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Monday, June 16, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Buttrasta

Posted by on Mon, Jun 16, 2014 at 2:55 PM

Originally posted on January 25, 2012.

Have boyfriend. Several months. Love sex. First time we sixty-nine, I notice he has a little turtlehead sticking out. You get me? Second time, he has bits of toilet paper stuck in that area. CAN I ADDRESS THIS? And how do I do it without giving him a permanently flaccid penis? I love this man to pieces and know this is a humiliating topic. Please help!

Mired In The Mud

My response after the jump...

Got you. Wish didn't. But did.

If you don't have the nerve to speak up when someone is grinding shitbuds and dingleberries in the vicinity of your nostrils, MITM, I'm not sure there's anything I can say that's gonna help. But for what it's worth...

YES, YOU ADDRESS IT! IMMEDIATELY!

When someone pushes your face into a dirty asscrack—or allows you to place your face in the general vicinity of a dirty asscrack—you say something along the lines of "What the fuck, dude, go take a dump and jump in the shower! Christ!" His ego, to say nothing of his future erections, should be your least concern at a moment like that. So you say it without hesitation, without concern for his feelings, and you say it as you leap out of bed and reach for your shirt, pants, car keys, and phone. You don't just lie there pretending that his buttrasta isn't dangling over your nose. Even if he's never able to get another erection with you, MITM, he'll know to spot-check for cleanliness—are there no washcloths in Gilead?—before he crawls on top of anyone else.

 

Comments (40) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Someone is still 69'ing in real life? Good god, why?
Posted by Centrists Rule the World today on June 16, 2014 at 3:53 PM · Report this
fletc3her 2
Always start off by taking a shower together.
Posted by fletc3her on June 16, 2014 at 3:56 PM · Report this
tainte 4
GROSS
Posted by tainte on June 16, 2014 at 5:37 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 5
It is not actually that big a deal. The one time this ever happened to me I was like "um, no. You're going to have to wash that." He apologized, washed, and we resumed where we'd left off.
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on June 16, 2014 at 5:48 PM · Report this
milemarker 6
Gross. Get rid.
Posted by milemarker on June 16, 2014 at 5:49 PM · Report this
7
Unbelievably gross. This gay boy (old now) used to take tricks home and entice them into the shower straight away. I have to say that most gays I have encountered have very clean both themselves and their houses. I am sure there are exceptions, but I would guess they would be rare. Then again I am old, so I don't know what goes on now. I have heard straight women complain a bit though.
Posted by JJinAus on June 16, 2014 at 5:51 PM · Report this
8
grr, typo above. Should read *are very clean*
Posted by JJinAus on June 16, 2014 at 5:52 PM · Report this
9
@3 - because all the important parts of things are facing in the worst possible direction. does any guy really want his frenulum rubbed by the roof of his partner's mouth? and for the ladies, facing this way means your hood is to your partner's tongue like the heat shield of the space shuttle is to the atmosphere. i scientifically estimate that once someone has had almost any other form of sex, 69 gets tossed on the carnal trash heap more than 99 per cent of the time.
Posted by Centrists Rule the World today on June 16, 2014 at 6:01 PM · Report this
10
Am I the only one who thinks this guy gets off on having shit around his ass while his lady sucks his dick?
Posted by Ireadem'all on June 16, 2014 at 6:09 PM · Report this
The Beatles 11
When life gives you turtleheads, make turtle soup: Next time you 69, just nip it in the bud. Then snowball it back to him.
Posted by The Beatles on June 16, 2014 at 6:29 PM · Report this
seandr 12
@9: does any guy really want his frenulum rubbed by the roof of his partner's mouth

What the fuck are you talking about? This makes no sense. It doesn't happen during 69 or any other sexual act. At least those involving two human beings.

Get back to me when you've invented another way for me to have my face buried in the pussy of a woman who's sucking my cock. Until then, I'll make do with 69.
Posted by seandr on June 16, 2014 at 6:58 PM · Report this
13
I haven't always enjoyed 69 with every partner, but it's terrific with my husband. Sometimes I'll eat his ass while he's going down on me, and that works out nicely too. (As always, we shower beforehand, so there's no issue like the LW describes...)
Posted by hurrdahurr on June 16, 2014 at 7:31 PM · Report this
Ophian 14
+1 for sexy shower time before diving in. Then they are clean, and I know that I am too...no worries.

While I haven't had the LW's problem [I'd be mortified to think any of my partners had, and hadn't told me...like spinach in the teeth: I'd much rather the brief awkwardness of a heads-up, rather than extended, and indefinite embarrassment.], I did have an LTR who often scrubbed up beforehand, but sometimes didn't quite rinse enough. Instead of the pleasure of all-natural genital flavor, I got a mouthful of Irish Spring.

