by Dan Savage
on Tue, Jun 10, 2014 at 3:17 PM
Within the last six months, with a little sexual exploration, I found out that I am kinky. I am a 35-year-old female and have been sexually conservative for most of my adult life. (I was even celibate for six years.) Finding out that I am kinky, I am a sub, and I love bondage play led to my finding incredible fulfillment experimenting with Doms. I actually entered a relationship with a Dom and lived with him for four months. The fit was surprising for me, and I felt the most happy and content I have ever felt in my life. Things went very quickly, we fell in love, we agreed on a period of exclusivity, and after a short time my Dom decided he wanted to change jobs and move away. He asked me to go with him and I said yes. However, my family panicked about me moving away after knowing someone for such a short period of time—and then I began to panic and I was triggered. (As a young woman I eloped with a man who turned out to be an abusive drug addict that I had to run for my life from.) Once triggered, I became hyper-vigilant, and the only thing I could do was run. I ran out on my Dom. And I wounded him deeply in doing so. We were not able to pick up the pieces after that. I still desire to work things out, but he says that he is done. Does this relationship have any hope? If so, how do we begin to pick up the pieces?
My response after the jump...
Here's what your partner—and he's your partner first, your Dom second—should have said to you, UF, after your family's panic induced your own: "I'm not the abusive person you had to run from. But even if you didn't have that shitbag in your past, honey/slave, it's perfectly understandable that you would get cold feet. I am asking a lot. So why don't you take some time to think about it, come visit/serve me in my new place after I'm settled, and then you can make a decision about moving."
But that's not what he said, UF.
Instead of reminding himself that you're new to Dom/sub relationships, relatively inexperienced romantically, and still working through What This All Means—instead of being the grownup here—your Dom tells you he's "wounded" and says he's done. And you know what? That's a pretty good indication that moving with him would've been a mistake. Dom or not, UF, any guy who gives you shit about panicking at the thought of leaving everyone you know behind to start a new life with him somewhere else—after only knowing him for 16 weeks!—should make you want to run. You were right to listen to your gut on this, UF. That was a panic attack. It was a moment common-sense clarity.
And rest assured, UF, that there are lots of other Doms out there. Get on Fetlife, get involved in the kink community where you live, read Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington's excellent book for BDSM/kink newbies, and always remember... kinky women are in demand.