...

Why are we gays so judgmental of each other?

Has Ira Glass ever asked you for sex advice?

I only want to suck/go gay on weed. This has only happened two times in seven years. Ever hear of this?

Chocolate milk?

Some of my answers: firmly grip the back of the head; the Christian right thinks so; Charlie Crist in his wife; get a therapist first, a boyfriend second; now that he has access to the Internet we can't lie to him with impunity (he recently discovered that I'm not a lawyer); nothing; mine are irrelevant, hers are paramount; that has to be the single dumbest question I've ever been asked in life; Ira Glass is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life and he's never asked me for sex advice; no, but let's get stoned after the talk and you can fill me in; please!

Also, happy birthday to Danie B.—"Goddess of the Gays, Nubian Mocha," and the wonderful straight girl/gay ally who heads of the Pride Student Union at Florida State—and a shout out to Sparkles.

"If she objects, HH, your mate can blame her for “making” him bisexual—or making him realize it—because he fell on your sword that first time because it was what she wanted."

In your latest column you ended with this advice. Perhaps it was just tiredness or a tight deadline, but that's uncool on so many levels. Firstly you propogate the myth that someone can "make" someone else bisexual, gay or (heaven forbid!) straight. Secondly you advocate someone leaving their partner with a mass of guilt by blaming them for their sexual preferences. Advising this sort of manipulative emotional blackmail just isn't cool. Relationships are complicated enough without adding a mass of guilt to the mix or playing blame games.

Bad columnist, no cookie for you!

Your Puzzled Unofficial Publicist

What can I say? They can't all be gems. I was kinda, sorta teasing as I spun out that elaborate and, to my mind, transparent stratagem. (I thought the suggested manipulation, if attempted, would be transparent to the girlfriend.) But... yeah... my advice to HH—particularly the last few lines—wasn't my best work. I'll forward your advice, and the advice that came in from others, to his email address. And I'll take a few more lumps after the jump.

One of my friends has been dating this guy for a year and a half now—they're both 18. She has told me in the past that when she just wanted to have sex, he would say he "just wanted to cuddle." Yesterday she told me, "He doesn't want to do anything with me anymore," and that apparently he tells her she's not sexy, that she's "just too cute." Now, my judgement of my friend is that she is indeed cute, but also very sexy. She told me she's going to buy lingerie this weekend to try and be more sexy for him, and asked me if I had any advice for how to act sexier as well.

Now, I've never actually met her boyfriend, but she has shown me pictures and the first thing I thought even before hearing all this is "he looks gay" (but I could be completely wrong). I did not say anything at the time, but yesterday after her comment I brought it up with her. She did not completely dismiss my concerns, but she really likes this guy. I wasn't too forceful since I can't be certain, but is there really any other explanation for this kind of behavior? He is 18 years old, healthy, he only sees her on average once every two weeks, and she IS sexy—so why wouldn't he want to fuck her?

If you do confirm my suspicions, how should I go about convincing my friend of it? I don't want to get her too much on the defensive, but she is smart and she'll listen to reason.

Concerned Friend

P.S. Here are some pictures of him—the last one is of them both.

My response—but not the pictures—after the jump.

I heard you speak yesterday at the University of Manitoba. You may not remember my question, but when you opened the floor to questions I asked the last question about my used to be virgin boyfriend and anal sex.

So we have been dating for 2+ years now long distance (he moved to Seattle and I live in Winnipeg) and at the start of the relationship he made it clear that he wanted to save the sex for after marriage. At first it was for a religious purpose and pro-creation... and blah blah blah... and I was fine with it because I didn't want him to force him into doing anything he didn't want to do. Then as the relationship started getting more serious he was open to do other things but not vaginal sex. After two year of no sex (it was sooo hard, but I was totally respecting what he wanted) he was open to anal but not vaginal sex because he was a paranoid that any dick-in-vag contact would = a baby. So I agreed because I'm open to anything! And at this point I was willing to settle for any penetration action! I just thought it was weird that we did all this in a this order. I always thought it went vag sex then anal somewhere down the road.

