Kelseys fake panic attack feat. unnecessary oxygen mask.
  • Kelsey's fake panic attack feat. unnecessary oxygen mask.

Last week's episode of The Bachelor ended with NO rose ceremony, NO cocktail party, and a "panic attack." Episode 6 picks up right where we left off, with the suspicious-as-fuck widow Kelsey sobbing and wheezing into an oxygen mask while a medical-type person asks her if they need to call 9-1-1 or if she's in pain. She's not in pain, she just needs to see Chris, and she tells the person checking her vital signs that she's "gonna get a rose for this, ha-ha-ha." Chris helps her up and keeps telling her how great she looks, and just like that, Kelsey is completely normal again. She flounces into the room where the other women have been waiting for an hour, and laughs about the incident. "Is it just me, or did I get dressed up for nothin'? I mean, these puppies don't come out every day [jiggles boobs]." The other women are horrified, because Kelsey is horrifying.

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It's time for the rose ceremony that should have happened last episode: The two sent home are immature mom Mackenzie and someone named Samantha who has never talked to Chris or the camera before. Since Chris doesn't have the inside scoop on how creepy Kelsey is, she's given a rose. Playing the widow/fake-panic-attack card totally worked! Everyone is bummed, but Kaitlyn sums it up pretty well: "I wanted to just punch her in the teeth-holder. It's not about your sad story anymore, it's about being a shitty human being."

So what else happened?

CHRIS'S REAL LAUGH IS EXPOSED

Becca the chill virgin finally went on a snoozy one-on-one with Chris where they rode horses. The only interesting thing that happened was at the end of the date when Becca made Chris laugh his real, genuine laugh, which sounds like a high-pitched McConaughey giggle. He giggled and giggled and it was actually kind of adorable. (OMG, AM I GETTING STOCKHOLMED?)

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BIG & RICH SHOW UP

The group date is in Deadwood, South Dakota, and it's all about music (Chris stressed that country music is a big part of his life). The girls are going to need to write a song and then perform it, with the help of... Big & Rich! That over-the-top country duo that look like Pickup Artist casualties! As the music editor, it's my duty to tell you that these songs and performances were simply terrible, except for maybe Carly's (she is, after all, a cruise-ship singer). Oh, and Kaitlyn's, um, hilarious rap. But Chris was giddy in front of B&R and almost started crying during each song, so maybe you just had to be there?

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CHRIS IS HOT FOR BRITT, WHICH THE OTHER WOMEN FIND "HUMILIATING"

Chris wants to do it with Britt, so they ditch the other girls and run away to a Big & Rich show together. Britt gets to make out with him/accept a rose from him on the stage, and the other girls (who have, again, been sitting in a room together for an hour, waiting) are sad and keep throwing around the word "humiliated." Even Kaitlyn cried, and she never does that because she's the best. They shouldn't be too sad though, as they avoided having to see the icky brown-velvet top hat that either Big or Rich (I'm not going to search for which one is which) wore (with a sleeveless shirt) during the show. Chris feels bad that the girls feel bad, but he decides there's nothing he can say, and goes to bed.

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TWO-ON-ONE NIGHTMARE DATE TO MOUNT RUSHMORE

Ashley I., the virgin/Kardashian fake-eyelash enthusiast is paired with Kelsey, the black widow sociopath, for the two-on-one date with Chris. A two-on-one is stressful because one person HAS to be eliminated at the end. The three helicopter over Mount Rushmore, with Kelsey excitedly naming off the presidents like a 4th-grade know-it-all. She mentioned earlier that everyone just hated her because she's "really smart and uses big words," though the biggest word I've heard her use so far is "Sanderson" (the probably fake name of her probably fake dead husband). Out in the Badlands, Chris spends time with each psycho individually. He learns from Ashley that Kelsey is fake, and tells Kelsey what he heard, which she finds "very hurtful." Then he leaves them alone on the outdoor bed, where they hiss and glare at each other. It should also be said that something is happening to Ashley I.'s makeup out in the sun. In a moment of brilliance, Chris eliminates them both and takes off in the helicopter, leaving them standing on separate sides of the Badlands, fuming.