This is Tammie Gifford.
Tammie cuts my hair. She's been cutting my hair for 15 years now. And Tammie Gifford is not an elderly Korean lady. Obviously, right? And Tammie speaks English perfectly. Now why would anyone think Tammie is an elderly Korean lady who speaks very little English? Now that's a funny story—a story that involves a slightly misanthropic Seattle-based, nationally syndicated advice columnist, a hair salon on Third Avenue in downtown Seattle, a chance walk-in haircut a decade and a half ago, two copies of People Magazine, and 30 minutes of blessed silence.
Tammie recently made the move up to Capitol Hill after working for nearly 20 years at that salon in Seattle's business district. She's cutting hair at Emerson Salon on Pike these days. Some of her downtown clients were office workers who can't make the trek up the hill and so Tammie is working to rebuild her client base. So, hey, if you're between hairdressers right now and you're looking for someone to cut your hair—your male hair or your female hair—give Tammie a try. She's great. You can make an appointment to see her by calling 206-323-7437.
Added bonus: If you make an appointment to see Tammie, she'll tell why some people think she's an elderly Korean lady who speaks very little English. It's a funny story.
The Capitol Hill Block Party has begun! The gates are open and the first bands, Radiation City and Stickers, go on at 4 pm on the Main Stage and the Vera Stage, respectively. Read all about every artist playing the festival here.
Friday tickets have SOLD OUT online, but there may be a few limited tickets available at the gate. Get there quick! Saturday and Sunday tickets are still available online, but they're going fast. You've been warned.
We'll be running around like mad to cover all the music, the parties, and the puke all weekend on Line Out! And, new this year, we have a live Twitter feed of all the Stranger writers who are at the Block Party, too.
Here we go! It's gonna be awesome.
The internet is FREAKING OUT about the fact that Justin Bieber barfed on stage this weekend, but he isn't the first performer to do that. Eminem did it on purpose, as part of his show (with sound effects, not actual vomit). Blessthefall's singer puked on his fans, this kid puked on his peers, singer of the hardcore band the Carrier puked at a show in Philly and kept playing. Hey, it happens!
So, of course, it begs the question: Who has the best barf? Watch the clips (so long as you don't have a weak stomach) and vote for your favorite upchuck on Line Out!
Tonight at 7:00 pm at Town Hall, the Cannabis Defense Coalition is hosting a lively debate on Initiative 502, the marijuana legalization measure that, if approved by voters this November, would license, tax, and regulate marijuana sales in Washington while allowing to keep up to an ounce of weed in their possession.
Alison Holcomb will be arguing the pro-tax-and-regulate perspective on behalf of New Approach Washington. Taking the con side will be John Toker, a spokesman for Sensible Washington, which would rather see marijuana legalized outright in lieu of being taxed and regulated.
I know: Friday night debates are terrible. What's worse, the Seattle Channel is not live streaming the event, so you can't watch it in a bar or in the comfort of your hot-boxed car. But if you're confused about the impacts and implications of I-502, or if you're on the fence about how to vote, or if you simply have nothing better to do, show up. They'd love to have you.
The debate will be moderated by Seattle City Council member Nick Licata.
Four-term goat advocate and Madrona resident Richard Conlin makes over $100,000 a year. But on our many recent trips to City Hall's second floor, the council member wasn't in his office. Even his staff seemed to be missing most of the time. Perhaps Conlin's accomplishment-packed days of busily carrying water for downtown business lobbyists, fomenting petty fights with the mayor, and expediting new state highways while scotching local transit projects were behind him. What happened to that spunky greenwashing Conlin who legalized backyard goats and taught us how to love chickens?
After putting out the call on Tuesday—has anyone seen a Richard Dreyfus lookalike from Madame Tussauds?—nobody seemed to know where he'd been.
Who will speak for the freeways? How will the underdogs at the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce find a voice without the booming chords of Conlin? That transit master plan isn't going to freeze its own funding, you know.
Some had spotted Conlin on Tuesday at the 43rd District Democrats meeting politicking—not quite passing bills, but a good sign.
