"One of the reasons it's so tough to find work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even if they promise you for five years they are going to leave, and say it on television — you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it — there's no guarantee they won't come back. I'm speaking generally."
Check out these hillbilly kids absolutely wailing on their version of Earl Scruggs' "Flint Hill Special." The only way this could be improved is if they were all bald and blind (think Deliverance). Oh, and by the way? NICE STUFFED FOX!
In this video, we meet "Happy the Clown" who just happens to be the most fucking depressed clown in the history of Barnum & Bailey. There are a few reasons for this: 1) He lives next to a very busy highway. 2) In Jersey, apparently. 3) He's maybe four feet tall? 4) His house kind of sucks. 5) He's currently unemployed, his wife died of leukemia, and he suffers from gout. (I made that up—but it's entirely possible.) 6) He hasn't molested a child in days. 7) Jesus totally doesn't love him, no matter what this stupid, stupid baby says.
OMG!! Look at this stupid baby penguin waddling around like he's stupid or something! And what's worse: HIS NAME IS COOKIE. What? Are you begging for people to eat you, you stupid dumbshit penguin?? Well, I for one would never put something that stupid in my mouth. BUT GET THIS: While I suppose Cookie thinks he's cute or something, he reveals the most stupid laugh ever at the 1:05 mark! SERIOUSLY!! He sounds like a pony being raped by a helicopter. GOD! STOP IT ALREADY, YOU STUPID PENGUIN! You're scaring the crap out of us!!
This just in from Cafe Glace: Tiny little babies made out of delicious MARZIPAN. Nom, nom, nom, you delicious little realistic babies! Daddy's gonna eat you up! NOM, NOM, NOM. (Seriously, though these things could've saved Jeffrey Dahmer a lot of trouble.)
More equally disturbing pictures here! NOM, NOM, NOM!!
As you know I've got illegitimate kids scattered across the country, which kind of makes me an expert on parenting. So I was interested in this study wherein researchers polled thousands of parents to discover which combo of kids made for the most harmonious family life. Now the results of this poll are right here—BUT! Let's see if YOU can guess what they said first, and if you agree with their findings.
(Obviously the researchers left off the best choice, which would be "no kids"—but pretend someone is using a gun to force you to breed, so we can move on with the poll, okay?)
What Combination of Kids Do You Think Would Provide the Most Harmonious Family Life?
All this time I thought the battle over how to replace the Alaska Way Viaduct mostly had to do with conflicting philosophies over things like mobility and urban design, or with more nuts and bolts concerns like construction jobs and how to best serve the intermodal needs of the port. But in gleefully congratulating City Attorney Pete Holmes on challenging the legality of the anti-tunnel referendum, Seattle Times editorial columnist Joni Balter unwittingly whittles her page's stake in the conflict down to its knobby, arthritic bone:
One has to chuckle. Holmes, who several times earlier came out forcefully in favor of legalizing marijuana, is the darling of younger voters.
No doubt she's chuckling over some imagined irony, but to get the joke you first have to squint at the issue through Balter's cataractous eyes. For with all the sociological subtlety of an early John Hughes film, Balter and her cohorts seem to have distilled the entire Viaduct debate down to an emotional conflict between the oldies and youngies.
Chuckling now? Holmes is "the darling of younger voters" and he challenged the anti-tunnel referendum! Oh man that's funny! Because... um... Holmes is old and mature, yet he was supported by all those young, naive, anti-tunnel voters. Or something.
Huh. Now that I understand that it's intergenerational warfare that's guiding the Seattle Times op-ed page, I can read their sclerotic ramblings in a whole new light. You know, once I put on my bifocals.
You may recall when I posted this video of two moronically enhanced, dipshit babies who babbled on and on for what seemed like an eternity of intense stupidness. Here's the very funny remix version starring Michael Chiklis and Patton Oswalt, which not only helps prove how astronomically stupid babies are, but also makes me want to adopt them. (Not sure I want to change those diapers, though.)
A four-year-old knocks golf balls into a ball collector's cart with uncanny accuracy—which yes, kind of makes him an asshole, but since I've done this myself on numerous occasions, he's a funny asshole.
