Slog

Slog Music

Music, Nightlife,
and Drinks

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Fuck That Guy

Posted by on Tue, Aug 26, 2014 at 5:21 PM

About half a year ago, I briefly dated basically the most beautiful man—picture Ryan Gosling's bigger, stronger older brother—and had the best sex ever. (I'm a straight woman, BTW.) It ended because he didn't want to get serious but he has expressed enthusiasm for hooking up again. I think about him during sex all the time, but I feel conflicted about it—maybe it keeps me from moving on? So should I try to stop thinking about him? Or should I sleep with him again? I don't know how much I'd enjoy sex with him since I'd be hoping he'd fall in love with me.

I guess I just hate the feeling of leading a second-choice life. It doesn't feel fair to my current sex partners, great people who all are first choices for someone, but I know we can't all marry the most beautiful person we've ever been with. It's just that I always thought I'd end up with someone who I think is beautiful. I'm 32 now and no one's made me feel that way in a long time—except a stupid sexy guy who didn't want to get serious.

Does he deserve to be immortalized in my sex fantasies? It feels like living in defeat but it makes orgasming very easy.

Thinking With Portals

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

First off, TWP, I can't believe you would send me a question like that. This Ryan-Gosling's-bigger-stronger-older-brother stuff—you seriously expect me to take your word on that? A courteous person would've sent pics from multiple angles.

I will look for your followup email. My advice in the meantime...

I don't generally subscribe to the fuck-em-and-get-em-out-of-your-system theory. If you fuck this guy again, and fuck him on his terms (hooking up only, no dating or romance), you're unlikely to get what you want—that is, he's unlikely to fall in love with you, ask you to marry him, and impregnate you with scores of muscular little goslings—and you'll continue to obsess about him, at least over the short term. But you're not fucking him now and you're obsessing about him, right? So a case could definitely be made for fucking him since you're going to obsess about him anyway.

So fuck him, I say, from multiple angles.

And who knows? It's possible—it's unlikely, but it's possible—that he'll be ready to "get serious" at some point and, hey, if you're the person he happens to be fucking when that day comes... maybe he'll get serious about you. It's also possible that this relationship ended so quickly that you were incapable of seeing his flaws. People we date briefly often seem perfect; people we date for months or years—or just hookup with for months or years—rarely seem perfect. He may be no less beautiful after you've fucked the shit out of him for two or three years, TWP, but by then you'll be acquainted with some of his less attractive qualities and you'll be able to move on, no longer obsessed, with this boy him safely tucked away in your solodex.

 

Comments (28) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
lyanth 1
High-five to LW for an awesome nerdy name.
Posted by lyanth http://www.marietietje.com on August 26, 2014 at 5:37 PM · Report this
Sandiai 2
Been there girlfriend. I seem to fall in love quite easily with the rare gems I take to my bed. I can tell you though, the (possible) heartbreak is SO worth it.

Just be cool, OK? Don't be jealous or possessive or resentful. Enjoy today and stop worrying about your future feelings, 'cause that's kind of stupid (sorry).
Great advice, Dan. And thank you for the new vocabulary word.
Posted by Sandiai on August 26, 2014 at 6:08 PM · Report this
3
If I didn't love Dan before now, he would have had me at "scores of muscular little goslings"...
Posted by EricaP on August 26, 2014 at 6:11 PM · Report this
5
You regret the most that which you do not do.

Or in this case, that who you do not do. Jump on his dick and never look back.
Posted by Hacksaw on August 26, 2014 at 10:12 PM · Report this
6
Wouldn't it be a gaggle of Goslings?
Posted by Joe Glibmoron on August 26, 2014 at 10:13 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 7
Such a sad letter.

It sucks. I don't know if Dan's advice will be the best or not. It's sort of a lose-lose in any case.

Sorry. It sucks. Do the best you can. Do whatever makes you feel the best you can... and as Dan said, as for this guy's feeling? Fuck 'em. That's what I think Dan was actually saying in his advice. All the people above me? I don't think they got it.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on August 26, 2014 at 11:35 PM · Report this
Aurora Erratic 8
This is terrible advice. The LW wants a relationship, and has stated that she'd be "hoping he'd fall in love with [her]" if they have the no-strings sex he is looking for. He is not going to fall in love, so sex with him is likely to extend her painful feelings.

Give yourself some distance, do fun and interesting things, minimize contact. Don't worry about who you fantasize about.
Posted by Aurora Erratic http://www.finemesspottery.com on August 27, 2014 at 4:01 AM · Report this
10
[non-HA]

If this were MGTOW March, she'd be in for a long cross-examination about why she feels entitled to a beautiful spouse.

Very sneaky of Mr Savage to imply that she's capable of keeping her inamorato's interest for that long.

I am actually inclined to give LW half a point for being able to get better use of her brain than many other LWs and having sufficient grace to realize she's really giving her current partners (potentially a worthwhile sideline) a rather raw deal, but she loses a quarter of a point for her taste and a more serious quarter of a point for calling the thug stupid.
Posted by vennominon on August 27, 2014 at 5:54 AM · Report this
nocutename 11
Dan's way off here.

