I know you've been wondering: "what is going on over at the Salt Lake City airport?" Since I have been here three times in the last three days (I spent the 24th in SLC after my airplane flew to Montana, hovered above Montana, but could not land in Montana because we dipped below the reassuring "bare-minimum safety requirements" we were already at), I'll give you the exclusive inside scoop.

• The entire SLC airport is one big closeted dad with 14 children and blindingly white teeth.

• Delays.

• Baby leashes.

• $11 quesadillas.

• Snow bros.

• A Greek "restaurant" with no hummus on the menu, but plenty of onion rings and spaghetti.

• An obnoxious child practicing obnoxious French with his obnoxious mother ("One more time and stop licking your lips, Trevor!").

• More babies and baby luggage than you have ever seen.

• Cellphone rings that are entire songs, left unanswered for the entire song.