If there's anything worse than one stupid baby, it's TWO stupid babies with FOUR TIMES the amount of stupidity. In the following video, two stupid fucking babies blather on and on about whether or not "determinism is unfalsifiable." JESUS CHRIST! How could determinism possibly be falsified? How does one go about proving something is genuinely indeterministic? It's like proving that an alleged random number is genuinely random. It cannot be done. YOU STUPID FUCKING BABIES ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, IT MAKES ME FUCKING SICK!!!
Well, well, well, now if this isn't a shock: Here's a stupid little baby doing something stupid. Check out this video of an extremely stupid baby singing... wait for it... Justin Bieber's "Baby"! You think that's funny, don't you, you stupid little baby? Like you're being all ironic and shit? I'll have you know that Justin Bieber has trained for literally like TWO YEARS to become the worldwide sensation he is today, while you've just been sitting in your stupid car seat, piercing the ears of your parents, and staunchly refusing to learn the lyrics of one of the greatest songs ever written!! And what is UP with your rapping skills (as seen at the 1:18 mark)? You look like someone substituted a Taser for your anal thermometer! LEARN HOW TO RAP (and sing), YOU STUPID, STUPID BABY!!!
As you have probably surmised by this point, I believe "babies" to be the stupidest beings on the planet. HOWEVER! Certain babies—while still undeniably idiotic—are kind of okay. Take this baby for example, who probably knows he's never getting smarter, so at least he has a good attitude about it.
Yet more proof that babies are the most fucking stupid idiots on the planet. (Seriously, guys! When are you gonna figure this out? I'm starting to think you're as stupid as they are.) ANYWAY! Check out this drooling moron of a baby who is so terrified of his Toy Story dinosaur... that HE KEEPS TURNING IT BACK ON. Here's hoping he doesn't look in a mirror and sees himself wearing that idiotic dinosaur suit—I don't think the rental company will take it back if he shits in it.
Dear anti-abortion idiots: How can you look at a stupid, stupid baby like the one you'll see in this video, and NOT want to throw your pregnant body down a flight of stairs? This stupid baby is soooooo incredibly, unrelentingly STUPID, he doesn't know whether to crap his diaper in fear at the sound of his mommy blowing her nose, or laugh his stupid head off. IT'S JUST NOSE BLOWING, YOU STUPID BABY!!! GOD!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND LOGIC?!?!?
TomSka made an advertisement designed to boost enrollment at the University of Lincoln—but you know what? It kind of didn't make me want to go there because a) the campus appears to be regularly attacked by dinosaurs, and b) there's a very good chance the place might explode. Oh! And also they can't spell very good. Oh! And fuck college, anyway.
Now I don't know much about lawyerin', but I sure would like to figure out some legal way for former Wyoming senator Alan Simpson to adopt me as his grandson. I think I've kind of gone off the rails in the last few years, ever since I started hip-hoppin', blowing j's, doin' the watusi, sending sex google mails, and wearing asymmetrical haircuts. OH! And of course, listening to Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. If Alan Simpson were my granddad, I'd always be happy, because I would never stop laughing.
A baby erupts into uncontrollable hysterics at the sight of someone ripping paper. YOU, you stupid baby, are the reason shows like Two and a Half Men made it as long as they did! You think ripping paper is funny? Here, watch me dust mop the floor, you drooling little idiot! It'll be a laff riot!!
Gurrrrrl, I'm not even GONNA start messin' with NO man, unless I have some money first. You think a no-good trifling man gonna pay MY bills? Oh, HELL to the mothereffin' NO. I'm with homegirl here, who KNOWS what she's talkin' 'bout and ain't about to take no mess. Even though she's not out of kindergarten yet. Preach on, Hello Kitty girl!
Let it be known that I am not a fan of throwing up. Neither am I a fan of watching people throw up. However there are times in this crazy life when all the planets align, and the perfect situation presents itself and vomiting is not only okay, it's hilarious. This is one of those times. Watch the vomiter, and the vomiter's reaction afterward. Then start it over watching only the girl to the vomiter's left. OH, WHAT THE HELL. Watch it 14 more times and check out ALL the kids' reactions! It's vomitastic!