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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Rick Santorum Is Running for President

Posted by on Tue, Apr 29, 2014 at 8:18 AM

Lube_Fecal_Matter_2016.jpg

Rick Santorum is running for president. Again. According to the Republican Rulebook, the 2016 Republican nomination is his by rights. Santorum was the last NotRomney standing in 2012 and the GOP always nominates the runner-up next time around. To seal the deal Santorum went on MSNBC's Morning Joe today and urged Republican primary voters not to make the same mistake in 2016 that they made in 2012: failing to nominate Rick Santorum. Because it turns out that Santorum and only Santorum, according to Santorum and only Santorum, could've beaten Barack Obama in 2012. But we don't have to take his word for it! Some of Obama's own flying monkeys thought Santorum would've won if GOP voters had the sense to nominate him. They even told him so:

"Look, I thought I could have won last time," he said. "I'm convinced. You know I asked one of the Obama minions who were running the campaign 'Hey, why didn't you guys help me? I was up there battling Romney and all these folks at MSNBC were saying wouldn't this be great if, Santorum were the nominee, why didn't you help me? Why didn't you go out and bang me a little a bit, hit me you know, as being too conservative?'" "And the consensus was, 'We didn't want you, because of this,'" Santorum added, holding up his book.

Obama's minions were convinced that a book Rick Santorum hadn't written yet would win him the election. That must be some book. Anyway, Rick Santorum wrote a book. It's here. And Esquire's political blogger Charlie Pierce wrote a blog post. It's here. Money quote:

Bullshit, bullshit, and also, bullshit. First, I don't think this conversation [with an Obama "minion"] actually happened but, for the moment, let's assume that it did. One of the key factors in the president's re-election was a 12-point gender gap over a guy who once held relatively moderate positions on women's issues, but who abandoned them because he was a big old 'ho who wanted to get nominated. If the party had nominated Santorum, who actually believes this stuff, and has campaigned on it his entire career, there would have been a gender gap the size of the fking Bosphorus.

The gender gap was a key factor in the president's re-election. But it wasn't the only gap that factored in:

The backing Mr. Obama received from gay voters also has a claim on having been decisive. Mitt Romney and Mr. Obama won roughly an equal share of votes among straight voters nationwide, exit polls showed. And, a study argues, Mr. Romney appears to have won a narrow victory among straight voters in the swing states of Ohio and Florida. Mr. Obama’s more than three-to-one edge in exit polls among the 5 percent of voters who identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual was more than enough to give him the ultimate advantage, according to the study, by Gary J. Gates of the Williams Institute at the U.C.L.A. School of Law, in conjunction with Gallup. The results are consistent with earlier research on the number and political beliefs of gay voters.

A 12-point gender gap? That's nothing. Romney suffered a 52-point queermo gap. Obama and Romney split straight voters down the middle while 76% of voters who identified as queer backed Obama. It's hard to picture a scenario in which Rick Santorum—AKA "Frothy Mix," AKA "Man On Dog," AKA "Ban Gay Marriage"—would've picked up a larger share of the LGBT vote in 2012 than Mitt Romney did. And unless Rick's daughter has millions of imaginary gay friends—and they're all registered to vote—Frothy Mix doesn't have a prayer in 2016.

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Comments (50) RSS

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1 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy
2
The new Harold Stassen.
Posted by jeffg166 on April 29, 2014 at 8:35 AM · Report this
AFinch 3
Outstanding news!!!
Posted by AFinch on April 29, 2014 at 8:36 AM · Report this
fletc3her 4
I imagine everyone from the last go round will run again with someone new to replace Romney so they get up to that magic eight candidate debate number.

The Democrats will fire up the base by promising to put the first woman in the White House while the Republicans fire up their base with endless soundbites from old white guys and the occasional Freudian slip.
Posted by fletc3her on April 29, 2014 at 8:42 AM · Report this
seatackled 5
He might if he accepts Palin's offer to be her VP.
Posted by seatackled on April 29, 2014 at 8:46 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 6
Maybe Dino Rossi could be his running mate.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on April 29, 2014 at 8:46 AM · Report this
The Dopest 7
Rick Santorum is not going to be elected. He is just as easily hated by everyone on the left, and he doesn't have the tough-guy appeal it takes to fire up the right.

The fact that he reminds everyone of a creepy clergyman out to touch altar boys under their robes is not helping.

So I would be extremely happy if he won the nomination.
Posted by The Dopest on April 29, 2014 at 8:49 AM · Report this
Doctor Memory 8
RUN RICK RUN.

Seriously, there is not enough popcorn in the goddamn WORLD.
Posted by Doctor Memory http://blahg.blank.org on April 29, 2014 at 8:51 AM · Report this
rob! 9
"Why didn't you bang me a little bit?"

Oh, he wants it, all right.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 29, 2014 at 9:07 AM · Report this
10
There you have it. Always always always VOTE!!!! No excuses.
Posted by Tor on April 29, 2014 at 9:11 AM · Report this
Max Solomon 11
they got nothin'. seriously, unless they come up with a moderate swing-state governor or a ross perot-type businessman I haven't heard of yet, it's between the morbidly obese, religious nuts, formerly morbidly obese religious nuts, and rand the randian.
Posted by Max Solomon on April 29, 2014 at 9:18 AM · Report this
12
Wow, that dude is a narcissistic attention whore only matched by Gingrich.

