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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: New To Topping

Posted by on Tue, May 6, 2014 at 5:02 PM

I am in a conundrum. I would describe myself as a gay power bottom. I've bottomed ever since I first had sex, and I've never topped. To be honest, the idea of topping doesn't really excite me. I enjoy the physical and psychological aspects of being penetrated, and have no shame about it. I enjoy hands free orgasms regularly and enjoy being very submissive, both of which works well for me as a bottom.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for four months now. He prefers to top, which makes us compatible in that respect. We communicate our desires, fears, needs and fantasies openly... and he mentioned once that he would like to have me top him. In theory, I'd be very happy to top him. Even though it may not excite me as much as receiving, I am happy to make sure his needs are met. And maybe I'll thoroughly enjoy it? I've led a rather adventurous sexual life in other respects, so topping doesn't seem like a big deal.

Yet, when push comes to shove I become very nervous about the idea. I get wrapped up in my head, and begin having performance anxiety. I feel embarrassed that I can't work myself up to it, and feelings of not being a "real man" and inadequacy have emerged. I've discussed this with my supportive partner, but I am still at odds with why I am so adverse to topping. Any top tips?

Your help would be most appreciated.

Bummed Out Yearner

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

There's more than one way to top a guy. You can fuck him with your cock... or your can fuck him with one of these cocks. You can even do like the dykes do and strap one on. Either way, BOY, he got fucked and you topped him.

I realize that laying in backup cock may seem counterintuitive where feelings of inadequacy are concerned, BOY, but nothing reduces performance-anxiety-inducing, dick-deflating pressure more effectively than knowing you can still fuck him even if your cock isn't cooperating at the moment.

In fact, I would advise you to get some toys—butt plugs and dildos—and use them instead of your cock the first few times you play with your boyfriend's ass. Tell the BF that you've never played with anyone's ass before—which he already knows—and so you want to experiment with toys first. Then, BOY, if your cock gets hard while you're topping his ass with toys, yank out whatever toy is in his ass and stuff your cock in him. If your cock starts to go soft, yank your cock out and stuff the toy back in.

Seeing the pleasure you can give your boyfriend with your cock or with your toys—and knowing that you can continue to fuck him even if your cock temporarily abandons you—will go a long way toward building up your confidence as a top. Good luck!

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The woman whose question appeared in yesterday's SLLOTD—TEXXXT—wrote back today with a little update...

My husband got a call yesterday from his dad asking him to stop by his parents house because he needed help measuring something. We instantly knew that was a lie meant to get him over there. But he was going to have to face the music at some point so he went. He said the mood in the room was very awkward and his parents sounded like they were reading from a script while they were making small talk. Eventually his mom asked if he was drunk the other night. He told her that we had had a few drinks as it was the weekend. Then his mom explained that she was asking because she received a dirty picture from him late at night. He feigned surprise and acted like he was unaware of his mistake. He then explained that he had randomly received that pic and meant to forward it to me because I thought it was hilarious and wanted to show it to my girlfriend. She then said, "Your dad said it was something like that." (Thank you for the assist, father-in-law!) Then he got a brief lecture on how "raunchy" that picture was. I'll back up his story when we are all eating Mother's Day dinner this weekend. Or maybe I'll take my spoon and let the table hear how neat it sounds when I hit it against sissy bitch's crotch and the stainless steel chastity device he'll be wearing under his jeans!—TEXXXT

Some commenters yesterday cried "fake!" after reading TEXXXT's letter so I asked her to send proof that she exists, her hubby exists, her hubby's sissy bitch French maid's uniform exists, and that stainless steel chastity device exists. I now have multiple pictures and text messages in my possession, people, and I can say with confidence that TEXXXT and her sissy bitch aren't faking it.

 

Comments (20) RSS

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venomlash 1
"needed help measuring something"
OH MY GORSH THAT IS A ONE-PERSON JOB IF EVER I SAW ONE. WHAT DOES HE NEED TO MEASURE, AN ELEPHANT?
Posted by venomlash on May 6, 2014 at 5:19 PM · Report this
thatsnotright 2
New to Topping might try sitting in a kitchen chair while blowing his partner who could then sit on New to's cock and take care of the penetration and active role at first.
Posted by thatsnotright on May 6, 2014 at 5:37 PM · Report this
3
" because I thought it was hilarious and wanted to show it to my girlfriend"

Was it really necessary to blame the wife & her gf, whom the parents already don't like?
Posted by wxPDX on May 6, 2014 at 5:40 PM · Report this
4
Yeah I already said this on the other thread but I never thought it need be fake. My husband accidentally sexted his mom instead of me awhile back.
Since we don't live in the Bible Belt, thank god, a good laugh was had by all and no Very Serious Discussion was needed.
Posted by chi_type on May 6, 2014 at 5:50 PM · Report this
tainte 5
jesus christ nancy, just stick it in.

BE A MAN!
Posted by tainte on May 6, 2014 at 5:59 PM · Report this
Call me Scott 6
"when push comes to shove" is the line of the week. Good luck bro.
Posted by Call me Scott on May 6, 2014 at 6:10 PM · Report this
7
@3: My wife and I both agree that being able to blame each other for things when in the presence of other parties is rather useful. It's most useful when you're only dealing with customer service or something, but you can slide yourself past unnecessary obstacles with the trick on occasion.
Posted by nanoboy on May 6, 2014 at 6:51 PM · Report this
8
Advice to BOY, agree that you will and then at some random time your BF can prepare and just climb on top (or whatever) without a big discussion before. No mental anguish.
Posted by JJinAus on May 6, 2014 at 7:06 PM · Report this
rob! 9
I like to think that TEXXXT's in-laws had their eyes opened, à la little Frankie McCourt in Angela's Ashes:
...Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, it's a fortnight since my last confession. And what have you done since then, my child? I hit my brother, I went on the mooch from school, I lied to my mother. Yes, my child, and what else? I- I- I did dirty things, Father. Ah, my child, was that with yourself or with another or with some class of beast? Some class of beast. I never heard of a sin like that before. This priest must be from the country and if he is he's opening up new worlds to me...
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on May 6, 2014 at 7:56 PM · Report this
10
I admit that what immediately sprang to mind was that commercial in which a husband says, "Not wash; power wash. Big difference." As I cannot get out of my head that commercial's inclusion among a large group of commercials in which men are presented as incompetent and nothing more than a trial to women, that increases the difficulty in thinking of the term "power bottom" with a great deal of approbation, not that there's anything wrong with great enthusiasm for one's preferred role.

The letter read to me as if the activity in question would occur once or perhaps at most maybe once a calendar quarter in the minds of the two participants, and Mr Savage's reply, which includes a recommendation for "the first few times", seems to assume it will become a regular item on the menu. Editing? Otherwise, tomorrow LW might reply to Mr Savage that neither of the pair intends it to happen more than a few times at most.
Posted by vennominon on May 6, 2014 at 11:31 PM · Report this
AFinch 11
Here's what I just cannot wrap my head around: getting called home - as an adult! - to "face the music"...WTF?

I think there have been exactly two conversations about sex with my parents since I was given 'the facts' at like age 8 (by being handed a book). There was one rather uncomfortable convo where my father's prurient curiosity (I think out of a desire to live vicariously) about certain BDSM activities got the better of him...I shut it down pretty quick.
Posted by AFinch on May 7, 2014 at 6:20 AM · Report this
12
My own advice for BOY? "It's not as if you'll only get to do it once." Even if attempt #1 doesn't go well, practice makes perfect, and it sounds like the partner wouldn't mind a little practice.
Posted by DRF on May 7, 2014 at 7:50 AM · Report this
Nyckname 13
If a Top orders a bottom to ream his ass, then it's the bottom's duty to ream it.
Posted by Nyckname on May 7, 2014 at 9:28 AM · Report this
14
@10 you make a good point, but it's a little hard to tell the other guy's preferences. Think of the PANTIES LW in this week's SL column. Five years in, he casually brings up his desire to wear panties, and then suggests it would make a nice birthday treat, for her to indulge him. Yes, maybe PANTIES only wants to crossdress occasionally, but maybe he is interested in doing quite a bit of it.

