I'm a cis straight woman, writing in because of the DDD/PPP advice for sharing your kink with a new partner that you recently rolled out, and also sort of because of the "Anal Entitlement" SLLOTD Mistress Matisse answered for you in July.

Obviously I wouldn't want to lie and say DDD is going to work every time, but it can work spectacularly well. I used to be not only uninterested in anal sex, but phobic of it. The idea was physically terrifying to me, and all the cultural baggage—rape jokes, the idea of anal sex as degrading and damaging to the recipient, the concept of it as something men want as a trophy and women endure if they can—didn't help with that. So when my incredibly sexy new guy and I were filling out kink checklists and I saw he liked giving anal sex, I was freaked out.

My previous guys had all claimed, some sincerely, that they weren't interested in anal, and that was what I wanted to hear. But my new guy wouldn't lie to me. He told me why he liked it (disclosed), what he didn't like about it (downplayed—so I wouldn't build it up as his ultimate sexual desire I was shutting down), and said that while he would really like to play with my ass in other, smaller ways because that was hot for him and he wanted to share it with me, if he never had his dick up my ass for the whole relationship, that would be fine with him (dropped). And, most importantly: he was very sincere.

I try to be GGG, so even though I expected mild ass play would be about as much fun as a trip to the ob-gyn I said yes to that part. He was really gentle, just rubbing my ass occasionally, mostly (which felt okay) or rimming it (nice), until one day he had me bent over the couch for a quickie before we left on vacation, and the rubbing suddenly got good to me, so I asked him for a finger inside and it felt GREAT. We experimented with fingers and toys in my ass all the weekend away, and a few weeks later I was ready to admit I wanted his dick up my ass (okay, actually, beg and pout for it.) We went really slowly, gradually and gently but it turns out I love anal sex, and I am good at receiving it. Now if I don't get it at least once a week I start getting crazy-horny, and it's even better for him now, since the stuff he didn't love about it with other partners (couldn't thrust fast or hard) isn't true with me because I'm such an anal freak!

And I'm really sure that if he'd pestered me, or pretended not to like the idea and tried to 'slip' in that way, I would still think anal sex the ultimate nightmare. (It is all about relaxing, after all.) Instead, because he DDDed, my sex life has this amazing new hot dimension! I think the genuine dropping is really important though, and the DDDer needs to make sure they genuinely can live without their kink. Because it might never happen, or happen years in the future, and insincerity can be really obvious. Knowing I was enough for him without it made all the difference to my feeling safe and secure enough to go somewhere new and scary.

Thanks for all the wisdom,

Fortunately Reconsidered Exploring Anal Kink

P.S. I still hate all the cultural baggage about anal sex. It isn't going to be pleasurable for everyone, and seeing my hot favorite thing portrayed as unsexy and uncomfortable...gross!

Thanks for sharing, FREAK. Another reader offers some feedback—distinctly less positive—after the jump...

Something in SNAP's message really made you snap out. For somebody who claims to celebrate the infinite variety of human sexuality, tolerance, etc., you not only rushed to defend SNAP but really viciously attacked SNAP's wife. Your reply made you look small minded. I was astonished you had the balls to call her behavior "abusive bullshit". You never for a moment gave any due consideration to the wife's possible point of view or to any broader basis on which women can legitimately object to porn use by their partners. You just conveniently put a label on this woman, basically controlling bitch, and told the guy to dump her. I know you don't think of yourself as a typical guy, but it is typical of men in this culture to characterize a woman with whom they disagree as "controlling, irrational, abusive psycho". What's with the name calling? Labels, name calling, equal end of communication, end of discussion.

Maybe the guy is "generally a good person". But guess what—he's not what he presented to his wife. He was dishonest, not open at the right time. He is not the person she fell in love with. There is a flip side to what your "astute commentator" had to say: SNAP's wife should find someone who accepts her for who she is. She is the one who should dump this guy and find a partner who is honest and the kind of partner she wants to share her life with. Hopefully she will come to that conclusion. If SNAP follows your "advice", hopefully he would be gentle and humane and say sorry I disappointed you and was not honest, it's clear we need to part ways and find partners who accept us for what we are, and can love and respect us such as we are.

Frankly, I know you never feel shame, but you should be ashamed of your narrowing and lack of tolerance and respect in this instance. Not only did you completely fail to honor and acknowledge this woman's distress at this late revelation by SNAP, you gave no consideration whatsoever to the widely held viewpoint of women who might object to porn on feminist principle, that they view it as an industry that demeans women. Please don't tell me that porn is consensual and women freely choose to be porn stars, that they could have been Fortune 500 CEOs, Nobel Laureates, in the learned professions of law, medicine, but they freely chose porn instead. Women who are featured in porn are seen by feminists as women who have unwittingly or otherwise internalized images of women generated by a male dominated society, male fantasy images of women, just as a few examples, with enlarged breasts (who are disabled by the basketballs on their chests) and who wax their pubic hair (ouch), wear extreme heels (ouch again, lots of corrective foot surgeries every year), etc. Feminist women don't want partners who use porn of any kind. Period. That's our choice. Maybe in her distress, SNAP's wife glommed onto something irrational, about pedophilia, but who isn't irrational when they are emotionally freaked out by something in a relationship, when tables are turned in a way they never imagined? Where is your humanity in this case? SNAP's wife is perfectly entitled to be of the view that she obviously finds porn so fundamentally objectionable, for whatever her reasons may be.

Women who see porn they way SNAP's wife sees it (and her viewpoint was not articulated by her, but by some guy who feels wronged because he wants to be free to use porn) or in the feminist way I described who find that their partner uses porn feel betrayed and angry and disrespected and demeaned all at once, and these feelings are magnified if the revelation or discovery is made years into a relationship long after all disclosures should have been made. Stop being so hypnotically high and mighty. Stop being so judgmental when someone doesn't comport with your point of view like SNAP's wife. Not everyone agrees with you that the gold standard of a free society is the right to choose porn or defend its use. As you write your answers, I would urge you to avoid a rush to judgment, to try to consider the possible point of view of the partner being written about, who is human too, and as such has points of view worthy of consideration and respect. You are getting too set in your ways. You need to try harder, try to be a little less "savage" in your replies.

Can't wait to see what tag line you put on this one.

Unsigned

Actually, U, most LWs create their own amusing-little-acronym/abreviation-creating sign-offs. Sometimes I'll jump in and make one up myself if the LW didn't or couldn't—but I'm so emotionally and physically and bullshitally exhausted after reading your letter, U, that I just don't have the energy to create an amusing and/or insulting tag line for you. And I'm not going to take the bait and respond to your letter other than to note this: SNAP isn't a regular consumer of porn. He looked at some porn during a period when his then-girlfriend/now-wife/future-ex went away to school and they were doing the LDR thing. His awful porn use is past, his wife's abusive bullshit is present. Next time read the letter you're blowing up at me about, okay?