Okay, so just to let you know... I'M FURIOUS!!! I just got off the phone with a "customer service representative" (psssshht! Right!) who informed me the bouncy house I ordered wouldn't be available for my upcoming party! (Look... you don't need to know why I want a bouncy house. My sex life is my business.)

ANYWAY! I ordered the bouncy house online and paid the deposit, but now they claim my bouncy house isn't in stock! So I was like, "NOT my problem, bouncy house people! YOU promised me a bouncy house... so rent a bouncy house from another bouncy house place and fulfill the bouncy house promise you made to ME, your bouncy house customer!" The customer service person paused and said, "Umm... we're not gonna do that. No bouncy house for you."

NO BOUNCY HOUSE FOR ME???

Nobody... and I mean freaking NOBODY denies me a bouncy house! I'm an entitled US citizen, mother-effers! If a mentally damaged hayseed can buy a gun that his mentally damaged kids use to accidentally kill their mentally damaged siblings, then I should be able to get a bouncy house ON DEMAND. And that, my friends, is the goddamn problem with America today: "Customer service" is a goddamn JOKE, and the only way to get what you want is by somehow cracking their "secret code."

For example! Many of you say you'd love to watch HBO—but you refuse to purchase an entire cable package. For years, we've had to pay scads of money for disgusting channels (looking at you, TLC) featuring disgusting programs (looking at you, Duck Dynasty) that we'd never, ever watch. Happily, however, things may be starting to change...

Realizing many of their customers are ditching cable to haphazardly find shows on Netflix or torrent sites, some cable companies are quietly adding packages, allowing you to order HBO and basic internet service alone. But obviously, they still want you to pay a buttload of money, so they're not going to volunteer the information. (Bastards!!)

That's why I was psyched to see Geoffrey A. Fowler's article for the Wall Street Journal, "The Secret Code for Getting HBO Without Cable TV," in which he figured out the "code" (or package names) you can drop to score these sweet deals. For example, with Comcast, if you only want internet, a few basic channels, and HBO, then you order the "Internet Plus" package. Likewise, with Time Warner Cable, you would request "Starter TV+HBO and an Internet Plan." With AT&T U-verse, you ask for "HBO Internet Plus," while with Verizon FiOS, you have to order the mind-numbingly wordy "50/25 Mbps + Local News and Sports + HBO (or Showtime)" package.

Naturally, your helpful "customer service agent" will try to confuse you into purchasing a more expensive package—but, as Fowler says, just keep asking for "internet and HBO." Eventually, you'll annoy them into acquiescence. Now, if you'll excuse me, this article has inspired me to call the bouncy house company back and get the bouncy house I deserve! Here's the secret code I'm gonna use: "If you get me the bouncy house, I'll let you have sex in it, too... okay?!?"