I’m a young woman in a committed relationship with my longtime boyfriend, a handsome and VERY well-endowed man. His penis is more than satisfying, but it’s never gotten me off. I only climax when he performs oral on me. I feel guilty because when we make love, I wait for him to finish (and some times even encourage him to cum faster) so he can go down on me and I can climax, too. I can’t cum first because after I do, I don’t like to be touched and then we can’t have intercourse. Any suggestions? I feel guilty for being impatient when he’s doing his thing.

Prefer Oral Over Penis

My answer after the jump...

Mistakes were made...

Usually I agree with most of the advice you dispense. But your advice to ACLU—a caring loving uncle—was questionable. I'm a criminal defense lawyer and had a case where a father was driving down the street in his van and noticed the young man who had had sex with his daughter. Pulling over and jumping out he proceeded to confront and get whacked with a folding metal sign by the young man and his friend, and when the police arrived they arrested the father. Threatening or inflicting violence is a crime that can get a person arrested. If your readers do get arrested, remember the Fifth Amendment right to say nothing, and that anything you say to the police can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Lawyers Always Worry

Re: the dominant women who likes getting her boyfriend fat. Since the woman is a fitness nut, she probably already knows this, but the advice you gave her is actually quite bad for the guy's health. Being a little overweight isn't that unhealthy, but having a fluctuating weight (yoyo dieting) is much worse for you. She's better off getting him moderately overweight and then stopping.

Big Mistake

Another letter and my responses to al three after the jump...

I'm a 22-year-old bi guy with a preference for males. My last relationship was with a female with whom I've stayed friends. Since we broke up we've been hooking up maybe once a month. The first two times she said she didn't want to hook up anymore, but she kept initiating sex. I like sex, so I went along with it. This continued after she started seeing someone (I didn't know at first) and she felt guilty the first time, but then seemed okay with it: I assumed that she had discussed it with her bisexual BF. She invited me to engage in a threesome with her and her BF, and thereafter I was fucking both her and him independently of each other every two weeks, which my ex thought was sexy. The sex continued to be initiated by both of them, not me, although I wanted it. Soon, my ex's BF encouraged me to pursue a romantic relationship with him, with his current GF, my ex, having primacy. I assumed that he had okayed it with his GF. It didn't take long to realize that he was incapable of having two relationships at once and he stopped fucking me because he was afraid of "using" me, even though it was consensual. My ex also stopped having sex with me (although the BF had okayed the sex) and began to ignore me as a friend.

The rest of the letter and my response after the jump...

I went to a dungeon party with my boyfriend on Halloween. We are gay and I'm 22 and my boyfriend of six months is a little older (33). The party was at the house of some older friends of his who are pretty kinky. They would have to be since they have a dungeon in their house, right? There was a lot of bondage stuff and cages but people were just standing around drinking. Then one of the party's hosts asked me if I wanted to get tied up. I turned to my boyfriend and asked if that was alright with him. He shrugged in what looked like a friendly way—he smiled at his friend—and said, "Whatever you want." So to be a good sport and in the spirit of the party I let this guy tie me up. I spent less than ninety minutes tied up. I was hogtied on the floor in my underwear for thirty minutes then tied to the wall for maybe an hour. There was no kissing or sex or anything with this other guy. He was a perfect gentleman. He just tied up for a while then untied me and he didn't let anyone touch me while I was tied up.

When we left the party my boyfriend exploded. He said he was shocked and angry that I would have sex in public like that! It wasn't sex, I said, since nothing happened. "You got a hardon!" he screamed. I apologized and tried to explain that I only got hard because I was showing off for him and that felt sexy to me. I thought he wanted his kinky friends to know that he was dating someone who was hot and fun and game for anything. He said that his friends all think he's dating some young whore now.

We haven't spoken since Saturday night. What do I do? How do I convince him that I didn't know he'd be so upset? Help!

First Time Bondage Experience Gone Wrong

No need to jump this response as it's going to be brief: Your boyfriend is an asshole and the wrong kind of sadist, FTBEGW. He gave you the okay to get tied up because he wanted to spend the rest of the night beating you up about it and making you feel awful. He enjoyed making you feel terrible and guilty and ashamed because he's an emotionally sadistic, manipulative, controlling piece of shit. DTMFY.*

* dump the motherfucker yesterday.