Was it werid that his first sex experience was anal sex? And if we eventually do get married and have vag sex, I'm scared he wouldn't like it as much as anal because maybe it won't be as tight? And is it bad of me to settle for whatever I could get? Anal sex is awesome... just not all the time.

Sexless In Seattle And Winnipeg

My response after the jump...

Some of the questions put to me last night by students at UM...

Why do guys today go straight from "hi" to "let's fuck" or "blow me"?

What if you love someone whose turn-ons are turn-offs for you?

My boyfriend told me he doesn't like blowjobs before I ever even gave him one (so I'm not the problem). What the fuck is up?

Any tips for the first-time blower?

What's the most helpful thing Canadians can do to help make gay marriage legal in the US?

If I fake my (recently lost) virginity for the next guy I have sex with, does that make me a bad feminist?

What's your opinion on Tucker Max?

Some of my answers: dunno but isn't it awesome?; love him/her, love his/her turn-ons (or give him/her permission to get some needs met by other hims/hers); I strongly suspect that your boyfriend may not like blowjobs; put wrap a ring fist on around it; mass at the border once a year and loudly taunt America for its cowardice and its prejudice; yes; with any luck they serve beer in hell in suppository form only.

So I'm a light skinned, biracial (half black/half white) female in her early twenties who is strongly against prejudice—especially racism—in any way, shape or form. However, this same strongly anti-racist biracial female has recently discovered that she absolutely, positively LOVES it when her white boyfriend calls her the n-word in bed and behaves something akin to a white, southern slave owner. I just asked him to the other day, and considering that I often oblige him with his crazy fetishes, he willingly obliged me in mine, and it was incredible. It also felt incredibly wrong. I really enjoyed it and now I'm just not sure to what extent I should feel guilty for enjoying it, and if it reflects anything particularly wrong with me. So, does liking it when my boyfriend calls me the n-word make me a self-hating racist?

Mixed Feelings

My response after the jump...

I've been involved with another guy for over a year. We live together and everything's great. He has always kept certain parts of his life private, which I respect. The only thing I've asked from him is that he doesn't cheat on me. I'd rather him just end it and we move on. Over the course of the year, I've met some of his other friends, some of whom are his ex-lovers. He would sometimes go out with them and spend the night. I would be suspicious, but I've always tried to keep my jealousy in check. There is one friend in particular who he has gone on weekend trips with. I've asked him point-blank if he's doing anything with his ex while going out, and he flatly denies it.

Luckily for me, late last year his friend moved. Recently, my boyfriend received a birthday card from his ex. I saw it one day while I was cleaning up the house and decided to read it. I probably shouldn't have. But basically what the ex writes in the card leads me to believe that they've had a secret relationship in this past year and that the ex still loves him. Now, I don't know if it's one-sided or not. The ex is coming back to town for a visit in a few months. Of course my boyfriend has already informed me that he's going to "hang out" with him over the weekend.

My question: Do I confront my boyfriend? I can't really say I read the card, as he would flip out. Or should I let this go, as his ex will be out of our lives after the weekend? Am I a total pussy for even considering letting this go?

No Witty Name

My response after the jump…

I'm a 32-year-old happily married man. My wife, age 35, and I have been married for almost nine years and have two awesome young kids. She has earned twice as much of me for the last six years and our budget has been tight we both have stressful jobs but I've been the major child rearing parent. Everything was starting to get a little distant when I asked her directly if she was thinking about having an affair. She'd recently bought up the idea she was polyamorous and so I wanted to know what was going on. It turns out after much discussion—and lying then shading the truth—that she's completely in love with a guy she met 10 years ago (himself in a 9 year relationship about to get married). I tried to be GGG and let her explore test his reaction via emails and she kept me in the loop. He's aloof about it (he sort of took a keep-your-options-open attitude), but now she's distancing herself from me, hiding her feelings and is blaming my insecurity about the situation on why our communication is failing. The last 2 weeks have been filed with tenderness and lots of love making, but I know she's not present with me anymore.

