I've been reading your column for a few years and haven't seen this before, so I thought I should just ask.

I am a straight woman with sexual abuse in her past (at 4 by a step-grandfather, at 7 by a classmate). I lost my virginity at 15 to a married 30-year-old guy. I've been with a lot of guys, as I spent several years in the bar scene doing one-nighters with strangers. I've been married three times now, and my current marriage is happy but asexual. I'm close with my current husband. But I've never had sex with a person that I'm emotionally close to. I had little-to-no emotional connection with both of my previous husbands but very strong physical connections—especially my second husband. The best sex for me is a D/s situation where my husband wore lingerie or other female attire. I used to think I was a lesbian, but after some experimenting I found that not to be the case.

So now I'm not sure what to make of it all. Should I be trying to build a sexual relationship with my current husband? He won't wear lingerie—so now what? Why might it be that I don't have a full relationship with a man ever? Do I need yet more therapy? Help, please!

Woman On Number Three

My response after the jump...

You don't mention how old you are, WONT, but with three marriages under your belt and at least one stint in therapy... you have to be getting up there, right? So taking age into consideration and the fact that you don't exactly sound anxious to go back into therapy and the hassle/expense of divorcing Husband #3 and the uncertainty of landing a better Husband #4—essentially ending a happy-but-non-sexual marriage in the hopes of hitting the happy-and-sexual jackpot next time—my advice to you is... settle.

I don't mean "settle for your husband," WONT, I mean "settle with yourself."

Maybe you're like this—incapable of having a good sexual connection with someone you're emotionally close to and vice-versa—because of the abuse you suffered, WONT, or maybe this is just how you're wired. There are people out there with the same issue who weren't abused as children, who didn't lose their virginities at 15 to much older men, and who didn't have tons of one-night stands with men they met in bars. But even if you are like this because of the abuse, the 30-year-old guy, and the drunken one-night stands, you've been in therapy and you've worked on it and you've swapped out husbands and you're still like this.

So here's my suggestion: Instead of fighting it, WONT, make peace with it. Love your husband and let him love you and seek the odd sexual encounter with the odd submissive crossdresser with your husband's consent. If that's not okay with your husband—if he's not willing to be in an open relationship, if he would like to have a sexual relationship with you but you're incapable of having one with him because he isn't submissive or willing to wear lingerie—then you'll have to choose between staying in a happy marriage that's sexless and your third trip to divorce court.