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In my wildest dreams, The Bachelor is the longest con, and no one—not the bachelors, not the bachelorettes, not the contestants, not the limo drivers—is an actual person. Ha! We were tricked! The “I love yous” and marriages have all been fake and humanity is still intact. But alas, no one is that talented/horrible at acting, and we’re on the fourth episode of the 19th season. And I am completely sucked in.

Before we go any further, what we need to remember here is that our cowboy/farmer bachelor Chris IS SO FUCKING BORING. He’s missing a top lip, seems tired all the time, and has yet to string a single interesting sentence together. This season has been fake-controversial because Chris just can’t stop making out with all these women the network put in front of him to make out with. My Bachelor-expert friend pointed out that maybe Chris can’t stop kissing everyone because he can’t think of anything to say
 other than the stock lines that ABC probably wrote on his hand: “I’m here to find a wife.” “Of course I care about you.” “I just want to get to know you and the other girls.” “This is really important to me.”

Last night’s episode was an hour-long mash of: a group beach/camping date with one unhappy camper who pouted the whole time (I respect that), a boring Cinderella date orchestrated by Chris’s three boring sisters (it’s hereditary) in order for ABC to laboriously plug the new Cinderella movie, and a muddy obstacle-course wedding-dress challenge won by the only contestant with bigger arms than Chris. But really, only two important things happened last night, and they are both named Ashley:

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ASHLEY I. NEEDS YOU TO KNOW THAT SHE IS A VIRGIN

Last night's big fake suspense was based on Ashley I.’s stupid virginity. Ashley I. is a 26-year-old freelance journalist who resembles a Kardashian and is a virgin virgin virgin who can’t stop talking about being a virgin. The virgin would like Chris to know that she’s a virgin, so once everyone is asleep on the group camping date, she sneaks into his tent to tell him the news. But Chris is groggier than usual, and Ashley I. doesn’t actually say the ‘v’ word, so he fails to pick up what she’s putting down with sentences like “I’m inexperienced in every way” and “I’m freaking innocent” (she also has an interesting perma-slur that I think is caused by her giant veneers and the show’s ever-available alcohol supply).

Ashley I. obviously believes that being an adult virgin female should be perceived by men to be some kind of
 good thing
 (“I just need him to know that I’m wife material!”) so she’s frustrated that he didn’t get it. After some freaking out to the camera and to the other contestants, she corners him again the next day, and finally lets the virgin out of the virgin. And... HE’S A LITTLE FREAKED OUT. Good for him. I mean, obviously that is the worst. Who wants to have some sure-to-be-awful sex by publicly deflowering a crazy person on TV? Don’t answer that. Yuck. It’s not the biggest deal, though—not to anyone but Ashley S. and the sleazy editors of the show—and the episode ends with her receiving a rose.

BUT WAIT WAIT WAIT RIGHT THERE. Guess who else is a virgin? Becca. Who? Becca. A person the camera has yet to land on for longer than three seconds who looks so similar to all the other similar-looking gals, I didn’t realize she was there. She’s a chill virgin. No big deal. She got a rose too. TWO VIRGINS, ONE CHRIS. Woof.

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INSANE ASHLEY S. HAS LEFT, BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET HER

Ashley S. might not be a sex virgin, but she certainly is a reality virgin. Last night’s saddest news was that Ashley S.—the #1 space cadet and my favorite contestant on the show—was not given a rose. I’m pretty sure she was only kept on for longer than the first 15 minutes of the first episode because the producers could see that her klonopin-and-white-wine vibe was a ratings goldmine, because there’s no way boring Chris wants to hear her hiccup about aliens or the moon. We'll miss her babbling about the onion that was actually a pomegranate, her references to "the Mesa Verde dome,” her vacant-eyed determination during the zombie-shooting paintball challenge, and her garbled whisper-questions for Chris: "Are you real?" "What are you? I mean, I know you're a Scorpio, but I don't care about that." Kaitlyn probably said it best: “I don’t think that Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, because I don’t think Ashley S. knows where ‘here’ is.” I miss her already.