by Dan Savage
on Tue, Aug 5, 2014 at 1:59 PM
Long story short: I have a vanilla husband and I have fallen in love with my BDSM Master. I'm not sure what my next step should be and I'm having endless vacillations on everything.
Long story long: I met my husband when I was 19 and still a virgin. We've been together 15 years. I've been actively kinky for about 13 years. I've had his permission to seek play partners for impact scenes only. I love him very much and I have always wanted to be an excellent wife and have a good marriage. I have been on perfect behavior till this year.
My Husband (MH) knew alcohol was a problem for me, yet he's become a heavy drinker. He's cheated on me twice—once with a relative. There has also been some guy-on-guy activity. I've tried to forgive him but he wouldn't do the things I requested. MH has also had a DUI to the tune of $9000 in legal bills and then came home from the court house with beer. He won't stand up for me including some serious incidents like assault/near rape by a friend of his. Or the time he made us homeless and MH stayed warm with a friend where I wasn't allowed so I slept alone in a cold car.
The rest of this epic letter—and my response—after the jump...
MH doesn't like affection or cuddling or PDA. Sex life is maybe fingering once every three months. Often times when I ask for things—please get some moving boxes or massage a sore part of my body for a short amount of time—he just flat out says no. Won't communicate at all. MH plays anywhere from 10-40 hours a week of video games and spends hours on the computer watching Youtube. During one memorable conversation MH acknowledged that I have been very giving and long suffering in a one-sided way and that no he has not been giving back and then the conversation was done and nothing changed.
All this makes MH sound bad. But he is a good person and he is my best friend. I've tried to fix things and go on but now I lack trust. When things are good we laugh and play games together and watch TV. He can be thoughtful and supportive. But I feel like the other shoe can drop anytime. Good is good but so many needs aren't being met. But I do love him and I cant seem to make any decisions and its tearing me up inside and I feel icky about my own behavior. I cant even decide if I should feel icky or not?! MH is gone 2 days a week drinking, he lets me do this—he lets me have a BDSM Master—and he must suspect at this point that more than spanking could be going on but he doesn't seem to care. He also doesn't want to know details but I know that if he found out he would consider what I'm doing cheating.
Contrast my marriage with my relationship with my Master. We have been together for a year. I live with him three days a week. I love him so much it is breathtaking. We play 1-3 times a week in public and 1-2 times in private, and go to munches, events and demos. He is generous and genuinely cares about my well being. I trust him. He's patient and kind. He doesn't drink. Tons of cuddling and affection, and massages! Quite sensual and sexual. Very dominant but stands up for me. He's trying to improve my self-esteem. He says I need to know I'm awesome.
My Master loves my cooking and says I'm the best sub he's every had. I ask for something and he says yes and it literally shocks me. (I can ask a Dominant man to please pick up shampoo on the way home?) My Master allows me to have friends. I went from the zero friends MH allowed me to twenty four friends! When MH wouldn't give me $30 to cover a copay charge when I was ill so my Master covered it. He does so much for me that sometimes I wonder what he gets out of it! But he says that he is the happiest he's ever been in his entire life and he values my play, my submission, my domestic abilities, and my help managing a complicated health problem of his.
The dilemma is things can continue just as they are. I feel dishonest, spread thin, shell-shocked, and bereft. Do I force MH into counseling? And then what? Do I ask for an open relationship or a divorce or what? Or do I just suck it up until some drama happens? I don't want to give up being a good wife but I also know I cant give up being loved, being kinky, being cared for, and having friends. I love striving to be an excellent slave to my Master. Have I tried hard enough? How can I give up?
Lost Over Vacillations Endlessly
A man who drinks, isolates you, cheats on you with your relatives, racks up DUIs, fingerfucks you four times a year, and fails to intervene when his friends nearly rape you—but who allows you to engage in BDSM play with others—or a man who appreciates you, supports you, encourages you to have friends, and shares your kinks.
That's a tough one.
If you want my permission to divorce your husband, LOVE, you've got it. Divorce your husband. You say your husband is a good person and that he's your best friend—the former is hard to believe, the latter is simply mystifying—but guess what? He'll continue to be a good person after you divorce him, LOVE, and salvaging a friendship shouldn't be that difficult as your relationship with MH already sounds more like a friendship than a marriage, i.e., you hang out a few times a week, you never have sex (save those rare fingerfuckings). So why not make it official and end your marriage already?
Because you don't want to "give up being a good wife." I don't see why not, LOVE. MH hasn't been a good husband, and at this point you're just throwing good wife after bad. Or something. (Forgive me: It's the cocktail hour here.) And "good wives" don't have BDSM Masters with whom they sleep three nights a week. So maybe it's time to let go of the good wife thing and get on with the good life thing. Or something.