I started reading your column weekly as a 12-year-old nerd who knew he wasn't exactly like all the other boys. I'm now 27, an open bisexual (open in relationships and very proud of it), and your advice over the past 15 (ish) years has helped me so much. I was in a relationship for five years with someone who turned out to be DTMFA-worthy. Reading 3 DTMFA letters where I thought "that could be me" in the span of 2 months was a big contributor to renting the U-Haul and getting the fuck out. The two years since have been the best of my life.
Now for my problem:
I've been dating an incredibly ambitious and talented 20-year-old future architect. She's sensitive, honest, compassionate, interested in everything around her and holds her own against my friends doing PhDs. And we have amazing sex. She's (obviously) bisexual too, and wants to have a threesome, where her and another girl dominate me. I'm absolutely smitten. She's the first person I've met that can keep up. And Dan, I have standards. We see each other once every 1-2 weeks—busy schedules—which has been pretty ideal for both of us. Note: I have never been to her apartment and I have not met a single friend of hers. We had some particularly rough sex about 6 weeks ago, and the condom broke. She had started a new birth control method a few weeks before.
She got a flu last weekend right before the end of her semester. On Monday she went to the doctor. On Wednesday I sent her a message wishing her well on papers and got a very sarcastic response, to which I responded sarcastically, then I got a message calling me an inconsiderate ass. Sensing something was up, I called her. No answer, then a message back saying that she was going through a medicinal abortion. She doesn't want to see me, she said, and she added that her friends are taking care of her.
I'm not particularly sad but I am overwhelmed and emotional. I worry that I may have violated the campsite rule in some way. I put together an extravagant care package for her and I plan to drop it off tomorrow night. A lot of the extravagance is so she can give things to her friends. Even though I haven't met them, I really appreciate their support for her.
Questions:
1. Is it weird that I haven't been to her apartment in three months?
2. Have I done anything to violate the campsite rule?
3. The extravagant care package, I'm pretty sure this is a great idea. My friends all agree. Your thoughts?
4. Is there anything else I should do? I am going away until the 6th, so she will get plenty of time away from me.
I don't feel bad for sending you this essay. I've read tens of thousands of words, Dan, you can read a fraction of that amount of mine.
Wants To Honor The Campsite Rule
My response after the jump...
1. Yes, that's weird. She either lives at home or she lives with a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or some sort of poly combo platter. Or maybe she's hiding you from her friends and/or family for some other reason. Do you have a parasitic twin? Are you one of those open carry assholes? Do you go out in public in this t-shirt? Have you ever said, "It's about ethics in video game journalism," without sarcasm?
And finally, WTHTCR, are a douchebag?
I'm not saying you are—heavens no—but there were a few douchey turns-of-phrase in your letter: "The first person I've met that can keep up," "I have standards," "holds her own against my friends doing PhDs." There were a few other douchey TOPs that I edited out. (Long letter!) Again: I'm not saying you're a douchebag. Hell, it would reflect badly on me if you were, WTHTCR, seeing as you've been reading my column for so long. But perhaps some introspection is in order. "Have I been a douche?" is a question we should all put to ourselves from time to time. (I'm putting it to myself now, in fact. Join me?)
2. There's nothing in your letter that points to a campsite rule violation. (Here's the campsite rule, for those of you who are just tuning in.) But I would have to subpoena this woman and take testimony under oath—I would have to get her side of the story—before a campsite rule violation could be definitively ruled out.
3. Your care package sounds lovely. I deleted the paragraph where you listed the contents, WTHTCR, as the list might identify her to her friends. But it's an extremely thoughtful gesture and not the least bit douchey. The thoughtfulness, however, shouldn't end with the construction of the care package.
There's a reason she hasn't had you over to her apartment. We don't know what that reason is—it's a mystery—but there's a reason. There has to be. The last thing you want to do is A. appear to be using the abortion as an excuse to barge into her apartment or B. actually use the abortion as an excuse to barge into her apartment. So don't drop the care package off yourself, WTHTCR. Have it delivered.
4. Enclose a nice note with the gift basket, tell her you'll be away for a few days, then send her a text when you return. If you hear from her, great. If you don't, get introspecting.
