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Thursday, May 1, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: The Bi Girl's Dilemma

Posted by on Thu, May 1, 2014 at 1:31 PM

Over the last five or so years I've figured out that I'm bi. The catch is that I've been in a serious straight relationship for the last 7 years. My partner knows about this, and is fully supportive of me doing what I need to do to figure things out. It's never been that big a deal, and I've never pursued it. Lately, though, all I can think about are girls, and my libido is driving me crazy. I really don't know how to handle this. I feel like I'm becoming more interested in girls than in guys, which is funny, since I've never even kissed one. I'm afraid of exploring this. I'd never want to compromise my relationship, plus the whole idea of hitting on girls and saying "My man is totally ok with this" seems really complicated. Any advice would be great.

Bi Bi Birdie

My response—and it's a brief one—after the jump...


You know who understands what you're going through? And will totally be able to empathize? And might even be up for eating your pussy?

Other inexperienced bi women with boyfriends or husbands at home.

There are tons of inexperienced bi women out there who are looking to explore their girl-on-girl interests for the first time—if my email inbox and the phone lines at the "Savage Lovecast" are any indication—and you, BBB, and all the other inexperienced bi girls have the same hesitation/hangup/concern: What will women think when you say, "My man is totally okay with this!" You know what? The man at home won't be an issue if you're jumping into bed with another woman who also has a man at home. So take out a personal ad that says you're seeking other bi women in straight relationships who are looking to explore their same-sex desires—with the okay of the man at home—and the man at home will be something you have in common, BBB, and not a complication.


Comments (26) RSS

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Urgutha Forka 1
This letter totally should have opened with "Dear Penthouse,"

/Not because I think it's fake but because it's classic hot lesbo porn.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on May 1, 2014 at 1:50 PM · Report this
AFinch 2
I had a GF once who confessed she was attracted to women too...and I told her I thought it was kind of hot. We broke up for unrelated reasons (general immaturity, of which I was the largest source). She is now married to a woman (pretty happily) and you'd think I'd be kicking myself for messing up that fantasy...but when I see the reality,'s all good.
Posted by AFinch on May 1, 2014 at 2:13 PM · Report this
Banna 3
Anyone who can figure out how to make a grindr equivalent geared toward bisexual and bi-curious cis women who would like to have the opportunity to explore their bisexual urges or interests AND is able to keep creeper men out of it will be an instant multi-billionaire.

They'll be a multi-multi billionaire if they can figure out a way to let men watch.
Posted by Banna on May 1, 2014 at 2:16 PM · Report this
nartweag 4
"My partner knows about this, and is fully supportive of me doing what I need to do to figure things out. It's never been that big a deal, and I've never pursued it........ I've never even kissed one."
This LW might find that it does become a big deal when something/anything actually happens.... Or there might suddenly be strings attached (like he needs to be there/ threesomes only).
It could very well not happen that way but, LW should be prepared for it. Discuss these possibilities beforehand with her partner....

Given that she thinks mentioning that she has a man at home (something that is pretty common) "seems really complicated", I personally don't see this going well.
Posted by nartweag on May 1, 2014 at 2:32 PM · Report this
Ophian 6
Good advice. I think Dan is playing the Bis should date Bis instead of bitching about Non-Bis not dating Bis, duh! card with just a whiff if snark...but he's not wrong.

I think with the help of folks like Dan, and the general normalizing of homosexuality, that bisexual normalization is maybe half a decade away. At that time, the Bis-dating-Bis thing will be a hell of a lot easier with more than a fraction of us being out.
Posted by Ophian on May 1, 2014 at 2:47 PM · Report this
masque of owls 7
And really, saying "my man is totally okay with this" is not all that complicated.
Posted by masque of owls on May 1, 2014 at 3:11 PM · Report this
@5, interesting. Since they can get eaten by their male partners, I would have expected them to want to eat pussy. Bi-curious guys want to suck cock, not just get blown.

Posted by EricaP on May 1, 2014 at 3:19 PM · Report this
persimmon 9
Been there. Done that. Online ads are nice, but if you've got a desperate urge for lady bits, go to a bar. Preferably a gay or gay-friendly bar. Get an obvious rainbow accessory of some kind and wear it to flag down the lesbians, and then start macking your way to sexy-town! Bar hookups won't even bring up the question of a man in your life. That's an honest conversation for when things develop into actual dating--if that's even what you want.

I recommend the online route when you've gotten the hang of knowing how to spot the women who are bisexual lures for a threesome with their own husband/boyfriend.
Posted by persimmon on May 1, 2014 at 3:22 PM · Report this
persimmon 10
@3 God, I wish there was a lesbian Grindr.
Posted by persimmon on May 1, 2014 at 3:24 PM · Report this
How do you tell okcupid to only show women? If you tell them you're a bi married person, it's a goddamn sausage fest.
Posted by wxPDX on May 1, 2014 at 3:26 PM · Report this
nartweag 12
@11, there is the "looking for" section down at the bottom of your profile page. Don't know if that changes what OKC shows you, it should.... Won't change who looks at your profile or contacts you though.
Posted by nartweag on May 1, 2014 at 3:33 PM · Report this
@11: There are ways to change it in the settings. I only see women. Unfortunately men still see me, but if you set it so you're only looking for girls then you'll only see girls.

@8: You're not thinking about it with the right mindset. If I want to have some casual girl-on-girl action, I'd rather have it with someone experienced so I won't have to invest time in training them. It's the same reason why I don't really like sleeping with inexperienced men, either. I can train up an inexperienced partner, but I'm only willing to do that if they have LTR potential, because it takes quite an investment of time to get someone to be good enough for me.

Though if we're going to take your mindset... I've had better experiences with lesbians eating me out, as a whole, than straight guys. Maybe that's just the way my luck has worked out, but I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with women being more likely to adapt to a new partner without extensive feedback.
Posted by alguna_rubia on May 1, 2014 at 5:19 PM · Report this
Mr O - Yes, this one definitely goes into the Like Should Seek Like column, which Mr Savage does have a tendency to recommend. I suppose someone looking hard enough for Something to Do could find such an attitude to be a way of retaining some vestige of subversively covert homosexuality in the sea of hetero-based answers, and perhaps even make a stab at twisting it into something oppressive.

But now I'm wondering - how would you compare bi Mono Chasers to gay Straight Chasers?
Posted by vennominon on May 1, 2014 at 5:24 PM · Report this
Ophian 16
Mr. ven @14, in my experience there isn't an analogue between Gay Straight-chasers and Bi Mono-chasers [I haven't seen Mono-chasers as such], but there is definitely a large swath of Straight males who are Bi-female-chasers.
Posted by Ophian on May 1, 2014 at 7:33 PM · Report this
Things could get way more complicated regardless. If she knew all she wanted was NSA sex, it sounds like her relationship could stay solid. But she hasn't started exploring and has no idea how she will feel ... Or perhaps she does have an idea and is rightfully "afraid" for her relationship.
Posted by Naq on May 1, 2014 at 7:42 PM · Report this
forcrimeinitaly 18
Can I just say that the phrase "eating me out" and all it's variations kind of gives me the willies? Blek. I don't know why but it is so off putting to me. And it's an activity that I enjoy. Seriously, we need a new phrase for that.
Posted by forcrimeinitaly on May 1, 2014 at 8:08 PM · Report this
Mr O - Well, maybe it peaked before your time. Just as well. But given the large number of differences, it was remarkable that they both struck me as almost equally objectionable.
Posted by vennominon on May 1, 2014 at 8:32 PM · Report this
Huh, it's been a while since I've been on OKC now, but two years ago it definitely had an option for ladies looking for ladies to not be seen by dude profiles. Maybe it only turns up if you say you're gay instead of bi? Weird.
Posted by tal on May 1, 2014 at 10:21 PM · Report this
@13, like @5, you're focusing on finding someone to go down on you, and on how much hassle it will be to direct them, and how much skill they may bring to the table.

The reason I call myself heteroflexible and not bi is because I'm not eager to go down on women. Until this thread, I believed those bicurious women out there were interested in getting access to pussy, not in having a new person's face in their crotch.

So what it sounds like you're saying is that bi-curious wives are in essence telling their husbands: "Sorry, your pussy-eating is not getting me off; I'd like to see if I can find someone with some actual skillz and enthusiasm, preferably someone easy to train." I can see why that might be a hard sell.
Posted by EricaP on May 1, 2014 at 11:16 PM · Report this
Auragasm 22
@3 Fucking Word. Very necessary.

@18 I like to call cunnilingus "head". BJs are not spcific to just the head of the penis, so I always thought it was called that because your head is in somoebody's crotch. Eating-out is the act of dining away from home. Or maybe cannibalism. But there aren't really any flattering names for sex organs/acts.
Posted by Auragasm on May 2, 2014 at 9:19 AM · Report this
How about "kissing the lower lips."

And while we're at it, how about something other than "tossing the salad?" That sounds like tossing one's cookies.

I suggest "kissing the 7th planet." In case you were wondering, Uranus is the 7th planet in our solar system.
Posted by David Holzman on May 2, 2014 at 1:31 PM · Report this
sissoucat 24
@18 Do you object to "licking my pussy" ?

Pussycats routinely lick themselves, or each other when they're friendly.
Posted by sissoucat on May 3, 2014 at 1:57 AM · Report this
It's actually a surprise to me too, I assumed the same. In my case, if I want to be with a girl is to enjoy what I cannot do with men and viceversa. Receiving oral sex would be the least of my priorities in both cases. But to each their own.
Posted by Blackwood on May 3, 2014 at 3:03 PM · Report this
I know that there are hook up and dating sites for bisexuals out there. But if the LW wants more advice: There is a forum for bisexuals like her and even though it is not for dating, she will find lots of other bisexual women there and can talk and get advice there. The website is
Posted by GermanGirl on May 4, 2014 at 8:14 AM · Report this
XiaoGui17 27
A lot of lesbians seem to have gotten an awful impression of bi women. I think it's because they were actually hooking up with het women that lied about being "bi." I suspect what's going on is this:

(1) Het girl's boyfriend has less than stellar cunt-lapping skills

(2) Het girl doesn't have the heart to tell him this

(3) Het girl figures a woman would be better at it

(4) Het girl figures her boyfriend would love to see some girl-on-girl action

(5) Het girl declares herself "bi," much to boyfriend's delight

(6) Het girl uses a lesbian as an accessory to her inadequate bf

(7) Het girl never reciprocates lesbian's sexual favors or feelings

(8) Lesbian gets heartbroken by het pillow princess

(9) Lesbian swears off bi women

NOW HEAR THIS: If you are a woman that is open to either men or women eating your pussy, but you have absolutely no desire whatsoever to eat pussy or be in a relationship with a woman, you are NOT "bisexual." You are NOT "bicurious." You are heteroflexible, the "flexible" part being that you don't care what genitals happen to be related to the sex-neutral organ known as the tongue. Please stop turning lesbians away from bi women, m'kay? Tell your boyfriend to learn to eat some fucking poon. His bruised ego will get over it, or you're well rid of him.
Posted by XiaoGui17 on May 4, 2014 at 7:04 PM · Report this
>>>@18 Do you object to "licking my pussy" ?

No, I like that as much as kissing the lower lips.
Posted by David Holzman on May 5, 2014 at 10:19 AM · Report this

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