I sent an e-mail in November about the same issue. Basically, my boyfriend prefers masturbation and porn over intimacy with me. I'm good-looking and in shape, so that's not the issue. I'm e-mailing again because as I suspected, things have gotten worse, and now we're only having sex maybe once a month—and only after I (sometimes very emotionally) express how much it hurts me that he doesn't want to have sex with me. My self-esteem is dwindling and I'm taking this really personally. I'm starting to think that it will permanently affect my self-esteem and sense of self-worth and leave me feeling unattractive and sexually obsolete to all men. I've never felt this insecure about myself before. We're about to move in together and sign a one-year lease (right now he's just living w/ me, not on any lease). Think we should just both throw in the towel before things get more serious? I honestly can't be in this situation forever. I suppose I'm just hoping for some advice or suggestions that things will get better.

Hoping For The Best

My response—which is easily guessed—after the jump.

Questions that can be answered with a DTMFA—"dump the motherfucker already"—are the most common ones we advice columnists receive, and as I said when I coined DTMFA nearly a dozen years ago (holy shit!), we have to be careful that our columns don't become DTMFA-a-thons week after week. But sometimes the DTMFAs can't be avoided. So here's my advice for HFTB...

DTMFA. Why haven't you broken up with this guy already? Setting the porn issue aside: I can't understand why you would go on a second date with an inconsiderate asshole who makes you feel insecure and unattractive... and here you are, HFTB, not just living with this guy but contemplating signing a lease with him. That's not what you should do. DTMFA is what you should do.

HFTB's letter wasn't the only DTMFA Q that came in the mail today...

I need some advice, please, and I don't know who to ask but my partner raves about you. I'm 24-year-old male and gender-fluid and I've recently begun being more so than just a label (buying clothes, etc.). My partner is supportive but she's having a hard time accepting it. She says she feels like she's losing her boyfriend of many years. To make maters worse, we are both poly. I live with her and her boyfriend after breaking up with my previous girlfriend of seven years. For a long time I've wanted more people to play with and to potentially date, and after breaking up with my last partner I feel the need even more. I have met three people I would be interested in, but my girlfriend vetoed all three right off the bat.

I've talked about this with my partner, and she worries that if I play with someone else she could wind up being replaced, and she feels threatened by my having a more-than-friends relationship with any of the people I have expressed interest in. She has taken to looking through my messages on various sites (Facebook, etc.) looking for things she doesn't like, which she always winds up finding despite the conversations being innocent-if-flirty-at-times but nothing more. The most recent fight about this led me to delete my Facebook account to prevent further snooping.

I'm feeling hurt and trapped. She knows I'm interested in a poly relationship and has known this from the start but doesn't want me to have anyone but her. I don't know what to do.

Thanks For Reading My Sad Letter

Setting the gender-fluidity issue aside: Your snooping girlfriend with the two live-in boyfriends doesn't want you to have a more-than-friends thing on the side because she's worried about being replaced? DTMFA, TFRMSL. Your girlfriend sounds like a selfish, controlling hypocrite. End things with her and start auditioning a replacement/replacements ASAP.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for a year and half. When we first started dating, we had sex often. He had issues with staying hard, but I didn't and don't mind a challenge. I don't believe I introduced him to anal play, Dan, but we started doing activities like rimming and fingers early in the relationship. Then I started to bring in my toys. This was all very hot and exciting to me, and I had no problems with it all. But then women's underwear that wasn't mine started showing up—not just once but five times. A few pairs were stitched up in the crouch in a weird way. Both pairs were lace G-strings. I also found one of my lace gloves stitched up in a similar fashion. We haven't had sex but a handful of times in the last year other than me blowing him or treating him to a little ass play while he masturbates. He spends up to two hours in the bathroom when he's showering. And to boot, Dan, I recently found 2 dildos in the bathroom hidden behind a drawer.

You should know that I was raised by swingers, Dan, and I am very open-minded as a result. I have always been willing to try new things. My boyfriend is "metrosexual" in a big way—to the point where you can see where there could be some tendencies—and he has the pinkest asshole I've ever seen on a guy.

This guy really swept me off my feet when we met, but now all we do is fight. I struggle with trust issues with him now, as he doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning at least twice a week. And if I ask him a question like "When do you think you'll be home?" or "What kept you so late?" it doesn't matter how nice I am about it. He's instantly defensive, he gets loud and snappy, and instead of answering the question he'll start asking me questions. Nothing I say or do is right or good enough for him.

Are you thinking the same as me here? Should I be packing?

The Neglected Girlfriend

If "DTFMA" is what you're thinking, TNG, then we're thinking the same. You fight all the time, what little sex you do have consists of you servicing his pink asshole, and he's either cheating on you or he's out there fighting crime in a Lycra jumpsuit—yeah, this is a DTMFA situation. (P.S. No one uses "metrosexual" anymore, and pink assholes are a naturally and randomly occurring phenomenon [phenomena?] and not an indication of any particular tendency or set of tendencies.)