The internet is FREAKING OUT about the fact that Justin Bieber barfed on stage this weekend, but he isn't the first performer to do that. Eminem did it on purpose, as part of his show (with sound effects, not actual vomit). Blessthefall's singer puked on his fans, this kid puked on his peers, singer of the hardcore band the Carrier puked at a show in Philly and kept playing. Hey, it happens!

So, of course, it begs the question: Who has the best barf? Watch the clips (so long as you don't have a weak stomach) and vote for your favorite upchuck on Line Out!

Four-term goat advocate and Madrona resident Richard Conlin makes over $100,000 a year. But on our many recent trips to City Hall's second floor, the council member wasn't in his office. Even his staff seemed to be missing most of the time. Perhaps Conlin's accomplishment-packed days of busily carrying water for downtown business lobbyists, fomenting petty fights with the mayor, and expediting new state highways while scotching local transit projects were behind him. What happened to that spunky greenwashing Conlin who legalized backyard goats and taught us how to love chickens?

After putting out the call on Tuesday—has anyone seen a Richard Dreyfus lookalike from Madame Tussauds?—nobody seemed to know where he'd been.

Who will speak for the freeways? How will the underdogs at the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce find a voice without the booming chords of Conlin? That transit master plan isn't going to freeze its own funding, you know.

Some had spotted Conlin on Tuesday at the 43rd District Democrats meeting politicking—not quite passing bills, but a good sign.

So we called Conlin's office yesterday afternoon to speak with his voicemail when a woman unexpectedly answered the phone, said Conlin was in his office—his vital signs were strong—and that she would put us through. Conlin, it turns out, isn't dead at all. He explained that, now that it's late March, the City Council is just getting going on its work for the New Year and he wanted to talk about it.

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An argument has started!

Let's say you were to receive a foot rub from Justin Bieber, as his current girlfriend Selena Gomez is getting in the photo below.

• Via "I Slept with Cody Simpson"

You might be inclined to say, "Thank you, Justin Bieber, for the foot rub. I'm certainly glad your fans are a loving, understanding lot."

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Find out what Justin Bieber fans did say about this pic after the jump. (WARNING: It ain't pretty.)

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It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)

This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.

Here is a human resources complaint sent by a co-worker of David Thorne—one of the greatest troll artists working today—after David photoshopped Justin Bieber's face all over the co-workers personal photos.

Here is a snippet of the email exchange after the co-worker discovered the doctored photos:

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad? I was going to use them for something.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.

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BIEBER BEAT!! People often speculate what Justin Bieber may be like when he turns 30—and now? There may be a movie to answer that very question! From the LA Times.

Bieber is eyeing a lead role in the comedy “What Would Kenny Do?” according to a person who was briefed on the project but was not authorized to speak about it publicly. The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said.

What… the… SHIT?!?

Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school.

I'm pretty sure that if I needed someone to guide me through high school, it wouldn't be Ashton Kutcher. (My first instinct is to go with Kelly LeBrock.)

BEIBER BEAT!! In other critical Bieber news, remember how Beebles cut his hair for charity, which was then purchased for $40,000? That very same hair is currently ON A NATIONWIDE TOUR (I swear to god I'm not kidding) in a glass case (under constant supervision from TWO bodyguards), where anyone who donates money to the Japanese relief fund can have their picture taken with it! In a related story: THAT'S FUCKED!

BIEBER BEAT!! Washed-up salvia huffer and one of the most terrible people in the world Miley Cyrus pissed on both Justin Bieber and Rebecca "Friday" Black in a recent interview saying that kids these days? They got it tooooooo easy!

"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," she told Australia's Daily Telegraph.

Justin offers his own advice for Miley after the jump.

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Well, the unauthorized Justin Bieber comic book is finally out, and for those of you who would rather spend $4 on a 22 page poorly drawn biography instead of $10 on the wholly awesome Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in Buttfucking 3-D—then have at it. Comics Alliance has a very funny/scathing review of this piece of shit, which includes this panel and commentary:

That would appear to be Mrs. Justin Bieber's Mom, naked save for a bedsheet, cuddling her baby, who has a surprisingly full set of teeth. Also, there is a sailboat painting involved.

Read all of it (and see even more freaky panels) here!

Check out das Beebs AH-MAY-ZING commentary in this week's issue of The Onion on the subject of fame, existentialism, and this "infinitesimal speck of humanity." Here's a taste of his editorial aptly entitled, "Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time."

Ask yourself: What then will all your hyperbolic reverence or vitriolic bile even mean? To what do your hours spent online fawning over or vilifying me because of my Grammy performance amount when compared to a recent scientific finding that, as the Pacific and North American tectonic plates collide, the mountains north of Los Angeles will, over the next 100 million years, grow to peaks higher than the Himalayas, only to be eroded down to pebbles by millennia of wind and rain?
...
I suppose we've come to the point where we should just plainly state the ugly truth of all this: If you expend any energy at all either obsessively doting on me or hating me with the very fiber of your being, then I'm sad to say you are squandering your brief window as a cognizant being in this universe.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OH SWEET GOD, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!! (Read the whole thing here.) In a related story...
THE NEW JUSTIN BIEBER WAX FIGURE HAS BEEN REVEALED!!!!

.....after the jump.

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• via Pacific Coast News

Finally! Justin Bieber has his own Johnny Cash moment! (Now can he be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame??)

BEEBS UPDATE! (So I don't have to torture you with an entirely new post.) A lock of Justin Bieber's hair has been sold on eBay for over $40 K. Does it make you feel any better that it was for charity?

Guys! Justin Bieber was videotaped kissing Selena Gomez after the Oscars! EWWW!! WATCH THEM KISS!!

EWWWW!!! Totes gah-ross! Time for me to fire off some cruel, but appropriate tweets!

Selena Gomez why don't you die in a hole you dead hag! #buriedalive@JustinBieber's lips have the syphilis! Die, Selena, die! Preferably in a hole!

I have dug two holes: one for @JustinBieber's lips, one for Selena Gomez—TO DIE IN!!!

Not only does the Beebs have a new haircut, now he's got his own leprechaun. Goddamn lucky bastard. (Though truthfully, it does explain a lot.)

Did you catch that almost indecipherable blink-and-you'd-miss-it Justin Bieber commercial during yesterday's Super Bowl? I HATED IT, YO! Mostly because they were trying to cram WAY too much into a 30 second spot. Here's the far more understandable minute-long version.

Oh, and that weirdo pervert at the end? That's Bieber himself in a clever (but kinda disturbingly creepy) disguise!

• via US magazine

Oh, and while I've got your attention: MORE BIEBER NEWS!!!

· Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? IT'S ON! (Numerous Selena Gomez Assassination Attempts? Also, ON!)

· Only FOUR DAYS until the premiere of Never Say Never in Buttfucking 3-buttfucking-D, Buttfuckers! (Get your camping gear in order!)

In his continuing press juggernaut to promote his new movie Never Say Never—in 3D, Buttfuckers!!!—Justin Bieber stopped by The Daily Show yesterday to switch bodies with Jon Stewart. Unfortunately Stewart returns WAY too quickly to retrieve his body, and naturally the show went quickly downhill after that. It was awesome while it lasted, though! Watch.

If you're like me, you're pissed as hell that Justin Bieber isn't on TV every week (or every day of every week for that matter)—but ALL THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE. (At least in regards to next week.)

Bieber will appear on [David] Letterman's show not once but twice next week. On Monday, Jan. 31, he'll be a guest. And sing. And on Friday, Feb. 4, he'll deliver the Top 10 list.

See?!? I'm not the only fogey who loves Das Beeb! And don't forget:

Letterman's network, CBS, will telecast the annual Grammy awards show on Sunday, Feb. 13, and Bieber is scheduled to perform with Usher and Jaden Smith. [And] the teen will reprise his role as a murderer on the Thursday, Feb. 17, episode of "CSI."

AND!!! Don't miss (though I'm sure you will) Beebles appearance on this Sunday's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC, 8 pm). Here's a preview clip in which the subject of the makeover could be a little more fucking excited, if you ask me. (Also: I appreciate that you're being generous and all, but... ugly vest, Justin.)

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Get ready to buy your tickets to L.A.—Justin Bieber is planning on opening up a store in posh outdoor shopping center The Grove! From LA Weekly:

The main draw at the Bieber store, said to be opening later this year... is Justin Bieber-branded lollipops. Because what you really want is to have your not-yet-teenage daughter furiously licking a likeness of her favorite pop star.

As recently reported, the rumor du jour is that das Beebs is getting freak nasty with slightly older teen Disney star Selena Gomez. Here is an extremely alarming (at least to Selena's parents) related story from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Selena, 18, was recently photographed getting cozy with 16 year-old Justin in Miami and kissing him aboard a yacht off St. Lucia. The purity ring that she’s worn for six years - a symbol of her pledge to remain pure and celibate until marriage - was nowhere in sight.

“When the ring came off, Selena’s parents became unglued,” a family friend told The Enquirer.

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Sure, I'll admit that his later singles aren't as strong as his early ones... and yeah, his so-called professed Christianity is boring and annoying. But c'mon, foreign cat! Justin Bieber isn't all that bad!

• via The Sun

NOBODY PANIC!!! In the appropriately titled article "Badass Bieber"—stop laughing, you guys—The Sun reveals that Justin Bieber's totes attractive shiner is actually just MAKEUP. And not the kind he sometimes wears. This is makeup for his television return to CSI, where he reprises his role as troubled teen Jason McCann—and if he doesn't get an Emmy for this one, there is no god. (What's that? There already isn't a god? Oh. Then in that case, if he doesn't win an Emmy, there's no such thing as hot dogs.) READ MORE HERE!

Big hat tips to tipper Evanne who passed on this hilarious tidbit about a possible upcoming New Yorker cover featuring a cubist Justin Bieber! EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Wait. No. EWWWWW!!! Wait. No, I was right the first time. EEEEEEEEEE!!! (I gotta get this on a t-shirt!)

• via Vanity Fair

Also! Rumors of a Glee "Bieber-themed" episode are a bunch of malarkey, though the show will feature a Beebs song in episode 13, which I'm sure they will promptly ruin, because that's all Glee does these days—ruin things.

NOW will you people stop accusing me of being obsessed? (On second thought, this isn't exactly a strong defense—especially when I have him tattooed on my bottom. SO NEVER MIND!)

If you're eating oatmeal right now, prepare to have a computer screen covered with oatmeal! BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY GONNA SNORK IT AFTER SEEING JUSTIN BIEBER'S VANITY FAIR PHOTO SHOOT!!

• "There's an 80 percent chance I have herpes now!"

More after the jump!

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I wrote a fan letter to Das Beebs on my arm with strawberry jam. Totally LOL!
via

Remember this?

Well, this was because of THIS!

BUT OF COURSE IT WAS. Here's the story from the Baltimore Sun:

[Director John Waters and Justin Bieber] shared the sofa last week as guests on Britain's "The Graham Norton Show." Bieber was there being a heartthrob, while Waters promoted his book "Role Models."

Not long after the shrieking died down from Bieber's introduction, the 16-year-old asked if he could say something. He leaned across to Waters' end of the couch and pronounced as only a teen could: "Your 'stache is the jam."

"Thank you. Thank you very much," Waters replied, a big smile on his face. He then pulled an eyebrow pencil from his pocket and handed it down to Bieber, saying, "If you want to try it…. Can I draw it on you?"

Bieber took the pen but declined Waters' offer of artistry. "I'm good," he demurred. "Maybe later."

Sure enough, as soon as the show ended, Bieber drew on a version of the mustache.

First Justin Bieber switches hairstyles—now he's sporting a pedo-stache??

Okay, nobody panic! According to the Daily Mail, Das Beebs drew his pedo-stache on with a marker while having fun at a restaurant in England—but you have to admit he looks totally David Niven-ish, doesn't he? Anyway, fake or not, the way I see it? If Justin Bieber gets a new hairstyle and mustache, then WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY GETS A NEW HAIRSTYLE AND MUSTACHE!
Check it out after the jump!

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