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Officewatch 2010™

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dear Person Who Sent Me Officewatch Facsimile Salutations: Thank You

Posted by on Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 2:46 PM

Co-workers mailed this to my room in the psych ward. I will return to the workforce in 7-10 business days.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Officewatch 2010: The Final Night

Posted by on Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 9:41 PM

I was nodding off to a good sleep pilfered from opiates bought on the street when I heard music and commotion from upstairs. Seeing what I'd seen yesterday, I dared not go up there for a look, but I went outside. I recorded what I saw from the street:

I ran back into the web department (duties must not be shrugged), and locked myself inside. Co-workers will return in a few hours, and all will become normal again.


Officewatch 2010: T-Minus 18-20 Hours Until the End

Posted by on Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 2:07 PM

To wile away the time, please say interesting things in the comments section about this installment of Guess Whose Desk!

There sure are a lot of pennies in this cup. What are you saving for, sir/madam?


It's Time For... Guess Whose Shelf!

Posted by on Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 11:11 AM

Now that I have dispelled the mystery of the crow's nest evil forces, let us return to some serious business.

Items: One Super Size bottle of 21st Century Extra Strength D-1000 dietary supplement; one travel size bottle of Molton Brown White Mulberry Fine Hand Soap; one partially consumed 7.5 Ounce can of Relentless™ energy drink:



Monday, December 27, 2010

Officewatch 2010: The Crow's Nest Infiltrated

Posted by on Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 4:46 PM

After gaining entrance to the Keck's office last night, then thinking better of exploring the crow's nest in the dark, I downed seven Alprazolam and still slept an uneasy sleep in the web office. After posting this morning's news, I downed some more sedatives and finished off Anthony's Jameson 12 Year before heading to Tim's office. Upon opening the door, I heard some scuffling and grunting from the crow's nest and then, after a minute, silence. I waited for a few minutes, pulled the last drink of whiskey from the bottle, and climbed the rickety spiral staircase up into the crow's nest. At the top of the window was a most baffling scene, but the first thing I noticed was a window open just enough for someone to climb in and out of it.


An inventory, with pictures, after the jump:

Continue reading »

The Morning News: I Have Not Died, the Weather is Evil, Terror Is Abound in Europe, Jon Stewart = Murrow?, Teena Marie Has Died, and a Bunch of Other Stupid Things that People Did

Posted by on Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 8:19 AM

In case you missed it: I was not killed last night.

East Coast in Weather Peril (Again): This is why it's just safer to stay locked in the web department.

Terror Alert Color Change in Europe: Nine of the 12 men arrested in British police raids last week for “engaging in conduct in preparation for acts of terrorism” have been charged with terror offenses. Also:

The arrest came shortly after police in Germany moved against two Salafist Muslim networks suspected of seeking the imposition of an Islamic state. The arrests earlier this month were seen as reflecting growing concern in Berlin over the radical messages of some Islamic groups.

On Saturday, prosecutors in the Netherlands said they had arrested 12 Somalis suspected of plotting a terrorist attack.

Did Jon Stewart Rescue the 9/11 First Responders Bill?: A discussion.

Teena Marie Has Died: Goodbye to the Queen of Ivory Soul.

Always Look Both Ways Before Drawing and Firing a Handgun in a Fit of Road Rage: State Trooper witnesses shots fired from a car moving alongside his in the next lane. What these people really need is a quiet room and a nice glass of sherry (much like I'm enjoying right now).

Another Reason to Sleep Where You Work: Metro enacts week of reduced service, will raise fares in 2011.

Unclean!: Fake laundry detergent keeps showing up at the port.

Black Sunday: 6 youths held in shooting at Southcenter mall; no one injured.

Merry Christmas!: Man beaten senseless and left outside of bar on Christmas, says one of his attackers claimed to be a University of Washington football player.

Traffic Report:

  • Photo by Unpaid Traffic Report Correspondent Jenny Woo

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Officewatch 2010™: Success!... and Defeat

Posted by on Sun, Dec 26, 2010 at 10:39 PM

After a visit to a very understanding doctor at an urgent care facility, I procured a lovely bottle of Alprazolam for alcohol withdrawals and returned with some tools and a flashlight and set to work on Keck's lock. After quietly picking the knob and two deadbolts, an auxiliary bolt from the top of the door into a latch at the top of the door frame still stopped the door. I unlatched it by sliding my thinnest, sharpest chisel into the space between the top of the door and the bottom of the door frame. Jabbing the sharp corner into the back of the flat bar, I slowly and silently pried it down fractions of an inch at a time. When the work was done, I stealthily turned the knob and delicately pushed opened the door. I peered into the room and turned my gaze upward to the crow's nest entrance. Suddenly I thought I heard a sound from the top of the spiral stairs leading to the nest. Was it a latent hallucination? Was someone lurking up there? It was pitch black to my sight even halfway up the stars, and near pitch black in the hallway where I stood. I closed the door without a sound and returned to lock myself in the web office. I will investigate in the light of the morning. Co-workers are still two days away. For now, goodnight.


