Episode 12. It’s been a long and painful journey. You can watch the full episode here. You know. If you insist.

BENDELA WAS ROBBED BENDELA WAS ROBBED BENDELA WAS ROBBED BENDELA WAS ROBBED. Infinity. Unceremoniously tossed under Darienne Lake's sweaty yellow bus for reasons unfathomable. I refuse to get over it. The final four bitches are left standing before us and no Dela whatsoever. What a pointless charade!

Support groups are forming now. A full investigation by the DOJ is underway just as soon as they respond to my tweets, I bet. I'd take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I wasn't certain that Scalia prick would just totally fuck it all up as usual. Just like Ru did. And do you think I can go through that shit twice? My nerves! They can't take it! But I suppose we should soldier on. It’s what DeLa would want.

So. Bianca (bitchy, bitchy) Del Rio, Courtney (milky, milky, milquetoast) Act, Darienne (pukey , pukey, barf, barf) Lake and Adore (grrrr, no comment) DeLano. I say we just toss ‘em all into a mile-deep pit of vipers and scorpions with nothing but their press-ons and the queen that crawls out alive wins, but apparently RuPaul just doesn’t see it that way. (But it’s an idea—she has to do SOMETHING to zazz up this sagging format.) I'm still so mad at RuPaul right now I could just spit. But what a waste of perfectly good lube that would be, and so I forbear.

Anyway, the tension is terrible as the queens enter the studio after Dela’s elimination, and these bitches are finally showing their true vicious and evil colors. Darienne starts by sarcastically saying she was gonna miss Bendela (may her Spanx start to itch at awkward moments forever!), and, whoa! Even Courtney is being a real C U Next Tuesday. She's been able to hide her mean streak with varying degrees of success till now, but this cat has claws. She is really gunning for Adore mostly—but she made a big mistake when she came after Bianca. “Oh, not today, Satan!” Bianca said in her scariest voice. Eek! I expect such behavior from Darienne because, well, she's a meanyface bitchpants, but Courtney! Calm your tits, drag queen! Desperation stinks.

The final challenge this season was exhaustingly familiar ground: the queens were tasked to star in a music video for a RuPaul single that we’ve already heard a kajillion times this Season: "Sissy That Walk". But wait! Something new: this time there WILL be an elimination, a departure from previous seasons' Final Four protocol. The queens were shocked. I was thrilled. (Die Darienne, die!) First they had to learn the choreography. Courtney (who was perfect) noted, “Bianca is being funny to distract from the fact she’s not being good.” Easy there, tigress! Darienne was worse though. Good.

Then we broke into a couple of acting challenges and the queens had to do a little improve with Ru. Bianca and Courtney killed it, of course, but Adore was actually pretty great, too. I miss Ben.

And the final runway critique! Darienne looked like a blue velour sofa. That is all.

Darienne Lake
  • Darienne Lake

But tricky RuPle! So full of small twists this season: this time, all four remaining queens were forced to lip-synch for their lives—at the same time! The song was, um, Sissy That Walk? Oh, RuPle...

AND AT LAST! My dark prayers were finally answered and Darienne Lake, AKA that hateful monster who was so mean to/somehow bested our DeLa (witch!), was sent exactly where she has belonged all along— the shadowy purgatory of forgotten reality TV stars. Eliminated! I shall not gloat. I shall not gloat. Gloat gloat gloat. #gloat.

And so we're down to the top three! BENDELA WAS ROBBED, BENDELA WAS ROBBED. Ahem.

Predictions! The way I reckon, there are exactly FOUR ways (mmm, four-ways) this season could play out right now: Courtney Act will win because RPDR is secretly endeavoring to expand internationally, and, let's face it, Courtney's already a multi-continental reality teevee star. That dog might hunt. Or perhaps Adore will win suddenly because SURPRISE, GURL! Party! But I doubt it. I am sure that Bianca and her vicious-bitch-with-a-heart-of-gold schtick OBVIOUSLY wins, because DUH. But NO! Wait! Maybe (just maybe!) there will be a big twist and BENDELA will be brought back in the eleventh hour to carpe the fuck out of this draggy diem! Wouldn’t that be something? A boy can dream…