So we called Conlin's office yesterday afternoon to speak with his voicemail when a woman unexpectedly answered the phone, said Conlin was in his office—his vital signs were strong—and that she would put us through. Conlin, it turns out, isn't dead at all. He explained that, now that it's late March, the City Council is just getting going on its work for the New Year and he wanted to talk about it.
Justin Bieber called for a senator to be arrested on live radio yesterday:
On a radio show, the tween pop sensation called out Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), who’s sponsoring legislation to make it a felony to profit from streaming unlicensed content online, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports.
“That guy needs to be locked up,” Bieber said after hearing about the bill, apparently not immediately remembering Amy is generally a woman’s name. “Whoever she is, she needs to know that I’m saying she needs to be locked up, put away in cuffs.”
I never thought I'd write this, but: I agree with Bieber. Not that Senator Klobuchar needs to be arrested, but the Stop Online Piracy Act—which can make streaming of unauthorized copyrighted content punishable with up to five years in prison—is total bullshit. This Free Bieber site is taking advantage of the glow of celebrity attention. If you want to know more about why you should care about stopping the Stop Online Piracy Act, you should read this post. This is important.
Ain't love grand? Congrats you two. All of your friends & frenemies at Slog wish you many, many more happy years together.
We're having an editorial meeting for two hours, which means there will be no posting on Slog until 11. See you then! Do you think there's something we should be discussing at this meeting? Put it in the comments!
In the meantime, if you're looking for something to do, here are some lesbian sex tips, including good advice for masturbators of all genders and orientations:
How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Are a Lady Having Sex with a Lady)
Masturbate. A lot. Try different positions, different toys, different orifices (and beyond). Try for different types of orgasms—don't just go for a direct hit (unless you only have five minutes in a public bathroom). Indulge yourself; foreplay isn't just for when other people are around. Play with your fantasies, kinks, and desires. Read up on female sexuality and erotica. Confidence is key when it comes to sex—and the more you try out, the more you will know what works for you and the less timid you'll be about your own and other people's bodies. Plus, that post-orgasm glow looks really good on you.
Communicate. A lot. Everyone's bodies (and brains) are different, even when you are working with similar parts. Rid yourself of preconceived notions about what ladies do with lady parts. You don't have to be romantic and slow. Don't be afraid to fuck. Ask for and take what you want (remembering to make sure everyone involved is on board, of course). Embrace the fluidity that female sexuality has to offer, and play with all the tools you were given and the ones you've bought.
Your hands are your primary tools, so get ready to get arm-deep. Keep your nails trimmed, get latex/latex-free gloves, and lube. With patience and lots of talking you can look forward to fisting, G-spot orgasms, and ejaculating. Strap-ons can also be powerful and exciting. Psychic dick is an amazing thing to experience—so if you are game, it's worth investing in. (Any previously acquired cock-sucking skills can still come in handy when working with silicone.) And don't neglect your classic oral-sex techniques. Three 6 Mafia and the rest of us would rather get some head, and you have the advantage on giving a lady what she really wants.
Let's say you were to receive a foot rub from Justin Bieber, as his current girlfriend Selena Gomez is getting in the photo below.
You might be inclined to say, "Thank you, Justin Bieber, for the foot rub. I'm certainly glad your fans are a loving, understanding lot."
BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Find out what Justin Bieber fans did say about this pic after the jump. (WARNING: It ain't pretty.)
It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)
This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.
Here is a human resources complaint sent by a co-worker of David Thorne—one of the greatest troll artists working today—after David photoshopped Justin Bieber's face all over the co-workers personal photos.
Here is a snippet of the email exchange after the co-worker discovered the doctored photos:
From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad? I was going to use them for something.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.
BIEBER BEAT!! People often speculate what Justin Bieber may be like when he turns 30—and now? There may be a movie to answer that very question! From the LA Times.
Bieber is eyeing a lead role in the comedy “What Would Kenny Do?” according to a person who was briefed on the project but was not authorized to speak about it publicly. The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said.
What… the… SHIT?!?
Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school.
I'm pretty sure that if I needed someone to guide me through high school, it wouldn't be Ashton Kutcher. (My first instinct is to go with Kelly LeBrock.)
BEIBER BEAT!! In other critical Bieber news, remember how Beebles cut his hair for charity, which was then purchased for $40,000? That very same hair is currently ON A NATIONWIDE TOUR (I swear to god I'm not kidding) in a glass case (under constant supervision from TWO bodyguards), where anyone who donates money to the Japanese relief fund can have their picture taken with it! In a related story: THAT'S FUCKED!
BIEBER BEAT!! Washed-up salvia huffer and one of the most terrible people in the world Miley Cyrus pissed on both Justin Bieber and Rebecca "Friday" Black in a recent interview saying that kids these days? They got it tooooooo easy!
"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," she told Australia's Daily Telegraph.
Justin offers his own advice for Miley after the jump.
What do you get when you cross teenybop music with teabagger politics? Turn your eyes to Line Out and dig the vacuum.
Well, the unauthorized Justin Bieber comic book is finally out, and for those of you who would rather spend $4 on a 22 page poorly drawn biography instead of $10 on the wholly awesome Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in Buttfucking 3-D—then have at it. Comics Alliance has a very funny/scathing review of this piece of shit, which includes this panel and commentary:
That would appear to be Mrs. Justin Bieber's Mom, naked save for a bedsheet, cuddling her baby, who has a surprisingly full set of teeth. Also, there is a sailboat painting involved.
Read all of it (and see even more freaky panels) here!
Check out das Beebs AH-MAY-ZING commentary in this week's issue of The Onion on the subject of fame, existentialism, and this "infinitesimal speck of humanity." Here's a taste of his editorial aptly entitled, "Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time."
Ask yourself: What then will all your hyperbolic reverence or vitriolic bile even mean? To what do your hours spent online fawning over or vilifying me because of my Grammy performance amount when compared to a recent scientific finding that, as the Pacific and North American tectonic plates collide, the mountains north of Los Angeles will, over the next 100 million years, grow to peaks higher than the Himalayas, only to be eroded down to pebbles by millennia of wind and rain?
I suppose we've come to the point where we should just plainly state the ugly truth of all this: If you expend any energy at all either obsessively doting on me or hating me with the very fiber of your being, then I'm sad to say you are squandering your brief window as a cognizant being in this universe.
EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OH SWEET GOD, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!! (Read the whole thing here.) In a related story...
THE NEW JUSTIN BIEBER WAX FIGURE HAS BEEN REVEALED!!!!
.....after the jump.
Finally! Justin Bieber has his own Johnny Cash moment! (Now can he be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame??)
BEEBS UPDATE! (So I don't have to torture you with an entirely new post.) A lock of Justin Bieber's hair has been sold on eBay for over $40 K. Does it make you feel any better that it was for charity?
Guys! Justin Bieber was videotaped kissing Selena Gomez after the Oscars! EWWW!! WATCH THEM KISS!!
EWWWW!!! Totes gah-ross! Time for me to fire off some cruel, but appropriate tweets!
Selena Gomez why don't you die in a hole you dead hag! #buriedalive@JustinBieber's lips have the syphilis! Die, Selena, die! Preferably in a hole!
I have dug two holes: one for @JustinBieber's lips, one for Selena Gomez—TO DIE IN!!!
Not only does the Beebs have a new haircut, now he's got his own leprechaun. Goddamn lucky bastard. (Though truthfully, it does explain a lot.)
Did you catch that almost indecipherable blink-and-you'd-miss-it Justin Bieber commercial during yesterday's Super Bowl? I HATED IT, YO! Mostly because they were trying to cram WAY too much into a 30 second spot. Here's the far more understandable minute-long version.
Oh, and that weirdo pervert at the end? That's Bieber himself in a clever (but kinda disturbingly creepy) disguise!
Oh, and while I've got your attention: MORE BIEBER NEWS!!!
· Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? IT'S ON! (Numerous Selena Gomez Assassination Attempts? Also, ON!)