Officewatch 2010™: Day 8, There Are Dolls Everywhere

Posted by on Sun, Dec 26, 2010 at 1:48 PM

After a 72-hour drunk, during which I subsisted on nothing but sherry, vodka, bourbon, Relentless™ energy drink, and baby carrots, I awoke under my desk only to find some most perplexing developments. First item, at my desk:


Second, someone has posted a jumble of nonsense from my account.

Third, walking amongst the empty bottles and refuse strewn about the hallways, I have discovered that the dolls are multiplying:

This one, perched above Charles's nest:


This dead one in editorial:


Hiding amidst my dwindling supply of Relentless™, with some mark on its face:


Hiding in the shadows of the eerie, amatuerish busts at the base of the stairs to production:


And finally, this one, beheaded, standing directly in front of the door to Tim Keck's office:


I now know what I must do.

UPDATE: I'm off to the locksmith directly after I dive into Anthony's bottle of Jameson 12 Year and get rid of these cobwebs in my head.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Friday, December 24, 2010

Officewatch 2010™: Last Night and Christmas Eve

Posted by on Fri, Dec 24, 2010 at 12:37 PM

After hackers began some malicious jokes at my expense yesterday, I swore off computers and went on an overnight drunk. While stopping in at Big Mario's for some sustenance, a woman scolded me ("You're supposed to be watching the office?"). I told her that set up a dummy at my desk (not true) and that things should be fine (not true). I do not remember much after this point, and I woke today under my desk (my usual sleeping quarters for Officewatch™) to find this mysterious item on top of it:


I do not know who these pranksters are, or it this effort and yesterday's hack into my computer are the work of the same force, but I intend to find out.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Does Slog Look Like This to Anyone Else?

Posted by on Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 4:28 PM

Or am I still hallucinating?



Officewatch™: My Eyes and Ears Betray Me

Posted by on Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 1:44 PM

While returning from the liquor store (which is one block away, so I am not, as some would accuse, shirking my duties) with a fresh bottle of sherry, I noticed this:

A hallucination.
  • The spaceman is speaking to me

I rushed into editorial to tell Paul, as I was sure I'd seen and heard him earlier in the day, but he was no where to be found. I have now locked myself in the web department to drink away the delirium tremens and their wicked side effects.

Officewatch 2010™: Day Two, Hangover and Plans

Posted by on Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 11:15 AM

After my unsuccessful attempt to break into Keck's office last night, I roamed the hallways finishing the bottle of bourbon I'd unsuccessfully attempted to finish night before last. When that went dry, I started into a bottle of Crown Czar vodka mixed with Relentless™ energy drink, which eventually sent me into hyperglycemic coma from which I only awoke minutes ago. Today I have resolved to consult a locksmith and resume my efforts to gain entry to the Crow's Nest. In the meantime, please enjoy this edition of Guess Whose Desk!™

Item: Ancient 1/4-inch cassette handheld recorder. Please note broken play button (How would one accurately transcribe interviews?) and the contents (one copy of Judy Bridgewater's Songs After Dark).


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Officewatch 2010™: The Crow's Nest

Posted by on Wed, Dec 22, 2010 at 3:41 PM


Later today I will attempt to break into Tim Keck's office, which gives access to the Crow's Nest, where Keck is sure to have all manner of contraband stockpiled in preparation for what he continually refers to as "the impending apocalypse." I will report on my discoveries.

UPDATE: I have picked more than one lock in my time, but tonight I was electrocuted at least once during my attempts. I have no source of light other than a cell phone, and my tools have proved inadequate. Tomorrow I will venture out of the office to visit a locksmith and resume undaunted.

Officewatch 2010™: Images from an Empty Office

Posted by on Wed, Dec 22, 2010 at 3:04 PM

It's still pleasantly quiet here, although the sound of the downstairs door closing woke me to a nearly finished bottle of bourbon and my head on page four Canterbury Tales. My curiosity has not yet driven me to begin rifling through colleagues' desk drawers. In the meantime, please enjoy these photos of an empty office:

News Department
  • The news department.

The sales department (Third floor).
  • The sales department (Third floor).

Some guys desk.
  • Some guy's desk.

The web department.
  • The web department.

Empty hallway with beer can.
  • Empty hallway with beer can.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Next Two Issues Have Been Put to Bed

Posted by on Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 8:17 PM

Everyone is finally gone for a week, and I am just now settling down into a bottle of bourbon and the several hundred e-mails that occupy my "to do" folder. The office is pleasantly quiet, and a calm has taken over me. Just like last year, Tim Keck has promised some sort of bonus on top of state minimum wage if I stay around the office over the break and make sure that "identity thieves don't infiltrate our mainframe." (Last year, it was to see that "the internet tubes don't overheat.") Since Keck does not know how to locate the blogs or even "log on to the internet," I don't mind telling you all that his paranoia is slowly compiling. I am looking forward to catching up on my reading and some long-overdue projects. Happy holidays to all.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It's Time For... Guess Whose Desk!

Posted by on Tue, Nov 16, 2010 at 4:31 PM

click to enlarge
  • click to enlarge


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