My wife and I were into soft swapping/swinging when we met initially. We took a few years off when we had the kids at her request. We got back into the lifestyle about three years ago. 1.5 years ago she meets a guy and falls in love but wants to stay with me. She asks me to keep his wife occupied so she can spend time with him as he is married as well. The guy's wife and I are very into NSA and we play together but are completely neglected by our spouses. We try foursomes, etc., but the two of them are in la la land. Eventually it all goes to shit, I get fed up and leave, she betrays my trust on every level—yes, every level imaginable.

Within months of me leaving she dumps him (big surprise!) and asks for me back. She doesn’t really start making fundamental changes until this past November/December. We have two sons—both under ten—they obviously don’t want a split and were leaving me pictures of us as a family unit all the time. In December I decided that while the kids are not a reason to stay together, they are a good reason to give it one more shot and I did a grand romantic gesture that has led to reconciliation.

Ok, here’s the two big problems, the sex has gone from awesome to psychologically upsetting. Every time I cum I’m flooded with flashbacks of her with him. They were deep into S&M and he took her to levels I didn’t even know about. She is trying hard to change, Dan, and I am hopeful we can make this work. Do you have any advise for avoiding backlashes during orgasm?

Also I miss the lifestyle of swinging... a lot but I know that being with her means we can’t go back there... or can we?

Mental Images Now Derailing Gamely Attempted Marital Enterprise

My response after the jump...

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I remember seeing a documentary about swinging way, way back in the early 1990s in which one of the featured couples said that they waited to get involved in "the lifestyle" until after their kids were out of high school. They were concerned one or both of them might become romantically attached to someone else and neither wanted to risk breaking up their home and traumatizing their kids. I'm not saying that swinging when your kids are young is the wrong choice every couple—heavens no—but this particular couple felt it was the wrong choice for them. They apparently knew themselves and each other well enough to know that a potentially disruptive romantic attachment was a possibility for them and so they concluded that swinging while their kids were young was a bad idea for them.

And, hey, it looks like it was a bad idea for you and your wife too, MINDGAMES. You may not have known that when you started swinging but you know it now. So I don't think you can go back there anytime soon. Further adventures in swinging should be put off until your kids are older.... if you want to put your kids' needs first.... which you do, right?

As for "avoiding backlashes" when you come (not "cum," MINDGAMES, never "cum")...

You meant "flashbacks," MINDGAMES, and you correctly used "flashbacks" earlier in the same paragraph. I don't wanna get all Freudian on your ass but I think that slip—"backlashes during orgasm"—is revealing.

You got back together with your wife, you're trying to make it work, but it doesn't sound like you've fully forgiven her for running off with this other guy (which is a big deal, a will-take-some-time-to-fully-forgive deal); nor have you fully forgiven her for having an intense sexual connection with this other guy (which you have to stop obsessing about—of course her thing with him was different from her thing with you, MINDGAMES, as he's a different person, he brings different sexual dynamics to the table (isn't that what swingers are seeking?), and that NRE shit is powerful, etc.). Your use of "backlash" had me wondering if you're not subconsciously punishing your wife for what she put you through. By which I mean to say: You're allowing yourself to flashback on the sex she had with him—or your subconsciously flashing back on the sex she had with him—not to make yourself feel awful, MINDGAMES, but to make her feel awful.

Which would mean those flashbacks are backlashes.

My advice: stop letting yourself go there, MINDGAMES, or if you can't help but go there... shake, shake, shake it the fuck off... like Taylor Swift says?