that showed up with this accompanying it in the envelope?

A reader writes today, July 9, with this question:

Are there any Easter egg hunts for adults in Seattle that you know of?

Well?

This flyer just came in the mail:

End homelessness! Maybe by the end of June! It's literally impossible, but we hear this kind of message a lot. Is this talking point useful? Like, are more folks willing to help reduce homelessness if they somehow believe they're ending it completely?

It's not like that other Hempfest—where people smoke pot. From the mail bag:

Tacoma Hempfest is scheduled June 25 at Wright Park. We are significantly different from Seattle Hempfest as we are a family friendly, free speech event, that emphasizes the ubiquitous nature of cannabis throughout society. As a non-smoking event, we of course choose to deemphasize the “4:20 Toke-fest” label choosing instead last year to make a plea for a moratorium of specious prosecution. This year we will emphasize a peace on the war on drugs moment choosing to be mindful of the cost and collateral damage in the war on drugs.

There will also be a ban on punctuation.

Dear A. Birch,

Spotlight Media Relations is pleased to announce we are now working with Gene Juarez Salons and Spas.

As a member of the Seattle media, we would like to invite you to come into one of our salon locations —including our popular Downtown, University Village and Bellevue locations - meet our talented staff, and receive a free salon treatment of your choice.

In addition, we hope you’ll keep Gene Juarez Salons in mind anytime you need a beauty expert for an interview, or are interested in doing a beauty or makeover story. For example, Guy Lacey is a great resource on just about any hair or beauty topic.

I just got this voice mail:

Hi. Here’s a message for your political people. On April 1, 2011, April Fool’s Day, there is going to be a massive don’t-show-up-for-work day. Nobody is going to work. And we are going to block the streets. We are going to take our cars, we are going to block streets—nothing is going to happen. We are going to block trains; we are going to block everything. Nothing is going to happen. We are going to shut this country down until it realizes that we are the people, you know. Hey, yeah, the people. Yeah. Get ready. April 1. April Fool’s. Day. Ha Ha! My name is Calamity. Calamity. You can call me if you want. [Doesn’t leave phone number.]

Just thought you all would want to know.

Following up on this, I presume:

Well you goddm no good lousy fucking FAGGOT cocksucker you put my name in your fucking paper and now I get threat. Ok, well see you have just violated a NEW law along with CUKING FUCKING DICK FESES FACE but all is good its all good. I got to make a few phone call but well' see after that dont worry muh nigga its all good NOT!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.

(However, I'm happy to see the return of "NOT!")

A reader writes (sic throughout):

I am new to Seattle and Cap Hill and am wondering- do you faggots have nicknames for your "Gay Mafia" like the real Mafia does? I mean, is there like a "Timmy the Cocksucker" and Freddie the Pedo-Lester? How about AIDS ASs Bobby or Gaping Rectum Ronny??

Listen to me you fuck- when I talked to my real estate agent abotut my condo, they didn't say nothing about all these faggots up here and I guess you have to "play the game" and you fucks have your own AIDS infected hell holes like that fucking place by te six Arms where all you can smell is cum in the streets. This is a public health Violation! I am already contacting a lawyer and its one thing to be gay, nobofy gives a FUCK what you fucking faggots do in your PRIVACY OF OWN HOME WITH DOORS LOCKED AND WINDOWS DRAWN but in the streets it is againt the LAW! I hapen to know people who will be hearing about this, not including you you fucking dooooooosh bag. Eat sit and die motherfucker, I hope you all get the AIDS!!!!

Anyone who'd care to answer the letter-writer's question about gay mafia monikers or anything else may reach him at ma.pistonejr@gmail.com.

We get fewer letters to the editor than we used to, now that you can comment on just about anything on our website, but a steady supply of old-fashioned correspondence still streams in, and sometimes it's fun to dip in and see what's up.

Remember the old tale (from your much hated Bible) about Sodom & Gomorrah?

We can now safely call it Seattle & Tacoma. What a Utopian world it would be for you left-wing fanatics at "the Stranger" if all the country was bowing down subserviently to homosexuals, apostates, and evolutionists. Unfortunately for you, most people in this country are completely against your new world order which embodies chaos & anarchy. Thus creating a world view which is feebly esoteric and confined to the boundaries of the northwest. You wouldn't like it in the southeast, trust me.

As your publicized diatribes spew forth platitudes of how the Christians are overbearing, intrusive people, you in turn create hypocrasy by hatred of God and veritable persecution of any moral individual. As you push the envelope for acceptance of homosexuals/lesbians you alienate & castigate srtraight people.

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A voicemail just now:

"Hi, Dominic. I have a subject you may be interested in writing an article about. It involves Jesus, why he was holy, why he was clean. His main advantage over other babies at that time was that he was clean—clean because of the gold and clean because of the incense that was given to Mary by the priests or kings or whatever you want to call them. She was able, with the gold, to get babysitters..." and DELETE!

From Australia:

The note inside after the jump.

Continue reading »

Fearless intern David Trujillo transcribed it so you can follow along:

Uh, yes, my name is Enra. I used to write for The Stranger magazine in 1999. This is very, very important what I’m going to tell you. Chief Seattle said, “If you don’t keep your promise to my people, there will be nowhere on earth where the white man is alone; when your children think they’re walking alone in the shop, they will not be alone.” We wiped out 60 million Native Americans. The Gulf Oil Spill is actually the Cortes Oil Spill—it hit on the 21st of April, which is the same date that Cortes landed in 1519, and it is also the Queen Elizabeth’s birthday, and the day after Hitler. And, the, um, if you reverse Cortes it is Tesco. Now, Tesco has gone into a church here, it has gone into the Isle of Man, everything small has closed down. All the pubs and small shops are closed. And so, it’s karma. Karma. Uh, uh, John Pilger said, on the 18th of July, 2001—and that is the same date that David Kelly was killed two years later, who said that there was no weapons in Iraq except the ones that we sold, that we sold them—um, he said, John Pilger said, that Ford motor industry and—a combination of Ford motor industry and the, um, corporate and military and political, um, joining together. This was on the 18th of July, and a threat to the rest of the earth, and they didn’t listen, they ignored nature. And it's nature—it comes back to nature. And Chief Seattle’s words are ringing true. They, we, we, we banned, got the, the um, the Sun Dance and the Ghost Dance. We lifted the ban in 1978 on the 11th of August. We haven’t lifted the ban on the Ghost Dance. Well I’ll tell you something, as I speak for Britain, 60 million ghosts are here! Red man is taking over Britain! And thank god!

Two thoughts: (1) We used to have some awesome freelancers; and (2) after listening to this mp3 in iTunes, the thing that came up next was Seattle School's first couple seconds of the Zombies' "Time of the Season" on seemingly infinite repeat—the perfect mental cleanser. Let it clean your brains too: