I'm home and listening to opera. While listening I was contemplating some issues my wife and I discussed recently. We are both bi and have been together 11 years. What came up was penis size and essentially tight clothing. When I wear tight jeans my cock is obviously showing, even when completely soft. Imagine The Stones' "Sticky fingers" album cover, just bigger. We both know this and enjoy the attention I get. What this discussion brought up was my reluctance to go to strip clubs because when I get aroused my cock seems to grab everyone's attention. This seems great but I don't want to freak out the dancers or other customers. I know visible turgidity isn’t an issue legally, but honestly, I'm at the strip club to enjoy the dancers and I don’t want to distract attention away from them. That's really it.

Totally Bi Dude

My response to TBD's grumblebrag—plus a few bonus questions—after the jump...

Inducing boners is the reason strip clubs exist, if I’m not mistaken, so I don’t think you and your boner are violating the social contract. But if you’re sincerely concerned about your dick pulling focus—if this isn’t a grumblebrag ("Woe is me and my big dick!")—wear a kilt or untuck your shirt or do like the high school boys do (or used to do) and carry a biology textbook around in front of your crotch. A large, front-slung fanny pack should only be used as a last resort.

I'm a believer in your general ethos here but am also pretty Puritanical when it comes down to it, in that while I love sex and consider myself pretty sexual, I'm not great at expressing myself directly about my desires and curiosities. I'm pretty vanilla. For the most part this hasn't been a problem—I just like to fuck, and shifting my body or giving general cues on what is hitting the spot has been sufficient in the past. But now I'm in love, great guy, we live together, all's well, etc., but the boredom that eventually comes to all LTRs is hitting our sex life. I want to try a few things (light role-play, get him more into dirty texting, exhibitionism) but have NO idea how to bring this up with him even though I have no doubt he'd be GGG for whatever. He can be a bit dense when it comes to communication, and I can be subtle to the point of passive. I'm hoping you can help me find the right words that won't feel out-of-character aggressive but that will be effective.

Helping A Pensive Person’s Yearnings

Text your BF a link to today’s SLLOTDs, tell him one of the letters is from you, and ask him to guess which. Enclose a pic of your tits if you don’t want to be mistaken for one of the other LWs.

Long time reader here. I'm an engaged 20-something man who, with the help of your column, has learned to embrace my attraction to trans women—but only during masturbation. I have never brought this up with my soon-to-be wife. Her family history includes her parents’ divorce when her dad came out of the closet when she was young, and I'm afraid she might regard this info about me as a red flag. I have no intention of acting on these fantasies, and would rather not bring up masturbating to other people at all, but I feel I need to disclose this before we are married so it doesn't come up as a surprise later. Do you have any tips on telling someone you love about a fantasy they can't fulfill without hurting them? Do I need to tell her at all?

Sent From The Savage Love App for iPhone

Not every fantasy has to be disclosed to our intendeds, SFTSLAFiP, particularly those we have no intention of acting on. But if you're a regular consumer of porn featuring trans women... sooner or later your wife will stumble over the evidence. You're in a better position to judge whether getting it in front of the issue (by disclosing now) is a better course of action then waiting until after you get caught to discuss it. But with word slowly getting around that an interest in trans women is a straight dude thing, not a closeted gay dude thing, the extra time you buy yourself by waiting may wind up saving your skin.

I am a Stuyvesant ninth grader writing a research paper on why people act different around their crush. As a part of the assignment, I need to conduct an interview with an expert in the field. I know that you have a lot of knowledge on love and human attraction from your advice column. I would love to interview you! If possible, I'd love to meet you in person and can travel to your place or another convenient location if you are in New York City. My final deadline for the interview is April 22.

A.P. at Stuyvesant High

I'm not in New York City, APAS, and I don't have plans to be before your deadline. But here's a little something I just pulled out of my ass: We act differently around our crushes—our behavior changes—because we scrutinize ourselves more closely when in the presence of someone we hope to see naked. Since doing or saying the wrong thing could deprive us of the opportunity to see that person naked, we start second-guessing every gesture, every statement, every glance, every boner. Basically it's the "observer effect," aka the "Hawthorne effect," but in this instance the observer and the observed are one in the same person.

That's my theory, APAS, but like I said... I just pulled that out of my ass. My readers will doubtless have theories (and asses) of their own and their theories (and their asses) might be better than mine. So be sure to keep an eye on the comment thread.