I read your column all the time and I'm hoping you could help me with something. I'm a straight 16-year-old female and I like porn. But for some reason I really enjoy watching Girl-On-Girl or a Girl-With-Toys. If there is a guy in it I find myself looking at the girl. I have no sexual desire for women when I'm not watching porn and I have all the normal teen girl fantasies about boys. But I do remember when I was around eight experimenting sexually with a neighbor (also a girl, also around eight). Does watching lesbian and/or bi porn have something to do with processing that experience or am I a lesbian and don't know it yet? I'm seriously trying to figure this out.

Very Confused

...can be found here.

Some of the questions put to me tonight by students at IU...

If you read about or see certain kinky things & get turned on does that mean you'll like doing it when you have sex & try it or not necessarily & you just have to try it?

How many partners recommended before marriage?

Is it considered weird nowadays to be a virgin in your 20s?

What do you, from your personal experience, think it will take for Americans to relax their attitudes toward sex?

I'm trying to have sex with this dude tonight for the sole purpose of feeling better about myself and getting over my ex. I'm not really attracted to him in any way. Any suggestions on how to make it enjoyable and fun?

I bought a butt plug and it smelled like blueberries. Is this just a sign of cheapness or will it give my BF some heinous anal disease?

Did you get the cheesesteak?

Which is more pleasurable: anal sex or vaginal?

Some of my answers: It sounds like you want to try "it" whatever "it" is; 673; not weird, risky; a complete Southectomy; do it with someone else; put a condom on it and it won't matter what it's made out of or smells like; no; is this some sort of trick question?

I'm a 26-year-old gay guy who's been in a relationship for almost 7 years. When the BF and I first hooked up, neither of us had ever been with anyone sexually before; therefore, we had unprotected sex all the time (because we knew that we weren't going to catch anything). However, a few months into the relationship the BF got a nasty UTI, and we decided to start using condoms for hygiene/cleanliness reasons (let's be real: if the genesis of the word "santorum" has taught us anything, it's that sometimes anal sex involves fecal matter). Fast forward 6 years, and all the gay guys we've talked to about this stuff are baffled that after almost 7 years, we still use condoms with each other. Well, the BF and I are both uncircumcised and the truth is, sex doesn't feel any different with a condom for us. We started using condoms way back when for easy cleanup and to avoid UTI's, but neither one of us ever noticed the sex feeling worse, or even different. Therefore, I have never even once been tempted to have unprotected sex (when we have threeways and whatnot), because it's going to feel the same anyway; why subject myself to the risks?

Anyway, my real question is this: do circumcised guys generally find unprotected sex to be more enjoyable? This has been the case in my informal surveys. And if so, do you think circumcising boys may have the unintended consequence of creating men much more likely to have unprotected sex? I know I've read articles about studies saying that having foreskin may increase the likelihood of contracting HIV (something about the infected fluids being trapped under the skin and making it easier for the infection to be transmitted), but I've never read anything about circumcision making guys want to bareback, even though logically, that seems to be the case. What do you think? Does foreskin promote condom use?

Uncircumcised Never Could Understand riskTakers

P.S. I want to thank you for the work you do and specifically thank you for helping me to become a sexually well-rounded adult. You will never know the lives (and other things) that you've touched, and the all the good you've done. Since I can think of no other way to thank you, I'm attaching a picture of my dick. Feel free to share with your readers or keep it to yourself.

I'm not aware of any studies that break down protected vs. bareback preferences by circumcision status, UNCUT, but I'll ask the Kinsey Institute folks when I see them tonight. Your theory does make some intuitive sense: being circumcised decreases sensitivity, as it leaves the glans of the penis constantly exposed, and anything else that further decreased sensitivity—like, say, wearing a condom—might make it more difficult for a cut guy wearing a condom to come. I suppose. But I've heard from plenty of uncut guys who prefer bareback sex, UNCUT, and I suspect you may be universalizing your experience. And let's not hand any more excuses to cut guys who like to bareback with random and/or anonymous partners. They've come up with reams of rationalizations on their own and don't need any help minting new ones.

Oh, and thanks for the pic, UNCUT. It's... um... really something. I would keep it to myself but your dick is definitely something that many of my readers would enjoy having their lives—and others things—touched by.

UNCUT's not-safe-for-your-work picture is after the jump.

Long-time reader, first-time writer. I applaud everything about your column and blog and really appreciate your point of view. Now, to the point. I'm a mom of an almost 13 year-old girl. Her birthday is coming up and we have a movie/sleepover night planned with several of her friends. However, today, after her dad noticed an abnormal amount of texting going on, I checked her text log, and discovered a series of messages between her and one of the girls she has invited. Apparently they have come to the realization that they both "like" like each other (to use their words) and want to try dating. We're not opposed to this in theory; she seems like a nice girl, and we have always told our kids from early on that sexual orientation is something they can't control and should never be ashamed of. However, in practice, this presents a problem. Liberal as I am, I have to draw the line at sleepovers with someone my daughter is dating, girl or boy. It's just inappropriate at this age... and will be for a while to come. My problem, though, is that I want to address the issue without causing hurt feelings or sending mixed messages to my daughter. I don't want to un-invite the object of her affections, but I can't in good conscience let the two of them—even with other girls present—share a bed. But it somehow seems like I'm punishing the girls for having feelings for each other—feelings which I in no way have a problem with, feelings that I am more than happy to support my daughter in exploring. I'd be happy to have her girlfriend come over after school and hang out—with a lot of supervision—the same as I've done with boyfriends my daughter has had.

The rest of the letter—and my response—after the jump.

I actually get fewer letters like this than most people think...

STOP DOING THE DEVIL'S WORK! STOP BEING A TOOL OF SATAN! GO AND SIN NO MORE!

I saw your advice column and the "advice" that you gave is so SATANIC it is EVIL unadulterated. I know you may think it is a joke, but if you don't REPENT to the LORD JESUS CHRIST and ask him to take away the "stony heart" and "wash your mind" and "sanctify your soul" and "regenerate your spirit" you truly will spend ETERNITY with your CURRENT MASTER SATAN. It is NOT because Jesus Christ does NOT love you... He made a WAY OUT OF NO WAY so that you do not have to reap the damnation of HELL or give SERVITUDE to your "ADVERSARY THE DEVIL." YOU ARE BLIND. AND, JESUS CHRIST WANTS YOU TO ***SEE***. You may Laugh now. But, I weep. I'm crying on the inside for you. You don't even realize you are spreading WICKEDNESS.

Hello Dan, Mr. Savage, Sir, or your Holiness if you prefer. First things first; long time reader, first time e-mailer. I saw a hypothetical a few weeks ago and thought that I would try one as well. Sorry it took so long but I am guilty of procrasturbation; see if it appears in your column it will catch on. Now for my inquiry: Let' say that my current partner is interested in necrophilia (I know you are against it, but bear with me), and I have lung cancer from smoking (a disgusting habit). As a final "I Love You" before I die—and to be GGG—I leave my body to him or her in my will. If my partner were to use my corpse to satisfy his or her curiosity, would that be wrong? After all I gave my consent in my will.

Solving This Inquiry From Fan

My answer—including a call for legal advice—is after the jump...

Hi, Dan. I recently discussed some concerns I had about a potential BDSM play encounter with my professor/friend, and she called in to you at your podcast and you called her back and left a message for me on her voicemail (it's in Episode 157). She had me listen to the message that you left her that day. I wanted to let you know that I really did appreciate the advice that you gave. I had already seen the guy in question, though. Luckily everything turned out fine and I am okay, but I acknowledge that I was acting reckless, with little reguard for my safety, and it was a dumb thing to do. Since listening to your message, I have been researching safe BDSM groups in my area so that I can learn safe practices. Thank you again.

Naive Young Sub

How did it go? Did you have sex with this guy? Did he do that "fear play" stuff with you? Glad you lived.

Dan

NYS's response—and a letter from the "fear-play" top she met up with—are after the jump.

