Originally posted on September 18, 2013.

My question is one of etiquette. My lesbian wife and I live in an apartment. The noise pollution between flats can be pretty bad. Anyone who lives in the building is aware of this, and keeping noise down after certain hours is a common courtesy. I wouldn't play loud music after a certain hour, or let doors slam, or break out the drum kit. If any of these things happen after around 11:30 p.m. on a work night, I don't think I'd feel any qualms about going around to whoever is being inconsiderate and asking them to keep it down. But what about noisy sex? My neighbor's girlfriend is pretty loud during sex. If the racket were being made, say, before midnight, I could bear it. It would be gross, because I think he's slimy and he has a terrible hipster mustache, but I wouldn't be writing to you. I'd just cope as best I could and try to fall back asleep. But what about sex at crazy o'clock? Is it okay for us to pound on the wall and ask them to keep it down? What's your opinion?

Sleepy Lesbians Next Door

My response after the jump...

I happen to agree with Robert Lopez, Jeff Marx, and Jeff Whitty, creators of the Tony Award–winning musical Avenue Q, on the subject of apartment living, thin walls, and noisy sex: "You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're makin' love." Or, in this instance, your creepy neighbor with the hipster mustache and his girlfriend can be as loud as the hell they want when they're makin' love. But you and your wife—their annoyed neighbors—can be as loud as the hell you want when they're making love. You can pound on the walls, SLND, make your displeasure known, scream and yell, etc.

And even if your neighbors don't take the fucking hint and quiet the fucking the fuck down, SLND, the noise you make may bring their annoyingly loud sex to a quicker end. The females of certain species—including our own—get loud during sex, i.e., scream and yell, because it helps the males of their species climax more quickly. (Female copulatory vocalization: It is a real thing with its very own Wikipedia page. Look it up.) If his girlfriend's vocalizations are turning your inconsiderate mustachioed hipster neighbor on, the screams of his two lesbian neighbors could push him past the point of no return.

Squicked out by the thought of giving your inconsiderate hipster neighbor an aural reach-around? Look at it this way: The quicker he comes, the quicker it's over, and the sooner you can get back to sleep.