This is going to be awesome. It's popcorn season again!
Posted by CPN on April 29, 2014 at 9:20 AM · Report this
13
He's a freak! He's a conservative caricature! He embodies a lot of what moderate voters hate about the Republican party. No way in hell he could win. Do you think people want Rick Santorum to represent them to the world? Do you?
Posted by There's always Newt on April 29, 2014 at 9:23 AM · Report this
Ophian 14
So far it looks like the Republicans are going to do what they did last time: issue a parade of clowns that only appeal to the 30% that are going to vote R anyway, while forcing anyone with half a brain and a sliver of conscience to vote D.

While that makes it an easier game for Democrats, we all lose as it means the Dems only have to field someone slightly better than a talking turd.

You can have a presidential candidate from any part of the political spectrum you want, as long as it is center-right or far-right.
Posted by Ophian on April 29, 2014 at 9:24 AM · Report this
15
"...there would have been a gender gap the size of the fking Bosphorus."

Pretty poor analogy. Sure, the Bosphorus separates two major land masses, but not by very much. The English Channel is much wider.
Posted by Rickie Santorum on April 29, 2014 at 9:28 AM · Report this
16
Translation: I am running for president again so I can more publicity for my book and eventually take over the 700 club.
Posted by sophist2 on April 29, 2014 at 9:42 AM · Report this
17
@14 True, but until the Republican party either gives up and realizes that they must make dramatic changes to their platform and not just try to say the same old platform with slightly different words or the Republican party splits into two parties with differing platforms that is going to be the case. And the best thing that any voter can do to get good candidates seems to be to keep voting D until the Republican party gets it into their head that if they want national power, they must change. The big issue is voting in Congressional elections. We need higher turn-out on the off-years to convince the Republicans that change is their only option.

Voters would be far, far better served by having two reasonable parties both presenting options for how to make the country better. But we don't have that. And we have to do the best we can with what we have, and try to prevent the damage done by any power that the party that has gone horribly awful may do.
Posted by uncreative on April 29, 2014 at 9:43 AM · Report this
Tingleyfeeln 18
Looks like the bumper sticker lobby has spoken!
Posted by Tingleyfeeln on April 29, 2014 at 10:05 AM · Report this
Ophian 19
@17, I pretty much agree with you. However, an electoral system without meaningful choice--between viable alternatives--is not democracy.

Like Izzard's cake or death? It's an easy call, but not really a choice.
Posted by Ophian on April 29, 2014 at 10:13 AM · Report this
AFinch 20
@7 - he is not the joke on the right you seem to think he is; he did extremely well as a grass-roots retail pol...among those on the right.

He will either be a Goldwater "true conservative" or he'll drive the eventual nominee so far to the right as to be unelectable. This is nothing but good news...it shows the GOP civil war is nowhere near over.
Posted by AFinch on April 29, 2014 at 10:18 AM · Report this
Fortunate 21
Not only would Santorum lose on the gay vote and the woman vote, but he is also going to lose a lot of the religious vote.

Many evangelicals didn't vote for Romney because he is Mormon. Santorum is Catholic and they hate Catholics as much, if not more than Mormons. They call the Catholic church the Whore of Babylon.

He isn't going to gain anyone from the left that Romney couldn't, and he is going to lose some from the right even if he is as batshit crazy as any of the extreme right wingers.
Posted by Fortunate on April 29, 2014 at 11:14 AM · Report this
22
He's been running since he bowed out of 2012.
And you're wrong about the percentage of the gay vote. About 25% will vote for the Republican no matter who it is. That's the way it's broken for the last several decades except when they said something that could be construed as slightly pro-gay and did better.
Posted by usagi on April 29, 2014 at 11:16 AM · Report this
23
......b-BUT!! He won 11 primaries---just like Ronald Reagan did in 1976!! *GASP!*

I can't wait to see Mr. Lube 'n' Fecal Matter in a Sweater Vest get creamed again.
You're right, Dan---the 2016 GOP Convention (that utterly AMAZES me how much you have a stomach for!) is gonna be one helluva runny shit storm, complete with the lube.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 29, 2014 at 11:28 AM · Report this
venomlash 24
Grinker? Yeah, it's me, VL. Now listen: I want you to buy AS MANY SHARES AS POSSIBLE of every popcorn manufacturer you can find. We've fallen into the schmaltz pot this time!
Posted by venomlash on April 29, 2014 at 11:33 AM · Report this
25
I predict that popcorn investors will suddenly overtake the Koch Brothers' Evil Empire.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 29, 2014 at 11:39 AM · Report this
26
Those primary debates are going to be great daily show fodder, as usual. I thought the Herman Cain, Crazy-eyes Bachmann shit show was the pinnacle. We're going to have some awesome white man on white man action in the 2016 primaries. Start photoshopping tin ears onto elephants now!
Posted by nullbull on April 29, 2014 at 12:04 PM · Report this
dwightmoodyforgetsthings 27
@14 FTW. I'd add the GOP is going to at least hold onto the House, so the presidential election is basically about Supreme Court picks.

