Madison Beach sounds pretty good right about now.
  • Kelly O
  • Madison Beach sounds pretty good right about now.

It's going to be hotter than Hades in Seattle this weekend—the National Weather Service is shouting out an EXCESSIVE HEAT WATCH—and we Pacific Northwest natives are already TOO HOT and VERY CRANKY. Sorry, what's that? You moved here from somewhere else, and you don't think this...

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT
  • wunderground.com
  • HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT

...is hot? Feel free to go back where you came from and fry an egg on the sidewalk or whatever, or complain in comments. Heat actually makes you stupid—science says so (and says to put an ice-pack on the back of your neck). And the thing is, most residences in Seattle do not have air conditioning, and people from Seattle just aren't used to HOT HOT HOT. So, speaking of A/C...

• Here is a list of Seattle restaurants and bars with air conditioning—go unto them and experience the very same comfort you'd be experiencing right now anywhere indoors in Arizona! Places with green stars are Stranger recommended.

The deck at the Twilight Exit is so sun-drenched, they sell cheap sunglasses ($2!). Also, give me that beer NOW.
  • Kelly O
  • The deck at the Twilight Exit is so sun-drenched, they sell cheap sunglasses ($2!). Also, give me that beer NOW.

What about outdoor seating, for those who want to fully experience the richness of the heatwave but would like to do so under an umbrella with a cold drink in their hand? Presciently, in the very issue of The Stranger that's baking in newspaper boxes all over town right now, we have a guide to Seattle's best decks. Timing! Look:

• Here are Seattle’s Greatest New Decks!

• Here are Seattle’s Greatest Classic Decks!

• Here are places you can Do It on the Rooftop!

This smart dog is heading toward the patio at the Station on Beacon Hill, which is one of Seattle’s Least Expected Great Decks.
  • The Stranger
  • This smart dog is heading toward the patio at the Station on Beacon Hill, which is one of Seattle’s Least Expected Great Decks.

• Here are Seattle’s Least Expected Great Decks!

• And here are Seattle’s Worst (But Still Kind of Great, Because They’re Still Decks) Decks!

• And here is a list of Seattle restaurants and bars with outdoor seating—go unto them, and please alternate one glass of water for each icy alcoholic beverage, my friends—you'll thank me later.

Speaking of the perils of alcohol-related dehydration, this debate may help you make some Hotpocalypse-2014-related decisions: Drinking Outside Versus Pot Outside: Which Is the Greatest?


And speaking of drinking and smoking pot in public in the city of Seattle, both of those are technically illegal and could be subject to a fine. But! The fine is only $27, and the cops are expected to warn you the first time. (How about some chilled red wine in the park? Seriously, it's really good! Or rosé—rosé is always lovely.) Use an opaque cup, be well-behaved, and if do you get a consuming-pot-or-alcohol-in-public fine, please get the officer's badge number and let us know. The Seattle Police have much—MUCH—more important stuff to be working on. On that note: We’re Not Saying You SHOULD Do Anything Illegal Outside, but if You Were Going to...


Would you like something sweet and cold, there, hottie? These are the places in Seattle to get ice cream (and these are the Stranger recommended places in Seattle to get ice cream). And have you tried the excellent not-legally-allowed-to-be-called-popsicles® of Six Strawberries?! They're really good, and look how cute the Six Strawberries people are:

FROZEN DESSERT ON A STICK Vanessa Resler and Will Lemke do it right.
  • Kelly O
  • FROZEN DESSERT ON A STICK Vanessa Resler and Will Lemke do it right.

Apropos of it being TOO GODDAMN HOT, here are Slog's helpful answers to this burning question: Will Dark or Light Curtains Better Stop My Apartment from Broiling Me Alive?

Better yet, friends, leave your apartment to its own devices and go to one of Seattle's awesome beaches. Or public pools! (Jen Graves especially recommends beautiful, outdoor Colman Pool.) Or to the cool, cool public library—UPDATE! all but the the Fremont, Green Lake Northeast, Queen Anne, and West Seattle branches are air-conditioned.

This is Madison Beach, too. Click on the picture for more inspiring photos.
  • Kelly O
  • This is Madison Beach, too. Click on the picture for more inspiring photos.

Okay, just this: water sports. (Not that kind.)

Cool off and goof off at an arcade (some have beer!).

What is the best food to eat when you're so hot, you're really not hungry at all? Thai food, you guys. Also nice cool sushi. And, furthermore, Vietnamese food—one of those cold noodle bowls with the shrimp and egg roll on top sounds exactly right at this moment. (Showing only Stranger recommended here—did we miss your favorite? Scream in comments). Or get up early, when it's not too hot to cook, and make a big pot of vichyssoise.

What got left out here? Lots of stuff, I'm sure. Put it in comments. Stay cool, friends, and see you at the lake!

UPDATE: OMG, the movies, duh! Heat really does make you dumb.