Protesters!

Well, a protester anyway. There were flyers on telephone poles around the theater that accused me of wanting to prostitute Portland, and warning Portlanders that they could catch "Spiritual Swing Flu" from me and Stranger Tim Keck and Pornland Mercury editor Steven Humphrey. Get it? Pornland Mercury? Ha!

There were two sold-out screenings of HUMP! 5 at Portland's Cinema 21 last night and there are two more sold-out screenings tonight. It was Portland's first ever HUMP! and—just like two weeks ago at On the Boards in Seattle—audiences laughed, gasped, cried, cheered as for Violet Uprising, The Password, Cyclust, Sex Moves 102, Citizen Came, Our Ruinous Love, ET2, and all the other films in HUMP. But Portland's audiences did one thing Seattle audiences couldn't do: knock back a drink during the show. In Oregon adults are allowed to enjoy more than once vice at a time—you can have a drink and watch porn or strippers down here—because Oregon treats adults like adults.

We're going to count Portland's votes tomorrow afternoon and we'll be announcing the winners of HUMP! 5—the two $2000 grand prizes along with the second- and third-place prizes—in the print editions of the Stranger and the Portland Mercury this week.

First, let me get this out of my system: ANAL HOOK. Where did that thing go? Even I'm still reeling.

Okay... if you attended HUMP! and paid attention to my remarks before the screening then you know why we haven't announced the winners yet: there are four screenings of HUMP! 5 in Portland this weekend. Back in the spring I challenged Portland's sexually adventurous singles, couples, kinksters, and wannabe porn stars to make films for HUMP! 5. So much good stuff poured in from Portland that we felt it only right and fair to have screenings down there so Portland could cheer on—and vote for—their hometown heroes.

Did you miss HUMP! 5 in Seattle? Were you unable to get your hands on a ticket? Did you see HUMP! 5 and want to experience the magic again? Or do you just have nothing better to do this weekend? Then you are cordially invited to join us in Portland at Cinema 21 (616 NW 21st) this Friday and Saturday night. There are four screenings—Friday at 7 and 9:30 PM, Saturday at 7 and 9:30 PM—and there are still tickets available. The Friday at 7 show is 18+, all other shows are 21+. I'll be there, the lovely and talented Caroline Dodge will be there, and—most exciting for me—the boys from Citizen Came will be there.

We've already counted up Seattle's HUMP! 5 ballots and we'll announce the winners of HUMP! 5 after we count up Portland's ballots. The winners of the two $2000 grand prizes—and $500 and $250 runners up prizes—will be announced in next week's paper.

Watch SLOG, Monday, for a special HUMP! 5 How Was It? video...

More photos after the jump!

"Spotted McGinn working the crowd At the mobile chowdown in Interbay," writes Slog tipper Paul.

So... last night at the 10 PM screening a woman came out of the theater and told us—utterly mortified—that she had thrown up. It was the anal hook that did it. She was sober and so, so, so very sorry. We told her it was okay, asked here roughly where we could find it, and asked people after the screening to look down and make sure they didn't step in it. Then we went to look for it. To clean it up before the next audience came in.

AND WE COULDN'T FIND IT.

She was sure she had puked—positive—but there was no evidence in the theater. We looked everywhere. I shudder to think what might have happened. It was a HUMP! audience, after all...

If you were among the 2100 people who crowded into On the Boards tonight for one of the seven sold out screenings of HUMP! 5... and you wanna talk about what you saw, what you liked, what you didn't, and the sights and sounds from which you may never recover... this is your open thread.

All but one screening of HUMP! 5—which goes down this weekend at On the Boards—has been sold out for weeks now. There are still tickets available for Friday's noon screening. We had been holding back some tickets back for a few prime screenings—screenings at times that may be more convenient than noon on a workday—and we can release these extra tickets now that all the HUMP! contributers have their tickets. There are about 25 pairs of tickets total available for the 8 PM and midnight shows on Friday, and the 8 PM and 10 PM shows on Saturday.

And they're on sale... now!

All previously announced HUMP! 5 screenings are sold out—they sold out in 24 hours—so we've added two shows: Friday at noon and 2. Once we get comps to all the folks who submitted films for HUMP! there may be a few additional seats released for other screenings. But we won't be adding any more screenings. These are the only two shows we can add to the schedule this year. Get your HUMP! tickets while you can.

"We didn't ask for pee, did we?"

Porn! You know you want it. Tickets sell out fast, so act now!

Stay tuned for details...

UPDATE: The requested showtimes...

Fri Oct 9: 4 pm, 6 pm, 8 pm, 10 pm, and midnight.
Sat Oct 10: Noon, 2 pm, 4 pm, 6 pm, 8 pm, and 10 pm.

You have one more week to pull your HUMP! 5 submission together! More details here! Get HUMPing!