So, y'know...all things in moderation.

Posted by Ophian on June 16, 2014 at 7:39 PM · Report this
15
I get the mouthful of Irish Spring sometimes too, but ya gots to pick your battles... :)
Posted by hurrdahurr on June 16, 2014 at 7:46 PM · Report this
16
Mr Ophian - Ah, moderation! In all things ass, I find that's the best approach lest I indulge myself beyond the point of inebriation (and joyous salutation). Many a sphincter has been the "Irish Spring" of happy returns.
Posted by venomminon on June 16, 2014 at 10:13 PM · Report this
17
No Comment.
Posted by LavaGirl on June 16, 2014 at 11:44 PM · Report this
sissoucat 18
@12 Exactly. 69 is one of life's sweeter pleasures.

Strange that someone with "rule the world" in his handle hasn't yet found a partner who'd do a 69 on most-probably "him", in an enjoyable way.

@14 But then, with initiating sex in the shower, knowing of the problem, you could have rinsed your partner to your taste, or is that out of the question ? Is it private showers, or a commonly held shower ? I wouldn't have right before sex, a commonly held shower with someone I wasn't very familiar with, but we're talking about a LTR here ?

@16 As usual I'm afraid I don't get all of your post, but I think this time I shall let it pass without asking for further explanations. It seems enjoyable, though.
Posted by sissoucat on June 17, 2014 at 3:15 AM · Report this
19
Only a dude would have a turtlehead hanging out and not know it.

Men are fucking NASTY.
Posted by Confluence on June 17, 2014 at 6:04 AM · Report this
sissoucat 20
@19 Some males are fucking nasty and so are some females, you troll.

Posted by sissoucat on June 17, 2014 at 6:54 AM · Report this
debug 21
The turd is gross and confusing (how would you not know?) but TP particles can happen to anyone, especially women since they wipe instead of shake off the dew drops. Don't assume you haven't presented your lover with a spitball or two. Pretty solid advice to have both partners take a quick rinse before oral.

Posted by debug on June 17, 2014 at 7:57 AM · Report this
22
@ #10 Nope, I'm right there with you.
Posted by Jezabel on June 17, 2014 at 8:44 AM · Report this
Lance Thrustwell 23
All I know is, "grinding shitbuds" is my new favorite band name.
Posted by Lance Thrustwell on June 17, 2014 at 9:44 AM · Report this
The Beatles 24
@23 Well, whatever kind of outfit they turn out to be, they're bound to be better than Smashing Pumpkins or any other 90s alt-rock band with a gerund for a name.
Posted by The Beatles on June 17, 2014 at 10:07 AM · Report this
25
It really should be common sense to not present yourself for sex if you've taken a dump and have yet to shower. Toilet paper is only a temporary solution until a shower can be had. Bidets exist for a reason. I don't want someone's naked ass sitting on anything in my home if they need to wash it, to say nothing of having it near me. Who the fuck wants to go down on someone and smell their shithole wafting up past their balls? You don't tip toe around something like that.
Posted by Purist on June 17, 2014 at 4:19 PM · Report this
26
@25, why the fuck don't Americans have bidets? It would make all our lives so much easier.
Posted by chicago girl on June 17, 2014 at 4:56 PM · Report this
Ophian 27
Mr ven @16, *wink*

sissou @18, that was before I grocked the fun and utility of the sexy-time shower, so I didn't have any editorial say in her ablutions.

Lance @23, a great name, but it wouldn't work for my neo-baroque, a cappella power trio...or would it?

The @24, huh, I always took that form to be a present participle in an idiomatically truncated "band-name" context [as Jimmy Eat World is essentially a verbal formation (if not a gerundish one)], but I suppose reading it nominally makes more sense.
Posted by Ophian on June 17, 2014 at 5:21 PM · Report this
28
I've been on earth since the early Eisenhower administration, and have ample experience kissing the 7th planet--without the partner's showering beforehand. It is incredibly rare to get so much as a dingleberry.

@25: I'm guessing you have never had your nose down there. The anal area is a pheromonal hotspot, the scent of which is quite different from the smell of the stuff that comes out. The scent is generally like other places on your lover (axillaries, face, head, etc) only sexier.

I agree with the commenter who suggested that the guy was being disgusting on purpose.
Posted by David Holzman on June 18, 2014 at 7:51 AM · Report this
29
@12 - it doesn't make any sense? if you're 69'ing, the front of your penis is pointed away from your partner's tongue towards the roof of their mouth. tongues are soft and mobile. the roof of the mouth is the hard palette. sure, you can use your lips, but it's not the same. i stand by my original statement: 69 is an awkward compromise. i'd much rather give and receive oral separately and do it right/get it done right than try to do both at once.