UPDATE: The "fear-play" top responds at greater length—also after the jump.

Your response to ANUS was great, but in case he isn't scared enough to stop his behavior I thought I'd share this horrifying tidbit. A good friend of mine who was a biology major in college would download articles from the Journal of Forensic Sciences and share the strangest ones with me. One article described a man who perforated his anus and died from lowering himself onto the upturned leg of a wooden stool. Investigators surmised from the scene that he frequently partook in this activity when his wife and children weren't home but slipped on this occasion and, to put it unscientifically, stabbed himself up the ass. So, not only does ANUS have to worry about slipping onto the plunger he's riding (which would be tall enough to travel halfway up his abdomen before he hit the floor) but for his conservative family to find his corpse in that position.

Helpful Reader

Just read your latest column with the guy using a toilet plunger as a sex toy. I have to send in a word of warning. A good friend of mine is a paramedic and once went on a call to the site of a dead body. A guy had stuck the plunger to the floor of his bath tub, was pleasuring himself when he slipped. I imagine that boys parents would greatly prefer to find a sex toy while snooping to finding his dead body impaled in this manner.

J.V.

I had a friend whose ex-boyfriend was an E.R. doc who treated a guy who was using a plunger in the manner ANUS describes and slipped and fell on it. The dude died. You might to let ANUS know that his plunger-up-the-butt routine is riskier than he thinks. If he slips on that thing no amount of disinfecting is going save him.

Got Butt Toys?

I'm not convinced that ANUS is for real but I used his letter because I know for a fact that there are people out there putting things up their butts that they shouldn't. That said, I find the above plunger-related horror stories to be a little dubious. A friend is a paramedic, a friend had a boyfriend—don't a lot of urban myths start that way? But the best advice for ANUS—better than mine—comes from "laurelgardner" in the comments thread on this week's column:

This is what I would advise ANUS to do:

Get a craft product called Friendly Plastic. It's a microwave-melted, moldable plastic. It's low-temp melt so you can sculpt with it by hand, but not so low-tempt that your body heat will soften it (unless you're running a fever of 110, in which case you'll be to busy dying to play with sex toys). It's non-toxic and hardens to be non-porous (making it, actually, safer than most butt toys you can buy) and is available at arts, crafts and hobby stores. You can use it with oil-based lubes, too.

Buy some plastic. Use it to make some dragon models or something in plain sight of your parents. They'll get used to you coming down to microwave a lump of plastic in a cup of hot water. But in the privacy of your room, sculpt that lump into the butt toy of your dreams WITH A FLANGE ON THE END, let it cool for a few minutes, then go to town. When you're done, toss the toy back in some hot water to both disinfect it and transform it back into a shapeless lump that your parents will never dream of suspecting. If you can get a hot pot in your room so that you'll always have hot water right on hand, you're golden.

Have you heard of this guy who calls himself a frot warrior? He's trying to promote the practice frottage in gay male sex. At first I thought his site was cool, because it's full of hot pictures, and I'm not into anal myself, which is all you find in most gay porn. But then it turns out he's a douchebag who thinks that anybody who has sex differently from him is sad and depressed and has low self esteem, and that anal intercourse makes men feminine. He also thinks that frottage without any latex barrier is "safe" sex.

His website is here. There are sections that will make you just laugh out loud.

I just thought that if there was a gay douchebag on the internet, policing gay sex, you'd want to know.

S.C.

Oh, I know about the frot warrior. He rammed emails into inbox for years—always complaining about how I was promoting anal sex—before he gave up on me. Good to know that he's still at it.

I'm a 27 year-old man. Last winter, I was visiting with my best friend (Judy) who was also entertaining another friend of hers (Gloria). After an evening of drinks and conversation, Judy retired to bed and Gloria and I proceeded to have sex. It was a great night and, besides that, we got along handsomely and began a low-intensity, long-distance, non-exclusive relationship. We have seen each other about one out of every eight weekends since we met, with one of us flying two thousand miles to make it happen. I wouldn't say things were "serious" but we are very close, sexually and otherwise.

