I'm a 30-year-old, straight-ish, poly guy. I need help figuring out a situation with an ex.
About six months ago, my primary and I broke up. We'd been dating on and off for about two years. My ex is brilliant, fun, and usually kind to her friends. I was very much in love with her. Unfortunately, in private, she regularly treated me abusively. She isolated me from my friends, refused to come to my apartment (except on rare occasions), made fun of what I wore and ate, regularly yelled at me for imagined slights, interrupted me at my office when she wanted to talk about relationship issues, but never had time to talk when I wanted to, etc. I'd broken up with her twice, and both times I'd allowed her to talk me into getting back together. One day, she was following me around my house yelling at me, and after asking her several times to leave the house, I eventually had to call the police to get her to leave. After that, she broke up with me. She suggested being friends, and I told her I'm open to that if she acknowledged that the way she treated me wasn't okay. She hasn't been willing to discuss it, so we haven't had much contact.
Recently, I've become interested in someone new. This new person has made it clear that she's interested as well. The problem is that she's friends with my ex. She has a rough picture of why my ex and I aren't talking, but sees us both as good people, and doesn't want to take sides (not that I'm asking her to). She isn't comfortable dating me while my ex and I have unresolved issues. She thinks it would be unethical and jeopardize their friendship. Now I'm worried that this is going to be a common problem. Most people I'd consider dating seriously are involved in a particular, close-knit subculture, and many are friends with both of us. Is there a way for me to date mutual friends without jeopardizing their friendship with my ex? Should I just give up on dating the people in my current circles?
Embargoed Goods
My response after the jump...
You tried to break up with this woman because she was abusive and controlling. Then she did you the favor of breaking up with you—all it took was one call to the cops—and that was for the best. You deserve a primary who doesn't isolate you (red flag for abuse), doesn't mock your attire and food-shame you (ditto, ditto), doesn't show up unannounced at your place of work to confront you about relationship issues (ditto), and doesn't refuse to come over to your apartment as often as you might like (di—wait, huh?). And when she wanted to be post-primary friends, EG, you set a seemingly reasonable condition: She had to acknowledge that she was a shit girlfriend/primary/person. But she refused to even discuss what a shit girlfriend/primary/person she was... so no post-primary friendship.
Normally that would be the end of it, EG. You would de-friend each other on Facebook/Fetlife, stop following each other on Instagram, mute each other on Twitter, etc., avoid each other at Burning Man or wherever, and go find yourselves some brand-new primary partners. But, alas, you and ex inhabit the same "close-knit subculture." That might be awkward, but it wouldn't be a problem if your insistence upon receiving an acknowledgment of general shittiness from her—not too much to ask after all that shouting and refusing to hang out at your place—hadn't morphed into a veto that she exercises over your love life.
You have two options, EG: Give up on dating people in your current circles, like you said, or make nice with your ex. If making nice won't just gall you (because she never had to acknowledge her shittiness) but actually traumatize you (because the abuse left deep and lasting scars), EG, then definitely go with the former: Date outside your current circles. But if this is just a post-breakup pissing match, well, you're pissing into strong headwinds. I would urge you then to patch things up with the ex—or pretend to patch things up (feel free to nurse secret resentments, stick pins in voodoo dolls, roll your eyes when no one is looking)—if that's what it takes to get the next.