And evidently you and @18 think my screen name means I think I rule the world and that someone who rules the world will use that power to find someone to 69 with. Wrong on both fronts... the name was a dig at a troll who was using it unregistered - not any statement about me or my status. and if i did rule the world, there are a lot of sexual acts i'd perfect before ordering anyone to get upside down and bring me to ecstasy.
Posted by Centrists Rule the World today on June 18, 2014 at 8:02 AM · Report this
Registered European 31
Asses should always be cleaned with water in addition to toilet paper. A bidet is not necessary, a bottle works fine.
Posted by Registered European on June 18, 2014 at 10:12 AM · Report this
32
@26 - I absolutely agree.

@29 - Wrong. A clean ass that has had time to replace the pheremones that were washed away is sexy. I don't find the smell or taste of soap to be sexy. A dirty ass does indeed smell like shit and can be smelled just from going down on them even though you are on the other side. This is all from experience. Wash your ass after taking a shit and the sooner the better so you'll have those natural pheremones in place by the time sex happens. Don't kid yourself about wiping being enough. You are just smearing shit around your hole until enough has been picked up to not be seen. That's if you have the hole of a baby and not a man's hole with hair that adds a whole level of complication. There is no excuse to present a hole with bits of shit and toilet paper stuck to it. Wash.
Posted by Purist on June 18, 2014 at 10:17 AM · Report this
33
@32: I agree with your last sentence, absolutely. And sure, if you wash and enough time (or sweaty physical activity) elapses so that there are pheromones, that works, too. All I'm saying is that from my experience kissing the 7th planet, if she wipes carefully, even if she has ample hair back there--which my lover does--having not showered or bathed is not a problem. And if my experience is typical, most women are careful back there. (I've always preferred derrieres with hair to those without, and I suspect it's because I associate the ones with hair with stronger scent. As with the axillaries, the hair is there to pick up scent.)
Posted by David Holzman on June 18, 2014 at 12:45 PM · Report this
robt vesco, jr. 34
If you have a turtlehead, you know it. How could you not? So, Mr Poop knows he has a dirty butt and a turtlehead. He gets off on this. Kinks are fine, but this one needs permission first. But maybe not seeking permission is the kink, or part of it.
Posted by robt vesco, jr. on June 18, 2014 at 1:16 PM · Report this
The Beatles 36
@27: It's possible that the grammatical form is open to interpretation. After all, the word "smashing" is a perfectly good adjective as well as an action verb. In all, I guess that ambiguity-- linguistic and otherwise--is sort of the point of alt-rock nomenclature.

@30: You're welcome.

Posted by The Beatles on June 18, 2014 at 6:52 PM · Report this
sissoucat 37
@Ophian

Ah, learning a new word today : "grock". A cursory check gave me this and this. Are both spellings considered correct nowadays or should I, as a foreigner, stick to "grok" ?
Posted by sissoucat on June 19, 2014 at 4:09 AM · Report this
sissoucat 38
@33 David Holzman

At last, an English-speaking man who says out loud that female fur is swell !

I remember my Austin choir teacher's quote, about some singing he found abhorrent : "two words folks : hairy legs". That was in the 90's.
Posted by sissoucat on June 19, 2014 at 4:17 AM · Report this
39
What's up with all that 7th planet BS? Sounds incredibly pretentious.
Posted by puddles on June 19, 2014 at 5:33 AM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 40
@37, as a long-time Heinlein fan who read the book when it was published, I think "grok" is the only acceptable spelling. But you know how kids these days are — nobody gives a shit about correct spelling any more.

Oh, and if you haven't read "Stranger in a Strange Land," you should. It's dated and sexist enough to make you cringe, but it's still a classic.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on June 19, 2014 at 6:03 AM · Report this
Cat in fez 41
@37 I know you asked Ophian, but I'd agree with 40: definitely 'grok'. It isn't massively current in mainstream American speech, I should say -- a little quirky.
Posted by Cat in fez on June 19, 2014 at 9:45 AM · Report this
Ophian 42
Yup. The error is mine. Grok is the only acceptable form. Also I second Fifty-Two-Eighty's endorsement of Stranger in a Strange Land.
Posted by Ophian on June 19, 2014 at 2:16 PM · Report this
sissoucat 43
Thanks guys, grok it is then. I'll see if I can find that book somewhere; I jus finished East of Eden last night.
Posted by sissoucat on June 21, 2014 at 5:36 AM · Report this

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