"I would make a HUMP! film, but I don't have a video camera".

Sure you do. Doesn't your cell phone or digital camera have a video function? I bet it does. As long your scenes are decently lit, the lo-fi quality could even add a to the effect. May I suggest The Blair SWITCH Project? Bottoms topping tops, out the woods? SCARY!

HUMP! submission deadline is Sept. 15th 21st.

I can't tell you how many people say, "I wanna make a HUMP! film, but I can't find any actors". Don't let that stop you for a single stinkin' second. Take a page from one last year's amazing La Petite Mort. Only weeks after HUMP! 4, *THIS* Durex condom ad popped up. Hmmm...

(Like yesterday, only the audio might be NSFW. More on HUMP! HERE. Also, please note, the filmmakers posted this video on YouTube, not The Stranger. We destroy each and every copy of every film at the end of the festival).

Someone in over in Questionland wonders, "What is the typical HUMP! video?" I don't think there's a typical format, but the very first thing a HUMP!-er should decide is whether you're goin' for the the HOT, or the HUMOR. Here's last year's winner, in humor, directed by Kanako Tube...

(Only the audio might be NSFW. More on HUMP! HERE. Also, note, the filmmakers posted this video on YouTube, not The Stranger. We destroy each and every copy of every film at the end of the festival).

Because the time is now, people. Get to it!

This is HUMP!'s fifth anniversary. Here are some facts about the number five:

5 is the number between 4 and 6. Why not have 4 or six people in your movie for HUMP!?
A starfish has 5 arms. Why not have sex with one? In a movie!!!
Humans have 5 fingers one each hand. Why not use them to grab a penis or boob?
There are 5 traditional pillars of Islam. Why not stick YOUR "pillar" in HIS Holy Land!?
"There are five solutions to Znám's problem of length 6." I don't know what that means, but it sounds totally sexy!
The traditional fifth anniversary gift is wood. WOOD LIKE A BONER!!!

Those are just some ideas I had. The deadline is September 21. Please get to sexing.

It's HUMP! time, kiddles!

Last year was my first-ever HUMP! and here is how I felt about it:

Maybe it's because I'm admittedly skeeved out by public displays of sexuality (e.g., the time I went to the strip-club lunch buffet and then had to dry-clean my own brain), and so sitting in a room with a whole lot of clandestine man- and lady-boners watching my neighborhood barista get pleasured with the business-end of a bicycle pump didn't exactly sound like my cup of unidentifiable fluid. But this year, as film editor, I have certain duties and responsibilities. Duties and responsibilities that involve your genitals. Hooray for us all.

Oh, last year me. What a baby. I was very, very wrong, of course, but also very, very right: HUMP! is a magical, educational, hot, and totally skeevifying journey through the human butthole and back again. It's like The Incredible Journey, but with vaginas and daggers! The Adventures of Milo and Otis and a Dildo! All Dogs Go to Heaven...Sexually! FernGully!!! Secret of Nimh! FIEVEL MOUSKEWITZ! ...Wait, I'm lost. This took a gross turn. What's my point?

AH, YES. THE HUMP!

I can't wait to see what you fuckers come up with this year. The deadline is September 21. All details available HERE. I love you.

We have our winners. The authors of these five HUMP film treatments—which will be forwarded to Lynn Shelton—each get two tickets to the 7 PM screening of Humpday tomorrow night at the Harvard Exit.

Shelton is known for a distinct sense of realistic, mumblecore, whathaveyou. Her HUMP! submission should play to her directorial strengths: Shelton would follow via steadycam a day in the life of pornography addict. The character, a slightly dumpy man in his mid-30’s, would be seen in every element of his natural wanking environment. From an orderly apartment covered in jerk-material arranged tidily, to his bus trips watching yank films on his iPod with his headphones in. Brief visits to the library to achieve his mid-day fixes on the internet. Within the time-frame, not only could Shelton utilize every extra credit location with ease, but also allow an audience to connect with a sad, lonely man and his constant, wanking struggle.

"Politic-hoes": I’d love to see Ms. Shelton create a porno inspired by the 2009 Seattle elections. The plot line would involve an election night party gone haywire. Several campaigns inadvertently book the same site for their election night parties, and as the booze flows and the results pour in, former adversaries find themselves in a variety of unexpected positions and combinations. Of course, the film would incorporate some of the smart humor I’ve seen in the Humpday previews. Cameos from real-life local politicians preferred, but not required.

Argentinian airport bathroom stall: Some pastor tapping foot to a
Senator next-door. Cut to orgy between them and an intern (make him wear confederate flag
jockstrap please). End with a shot of Santorum on the condom.

