Y'all, someone laced the mayor's energy drink with something craaaaaaazy! I mean, usually, when the mayor releases something to the press at 5:30 on a Friday, that thing is something he doesn't want you to know about. Like, his new police chief is reversing important discipline decisions. Or like, he ran over someone's dog while he was golfing or something, I don't know. Bad stuff. Stuff he hopes you're already too busy happy-hour-ing to pay attention to.

When I got word that the mayor's office was going to send something out this evening, I hoped for delicious scandal—or at the very least, an announcement that "Anna Minard has been hired as the City's new Ryan Gosling Naked Pictures Coordinator, effective immediately, salary is $1,000,000, Mr. Gosling says he's very happy to provide the city with this important resource." Instead, I got something I have no idea what to do with: a city proclamation in rhyming verse, in the style of Dr. Seuss, replete with made-up nonsense words, all about how next week is Corpse Flower Week.

Behold:

The full text is after the jump, if you can't read the image there. (Also after the jump: An obligatory irrelevant but entertaining photo of Zac Efron hanging out with the Lorax. ENJOY! Because Dr. Seuss would've wanted you to, y'know?)

So, uh, does anyone know what's going on? I mean, yes, I know there is a giant stinky corpse flower that lives in Volunteer Park Conservatory and is currently blooming in rare form, and people from across the land love it. And I know that sometimes political staffers write jokes. But this is making me concerned that the mayor is (a) on some very serious drugs (we're jealous, sir!) or (b) is trying to cover up some other terrible news, like how it's been discovered that he's actually two small children in a suit dressing up as a man.

WHAT THE FUCK, YO? IT'S FRIDAY. Anyways, this has been your Friday Evening News Dump Post of the Day™. I need your help with the important poll down below there, too. Please. Also I accept margarita delivery.

WHEREAS, Corpse Flowers are smelly – as smelly as can be; and

WHEREAS, Some people think they smell like a Bamfloozeling Tree; and

WHEREAS, Their bloom is rare, as you already know, like the tracks of a Sizzelgong on new fallen snow; and

WHEREAS, Here in Seattle, we have one just now, and it seems as magical as a Beegiggle-wom-pow; and

WHEREAS, It’s in Volunteer Park, which we love and revere, where children to elders wait for it to appear; and

WHEREAS, Flowers can be stinky, but parks make us merry, so let us now dance like a jiggle-wump berry; and

WHEREAS, At the Conservatory awaits a flower that is new, so come one, come all, to see Edgar Allan Pew;

NOW LET IT BE PROCLAIMED BY A VOICE THAT IS NOT MEEK THAT THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS SHALL BE
Corpse Flower Week