Years ago, right after my husband separated from his now ex-wife he entered a "friends with benefits" relationship. He was pursued by a woman, and given how vulnerable and terrible he felt at the time, it wasn't long before he "gave in." From the get go, he was clear with her, very clear in that the relationship was in fact an "un-relationship" and that there was absolutely no chance it would evolve into anything real or long term. She agreed to this whole heartedly.

Time passed and eventually she told him that in fact she wanted more from him. He reiterated his position and again made it clear that he wasn't prepared to date her. Again, she agreed.

Eventually, she started to pressure him to the point that he broke it off. This wasn't simple. They moved in the same circles, he saw her all the time. She was telling people they were together. She wouldn't accept his position. She kept insisting that they should be together. He said it was like breaking up with someone over and over again, and he feels terrible for hurting her and now says he should've known better. At one point, she was sending him copious amounts of mail, acting a bit stalkerish, not letting go and using emotional blackmail to try to pressure him (a man who'd just left an 11-year-relationship) to date her. Finally, thankfully she moved up north and left him alone.

But my husband, who is the world's most decent person beats himself up over this, which really bothers me. He says he feels horrible he hurt her. I've reflected on this and have come up with a very unpopular stance. In fact, she is the one who should feel bad. She swore she was just fine with a FWB arrangement, while all along she was hoping for more. That's fine, but when he told her in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to happen, she pressured him, borderline stalked him, and used every tactic to make him feel guilty. I think he was tricked and lied to and then abused.

What's your opinion?

Just Wondering

In my opinion... what went down between your husband and this woman is none of my business, JW, just as it's none of yours.

Now a person could argue that I'm constantly weighing in on things that are none of my business. But in most cases a person directly involved in/impacted by Whatever Fucking Happened writes to ask for my advice, JW, thus making their business my business. (But only for as long as it takes me to formulate a response.) And unless your husband's guilt about what went down with this woman is negatively impacting your relationship with him somehow—he feels so terrible that he can't get out of bed for days at a time and/or can't go down on you for months at a time—you're not directly involved/impacted.

So stop worrying about this and stop trying to tell your husband how he should feel about it.

It's also possible that there's more to the story than your husband has shared with you. Sometimes a person in your husband's position—the FWB of someone who wants more—consciously, subconsciously, or semi-consciously takes advantage of the power imbalance. This doesn't disqualify your husband from Most Decent Person Status; no one is perfect, we've all done selfish things, sometimes we convince ourselves that a selfish/shitty thing we're doing isn't selfish/shitty at all on account of a technicality. ("She wants this to be more, and I know that, and she pretty much does whatever I want in the hopes that I'll want more someday and I guess I'm passively leveraging her desire to upgrade this FWB thing to something more serious to have things my way and, well, I should probably do the right thing and end the relationship because she's going to get hurt... but the sex is so good and I haven't actively mislead her... so...")

I'm not saying that this is how it went down, JW; I'm only suggesting that there could be more to the story.

Finally, JW, there's no such thing as an "un-relationship." A friends-with-benefits arrangement is a relationship—it may not be a committed one, and most don't become long-term relationships, but it is a relationship. (Some FWB arrangements do become long-term—some go on for years and years—and some people are in loving, committed relationships with people who were originally their FWBs.) And unless your husband is a hologram, JW, it was something real.