Posted by dwightmoodyforgetsthings http://www.reddit.com/r/spaceclop on April 29, 2014 at 1:05 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 28
Hahahahahaha!

Oh, yes. Please DO run. PleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease. It would be a gift... to the democrats.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on April 29, 2014 at 1:19 PM · Report this
Fortunate 29
I love the GOP primary debates.

These guys get out there and they lose their minds. They are so eager to out Right the others that they start saying crazy shit to appeal to their crazy base. In the meantime their handlers are behind the stage having aneurysms because they know the crazy shit they are saying to win the primary are going to come back to kill them in the actual election.

These guys don't think ahead, and are out of touch with reality. That always makes for a fun debate.

The only thing that could make this more awesome is if they can get Sarah Palin and Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell involved as well.
Posted by Fortunate on April 29, 2014 at 2:06 PM · Report this
30
All the action is in the State legislatures and the SCOTUS. What we really need is more Progressive governors and a bird flu epidemic in the back rooms of the High Court.
Posted by kwodell on April 29, 2014 at 2:14 PM · Report this
Posted by Nancy Hartunian on April 29, 2014 at 2:35 PM · Report this
32
I adore this portion of the quote, "Why didn't you go out and bang me a little a bit, hit me you know,..." It would be even better if he'd ended that statement after "you know" and punctuated with a big ole question mark.

So....maybe, this is what he wants from the media (and perhaps a secret luggage lifter) in his 2016 campaign?
Posted by TampaDink on April 29, 2014 at 4:28 PM · Report this
33
@28 Reverse Polarity: I share your guffawing. Run, Rick Poopshake, Run!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 29, 2014 at 5:13 PM · Report this
Knat 34
Shucky ducky! The first of the truly kooky candidates makes his announcement!
Posted by Knat on April 29, 2014 at 6:43 PM · Report this
lolorhone 35
Ophian @19: Agreed, with the caveat that the Affordable Care Act and the momentum of the marriage equality movement and pretty much anything else remotely decent eked out by Obama are still the subjects of a massive GOP hard-on that I'm not at all convinced will go limp by 2016. Meaning there's still some meaningful things at stake for that election, considering the level of batshit petulance on the right.

Also. thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
Posted by lolorhone on April 29, 2014 at 7:30 PM · Report this
BroadwayJoeFYVM 36
I just want to know where I can get that bumper sticker.
Posted by BroadwayJoeFYVM http://joeknowsjacksquat.blogspot.com on April 29, 2014 at 7:43 PM · Report this
37
I had some Santotum once, but my doctor gave me a prescription...

Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on April 29, 2014 at 9:42 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 38
Here's hoping our old friend Raindrop has already registered the Gay Dude for Santorum handle. Speaking of which, Raindrop been conspicuously absent of this thread too...
Posted by mikethehammer on April 30, 2014 at 12:05 AM · Report this
mikethehammer 39
Fuck, I'm borrowing a friend's mac while he fixes my pc and I don't know how the hell to undo that bold, italicized, underlined idiocy. Hopefully this isn't one of those ones that permanently impacts the thread.
Posted by mikethehammer on April 30, 2014 at 12:13 AM · Report this
Sandiai 40
Posted by Sandiai on April 30, 2014 at 12:33 AM · Report this
Sandiai 41
Posted by Sandiai on April 30, 2014 at 12:36 AM · Report this
Sandiai 42
Sorry, I tried...
Posted by Sandiai on April 30, 2014 at 12:39 AM · Report this
Sandiai 43
Posted by Sandiai on April 30, 2014 at 12:41 AM · Report this
brick1101 44
This old story of the "Great Frothy" should fire up his base... http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/pri…
Posted by brick1101 http://jamiebrewer-brick1101.blogspot.com/ on April 30, 2014 at 3:26 AM · Report this
Machiavelli 45
"Why didn't you bang me a little bit?"

Freudian Slip?
Posted by Machiavelli on April 30, 2014 at 8:18 AM · Report this
46
Santorum, the Rolling Brownout King.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 30, 2014 at 11:23 PM · Report this
Texas10R 47
"To seal the deal Santorum..."

Nice. Very subtle humor.
Well played sir, as it were.
Posted by Texas10R on May 2, 2014 at 5:24 PM · Report this
48
@47, I understand that being "Douchey" is your "meme" here at The Stranger, but here's a clue: Pointing out "subtle humor" ruins it for everyone else. Douche bag...
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 5, 2014 at 7:59 PM · Report this
49
Why does this country mock its political representatives so? This man has done nothing to you. He speaks his mind. That is no criminal offense.
Posted by Babatundebad on May 15, 2014 at 2:18 PM · Report this
50
we should campaign for him to get the nomination.
Posted by RottingintheMidwest on June 3, 2014 at 8:13 AM · Report this

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