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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Tough Choice

Posted by on Tue, Aug 5, 2014 at 1:59 PM

Long story short: I have a vanilla husband and I have fallen in love with my BDSM Master. I'm not sure what my next step should be and I'm having endless vacillations on everything.

Long story long: I met my husband when I was 19 and still a virgin. We've been together 15 years. I've been actively kinky for about 13 years. I've had his permission to seek play partners for impact scenes only. I love him very much and I have always wanted to be an excellent wife and have a good marriage. I have been on perfect behavior till this year.

My Husband (MH) knew alcohol was a problem for me, yet he's become a heavy drinker. He's cheated on me twice—once with a relative. There has also been some guy-on-guy activity. I've tried to forgive him but he wouldn't do the things I requested. MH has also had a DUI to the tune of $9000 in legal bills and then came home from the court house with beer. He won't stand up for me including some serious incidents like assault/near rape by a friend of his. Or the time he made us homeless and MH stayed warm with a friend where I wasn't allowed so I slept alone in a cold car.

The rest of this epic letter—and my response—after the jump...

MH doesn't like affection or cuddling or PDA. Sex life is maybe fingering once every three months. Often times when I ask for things—please get some moving boxes or massage a sore part of my body for a short amount of time—he just flat out says no. Won't communicate at all. MH plays anywhere from 10-40 hours a week of video games and spends hours on the computer watching Youtube. During one memorable conversation MH acknowledged that I have been very giving and long suffering in a one-sided way and that no he has not been giving back and then the conversation was done and nothing changed.

All this makes MH sound bad. But he is a good person and he is my best friend. I've tried to fix things and go on but now I lack trust. When things are good we laugh and play games together and watch TV. He can be thoughtful and supportive. But I feel like the other shoe can drop anytime. Good is good but so many needs aren't being met. But I do love him and I cant seem to make any decisions and its tearing me up inside and I feel icky about my own behavior. I cant even decide if I should feel icky or not?! MH is gone 2 days a week drinking, he lets me do this—he lets me have a BDSM Master—and he must suspect at this point that more than spanking could be going on but he doesn't seem to care. He also doesn't want to know details but I know that if he found out he would consider what I'm doing cheating.

Contrast my marriage with my relationship with my Master. We have been together for a year. I live with him three days a week. I love him so much it is breathtaking. We play 1-3 times a week in public and 1-2 times in private, and go to munches, events and demos. He is generous and genuinely cares about my well being. I trust him. He's patient and kind. He doesn't drink. Tons of cuddling and affection, and massages! Quite sensual and sexual. Very dominant but stands up for me. He's trying to improve my self-esteem. He says I need to know I'm awesome.

My Master loves my cooking and says I'm the best sub he's every had. I ask for something and he says yes and it literally shocks me. (I can ask a Dominant man to please pick up shampoo on the way home?) My Master allows me to have friends. I went from the zero friends MH allowed me to twenty four friends! When MH wouldn't give me $30 to cover a copay charge when I was ill so my Master covered it. He does so much for me that sometimes I wonder what he gets out of it! But he says that he is the happiest he's ever been in his entire life and he values my play, my submission, my domestic abilities, and my help managing a complicated health problem of his.

The dilemma is things can continue just as they are. I feel dishonest, spread thin, shell-shocked, and bereft. Do I force MH into counseling? And then what? Do I ask for an open relationship or a divorce or what? Or do I just suck it up until some drama happens? I don't want to give up being a good wife but I also know I cant give up being loved, being kinky, being cared for, and having friends. I love striving to be an excellent slave to my Master. Have I tried hard enough? How can I give up?

Lost Over Vacillations Endlessly

A man who drinks, isolates you, cheats on you with your relatives, racks up DUIs, fingerfucks you four times a year, and fails to intervene when his friends nearly rape you—but who allows you to engage in BDSM play with others—or a man who appreciates you, supports you, encourages you to have friends, and shares your kinks.

That's a tough one.

If you want my permission to divorce your husband, LOVE, you've got it. Divorce your husband. You say your husband is a good person and that he's your best friend—the former is hard to believe, the latter is simply mystifying—but guess what? He'll continue to be a good person after you divorce him, LOVE, and salvaging a friendship shouldn't be that difficult as your relationship with MH already sounds more like a friendship than a marriage, i.e., you hang out a few times a week, you never have sex (save those rare fingerfuckings). So why not make it official and end your marriage already?

Because you don't want to "give up being a good wife." I don't see why not, LOVE. MH hasn't been a good husband, and at this point you're just throwing good wife after bad. Or something. (Forgive me: It's the cocktail hour here.) And "good wives" don't have BDSM Masters with whom they sleep three nights a week. So maybe it's time to let go of the good wife thing and get on with the good life thing. Or something.

Good luck.


Comments (40) RSS

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If he is a good guy and a friend of any sort, then 1+1=Michigan
Posted by Frank Rizzo on August 5, 2014 at 2:10 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 2
It sounds to me like the husband is not-so-subtly urging the wife to divorce him.

Tell him you want a divorce. His reaction might be (un)surprisingly compliant.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on August 5, 2014 at 2:20 PM · Report this
Yes, leave your husband while you still don't have kids together (at least that's what I assume from the fact that both husband & wife are gone 2 or 3 days a week). Your issues with his drinking and the lack of a sexual connection make that clear.

But don't leave him for your Master. You don't know how that relationship will change once your marriage is over. You're still in the NRE (new relationship energy) phase with your Master, and you can't yet judge how suitable he is as a partner for you.

So leave your husband, live by yourself for a while (or with housemates), and figure out more about who you are before you get too serious about anyone else. (You can still date Master, just don't move in with him.)
Posted by EricaP on August 5, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
Hmm. Yesterday and today, both DTMFAs.

At least she didn't start like yesterday's letter writer who's been reading Dan every week yet strangely never figured out where DMTFA applies.
Posted by delta35 on August 5, 2014 at 2:59 PM · Report this
typo, DTMFA applies
Posted by delta35 on August 5, 2014 at 3:00 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 6
as always, I think "where do they find the time?"
Posted by Max Solomon on August 5, 2014 at 3:04 PM · Report this
Dougsf 7
I dunno guys, sometimes having that first kid has a way of sorting all this stuff out.
Posted by Dougsf on August 5, 2014 at 3:29 PM · Report this
She should chuck the husband regardless of the Dom. It sounds like the husband has been given a million chances already. If he can sleep soundly while she's freezing in the car—neither taking her side with his host nor adding his own body heat to the cramped back seat nor waiting for alternate arrangements—then he takes his spousal duties far less seriously than she takes hers. However, I'd advise LW to wait a while before committing to a romantic relationship (note I said committing and romantic) with the BDSM master. She should let her emotions shake out first and figure out who she is on her own.
Posted by DRF on August 5, 2014 at 3:57 PM · Report this
I agree that a little time on her own would be good for her. She's spent her entire adult life with this jackass, and that's going to have coloured her ideas about, well, everything. What she really wants out of life, what her strengths are, what her dealbreakers are, who she is .....

Break up with your husband, keep seeing your Dom, and take a year making your own choices and fulfilling your own needs.
Posted by agony on August 5, 2014 at 4:53 PM · Report this
Actually, LOVE, it sounds as if you are a good wife--to your Master. He's a better "husband" than your legal husband (whom I'll call LH). Kick LH out--he can go stay with one of his asshole friends who wouldn't let you in the apartment (or was it hubby dearest who made you sleep in the car?) or any of his other asshole friends. Your LH may not beat you, but he sure does abuse you. He doesn't care enough about you to ensure that you get some happiness from the legal relationship.

Now it could be that your Master is content because he knows that the sort-of commitment you two have is as far as you go because of your legal entanglement (I refuse to call what you have with LH "marriage"). He can play at being husband/Master to you because it's only part-time.

I agree with the others that you should spend some time alone before diving into any other romantic entanglement. You don't know how your Master will react when you cut LH loose. And given that LH has been your own relationship, you don't know what a healthy one looks like.

Good luck!
Posted by DanielleinDC on August 5, 2014 at 5:50 PM · Report this
Dump him for you, honey. You're worth it. Keep serving your dom if you need the wifey fix, but toss that toxic drunken bag of disrespect.
Posted by Jenkitty on August 5, 2014 at 5:54 PM · Report this
I hate to armchair diagnose someone. But MH:

- Does not want to have sex with his wife
- Is not affectionate with his wife
- Has history of cheating on her with men
- Drinks and plays video games to the extent you have to wonder if they're escapist for him.

There are a bunch of dots there which one could connect here, and coupled with the fact that they got together while very young, it's not completely unreasonable that her husband may be closeted to a certain extent.
Posted by R.Taylor on August 5, 2014 at 7:22 PM · Report this
Right royal mess you've got yourself in. I can't believe women are still putting up with these douch bags .. And that men are still behaving so badly. Step up; Men. Step up. And women, as soon as the benefits are outweighed by the shit; get the fuck out. No behaviour improves if you keep accepting it. Of course, one must do some fine tuning- but if the man isn't aware of the work he needs to do on himself, then it ain't worth the effort.
Dear girl. Walk away from this (husband) man. Done your yrs of wifely servitude. Walk away, very fucking quickly. Now.
Posted by LavaGirl on August 5, 2014 at 7:42 PM · Report this
Honestly, I think this letter must be fake. How could any woman put up with this guy's bullshit and still say she loves him? I would've been outta there the night he made me sleep in the fucking car.
Posted by bittermint on August 5, 2014 at 9:15 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 17
It's kinda earth-shattering to realize that "everything we thought was wrong". When you get together with someone while you're still young & sorting yourself out, it's hard to have any concept of what you'd be like without that person in your life.

The problem with telling LOVE to DTMFA, although I agree in spirit, is that if she's been isolated from her friend sby her husband, & pretty much the only friends she has are through her Master, then that's some pretty slim pickin's to have somewhere to *go*, once she leave her husband. Which I hope she does! There's bound to be people she could be happier with.

In an ideal world, LOVE would have family or a friend she can stay with while she recovers from the shock of the new, & the divorce, & everything. I think it'd be much healthier for her to have some time on her own before possibly committing to her Master full time. But if the choice for her is either/or, sure, "choose" the Master..just please, don't move in with him right away, if possible, LOVE.

Also, before you take this leap she should let her Master know, because it's easy to be super hot & everything on weekends because - like someone said above - the situation has self-imposed limits.

Posted by Eva Hopkins on August 5, 2014 at 9:21 PM · Report this
debug 18
@6 agreed.

I'm not sure if I should be jealous of their ample free time and energy or happy I'm so busy with job and family I don't have the time to get into so much trouble.
Posted by debug on August 5, 2014 at 9:24 PM · Report this

Too bad we didn't get the long story.
Posted by vennominon on August 5, 2014 at 11:14 PM · Report this
seandr 21
Your husband is gay, and you are stupid.
Posted by seandr on August 5, 2014 at 11:29 PM · Report this
seandr 22
@EricaP: But don't leave him for your Master.

I don't know about that. It's hard to imagine this one surviving all on her own.
Posted by seandr on August 5, 2014 at 11:31 PM · Report this
I have to agree with #3 and #9. DTMFA but don't jump into the dom's arms just yet.

LOVE is asking the wrong questions here. The question isn't 'how can I fix my marriage' [you can't unless hubby is willing to work with you] or 'should I leave my husband for another man', but 'why am I putting up with such bad behavior'?

I mean the hubby has shown time and time again that LOVE's well being doesn't matter to him. It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's playing HALO and watching GoT, if he's not there when the chips are down, and is willing to throw you under the bus to make his own situation easier, he's not worth it.
Posted by msanonymous on August 6, 2014 at 3:52 AM · Report this
ShifterCat 24
What is up with the recent letters from wives discussing how terribly their husbands treat them, and then adding, "He's my best friend"? Best friends are supposed to listen to, stand up for, and take care of each other.
Posted by ShifterCat on August 6, 2014 at 6:47 AM · Report this
Mr. Ven, are you planning to write up a HA response? Except for the LW wanting to be a "good wife," nothing else indicates the hetero nature of the marriage. Do you think our advice would be different if the LW were male? Or conversely if the LW's husband and Master were women? Would posters be more encouraging of trying open marriage? It seems like the drinking and poor sexual connection dooms the LW's marriage in any case.

But maybe if posters thought the LW were a guy, then we wouldn't see posts like @22.

Also wanted to say to bittermint @16, I'm sure there's more to the sleeping in the car story. Like she was banned from the friend's house for acting crazy, or something.
Posted by EricaP on August 6, 2014 at 7:41 AM · Report this
I give 3 to 1 odds the master is worse than hubby. Brand new to the scene and lives her life in a constant state of denial. I've seen that way to many times.
Posted by mage on August 6, 2014 at 8:02 AM · Report this
vitupera 27
MH is so cartoonishly villainous that I'm not sure this letter is real either. When you were homeless he secured a warm bed for himself but made you sleep in the car? In actual real fucking life?

Anyway, assuming it's all true, you should certainly divorce your husband at least a year ago (preferably you should've turned around and kept walking the moment he suggested the car as a solo camping experience). But for god's sake talk to your master, because you're considering an "open relationship" without any indication that your master wants an in any way altered relationship with you. Leave your husband for your own sake, and don't expect or force your D/s relationship to change.

P.S.: Gay sex counts as real sex. Your husband has cheated on you at least three times.
Posted by vitupera on August 6, 2014 at 8:18 AM · Report this
Allyn 28
You dear woman, I hope you're reading the comments here.

I have been married to an alcoholic and some of your complaints were my own. The isolation, the blaming, the lack of care... he will not get better. He cannot get better. He is incapable of change. Leave him and do not look back (and do not have three kids with him). Leave. Now. You are so far into this, you cannot see how messed up this relationship is. Leave, get perspective.

If your Master wants you to live with him, go for it, but consider living on your own and having relationships while living on your own. Doing so helped me regain the confidence lost during a too-long marriage to a drunk.

Leave your husband. He is heartbreak and financial ruin to you. Leave.
Posted by Allyn on August 6, 2014 at 8:30 AM · Report this
Allyn 29
@27 no. It can seem cartoonish, but after having been married to a drunk for a decade, I can attest that some messed up shit happens when you're in the middle of it and you don't even realize how messed up it is until you've gained distance and sanity.
Posted by Allyn on August 6, 2014 at 8:32 AM · Report this
AmyC 30
Honey, it's okay. You're gonna be okay. You need to leave your husband; I know it's tough to see right now, but you'll get a bit of distance and realize you had every right to leave and no reason at all to feel guilty about doing it.

Keep seeing the dom, since he makes you happy, but I - a lot of us here - encourage you to be on your own for a bit. You were with your husband your whole adult life, and now you need to find out just who you are yourself and exactly how much awesomeness you're capable of. It'll be really hard at first, but it'll get easier, you'll be really glad you did.

DTMFA. Hang in there, sister.
Posted by AmyC on August 6, 2014 at 9:19 AM · Report this
Ms Erica - I first saw both this letter and the previous day's letter well after midnight. My Homocentric August instinct was that they both provided excellent evidence for the argument that heterosexuality (or opposite-sexerism, if we're being explicitly bi-inclusive) is *not a choice* because who on earth (other than the Masochist of the Millenium) would ever choose a relationship (let alone a lifestyle) like either this or the one from the previous letter? Not wanting to risk the doubtful state of my post-1:00 am coherence, I settled for a non-HA observation.
Posted by vennominon on August 6, 2014 at 10:39 AM · Report this
EricaP, I'm not sure why you leap to ' banned from the friend's house for acting crazy,' with not a lot of evidence of inappropriate behavior from LW.

Given the contents of the letter, I'm leaning more toward 'LW objects when MH and friend get shit-faced, and is labeled a harpy shrew'.
Posted by clashfan on August 6, 2014 at 10:48 AM · Report this
@clashfan, sure, your interpretation makes sense. I do wish the LW would explain what happened, that time "he made us homeless and MH stayed warm with a friend where I wasn't allowed so I slept alone in a cold car."

Was it one night or was it longer? What does "homeless" mean in context -- did he get them kicked out of a hotel for excessive partying? Had they been fighting? Had she been drinking too? ("My Husband (MH) knew alcohol was a problem for me.") How cold did it get that night?

Another point I would love to hear explained: "I went from the zero friends MH allowed me to twenty four friends!"

Apparently MH let her have BDSM play partners for thirteen years but wouldn't allow any friendships. And now that she spends three days a week with her master, she does have 24 friends. Does she keep the friends hidden from MH, or does she just call them play partners so MH doesn't suspect her of having friends? I'm so confused...
Posted by EricaP on August 6, 2014 at 12:18 PM · Report this
Bad Husband = Do What You Want. Okay? And of course, you remain free of Responsibility and Accountability, as always.
Posted by parisimo on August 6, 2014 at 12:57 PM · Report this
Zeekoe 35
@32 My thoughts as well. That or the friend who wouldn't let her in the apartment either is or is close with the friend who assaulted/attempted to rape her and was holding a grudge over the accusation. Not sure why "has a dick friend who won't offer his wife a couch to sleep on" is any less believable than the many other shit qualities described in the letter--like fucking her relatives, racking up expensive DUI-related legal bills, and not giving a shit when his friends assault her.

Letter writer: like everyone else said: leave the husband. You say you have 24 friends now, who (even better!) you did not meet through your husband and will have no loyalty to him. I bet at least one of them will let you stay on their couch while you do whatever you need to do to start supporting yourself and living on your own, whether that's finding a job/car/apartment or just getting your head together.
Posted by Zeekoe on August 6, 2014 at 1:10 PM · Report this
Abusive marriage is abusive. Get out.
Posted by DC270 on August 6, 2014 at 1:36 PM · Report this
Ophian 37
For some reason I'm feeling a whole lot better about my life right now.
Posted by Ophian on August 6, 2014 at 3:11 PM · Report this
I'm a bit shocked to see Erica bring out the old 'she must be lying' chestnut. I mean the husband doesn't give a shit about her so why would his friends? And I'll point out that one of these friends attempted to rape her, making me that he's not hanging out with good people.

I have to agree ith @32 and @35. If she was kicked out for 'acting crazy' that may really mean she was kicked out for wanting her husband to take responsibility for his actions and to treat her like a person.
Posted by msanonymous on August 6, 2014 at 8:17 PM · Report this
@16, you'd be surprised at how many women insist they love their shitheel husbands/boyfriends in spite of the horrible treatment they dish out. This is probably especially true when it's her first (only) adult relationship.

I don't know whether LH is gay or is just a truly inconsiderate jerk, but her relationship with her dom has showed her what a good relationship can be like.
Posted by DanielleinDC on August 6, 2014 at 8:32 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 43
How was she not "allowed" in her husband's friend's house? I don't understand. Did the friend say, "yeah, you can sleep here, but your wife has to sleep in the car?" Or was it the husband who didn't allow her into the friend's house? Either way, that's super fucked up.
Posted by Sea Otter on August 7, 2014 at 8:56 AM · Report this
sissoucat 44
@43 Most probably the husband and the "friend" fucked that night, and neither of them wanted her in the house.

As for fucked up things one does when being manipulated, I did knowingly receive my husband's mistress family (mistress, husband of mistress, 3 kids) over new year's eve 2006. Why ? Mr Fuckbrain had me believe that the alternative was taking me and our 3 kids, among them an 8-month toddler, to the mistress's house, and leave the baby there overnight if he went to sleep. Hurt me or abandon my baby ? The choice is clear, please do hurt me.

Besides, I needed a wake-up call on how fucked and egocentric he was. After that went through, I was never anymore in any doubt over who was the real bad spouse in our marriage.
Posted by sissoucat on August 7, 2014 at 12:31 PM · Report this
I agree with EricaP pretty much the whole way through these comments. And she hasn't said "she must be lying," she's said there's a lot of information missing here, which is true. There are a number of plausible explanations for why she was compelled to sleep in a cold car while her husband stayed with a friend, and some of them include the husband's friends banning her for previous behavior; I do think it's very possible that what they'd consider "crazy" is just the LW standing up for herself/calling out her husband for his shitty behavior. However, all of this is speculation, because the LW gave us very little information regarding that incident.
Posted by chicago girl on August 10, 2014 at 11:00 AM · Report this
undead ayn rand 46
@38: "I'm a bit shocked to see Erica bring out the old 'she must be lying' chestnut."

Why? She generally tends to stick up for the husbands in these situations.
Posted by undead ayn rand on August 16, 2014 at 3:19 PM · Report this

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