TWP will only feel worse if she lets Mr. Gorgeous back into her bed. He won't fall in love with her and she'll end up feeling used, blaming herself for her pain. Not worth it.

TPM, cut off all contact and let yourself scab over and heal. This may take much more time than you think it "should." It will take as much time as it will take.

In the meantime, go ahead and conjure up memories/fantasies as you masturbate. They won't keep you from moving on; they won't keep you from falling in love; as soon as you meet someone falling-in-love-worthy who is interested in you back, you'll be able to (and you still may keep "Gosling +" in your mind for occasional masturbation purposes, which is fine).
Posted by nocutename on August 27, 2014 at 5:58 AM · Report this
nocutename 12
Mr. Ven:
1) Maybe he is stupid; we don't know him.

2) "Stupid" in this case doesn't refer to his intelligence level. It's more a a descriptor of the futility she feels at lusting so strongly over someone so unavailable.
Posted by nocutename on August 27, 2014 at 6:03 AM · Report this
14
Shallooooow

Grow up, LW. "I always thought I'd end up with someone who [sic] I think is beautiful," are the words of a very naive child. It's "whom."
Posted by Beastly on August 27, 2014 at 7:12 AM · Report this
15
Hmm. If the LW wants lasting love, why does she regularly sleep with people she doesn't find beautiful? I'd say she should fuck Mr Gosling Sr as per Dan's advice, and only continue to fuck other people that are either beautiful to her straight off, or whom she comes to find beautiful after a few months. I mean, not necessarily objectively beautiful, but beautiful to her.

I think no-one should have to settle for a long term relationship with someone they don't feel is beautiful - but beauty can be found in the most snaggle-toothed and unkempt of places, if the relationship is right.
Posted by misspiggy on August 27, 2014 at 7:35 AM · Report this
16
Sorry, that should have read Gosling Major.
Posted by misspiggy on August 27, 2014 at 7:37 AM · Report this
Alanmt 17
Aw, she wanted Prince Charming, and she got Gaston. Sad. Not that she didn't get what she wanted, but that at 32 she is still letting Disney set her romantic expectations.

We also need a pic of her so we can judge whether she's beautiful herself and worthy of such a hot guy. Because she probably isn't. Or she would have gotten other hot guys since him. Right?

Finally, this guy is probably an example of the unparalleled beauty principle: Amazingly beautiful people tend to have more significant character flaws (and be batshit crazy) because they rarely receive negative consequences for their bad acts because everyone wants to be around them because of their beauty. So he is probably a douchebag. But hey, he's so hot, right??????!!!!!!!

In any event, she should let her current sex partners go so they can find someone who loves them unreservedly.
Posted by Alanmt on August 27, 2014 at 8:47 AM · Report this
18
Yeah, @8and @11 are right. If LW were only saying she wants to have sex with beautiful people, then that's one thing, and she should go for it.

But that's not all she's saying. She clearly states she's going to keep "hoping he'll fall in love with me" if she keeps having sex with him-- so much so that she's already worrying that this is going to interfere with any pleasure she might get from the sex. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

@8 and @11 are right-- immortalize him in your sex fantasies all you want, but if he's making it clear he doesn't want anything serious, but you're thinking 'maybe he'll fall in love with me" every time you're with him to the point it's even making you doubt your sexual pleasure, then absolutely don't keep having sex with him.

People above have said you regret the things that you don't do, but, remember, you can also end up regretting doing the things that hurt and humiliate you. If you're on the same page with Mr. Beautiful, then boff away all day and all night. But if you're lying there thinking "please fall in love with me, please fall in love with me" and he's made it clear that's not going to happen, then far better to keep him as a fantasy object and find someone you're actually on the same page with.
Posted by bobbyjoe on August 27, 2014 at 8:52 AM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 19
I'd say keep fucking him if you can get your head around the "NSA sex only" requirement. If nothing else, you can tell yourself "yes, I had a piece of that" when you're old & wrinkly. And as Dan says, the more time you spend with him, the greater the likelihood that you will find out things about him that make him less appealing as a long-term partner. (For example, I have a friend whose husband muted the TV remote, said "wait here a second" then went to the bathroom & took an extremely loud, gaseous dump with the door open. If he'd done that before they were married, he might be an ex-boyfriend by now. (Or maybe not; but just sayin.) )
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on August 27, 2014 at 9:03 AM · Report this
Helix 21
Pining over someone because they're ultra hot is a waste of energy. You should pine over people who are awesome for other reasons. Time and tide wait for no one, and eventually we all end up looking like old handbags.
Posted by Helix on August 27, 2014 at 10:01 AM · Report this
AFinch 22
@10 - What is MGTOW?

For all the whinging about people wanting to fall in reciprocated love with someone 'beautiful', it does seem not just reasonable, but kind of important that you are [strongly?] physically attracted to your partner. You're not doing anybody (yourself or your partner) a favor by falling in love with their "inner beauty" while feeling at best tepid about and therefore neglectful of their outer selves. She is right to keep looking.

