I'm a 21-year-old female college student and I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. It's a long-distance/online relationship. He's planning to come visit me for the first time in a few months. He lives in the UK and we Skype/video/voice chat every day. He's the light of my life despite what friends/family say about trying to find someone nearby. He's already sent me his flight details and everything but the one thing I'm concerned about is he's really into these somewhat odd fetishes. (But I have somewhat odd fetishes myself!) We're both virgins and so I really want us to start off slow—that's particularly important as I enjoy pseudo-nonconsensual situations. (I'm NOT saying non-consensual anything is okay! But it's something I'd like to roleplay in the bedroom.) He enjoys bondage/puppy play, mouthplay (having his mouth forced open), and scat/watersports. That's all a lot of heavy stuff!

We agreed to go slow and it's not like we're going to go through all those things on his first visit but I want to at least give it a try. I know there's some toys to help with the mouthplay and puppy play situation but I'm not sure I know enough to be a proper Dom in these situations and in other situations. Is there anything I can do to try and research up on these things to at least be more prepared when he visits? Also, my mother always seems to be trying to get me interested in other guys. I don't know if it's because my boyfriend is trans (male in a female's body) or if it's because of other factors but I'm continually telling her to stop. But she keeps doing it. Will the visit help kill that?

Or are there other type of things we can do in the bedroom that aren't quite as extreme as some of our fetishes above? We're going to be pretty new to this whole intercourse thing and I'd love your advice. Any handy tips? He doesn't want me to touch him anywhere below the belt and that's okay with me. Is there any way I can still get him off without having to touch him in places he doesn't want to be touched? I'm scared I'll do something and make him not want to do anything bedroom-related with me again. Please help!

Gettin' Freaky The First Time


You're an adult, GFTFT, and you don't need your mother's permission—or mine—to meet up with this guy. But if I were your mother, and if were privy to all the details, I'd be trying to interest you in other guys too. Not because I'm anti-kink or anti-trans or anti-Brit or anti-online-romance. What I am is anti-unreasonable-risk-taking. And anti-wishful-thinking. And anti-naïveté-related-relationship-disasters.

Yes, yes: you Skype with this guy every day, you feel you know him well, he lights up your life, etc. But you can't really know someone until you've met them in person, face-to-face, and you haven't met this guy. Yet you've already committed to putting him up and engaging in some extreme—and potentially dangerous—sex play with him. All without having ever met him. Frankly, GFTFT, that calls your judgment into question, which leads me doubt your ability to accurately assess the personal qualities of a man who is planning to fly halfway around the world to lose his above-the-belt/shit-in-his-mouth virginities to someone he has never met.

Setting the whole kink issue aside for a moment, GFTFT, I'm gonna give you the same advice I would give someone planning to meet up with an online crush/BF/GF/puppy/whatever: He needs a place to stay—a place that isn't your place. If you hit it off and he winds up spending every night at your place, great. But you don't want to feel obligated to host him if you get the feeling he's dangerous or untrustworthy or crazy or crazy after you meet up. And he needs a place to go if you sour on him after a few days. If he balks at this perfectly reasonable request/precaution, GFTFT, tell him to cancel his flight.

As for your kink questions—how to be a proper Dom, what are some less extreme things you can do, where can you do a little research—I would suggest you spend some time digging through the selection of books available from Cleis Press. You'll find lots of books in their catalogue about kink and BDSM, from beginners guides to erotica. This guy isn't coming for a few months so you've got plenty of time to read up on kink and consent and safety and limits. And if, after you've read up on kink, he comes and you have a good feeling about him... take it slow and don't feel like you have to try everything you've ever fantasized about in one weekend.

And skip the shit play. Please. For your mother's sake. And mine.