FULL FEMALE CRUDITY: A cute but schlumpy Christian blogger, let's call him DK, is flaming back at an online rival, invoking in broadest terms the story of Sodom. As he becomes bored with his own tired, inarticulate rhetoric, the scene dissolves to a fantasy of DK as Lot in a biblical temple, sending his hottie virgin daughters off to the hands of the unruly mob. Butch angels descend around him, and are about to pass judgment, when the babes return, pussycat doll style, storm the temple and bind, beat and peg Lot while the Angels masturbate around them. DK starts awake. A voice calls out, “Dinner’s ready!”

Sorrrrry, my treatment is a bit long (365words), but it's based on a TRUE conversation I had with friends the very night we saw HUMP! 2008: Three dudes sitting around a kitchen table. Friends Ryan and Nate are explaining HUMP 2008 to Ryan’s naïve roommate David. Ryan and Nate jokingly explain the movies, that the gay movies were the best of the lot, then the conversation turns to buttsex. David hadn’t had it, Nate doesn’t like it, Ryan loves it. They spar a bit, then get to retelling their experiences. Nate goes first: Wayne's World doodeedoodeedoo flashback style, stop motion animation, and b&w. He’s in the bedroom with a girl and they get around to the buttsex, she’s doggie style and making a grunting unhappy “nn-nnoooo” noise, Nate gets alarmed and pulls out only to be thrown agains the back wall by a geyser of diarrhea. He falls dazedly forward with a Wile-E-Coyote poop outline on the wall. He sheepishly crawls over to her to ask if she’s okay to see her snoring on her belly. Flashback ends, Ryan and David feel sorry. Ryan counters by explaining (a la Dan Savage) that it depends on who you’re with and how long you’re willing to take, toss the salad first, whatever it takes. Ryan follows with his amazing buttsex story, again Wayne's World stop motion b&w flashback. In the bedroom with a girl, and they communicate through grunts and coos and whimpers that it’s buttsex time. After some butt licking and lubed up fingerin while kissing he takes her butt doggie style. After a few thrusts... we're back at the table Ryan is explaining how good she was... then cut between several butt sex positions and Ryan going “and then we” “and then she” then “you won’t believe what happened next." She throws Ryan on his back and straddles him and cut back to Ryan (“I don’t know how to explain this..."). Back to her spinning like a top, with legs straight out, levitating an inch or two off his crotch (shown from side view closeup) and both of them going out of their minds with pleasure—then closeups of both faces absolutely ecstatic. Back at the table there is silence. After a pause, David sez “I gotta try that.” Black screen with credits and big band music blaring (a la woody allen)

Thanks to all who entered... details about making a film for HUMP! can be found here. You can order tickets to see Humpday at the Harvard Exit this weekend here.

Earlier today I issued this challenge to Lynn Shelton...

The Stranger's annual amateur-and-locally-produced porn festival—HUMP!—inspired you to make the film that's making you famous. We're thrilled for you, of course, but it seems to us that you owe HUMP! some love. The genius that is Humpday is entirely your doing, of course, and all artistic credit goes to your and your remarkable cast. But... no HUMP!, no Humpday, am I right? So your friends at the Stranger are challenging you to make a film for HUMP! Nothing to onerous, nothing feature-length, nothing that forces your actors or the characters they're playing to take stock of their lives. Just something cute and sexy and funny and under five minutes. HUMP! gave you so much. Give somethin' back to HUMP!, Lynn.

Lynn responded to my challenge with one of her own...

Okay Dan, I'll make you a deal: I'll make a movie for HUMP! if you will drag your ass to one of the screenings of my feature this weekend (matinee, evening, any time you like) at the conveniently located Harvard Exit. With ten of your closest friends.

Seriously.

A) I really want to you to see my movie and then to find out what you think of it (the film would not exist without The Stranger... not just because of HUMP! but also because of the education that your paper has given me over the years on the sex positive, polyamorous not-so-sub-culture of this town, which plays a huge part in the film, not to mention all of the musings about sexual mores and sexual politics and the ridigity/fluidity of sexual boundaries that your column has given me cause to ponder over);

B) The more butts I can get into seats this opening weekend the more the likelihood that this film will open in some multiplex in Podunk, U.S.A. (which feeds into my evil plan to treat the crowd that thinks they're in for "The Hangover II" to the hangover cure: an anti-misogynistic, anti-homophobic bromantic comedy...)

Cheers (and thanks),

Lynn

You're on, Lynn. Unfortunately I can't see Humpday this weekend—prior out-of-town commitment—but that doesn't mean I can't get butts into seats: I'm buying ten tickets to the Friday night screening at Harvard Exit and giving them away on Slog on Friday. Stay tuned for details. And Sloggers & HUMPers: Do your part to get a HUMP submission out of Shelton and Shelton's Humpday into multiplexes in Podunk, U.S.A.: Go see Humpday this weekend at the Harvard Exit! And take ten friends! Do it for HUMP and for the kids in Podunk!