A mini-parade of anarchists, maybe 40 strong, is currently marching up Broadway, in the middle of the northbound lane, trailed by cops on bikes (on the sidewalk) and cops in cars. The marchers are shouting—slowly, sing-song-y—"All cops are bastards! All cops are bastards!" The cops on bikes look bored and capable. A trash can just clattered to its side. There are at least three police cars and a larger police vehicle following them, slowly, at the speed that anarchists walk. It looks like a reverse procession.

Got a stupid, stupid crying baby at home that JUST... WON'T... SHUT... UP? Well, first of all, you have no one to blame but yourself. Those are your genes the stupid baby is carrying, after all. However, while you certainly deserve the punishment of endless squalling from a mentally deprived idiot baby, your neighbors and those around you certainly do not. That's why I'm sharing the following fool proof tip for silencing your stupid, crying, stupid baby. OBSERVE:

That's right. Shut UP, you stupid baby.

First they erroneously deleted his account thinking it was a fraud, then they said they'd reinstate it if he sent his passport, then Facebook reinstated his account with the first name that appears on his passport, which is Ahmed. Ahmed Rushdie. Nice work, Facebook!

Best story ever.

Feel free to reflect on what this profoundly important news means to you here.

He writes to The Stranger:

Hi there,

Having been recently alerted to the Victoria Liss story on your website [here and here], I cannot stand by and have my good name tarnished.

As an Andrew Meyer who lives nowhere near the scene of the crime (I live in Fountain Valley, California), I am outraged by this situation.

I would like to cover for the trouble that poor Victoria has had to go through on behalf of someone who should be ashamed of himself on so many levels.

As a result, I'd like to send a 100% tip from the cost of the meal to Victoria. I will send $28.98 to her if you can arrange for that to happen.

Please contact me via e-mail or at [redacted].

My "name" can't be shamed anymore. It was bad enough when this guy tried his part.

I can stand my ground no more.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Andrew Meyer

Hilarious. Well played. We are putting Andrew from California in touch with Victoria.

On one hand, Mom is probably right: This young man will probably never grow up to be a great breakdancer. On the other hand—was there really a need to bring Asians into this? (To Mom's credit, Asian breakdancers are the best.)

Okay. I can maybe accept that stupid, stupid babies are too stupid to stop themselves from drooling all over my new H&M polo. Because, after all, they're STUPID. What I CANNOT and WILL NOT accept is the butchering of anatomical terminology. NOTE TO STUPID, STUPID BABIES OF THE WORLD: It's "VA-gina" not "PA-gina," you blithering infantile morons! Jesus fucking Christ. I need a goddamn drink.

And more as we dredge it out of our beleaguered brains! Here.

It's hard to tell from this picture, but here's a plastic bag of cherries inside of another plastic bag. Also purchased by my line mate was four potatoes also in a plastic bag. Those things are already dirty! How is this kind of thing not illegal? Of course, said person brought their own satchels.

I think I'll just move to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, actually.

First, the video, in which an uppity couple outside an Alabama Walmart freaks out hard enough to warrant police attention.

Then, the question-answering, icky-feeling-reducing backstory:

Anthony Scott Smith, 41, and his wife, Chrisanna Elizabeth Smith, 40, of Scottsdale, Arizona, were arrested Friday and charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and second-degree assault on a police officer. According to Lt. Thurston Bullock, the couple became irate when they saw Officer Caleb Bibby in Walmart shortly before 11 p.m. Friday. They approached him aggressively, accusing him of treason and of shopping on duty and telling the officer he was under federal investigation, Bullock said.

According to Bullock, the situation escalated as follows: The couple was waiting by the door when the officer left the store and began shouting and encroaching on the officer. They created such a public disturbance, in Bibby's view, they broke the law, giving the officer probable cause to arrest them...

Full story (with mugshots) here.

To close, a poll.

Meet the lovely fellow here!

This young woman's name is Courtney Alexis Stodden. She just got married to a dude who was apparently in Lost and The Green Mile—congrats, you two!

• eonline.com

Now, how old do you think Miss Courtney is? 25? 32? A young-looking 40-year-old who's maybe had some work done?

No. Courtney is 16 years old.

Why do teenage girls keep getting famous for looking like 35-year-old women who've spent an entire lifetime smoking and tanning!? I know it's not a new thing for young women to want to look older, but this shit is getting ridiculous. 15-year-old Kendall Jenner, I'm looking at you.

(Related: Get off my lawn.)

The following infomercial for the "Happy Hot Dog Man" is so jam-packed with hilarious surreality—I frankly don't know where to start. So I'll just say this: WATCH IT, AND YOU'LL WANT IT.

BUY IT. GET IT. LIVE IT.

"One of the reasons it's so tough to find work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even if they promise you for five years they are going to leave, and say it on television — you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it — there's no guarantee they won't come back. I'm speaking generally."

Watch all of it here.

Behold: the following found breakup note.

Check out these hillbilly kids absolutely wailing on their version of Earl Scruggs' "Flint Hill Special." The only way this could be improved is if they were all bald and blind (think Deliverance). Oh, and by the way? NICE STUFFED FOX!

Yeeeeeeeeeeee-HAWWWWW!!!

I actually owned this toy. Which, I suppose, explains a lot. (Feel free to make your own assumptions about why I turned out like I did in the comments.)