Similarly, it's hard to tell whether the LW's partner is playing down his interest in being topped to avoid causing anxiety for the LW (as PANTIES backed off with his wife).

I think Dan's point is that anal can be challenging, and thinking you're going to do it once a year is likely to raise the stakes for that time (and thus decrease the chance of it going well). Whereas saying, "oh, you're interested in anal play? Sure, let's add that to our repertoire" reduces the stakes by encouraging toys & fingers as part of the action.
Posted by EricaP on May 7, 2014 at 9:50 AM · Report this
venomlash 15
"J...J...JAM IT IN!!!"
"You lost me."
Posted by venomlash on May 7, 2014 at 10:47 AM · Report this
16
Advice to BOY: My previous boyfriend had similar issues. I'm a 90% top but love getting fucked every once in awhile. His lack of confidence resulted in failure approximately the first 10 times we tried. In every case, I reassured him that I was not disappointed and that one day, it would happen and be amazing. So we would stop having him try and penetrate me and move on to something else. I never wavered on my commitment to making it work. It took a lot of patience and understanding, but eventually, he succeeded, and then became a master top. It was so good that I became more like 60/40 top, and he was VERY ok with that. Initially, he had to finish himself off by jacking off, but eventually he mastered the art of hands-free orgasm. WORTH THE WAIT!
Posted by Sweet&Salty on May 7, 2014 at 11:17 AM · Report this
17
BOY: I've been fucking people for years, and even after all this time, it's still been my experience that nothing kills a boner quite as effectively as "I must maintain this boner at all costs!"

Establish some kind of contingency plan with your partner that takes that pressure off, whether it be toys, fingers, trading places for a bit (maybe something like a playful "You call that fucking? I'll show you how it's done!" if that makes sense within the dynamic of your relationship), whatever. Acknowledge that it might not happen (and that it's okay if it doesn't) and it will be much more likely to happen.

Also, maybe cockrings.
Posted by Ben on May 7, 2014 at 2:42 PM · Report this
18
BOY,
Assuming that your BF douches well, I'd recommend rimming him to get up close and personal with the hole you're going to fuck. As Dan suggested, playing with his ass and seeing how he responds to that can also be fun.

Actually saying the words "I'm going to make you feel so good" can work, too. You know how good it feels, BOY

Please note, however, that the definition of a power bottom is «dominant bottom», not a submissive one, regardless of the bottom's abilities or enthusiasm.
Posted by vab251 on May 7, 2014 at 2:56 PM · Report this
19
Ms Erica - You're comparing OS to SS. I'ts possible, but the odds are rather different. If BF were similar to Mr Salty, LW would almost certainly know. (Pity Mr Salty can't advise BF.)
Posted by vennominon on May 7, 2014 at 4:23 PM · Report this
Philophile 20
Interesting problem for a woman to think about. I can empathize with retraining my partner's dick to work with me, as I'm sure BOY is adept at as a power bottom. But the bf doesn't seem to understand BOY's dick. I guess he is used to dicks that love penetration?

Anyway, I think that if BOY wants to top, he needs to hear what his bf is getting out of bottoming. Otherwise his dick is not going to get a rush out of delivering the goods. For example... spending a few hours getting to know his hole... talking about bf's favorite bottoming moments while jacking... hold a dildo still while his bf shows him where his spots are... assuming that bf wants a good fuck. If he just wanted to see what BOY liked as a top, then the answer is nothing until he gets comfortable topping.

I thought the advice was good but a little light acknowledging that it started as something bf wanted and BOY should ask more about before he can be expected to deliver. Now there is a new problem for BOY, who would like to learn to top well to feel more like a "real man" which I guess means he wants to be a more versatile lover.
Posted by Philophile on May 8, 2014 at 9:54 AM · Report this

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