I too think she ought to keep him in her solodex...what a wonderful word! I have at least a couple of hot and bitchy (and on this I will agree with @17) exes with whom I have better fantasy sex than it ever was in reality. Hot people tend to be bad in bed too.
Posted by AFinch on August 27, 2014 at 10:12 AM · Report this
rob! 23
Solodex is indeed a wonderful word; it made me think of Soloflex, which reminds me in turn of a particularly attractive physical specimen who appears to have been rotten at the core: http://www.nightcharm.com/2011/01/24/fly…
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on August 27, 2014 at 10:34 AM · Report this
24
As long as this woman obsessing over/pining for this "demigod", she is a disaster (now and in the future) for anyone she has a relationship with or heaven forbid marries. Granted their are and would be exceptions, but as she admits this is totally unfair to her current and future partners (unless she is in an open or polyamorous relationship/marriage). Even then her primary emotional relationship would be with this. Relationships are hard enough and require real commitment and work to sustain. Something I doubt she she is capable of. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship/marriage with the attitude that she "settled' for me. That is so such a 1950's/60's attitude to have.
Posted by beentheredonethatgotthetshirt on August 27, 2014 at 10:43 AM · Report this
25
As long as this woman is obsessing over/pining for this "demigod", she is a disaster (now and in the future) for anyone she has a relationship with or heaven forbid marries. Granted there are and would be exceptions, but as she admits this is totally unfair to her current and future partners (unless she is in an open or polyamorous relationship/marriage). Even then her primary emotional relationship would be with her (narcistic/god's gift to women) prince charming. Relationships are hard enough and require real commitment and work to sustain. Something I doubt she she is capable of. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship/marriage with the attitude that she "settled' for me. That is so such a 1950's/60's attitude to have.

Absent evidence to the contrary, I concur with #17. She is most likely not an A - lister consorting with one or one who thinks he is. I am curious as to how old he is. She could wind up with some like Jack Nicholson (as he is now, creepliy hitting on Jennifer Lawrence)
Posted by beentheredonethatgotthetshirt on August 27, 2014 at 11:00 AM · Report this
26
@22, I agree to the extent that she should only pursue relationships with people to whom she's attracted. If after 30 you can't get turned on (need it be said that that's different from finding someone physically beautiful?) by anyone who isn't a (physical) perfect 10, you're going to be rather lonely, since your pool of potential mates will be quite small. Also, what @21 said. Even the hottest of the hot get sick, have children, experience gravity, etc. Only liking "pretty" is short sighted and impractical long term.
Posted by Beastly on August 27, 2014 at 11:03 AM · Report this
trollstalker 27
Dick is abundant and low value.
Posted by trollstalker on August 27, 2014 at 11:05 AM · Report this
28
@14 Technically you're right, but misuse of "whom" is rampant and awful. Take out the phrase "I think" and the word "who" becomes correct.
Posted by pemulis on August 27, 2014 at 11:23 AM · Report this
29
"A courteous person would've sent pics from multiple angles. "

Priceless.

@6 for the laugh.

Advice to this woman; never date/sleep with anyone prettier than you. Never works.
Posted by westello on August 27, 2014 at 2:23 PM · Report this
30
Ms Cute - If he were genuinely stupid, I should only think worse of LW's understanding than I now do of her heart. (You get the reference, of course.)

Mr Finch - Yours is the subjective beautiful, and the LW's is the "objective". She sees herself being with someone in the top 1%/5%/10% physically (depending on where one sets the bar for beauty), while not seeming quite to match that mentally - or, to adapt Mr Ramsay's alphabet, she's an R who feels entitled to an X.

MGTOWs are Men Going Their Own Way - heterosexual men who, finding the odds in opposite-sex relationships insufficiently to their liking, have given up at the very least marriage and usually a good deal more besides. While this would not be at all objectionable if they would just give up women and then go forth into fabulous or dreary lives, they feel impelled to prove their heterosexuality by making a lot of Youtube videos and blog posts about how terrible women are and how feminism has taken over and poisoned society - not, for many of them, that traditionalist society was all that great for men either.
Posted by vennominon on August 27, 2014 at 6:32 PM · Report this
31
Dude, vennominon, she specifically says the subjective beautiful. It's right there in the letter: "someone who I think is beautiful."
Posted by SarahTheUnstoppable on August 28, 2014 at 3:58 PM · Report this
32
The letter writer is pretty dense. The guy she is interested in is no different than she is.

LW is sleeping with people while holding out for someone better.

The guy is willing to sleep with her while he holds out for someone better.

Either she understands and is comfortable with that, or she isn't - but she should understand that the odds that he falls in love with her are about as good as the odds she falls in love with any of her 2nd choices.
Posted by biggie on August 29, 2014 at 11:25 AM · Report this

Add a comment

Commenting on this item is available only to registered commenters.
Advertisement

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC
1535 11th Ave (Third Floor), Seattle, WA 98122
Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy