In mostly unconvincing fashion, the Seattle Seahawks beat the Carolina Panthers 13-9 on Sunday to keep their Insufferable Journey to Rewinnining the Super Bowl™ alive. They also spent much of last week playing a central part in America’s Sports Hot Take Industry. This meant we got to hear an array of idiots blather on about whether or not Russell Wilson is black enough to lead the Seahawks (six games after winning the Super Bowl), and whether or not Marshawn Lynch is too much trouble for the team (again, SIX GAMES REMOVED FROM WINNING THE SUPER BOWL). By the end of the week, Wilson had to “respond to the controversy” of his perceived blackness after leading a game-winning drive in a football game. Everything about that sentence, save for the part where he won the game, is the worst.

Rather than delve any deeper into this crap, let me instead dismiss all of it. These stories are all stupid. They function like a vacuum, powered by idiocy, drawing the collective focus of America away from things that matter (family, war, poverty) and things that almost matter (actual football games), turning our attention instead towards what amounts to bigoted celebrity gossip.

To quote Dwight Eisenhower:

This conjunction of an immense footballing establishment and a large hot-take industry is new in the American experience. The total influence is felt in every city that was duped into publicly financing a stadium, every car radio, every poorly written piece of content aggregation. We must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. In the councils of the media, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the NFL-hot take industrial complex. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our intelligence or our instincts for basic humanity.

At least I think that's what he said.

Anyway, rather than list off the ways that the media tried to break my will as a Seahawks fan this week, let’s instead run down the list of ways the Seahawks themselves tried to break my will by actually playing football:

• The Seahawks had two first quarter drives, both ended in three-and-outs. Both came up a yard short due to a combination of good defense, and totally brutal route design.
• Marshawn Lynch bobbled a potential touchdown catch that was then intercepted by the Panthers at the end of the first half.
• All-world punter Jon Ryan shanked a punt out of bounds that only netted 24 yards.
• The Panthers fumbled four times but the Seahawks only recovered one.
• Reserve center and local product Steve Schilling forgot to hand Russell Wilson the ball on a snap resulting in a turnover so inane that it would result in laps being run if it happened in an 8th grade flag football game.
• Not a Seahawks play, but my dog Edgar knocked over a beer in the third quarter and it landed completely upside down next to my rug. C’mon dog.
• Increasingly convenient scapegoat for everything wrong in my life Tharold Simon let a potential interception bounce off of his chest. (To be fair to Tharold, overall he looked much improved from his horror show performance against the Rams).
• Every tackle that reigning Super Bowl MVP Malcolm Smith didn’t finish. He’s going to be missing tackles in my dreams for weeks.
• A brutal holding penalty followed up by an inexcusable drop from tight end Luke Willson that was almost erased from my memory by his game winning touchdown. Sorry Luke, I forgive, but I never forget. Never.
• The Seahawks had 12 men in the defensive huddle while trying to stop the Panthers on third and goal. WRONG 12TH MAN, GUYS.
• Russell Wilson had tight end Cooper Helfet wide open for an easy touchdown and forgot to hold the ball as he threw it. Fun fact: if you want to complete a football pass it helps to grip the football when you throw it. Otherwise it just slips out of your hands, floats around for a while, and then lands on the turf for an incompletion.
• Michael “Black Santa” Bennett almost brought down Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton for a safety, but instead somehow allowed him to escape. Two plays later, Newton completed a 50-yard pass pass to rookie receiver Kelvin Benjamin over All-Pros Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas. Never have I had so many heroes exposed in such quick succession.

So given that the Seahawks managed to produce a hideous litany of errors, how did they manage to win? Four reasons:

Russell Wilson is really good at football. Despite overthrowing a handful of passes in the second and third quarters, Wilson’s poise and accuracy on the game’s final drive were what can only be described as Russell Wilson-esque. We’re so lucky to have Wilson around playing quarterback.

Rookies stepped up. With Percy Harvin gone, rookie receivers Kevin Norwood and Paul Richardson will need to play well for the Seahawks’ offense to work, and both made some good plays on Sunday. Richardson flashed his speed with an excellent kick-off return and both of the rookies made a pair of contested catches in traffic. Just as big was the emergence of Kevin Pierre-Louis at linebacker. This guy was a beast coming out of Boston College, and the Seahawks knew they were very lucky to grab him in the fourth round. With Bobby Wagner out indefinitely and Malcolm Smith playing badly and then getting injured himself, KPL stepped up to solidify a linebacking corp that needs a speedy player capable of working in coverage and stopping the run.

Pete Carroll’s defense was back. Last year, embodying Carroll’s “All About The Ball” philosophy, the Seahawks led the league in red zone defense and turnovers. They year they were at or near the bottom of the NFL in both categories coming into this game. Against the Panthers though? Two turnovers, no red zone touchdowns.

Steven Freakin’ Hauscka. Noted Middlebury Alumnus Steven Hauschka hit a 58 yard field goal in the first half. It was both a career long and tied the Seahawks franchise mark. Whose Haus? Chka’s Haus.

Next week the Seahawks get the winless Raiders at home itching to blow a team out. If you’ve been missing getting to be really smug about the Seahawks, get ready, because the forecast for next weekend calls for non-stop insufferability.