· Only until the premiere of Never Say Never in Buttfucking 3-buttfucking-D, Buttfuckers! (Get your camping gear in order!)
In his continuing press juggernaut to promote his new movie Never Say Never—in 3D, Buttfuckers!!!—Justin Bieber stopped by The Daily Show yesterday to switch bodies with Jon Stewart. Unfortunately Stewart returns WAY too quickly to retrieve his body, and naturally the show went quickly downhill after that. It was awesome while it lasted, though! Watch.
If you're like me, you're pissed as hell that Justin Bieber isn't on TV every week (or every day of every week for that matter)—but ALL THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE. (At least in regards to next week.)
Bieber will appear on [David] Letterman's show not once but twice next week. On Monday, Jan. 31, he'll be a guest. And sing. And on Friday, Feb. 4, he'll deliver the Top 10 list.
See?!? I'm not the only fogey who loves Das Beeb! And don't forget:
Letterman's network, CBS, will telecast the annual Grammy awards show on Sunday, Feb. 13, and Bieber is scheduled to perform with Usher and Jaden Smith. [And] the teen will reprise his role as a murderer on the Thursday, Feb. 17, episode of "CSI."
AND!!! Don't miss (though I'm sure you will) Beebles appearance on this Sunday's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC, 8 pm). Here's a preview clip in which the subject of the makeover could be a little more fucking excited, if you ask me. (Also: I appreciate that you're being generous and all, but... ugly vest, Justin.)
Get ready to buy your tickets to L.A.—Justin Bieber is planning on opening up a store in posh outdoor shopping center The Grove! From LA Weekly:
The main draw at the Bieber store, said to be opening later this year... is Justin Bieber-branded lollipops. Because what you really want is to have your not-yet-teenage daughter furiously licking a likeness of her favorite pop star.
As recently reported, the rumor du jour is that das Beebs is getting freak nasty with slightly older teen Disney star Selena Gomez. Here is an extremely alarming (at least to Selena's parents) related story from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:
Selena, 18, was recently photographed getting cozy with 16 year-old Justin in Miami and kissing him aboard a yacht off St. Lucia. The purity ring that she’s worn for six years - a symbol of her pledge to remain pure and celibate until marriage - was nowhere in sight.
“When the ring came off, Selena’s parents became unglued,” a family friend told The Enquirer.
Sure, I'll admit that his later singles aren't as strong as his early ones... and yeah, his so-called professed Christianity is boring and annoying. But c'mon, foreign cat! Justin Bieber isn't all that bad!
NOBODY PANIC!!! In the appropriately titled article "Badass Bieber"—stop laughing, you guys—The Sun reveals that Justin Bieber's totes attractive shiner is actually just MAKEUP. And not the kind he sometimes wears. This is makeup for his television return to CSI, where he reprises his role as troubled teen Jason McCann—and if he doesn't get an Emmy for this one, there is no god. (What's that? There already isn't a god? Oh. Then in that case, if he doesn't win an Emmy, there's no such thing as hot dogs.) READ MORE HERE!
Big hat tips to tipper Evanne who passed on this hilarious tidbit about a possible upcoming New Yorker cover featuring a cubist Justin Bieber! EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Wait. No. EWWWWW!!! Wait. No, I was right the first time. EEEEEEEEEE!!! (I gotta get this on a t-shirt!)
Also! Rumors of a Glee "Bieber-themed" episode are a bunch of malarkey, though the show will feature a Beebs song in episode 13, which I'm sure they will promptly ruin, because that's all Glee does these days—ruin things.
NOW will you people stop accusing me of being obsessed? (On second thought, this isn't exactly a strong defense—especially when I have him tattooed on my bottom. SO NEVER MIND!)
If you're eating oatmeal right now, prepare to have a computer screen covered with oatmeal! BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY GONNA SNORK IT AFTER SEEING JUSTIN BIEBER'S VANITY FAIR PHOTO SHOOT!!
More after the jump!
I wrote a fan letter to Das Beebs on my arm with strawberry jam. Totally LOL!