Straight chick, 32, fairly vanilla. Met a handsome dude, 37, seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Outside the sheets he was perceptive, seemingly emotionally intelligent, funny, and considerate. Went on several dates before fucking.

Once we were in the sack, it was obvious that all he knows about sex, he learned from internet porn. Absolutely no clue how a woman's body works: tried to finger me without actually inserting any fingers or touching my clit. Attempted positions that he may have seen on-screen but are not a thing in real life. At one point, flipped me onto my stomach so he could lick my back??? That's fixable; technique can be improved.

But what can't be fixed is a total lack of respect for your partner in bed. Any efforts I made to take control were rebuked. He kept pausing to make awful, lame jokes. Several times I asked him to stop, telling him that it wasn't sexy and a turn off. Dan, he tried to make an off-color Bill Cosby joke while his dick was INSIDE ME.

When he started to penetrate, I told him to get a condom. He tried to convince me that he's been tested and was clean. Seemed totally surprised when I said, "Right, but I still don't want to get pregnant." At first he pouted and said that we couldn't have sex if he wore a condom. Really? Did he think I'd be like, "Oh, well in that case... let's have unprotected sex, guy I met a few days ago." When I pressed the matter, he said, "You're making this feel like a job!"

He went down on me at one point and was sucking my clit, using his teeth, and it was painful. The first time, I pushed his head away gently and said, "That hurts!" I had to ask him twice more to stop. Later, when he was penetrating me, he kept trying to finger my asshole. I'm totally cool with ass play if I know and trust a guy, but that is not a first-time thing for me. I told him to stop and he kept going. I shouldn't have to say it twice. When I, again, told him that wasn't cool, he said, "I thought you were evolved sexually." I had to explain that some sex acts are reserved for when you know a person better. Grossest, most awful kisser ever. Basically smashed my head into the pillow, shut off my nasal passages with his face so he could, like, suck on my lip and do, I don't even know what, with his tongue?

There's more, but I've written a novel at this point.

I'm a fan of your campsite rule, but things were just so awkward that I wanted to get the fuck out of there and didn't feel like giving him a play-by-play critique. I felt so gross and disrespected that I needed a shower.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just venting. I'm pissed at myself because I know I'm doing the "girl thing" of self-blame. I'm mad that I didn't just up and leave when things went south because I felt I had to be "polite." I'm questioning my judgment because the dude seemed great in real life and it turns out he clearly has issues. First guy I've really been interested in after a nasty divorce and am questioning my taste in men.

Ugh.

Totally Grossed Out

My response after the jump...

Happy to let you vent, TGO, but please don't beat up on yourself for not getting up and leaving at the first sign of Lousy Lay And Completely Shitty Human Being (LLACSHB).

The conditioning women are subjected to in our culture—that zap we put on women's heads ("be polite and deferential to men at all times, that goes double for men with erections")—is pretty powerful. The fact that you've referenced the campsite rule in connection to this guy is further evidence of just how powerful that zap is. The campsite rule covers the particular responsibilities of an older partner to a younger partner when a significant age gap exists—the older partner is supposed to leave the younger partner in better shape than they found 'em. This guy is five years older than you, TGO, so the campsite rule doesn't apply here. (Yes, yes: We should all strive to leave our partners in better shape than we found them, regardless of age.) You don't owe this piece of shit anything—not a critique, not some suggestions for improvement, nothing.

Again, don't be upset with yourself and don't waste time questioning your judgment—just resolve to get up, grab your pants, and go the next time you find yourself in bed with someone suffering from LLACSHB. Treat this as a learning experience, TGO, not an opportunity for self-recrimination. Because what happened that night wasn't your fault. It was his.

Final thought: Maybe internet porn is to blame, TGO, or maybe the guy is a lousy lay—a lousy lay and an inconsiderate, boundary-violating, Cosby-joke-making asshole. People have been lousy lays for a lot longer than the internet has been around.