Needless to say, I was surprised last week when Judy, to whom I talk almost every night, mentions off-hand that Gloria is a part-time "Adult Service Technician" on Craigslist. This has upset me greatly. I like to think that I'm relatively licentious personally, and am a big believer in sex workers' rights and so forth. And, clearly, one of those rights should be some freedom from social ostracizing and the freedom to enter relationships with others. However, I also think the other people in those relationships have a right to know that their sex partners are sex workers. Shouldn't Gloria have told me? Moreover, shouldn't Judy, my best friend, have told me? Judy argues that this was Gloria's call, and besides, I'm being sex-negative by even suggesting that this would make a difference. Do I have a right to be angry, even if I probably wouldn't have done anything any differently if I had known? Is there some way to inform a friend that they're potentially sleeping with a prostitute without violating someone's privacy? I feel like both of these women have abused my trust.

Too Openminded Or Not Enough

My response after the jump...

I just listened to the latest podcast (#156) and had to respond to the last caller. That can't be real... a girl who can't get laid, who's willing to pay for it?

After my divorce I hit a period where I was horny but still not ready for a relationship. I put up an ad on a website and had more offers than I could keep track of. I'm not even a "conventionally sexy" woman (I'm definitely plus size), and I was upfront about that in my ad. I spent the next year having sex whenever I wanted it. The guys were so happy to have (1) a real woman offering it and not a scam, and (2) someone who enjoyed sex and made it fun for them without guilt or pressure, that it really didn't matter how many stipulations I put on it. I met them in public, got names and phone numbers, etc., and ended up having a blast. Some guys were repeats, some were just one timers, but it was a great experience all around.

It sounds to me more like this caller isn't actually trying to get laid, that she's really looking for a relationship. If she just wants to get fucked, that's incredibly easy to do if you're a woman. I eventually was ready for a relationship and pursued that instead of casual encounters, but if all you really want is sex and you're female, you can get it.

No Special Acronym

Thanks for sharing, NSA, and best acronym ever.

Some of the questions put to me tonight by the students at the UCSC...

What do I do when she tells me to pull out before I cum, but I already did a minute ago?

My girlfriend wants to fuck me from behind with a Feeldoe, but it hurts. What do I do?

What is Ira Glass like in person?

What is the clitoris?

What are your views on the "gay marriage" movement? Is it an assimilation into heteronormativity or a positive step in the right direction?

What is the best way to overcome jealously?

Has having a criminal record prevented you from doing anything you'd like to do?

Some of my answers: confess; turn around; Ira Glass is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life; it's her cock; yes; to get dumped a few dozen times and realize—preferably with a therapist in the room—that you can have jealousy or a lasting relationship but not both; I have a criminal record?

My chaperone at the UCSC—the lovely Julia—told me about a cool tradition here at UCSC. At 10:10 PM on the night of the first serious nighttime rainstorm of the school year—defined as more than two hours of straight rain after 6 PM—students strip naked and run through campus. They call it the First Rain Naked Run and a video of this year's run is after the jump...

Dan, get with the program! You should have let Fat Admirer Troubled in on the good news: a little pudge doesn't reduce your lifespan—it extends it. If her boyfriend's natural body weight is slender, and he munches junk food for her pleasure from time to time, he's not going to become so fat that he starts having mobility problems or a strained cardiovascular system. He's just gonna go a little soft. Which apparently correlates to a longer life. On the other hand, gaining and losing weight in a yo-yo pattern is terrible for you.

I hope she gives him high-quality fatty foods, though, since the preservatives, hydrogenated oils, and high fructose corn syrup in processed junk will really poison you. I suggest the bakery section of her local Whole Foods. It will be stocked with decadent baked goods and sticky sweets that are made from actual butter, sugar, and cream.

Claire

Thanks for the note, Claire, but I don't know about Whole Foods. Heavy-and-healthy or morbidly-obese-and-flatlining, FAT's boyfriend might need quality healthcare someday... and so might want to patronize a grocery chain that isn't run by a douchebag—a reusable douchebag, of course—who's working against health care reform and tossing around charges of "socialism."

National Coming Out Day got me thinking: My husband and I have been poly for 11 years now. We aren't part of a poly community, don't consider ourselves swingers, and don't tend to go actively looking for secondary partners (though we support our friends who are and do). We are a straight couple who wants to be together, hopefully for the rest of our lives, and neither of us believe that a lifetime of monogamy will help us achieve that. We have a set of agreements we are both comfortable with and these agreements continue to evolve as we have gained more experience with secondary partners.

Though we are quite happy with our arrangement, we struggle with knowing how "out" to be about it with family and friends. How much to tell them? We don't want to keep secrets, but we also don't want to over-share. Do I want to hear every detail about my sister's sex life? I do not.

Even though my man and I have never hidden the fact that we're poly, it's generally not among the first things we tell people either (unless the person is a prospective partner). When it comes up in conversation, we are honest, which often makes people uncomfortable. My guess is that people either project how they would feel if their S.O. were to propose opening their relationship, or they think we are looking for other partners because our relationship is on the rocks.

As a matter of fact, this is often how the subject comes up. Someone will talk about a couple they know who has tried opening their relationship and is now no longer a couple. Someone else will say, "I had a boyfriend who wanted to do that. That was the beginning of the end." These comments are inevitably followed by the pronouncement that "open relationships never work." When I say, "Really? But we've been together for 11 years," mouths drop. It's like they're looking at a Sasquatch or something. Something fabled to exist but never seen. Then the questions start and though I'm happy to answer them, my answers tend to leave at least one person in the group uncomfortable and sometimes angry. It's like I'm attacking monogamy (which I'm not) or condoning cheating (which I'm not) or suggesting polyamory is for everyone (which it isn't).

I am curious to know your thoughts on this. In your opinion, how "out" should us poly people be?

Poly Works For Us

My response after the jump...

This seems like a perfectly batshit end to a perfectly batshit day:

I'm a long-time reader and have a sincere appreciation for your logical, direct approach to sexuality.

I was reading about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize and found myself, despite having voted for him, thinking that it is both premature and, at least at this point in time, unwarranted. But it did get me thinking about the kind of person who ought to be nominated for such a prestigious award, and it occurred to me that you, sir, have contributed much to the cause of acceptance (ie, peace). Acceptance of one's own sexuality, of the sexuality of others. You travel and give speeches, write about these things, give interviews, et cetera. It is a job that you do quite well, and you serve as an inspiration to others. But above and beyond that, you do all of this with a consistency that seems to indicate a true passion and belief that the individual matters. That the well-being of even one person, gay, straight or oscilllating in between, is worthwhile.

Honestly, I'd like to nominate you for this award. I am going to investigate how to go about doing that, and I think there are more than 5 people out there who will agree with me. Just warning you that this is coming.

Thank you, Dan, for what you do so well.

K.W.

The whole world's gone mad—including at least one of my readers. K.W.? If nominated I will not, um, run (do you run for those things?); if selected by the committee—pffffffffffffft!—I will not be going to Oslo. Well, not unless I get to take this home with the check and the medal.

I'm a 21-year-old gay guy who is currently in a relationship with a 49-year-old guy. The relationship has been great the last 8 months but I feel like he is using double standards to get around the things he does. Such as him sending sexual messages to other guys on MySpace and other websites, or hitting on my friends who have boyfriends or partners. How should I go about talking about this with him without hurting the relationship or making him mad?

Unhappily Partnered

DTMFA.

Someone calling herself Mycinderella asked for advice in the comments thread attached to this week's "Savage Love."

I like this guy who I know likes me back but doesn't want a relationship right now. Well, I'm also 4 months pregnant and he doesn't know yet. It's my exes, I love my ex so very very much, but he cheated on me with HIS ex. Okay, anyways. I told the guy I liked (Andrew) about everything that had been said between me and my friends about guys who like me. I also told him about this one guy who asked me out. He asked me out and i said no, but he asked if I'd think about it, when I asked if he would quit the drugs, he said no.

So I outright told him no.

But the guy called later last night saying he was confused because sometimes I act like I like him and other times I don't. Was telling him those things making him think I don't? Because I do. But neither of us are ready for anything right now, I have a baby on the way and the father is in a different state, he's ignoring me now, it's been 4 days since we talked. He said his phone was dead for a couple days, but I think he was with the girl he cheated on me with. What do I do?