Is this relationship over? I love her so much, but I think she might want to get a divorce. I'm about to take two months off to write my dissertation and finish my 6 year PhD journey, but I am worried that my marriage is crumbling. The kids are oblivious and are happy thriving individuals as we've had such a happy home up until the holidays 2009. Do we stay together for the kids or is that cliche? I'm completely lost.

Treading Water And Seeing Sharks

My response after the jump...

In the recent George Clooney movie "Up In The Air," after a sexual encounter in a hotel room, the woman says to Clooney's character, "I like how you burrito-ed me in the sofa cushions." What does that mean? Is burritoing a girl something fun that I'm missing out on?

Searching Online For Answers

I got nothin', SOFA. Sloggers? Anybody know? Any suggested definitions?

And for the record: while I saw the movie—and loved it—I don't remember this scene or this line. Maybe I blocked it out. I spend way too many nights in hotel rooms and I have a hard enough time touching television remotes and light switches without thinking about George Clooney's three-day-old spunk funkin' up the sofa cushions.

I'm a 26-year-old highly educated straight woman, married to a man I fell in love with in high school. He's warm, funny, intellectually great to talk to, and has been my best friend for half my life. Unfortunately, we had a lot of trouble adjusting to adult life together and got into a cycle where I did all the "grown up" stuff—money, housework, planning for the future—and kept hoping he'd catch up someday. He didn't, the resentment piled up, our sex life suffered, and finally (in the guise of "opening" our marriage, with my husband's very specific permission) I had sex with someone else—the first time either of us had. I didn't expect it to turn into a long-running affair but I was blown away by how hot the sex was, particularly because of my lover's slightly dominant side, which I found incredibly satisfying. My husband knew about it all along and would tell me it was still fine if I asked, but, as I should have known, it wasn't really OK and was driving him crazy.

This went on for almost a year when finally my lover wanted to move on to a real relationship and ended it. At that point my husband and I realized how screwed up things had gotten and separated. We've been in counseling for four months and he has come a long way in seeing what he has to do to be a partner for me (as well as forgiving me for the affair), so I'm trying hard to give us a real chance. But there's one huge, lurking problem. Sexually—starting well before the affair—he just does not do it for me the way he did when we were horny teenagers. He's so passive and lacking in energy that I feel bored to tears in bed. Of course, my affair completely destroyed his sexual self-confidence, and I feel horribly guilty about it, so it feels really mean and unfair to tell him I need some changes in that department—especially after he's been able to recognize his own role in the relationship problems that led me to have sex with someone else in the first place. Also, it seems like things might naturally get better if we could get the emotional/life stuff back on track. But I just can't face the thought of this being my sex life forever, and feel like I need to know if there's any way to fix it before I commit to staying married (or I'll just be stringing him along).

Advice???

A Messy Is Super Sad

My response after the jump.

I am a divorced 44 year-old gender queer man with two middle-school-aged sons. I’ve been in a relationship with an amazing woman of the same age for a little over a year now. Recently she brought up something that concerned her. She was curious when I attend school events why I tone down the femme in my appearance to a more gender neutral flavor. I explained when at school I felt my teens have enough to deal with in school without the complexities of their fathers gender in the mix. The school functions are about them and I don’t want anything about me placing unwanted pressure and hassles in any of their relationships there. And there’s the safety issue. I’m afraid of any violence against my kids because of who “I” am.

While my girlfriend didn’t necessarily agree with my reasoning on this she did concede that their my kids and it’s my call how I handle things with them. She then posed me this question: if we were to marry would the guests who came to the wedding have a bearing on my appearance on our special day? I told her I thought it would as many in my family just couldn’t handle seeing just how feminine I really am. I want it to be a special happy day for everyone and I’d be willing to be more gender neutral for the sake of that. My girlfriend thought this over a bit then said, “This isn’t everyone’s day, it’s OUR day and I expect to walk down the aisle with the feminine man I fell in love with.” She didn’t speak to me for three days after that. When we finally did talk she told me this could very well be a deal breaker for her. She expects me to stand up for myself and BE myself with no excuses and is only going to spend her life someone who is capable of that.

