by Dan Savage
on Wed, Aug 6, 2014 at 4:29 PM
I am a man that identifies as bisexual. I am very attracted to women. I also find myself attracted to men—although I have had very few sexual interactions with men. I’ve expressed this interest to my wife, which has caused much difficulty and discomfort over the last two or three years. When we first got married, we hadn’t discussed our opinions of extramarital sex. We were rather absorbed in each other. We’ve been married for five years now. I expressed an interest in my wife exploring extramarital sexual experiences and, with the exception of one or two, she’s enjoyed them all. But she gets very upset every time I broach the subject of my participation in one of these extramarital experiences—jealous, hurt, angry, etc. I am in love with my wife and am excited when she is excited, even if it is by somebody else. I believe she loves me, but I am very turned off by her jealousy. She has accommodated my interest in men by buying a strap-on and fucking me with it, but her rhythm is off because she’s not feeling it and doesn’t enjoy it; this makes it hard for me to enjoy it. I don’t feel like I’m out of line expressing my desire for some man-on-me time, but I don’t know how to present this without making her upset. Obviously the subject matter upsets her, but I don’t want a marriage where I can’t be myself and can’t be honest with my partner. Am I out of line? Is there something I could say to my wife? I know she is entitled to have a marriage she is happy with, but I want it to be with me and she says she does too. Thanks for any advice.
Man On Me
My response after the jump…
When you wrote, "I expressed an interest in my wife exploring extramarital sexual experiences," what you meant was, "It turned me on to think about my wife fucking other guys and I urged her to do it and she tried it and she liked it and she's still doing it."
That is what you meant, right? That is how it went down?
If so, MOM, it’s possible that your wife sees your current arrangement—she gets to fuck other people, you don’t—as fundamentally-if-paradoxically fair: She’s doing something that you wanted her to do because it turns you on (fucking other people), but she doesn’t want you doing something that she doesn’t want you to do because it turns her off (fucking other people).
But your wife’s extramarital experiences don’t sound like drudgery and/or altruism—she isn’t fucking other people just to turn you on. She presumably enjoys the sex she gets to have with other people, MOM, and that’s your leverage. Tell her that if she wants to continue fucking other people with your okay then she has to allow you to do the same. If she can’t do that—by now she can surely see that it’s possible for a married person to have purely recreational, nonthreatening, nothing-to-be-jealous-about sex with other people!—then you want to go back to strict and strictly mutual monogamy.
If she agrees to go back to monogamy, MOM, you’ll lose whatever it is that turns you on about your wife fucking other people—whether it's the hotwife angle (pride) or the cuckold angle (humiliation)—but that’s a risk you’ll have to take to get the man-on-you time that you want. Another risk you’ll have to take: braving her anger and her jealousy. So long as your wife can successfully shut down the conversation by getting jealous and angry, MOM, she’ll play up the anger and jealousy. To get an answer out of her one way or the other about what she wants going forward—a monogamous marriage or an open one—stop searching for a way to "present this without making her upset" and be blunt and direct about what you want and about what's fair.
P.S. You could've given some more thought to your acronym, MOM.