The following infomercial for the "Happy Hot Dog Man" is so jam-packed with hilarious surreality—I frankly don't know where to start. So I'll just say this: WATCH IT, AND YOU'LL WANT IT.

BUY IT. GET IT. LIVE IT.

"One of the reasons it's so tough to find work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even if they promise you for five years they are going to leave, and say it on television — you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it — there's no guarantee they won't come back. I'm speaking generally."

Watch all of it here.

Behold: the following found breakup note.

Check out these hillbilly kids absolutely wailing on their version of Earl Scruggs' "Flint Hill Special." The only way this could be improved is if they were all bald and blind (think Deliverance). Oh, and by the way? NICE STUFFED FOX!

Yeeeeeeeeeeee-HAWWWWW!!!

I actually owned this toy. Which, I suppose, explains a lot. (Feel free to make your own assumptions about why I turned out like I did in the comments.)

(Why, yes. This is a spin-off of my "Stupid, Stupid Baby" series. Is there a problem, officer??)

In this video, we meet "Happy the Clown" who just happens to be the most fucking depressed clown in the history of Barnum & Bailey. There are a few reasons for this:
1) He lives next to a very busy highway.
2) In Jersey, apparently.
3) He's maybe four feet tall?
4) His house kind of sucks.
5) He's currently unemployed, his wife died of leukemia, and he suffers from gout. (I made that up—but it's entirely possible.)
6) He hasn't molested a child in days.
7) Jesus totally doesn't love him, no matter what this stupid, stupid baby says.

OMG!! Look at this stupid baby penguin waddling around like he's stupid or something! And what's worse: HIS NAME IS COOKIE. What? Are you begging for people to eat you, you stupid dumbshit penguin?? Well, I for one would never put something that stupid in my mouth. BUT GET THIS: While I suppose Cookie thinks he's cute or something, he reveals the most stupid laugh ever at the 1:05 mark! SERIOUSLY!! He sounds like a pony being raped by a helicopter. GOD! STOP IT ALREADY, YOU STUPID PENGUIN! You're scaring the crap out of us!!

I'm telling you kids all across the land, there ain't no need to argue 'cuz stupid, stupid babies are stupid, stupid, stupid no matter where you go in this world. Case in point:

... and you should see how I go to bed each night.

This just in from Cafe Glace: Tiny little babies made out of delicious MARZIPAN. Nom, nom, nom, you delicious little realistic babies! Daddy's gonna eat you up! NOM, NOM, NOM. (Seriously, though these things could've saved Jeffrey Dahmer a lot of trouble.)

More equally disturbing pictures here! NOM, NOM, NOM!!

As you know I've got illegitimate kids scattered across the country, which kind of makes me an expert on parenting. So I was interested in this study wherein researchers polled thousands of parents to discover which combo of kids made for the most harmonious family life. Now the results of this poll are right here—BUT! Let's see if YOU can guess what they said first, and if you agree with their findings.

(Obviously the researchers left off the best choice, which would be "no kids"—but pretend someone is using a gun to force you to breed, so we can move on with the poll, okay?)

You may recall when I posted this video of two moronically enhanced, dipshit babies who babbled on and on for what seemed like an eternity of intense stupidness. Here's the very funny remix version starring Michael Chiklis and Patton Oswalt, which not only helps prove how astronomically stupid babies are, but also makes me want to adopt them. (Not sure I want to change those diapers, though.)

P.S. Hang around for the surprise twist!

A four-year-old knocks golf balls into a ball collector's cart with uncanny accuracy—which yes, kind of makes him an asshole, but since I've done this myself on numerous occasions, he's a funny asshole.

Remember those stupid babies Humpy posted about this morning? Now with captions!

If there's anything worse than one stupid baby, it's TWO stupid babies with FOUR TIMES the amount of stupidity. In the following video, two stupid fucking babies blather on and on about whether or not "determinism is unfalsifiable." JESUS CHRIST! How could determinism possibly be falsified? How does one go about proving something is genuinely indeterministic? It's like proving that an alleged random number is genuinely random. It cannot be done. YOU STUPID FUCKING BABIES ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, IT MAKES ME FUCKING SICK!!!

Pfft! Stupid fucking babies.

Well, well, well, now if this isn't a shock: Here's a stupid little baby doing something stupid. Check out this video of an extremely stupid baby singing... wait for it... Justin Bieber's "Baby"! You think that's funny, don't you, you stupid little baby? Like you're being all ironic and shit? I'll have you know that Justin Bieber has trained for literally like TWO YEARS to become the worldwide sensation he is today, while you've just been sitting in your stupid car seat, piercing the ears of your parents, and staunchly refusing to learn the lyrics of one of the greatest songs ever written!! And what is UP with your rapping skills (as seen at the 1:18 mark)? You look like someone substituted a Taser for your anal thermometer! LEARN HOW TO RAP (and sing), YOU STUPID, STUPID BABY!!!

GAH! Stupid baby.

As you have probably surmised by this point, I believe "babies" to be the stupidest beings on the planet. HOWEVER! Certain babies—while still undeniably idiotic—are kind of okay. Take this baby for example, who probably knows he's never getting smarter, so at least he has a good attitude about it.

OH! You filthy, filthy baby.

Yet more proof that babies are the most fucking stupid idiots on the planet. (Seriously, guys! When are you gonna figure this out? I'm starting to think you're as stupid as they are.) ANYWAY! Check out this drooling moron of a baby who is so terrified of his Toy Story dinosaur... that HE KEEPS TURNING IT BACK ON. Here's hoping he doesn't look in a mirror and sees himself wearing that idiotic dinosaur suit—I don't think the rental company will take it back if he shits in it.

JESUS CHRIST, THAT'S ONE STUPID, STUPID BABY!!

Dear anti-abortion idiots: How can you look at a stupid, stupid baby like the one you'll see in this video, and NOT want to throw your pregnant body down a flight of stairs? This stupid baby is soooooo incredibly, unrelentingly STUPID, he doesn't know whether to crap his diaper in fear at the sound of his mommy blowing her nose, or laugh his stupid head off. IT'S JUST NOSE BLOWING, YOU STUPID BABY!!! GOD!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND LOGIC?!?!?

OMG!!! BABIES ARE SO STUPID!!!

TomSka made an advertisement designed to boost enrollment at the University of Lincoln—but you know what? It kind of didn't make me want to go there because a) the campus appears to be regularly attacked by dinosaurs, and b) there's a very good chance the place might explode. Oh! And also they can't spell very good. Oh! And fuck college, anyway.

Now I don't know much about lawyerin', but I sure would like to figure out some legal way for former Wyoming senator Alan Simpson to adopt me as his grandson. I think I've kind of gone off the rails in the last few years, ever since I started hip-hoppin', blowing j's, doin' the watusi, sending sex google mails, and wearing asymmetrical haircuts. OH! And of course, listening to Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. If Alan Simpson were my granddad, I'd always be happy, because I would never stop laughing.

Bil Keane makes it so easy...

A baby erupts into uncontrollable hysterics at the sight of someone ripping paper. YOU, you stupid baby, are the reason shows like Two and a Half Men made it as long as they did! You think ripping paper is funny? Here, watch me dust mop the floor, you drooling little idiot! It'll be a laff riot!!

Stupid baby.

Gurrrrrl, I'm not even GONNA start messin' with NO man, unless I have some money first. You think a no-good trifling man gonna pay MY bills? Oh, HELL to the mothereffin' NO. I'm with homegirl here, who KNOWS what she's talkin' 'bout and ain't about to take no mess. Even though she's not out of kindergarten yet. Preach on, Hello Kitty girl!

Let it be known that I am not a fan of throwing up. Neither am I a fan of watching people throw up. However there are times in this crazy life when all the planets align, and the perfect situation presents itself and vomiting is not only okay, it's hilarious. This is one of those times. Watch the vomiter, and the vomiter's reaction afterward. Then start it over watching only the girl to the vomiter's left. OH, WHAT THE HELL. Watch it 14 more times and check out ALL the kids' reactions! It's vomitastic!

I don't know... I'm stumped. This 1971 commercial for Hasbro "Pencil Chompers" reminds me of something... but I can't quite put my finger on it. Take a look for yourself.

OH! Now I remember—it reminds me of our interns! (WHAT? They love sharpening pencils!)