In this week's Last Days, I wrote about the passing of J.P. Patches, in an item that, I'm thrilled to report, features a quote from lifelong Patches Pal Grady West, AKA the man behind Dina Martina.

SUNDAY, JULY 22 In happier sad news, the week continues with J.P. Patches, the TV clown who entertained several generations of Northwest kids with his daily shows on KIRO 7, whose news department today had the sad duty to inform us that Chris Wedes, the man who created J.P. Patches, has died at age 84. "The JP Patches show was first broadcasted in black and white... in 1958, live from the 'city dump' where he served as mayor," reports KIRO. "The shows were spontaneous. Nothing was scripted. And if something went wrong on live television, they just rolled with it." The results were beloved and highly influential. In the words of Seattle performance artist/2012 Stranger Genius Award nominee Grady West (the man behind Dina Martina): "J.P. Patches was a huge part of my life, as he was for any kid raised in Seattle. Captain Kangaroo and all the others did their duty when it came to reading storybooks and teaching manners—J.P. was no different in that respect—but he and his girlfriend Gertrude were actually hilarious and the 'goofball' element was much more prominent on his show. Plus, you could always hear the crew totally losing it behind the cameras, which made you feel like you were really in on the joke. At the end of his morning show, he told you to go to school, and then he was on again in the afternoon to welcome you home from school. That's two live shows every weekday and one on Saturdays, not including countless personal appearances. Looking back, I realize he was one of the most consistent and positive things in my childhood. He was my idol."

I'm less thrilled to report that I effed up Grady's quote. As he wrote in the comments to the column:

I was/am totally honored to have been asked for my thoughts on J.P., however, I didn't refer to Gertrude as J.P.'s girlfriend. That would be like saying Lucy was Schroeder's girlfriend.

Grady's right, I shoved "his girlfriend" in there, as Gertrude hadn't been mentioned previously and I thought she needed a slight introduction—but of course there should be [brackets] around "his girlfriend" (which should actually be "his costar") and there are not. My apologies for the slovenliness, it has all been corrected online (and filed away for the 2012 Regrets issue).

How was it possible for me (being who I am and all of that) to read about Pitt and his fanatical mother and not think about this fanatical father and his famous son? There exists no power in the world that could have prevented me (being who I and all of that) from making this troubling association. That said, here is Pitt having some sexual healing on the big screen...

Now that we've all had nearly a week to watch, re-watch, and obsessively re-re-re-watch Todrick Hall's world-conquering YouTube masterwork Beauty and the BEAT!, I can narrow the focus to one of the video's brightest lights: Vonzell Solomon, a former American Idol contestant who delivers shitloads of hardcore funny throughout Beauty and the BEAT! (Greatest moments: What she does with her elbows beginning at 2:48, and the entirety of her performance from 4:10-4:11.)

And here she is doing what she does when she's not killing the world with hilariously expressive elbow movement, from season 4 of American Idol.

Happy 50th birthday, Tom Cruise! Keep running, little guy. You're doing just great!

And here's to another great year. Looks like it's going to be full of surprises!

...but because it's a little Ryan Gosling singing a cover of Michael Bolton's cover of "When a Man Loves a Woman" and dancing to C+C Music Factory in a Mormon kid's talent show, it's somehow even more adorable.

As a straight man, I should hate Ryan Gosling. But I can't. I just can't! (Sob.)

(Via Devour.)

• Derek Erdman
• He Would Die 4 U

Alas, Prince Rogers Nelson's career starting going downhill because he doesn't have a quality control button. I'll tell you right now that his best record is called Around The World in a Day. I'm allowed to say this because I'm writing this. You can disagree in the comments, but I am right.

We cordially invite you to click on this weblink and read the entire entry if you wish to do so.

"I shit you not —I know a guy who was working as a masseur at a New Orleans hotel and had to end a massage early after Travolta made a pass at him," reports my friend Jason. "This is apparently not the most battlefield earthshattering news, but there it is."

There's a NEW lawsuit alleging John Travolta sexually harassed a masseur! From Radar.com:

A second accuser — another male masseur — filed a $2 million sexual battery lawsuit against John Travolta Tuesday morning and claims to have "substantial documentation and numerous witnesses regarding the substance of Travolta's actions," according to the docs, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

The unidentified male masseur is being repped by the same attorney who filed the initial sexual battery lawsuit against the Oscar nominated actor. According to the lawsuit, which was filed Tuesday morning in Federal Court in Los Angeles, the second victim alleges that while working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, Georgia on January 28, 2012, he did an in-room massage on Travolta. The Plaintiff doesn't normally do in-room massages and asked a co-worker to take the assignment, but he declined because "Travolta has been banned from a spa that the coworker used to work at in Los Angeles."

On the morning of the massage Travolta had "a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table...Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat...Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of "Glutes" work meaning a massage on his buttocks...While he was massaging near Travolta's buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus."

Tales of Travolta's steam room wanks have been part of West Coast gay lore for decades, making both lawsuits oddly plausible. Travolta's Scientologist lawyers will fight this to the death, because if the world already knows that John Travolta is gay or bisexual, the organization will have nothing to hold over his head to prevent him from defecting. DO IT, TRAVOLTA. COME OUT. Not just as gay/bi, but as an eyewitness to Scientology's awful shenanigans.

Details come from TMZ (sorry):

The suit claims Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur's leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis. The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a "reverse massage," adding, "Come on dude, I'll jerk you off!!!"

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was "due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his 'Welcome Back Kotter' days," adding "Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity."

Full skeezy report here!

by Bree McKenna!

In the last 24 hours: Johnny Depp played guitar for Marilyn Manson and Francis Bean responded to her mom's latest crazy claims.

I'm so glad I'm not famous. Look at this shit you have to do and/or put up with.