There's a full-scale intervention going on in the comments thread right now. Lots of people trying to help (abortion, adoption, etc.), some wondering if Mycinderella isn't a troll, and Mycinderella responding to all the advice that's been offered her with variations on this...

Anyway, if you think you can help... and if you think Mycinderella is for real... feel free to jump in.

Hello, Dan. I am a young lesbian from Chapel Hill, North Carolina who reads your column every week the second it comes out. About questions like DREW's from last week: I personally do not understand how a straight man, after however long he's spent fucking women in his life, can suddenly start to think he might be (gasp) a little homo because OMG HE LIKES SOMETHING IN HIS BUTT! But then I thought, hey, maybe these men are simply visual learners and a flow-chart might help them figure out their sexual orientations. So after finding a suitably hard wall to beat my head against for a few minutes, I made this handy dandy flow chart that I was hoping you could share with your readers. I tried to make it as gender-inclusive as possible, but I'm sure you understand that the sheer range of gender and sexual orientations cannot be captured in one flow chart, so I'm afraid it's quite basic. Hoping it helps!

Lindsay

Good work, Lindsay...

I am a college freshman, and I've realized in my first 6 weeks away from home how readily available adorable, fuckable, nerd boys are here. In high school, I was considered a "cute but odd girl" at best, and while I had a few insignificant relationships, there was never more than one even mildly attractive boy at available to date at any given time.

My dilemma is, I've hooked up with three boys in the past three weeks, and each appears interested in an actual relationship, not just continued casual rendezvous in my dorm room. I know I can't keep up with three different guys, so I'm going to have to break up with someone. In addition, two of the boys run in the same social circle.

In high school, the limited dumping I've done has been easy, given that the relationships were clearly failing anyway. Further, the relationships were defined as "boyfriend and girlfriend." In this case, I'm going to have to break up with at least one nice boy whose only crime is being one boy too many. None of these relationships have been declared monogamous, but all three appear to be interested in more than just sex. To be clear, I haven't fucked any of them yet, just gotten close.

I've been skanky and selfish; now I need to know how to say "let's be friends" as kindly as possible, without presuming that there was a serious relationship to begin with.

How do I fix this?

Completely Underestimated Natural Talents

My response after the jump...

Dan! I love you. I've been reading you since the early '90s and my sex life has greatly benefitted from your advice—but you got something very wrong in your response to DREW this week. Very wrong. So wrong it actually scares me. In your response you said: "Gay guys have straight sex in high school like straight guys have gay sex in prison: under duress."

Men are often raped in prison, so "duress" is a bit of an understatement. I'd even go so far as to say it's an outright dismissal of the violence of these rapes, or the trauma one might endure. I would also like to point out that even if both inmates are gay or interested in gay sex, it doesn't automatically make that sex consensual. Are there "straight" guys who are open to this new opportunity because they are in jail? Probably. But no one desires rape. Even if they have something like a "rape fantasy," it's not really about rape, it's about domination. Rape is rape. It is, by definition, not consensual.

In-the-closet gay boys who have sex with girls in high school often initiate sex with their straight girlfriend so the girlfriend doesn’t suspect anything. This is not duress, or at least not the way you implied it was (it's social, not personal). And it's not rape, though I'm sure sometimes the straight girl, not understanding why this boy who claims to be her boyfriend finds her so physically repulsive that he doesn't want to touch her body, might put on some verbal pressure, or even in rare circumstances, manage to rape a boy (though that girl has a problem that has nothing to do with the gay boy and she should be prosecuted accordingly). In-the-closet teenage gay boys (and girls) have a tough road, but let's not dismiss the fact that as they "hide" with a heterosexual beard who hasn't agreed to this role in any honest or real way, they are hurting the beard emotionally in ways that can be lasting.

Back to the topic at hand: try not to confuse the pressure one puts on oneself to be "normal" with the coercive violence and trauma of actual rape. Please. It makes you sound foolish or, worse, like an advocate for prison rape.

Rape Is Not Sex