I’ve spent a lot of years post divorce coming to terms with and living out the gender queer person I am. I felt I was really finished in my journey with all that, finally at peace with it. All this has left feeling like a coward. I’m devastated I may lose the most special person I’ve ever known. Do I need to grow some balls here?

S.W. In Colorado

My response after the jump...

A question for you: Is it OK to lie about telling someone you're in love with them?

I'm a straight male in his 40s and I have never been in love. I was abandoned at an early age and while I've risen above that, and while I enjoy a successful career, I've never really felt what love seems to be about. I've never met someone who I couldn't be without. Given my upbringing, or lack thereof, I know I have issues and I have been seeing therapists for many years.

For the last year I've being seeing a wonderful woman and while I know I could live without her I don't want to and she seems keen to be with me too. But while she's dropped several hints (“I love doing [XYZ] with you”) I've never actually used the L-word with her because I don't want to lie. The fact is I could walk away from this relationship and, sure, it would hurt a little, but life would carry on.

We're about to move together and while I know I really like this person I suspect it hurts her that I haven't professed my love. I want to make her happy so should I just lie, say I love her and get it out of the way? I know I'd never want to hurt her, and would be happy spending the rest of my life with her—there's a deep sense of peace in my heart when we hold each other—but love? I don't think so.

Do I lie and make her happy? Or don't say anything and risk destroying the relationship?

No Interesting Acronym

P.S. I know this probably isn't sexy enough to make it into the column but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My response after the jump.

I’ve got a question about coming out to a religious family. I'm a lesbian who accepted her orientation a few years ago but only really embraced it in the last year. I’m now 20, living on my own, and in a different city than my bible-thumping, evangelical family. It’s been a long and difficult journey for me to weigh my religious upbringing against my sexual and intimate needs, but I feel like I’ve finally come out the other side a better person, and a better me. The only problem now, is that since I am no longer denying myself the pleasure of being with women, I have to figure out how to face my family with my reality.

After moving away I have grown away from the church. I am no longer a youth group leader, worship team member, bible study attendee, or Sunday school teacher. But none of my family is aware of these facts. In their eyes, I am still the innocent young woman of Christ, living in the image of God. Every time I visit home I go to church twice on Sunday and put on a pretty face, but I don’t know if I can do that for the rest of my life. And it’s REALLY hard to keep my mouth shut when my family starts talking about "the gays ruining the sanctity of marriage" and how "the gays are going to halt the advancement of the human race." So it boils down to two questions:

1) Do I tell them at all? Or do I just keep living the illusion during visits home?

2) If I do tell them, what’s the best way to come out without being exiled or shunned?

I hope that you can help me, because this has been eating away at me for a few years and I just can’t take the indecision anymore.

Dyke And Unloved Gay Hoping To Educate Relatives

My response after the jump.

I have to take issue with your advice for Clever Nickname Up To You regarding the removal of hair on the balls. I have been happily shaving this area of my anatomy for twenty years or so, and the following method works just fine for me:

1) Lubricate well with soap suds (for some reason, ordinary bar soap seems to work better than shaving foam).

2) With your spare hand, grasp the loose folds of sac firmly and pull the skin taut.

3) Shave the stretched skin.

4) Repeat all over, until all offending pubes are extirpated..

5) For the base of the sac, squeeze gently around the middle of the sac, and then shave the skin stretched tight over your balls.

No fuss, no mess. I honestly can't recall ever cutting myself, and interestingly, you don't get shaving rash on this skin either, in total contrast to what happens if you shave the skin on your pubis. Waxing—youch!

Smooth Comfortable Razoring Of The Epidermis

P.S. Is "scrotum" the ugliest word ever, or what?

No, SCROTE, it's not. "Penis" is the ugliest word ever. More beauty tips for CNUTY after the jump...