by Dan Savage
on Tue, May 6, 2014 at 5:02 PM
I am in a conundrum. I would describe myself as a gay power bottom. I've bottomed ever since I first had sex, and I've never topped. To be honest, the idea of topping doesn't really excite me. I enjoy the physical and psychological aspects of being penetrated, and have no shame about it. I enjoy hands free orgasms regularly and enjoy being very submissive, both of which works well for me as a bottom.
I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for four months now. He prefers to top, which makes us compatible in that respect. We communicate our desires, fears, needs and fantasies openly... and he mentioned once that he would like to have me top him. In theory, I'd be very happy to top him. Even though it may not excite me as much as receiving, I am happy to make sure his needs are met. And maybe I'll thoroughly enjoy it? I've led a rather adventurous sexual life in other respects, so topping doesn't seem like a big deal.
Yet, when push comes to shove I become very nervous about the idea. I get wrapped up in my head, and begin having performance anxiety. I feel embarrassed that I can't work myself up to it, and feelings of not being a "real man" and inadequacy have emerged. I've discussed this with my supportive partner, but I am still at odds with why I am so adverse to topping. Any top tips?
Your help would be most appreciated.
Bummed Out Yearner
My response after the jump...
There's more than one way to top a guy. You can fuck him with your cock... or your can fuck him with one of these cocks. You can even do like the dykes do and strap one on. Either way, BOY, he got fucked and you topped him.
I realize that laying in backup cock may seem counterintuitive where feelings of inadequacy are concerned, BOY, but nothing reduces performance-anxiety-inducing, dick-deflating pressure more effectively than knowing you can still fuck him even if your cock isn't cooperating at the moment.
In fact, I would advise you to get some toys—butt plugs and dildos—and use them instead of your cock the first few times you play with your boyfriend's ass. Tell the BF that you've never played with anyone's ass before—which he already knows—and so you want to experiment with toys first. Then, BOY, if your cock gets hard while you're topping his ass with toys, yank out whatever toy is in his ass and stuff your cock in him. If your cock starts to go soft, yank your cock out and stuff the toy back in.
Seeing the pleasure you can give your boyfriend with your cock or with your toys—and knowing that you can continue to fuck him even if your cock temporarily abandons you—will go a long way toward building up your confidence as a top. Good luck!
The woman whose question appeared in yesterday's SLLOTD—TEXXXT—wrote back today with a little update...
My husband got a call yesterday from his dad asking him to stop by his parents house because he needed help measuring something. We instantly knew that was a lie meant to get him over there. But he was going to have to face the music at some point so he went. He said the mood in the room was very awkward and his parents sounded like they were reading from a script while they were making small talk. Eventually his mom asked if he was drunk the other night. He told her that we had had a few drinks as it was the weekend. Then his mom explained that she was asking because she received a dirty picture from him late at night. He feigned surprise and acted like he was unaware of his mistake. He then explained that he had randomly received that pic and meant to forward it to me because I thought it was hilarious and wanted to show it to my girlfriend. She then said, "Your dad said it was something like that." (Thank you for the assist, father-in-law!) Then he got a brief lecture on how "raunchy" that picture was. I'll back up his story when we are all eating Mother's Day dinner this weekend. Or maybe I'll take my spoon and let the table hear how neat it sounds when I hit it against sissy bitch's crotch and the stainless steel chastity device he'll be wearing under his jeans!—TEXXXT
Some commenters yesterday cried "fake!" after reading TEXXXT's letter so I asked her to send proof that she exists, her hubby exists, her hubby's sissy bitch French maid's uniform exists, and that stainless steel chastity device exists. I now have multiple pictures and text messages in my possession, people, and I can say with confidence that TEXXXT and her sissy bitch aren't faking it.