The time has flown like a stone pelican. Let us pause for a teensy little instant to remember all the queens who have bravely fallen in their quest for the crown: Vivacious and her many heads, LaGanja and her many tears, Gia and whatever the hell she was about, and um…that's all I remember. Moving along!
We are down to six queens and the tension is tighter than a frog's vagina: Adore (who came within inches of biting it hard last week), Darienne (skank), Bianca (of course), Courtney (whatever), Joslyn (so cute!), and, thank you Sheesus, our girl Ben DeLaCreme, who remains a consummate ass-kicker (#teamdelacreme! Wooohooo!).
As we begin, the remaining jealous bitches all have their claws out for Courtney because she won last week’s runway challenge. Bianca calls her a bitch straight up and reads her apparent complete lack of versatility ("Can she do anything but be blond and pretty?," the remarkably not-blond and very-not-pretty Bianca wonders aloud). Darienne tells her to "go back to Australia!" (charmed), and even sweethearted Ben makes fun of her accent. Rat testicles were involved. Don’t ask.
This episode is all about marriage, so, you know, PUKE. But the first challenge is a hoot: the gurls were tasked to create "twerks of art" (HA!) by splattering their pretend lady-bodies in paint and rolling around on canvas. Holy Andy Whore-Hole! What a mess. Bianca won the challenge even though it was obvious that both Ben and Joslyn's paintings were clearly far superior. Even Darienne's was better. Who is this bitch blowing?
The main challenge is this season's Make-Over Challenge (they do one every year), and in keeping with the whole "marriage" theme, six engaged and very conspicuously cisgendered, heteronormative male-and-female couples were trotted out and the queens tasked to turn the hairy grooms into "blushing brides"—hair, makeup, the wedding dress, the works—and then all of the couples were to be married by RuPaul. Straight drag weddings! This made no fucking sense whatsoever. It's not as if gay marriage is, oh, THE FUCKING CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE of our moment, I suppose. Couldn't RuPaul have at least thrown a couple of dykes in there or something as tokens? Weird. And some of the straight guys seemed so freaked out, one is forced to wonder why the hell they agreed to any of this in the first damn place…
The queens paired off with their groomy brides-to-be and got to work. Ben had the biggest challenge—her guy was basically a burly Paul Bunyan who'd never seen the business end of a Bic. Adore is all nervous because she doesn't know how to sew AS USUAL. And after assuring her guy that she wasn't going to hit on him, Bianca totally crushed out on him, the liar. Poor Joslyn's guy was the most reticent, even borderline antagonistic. He's a butch professional basketball player, and he doesn't "even want to think about" his teammates reaction to his excursion into drag. We also discover that Joslyn is herself engaged to someone who apparently isn't me. She's dead to me.
The queens walked their new drag daughters down the aisle! Darienne's gothed-out gurl looked like a bloated, butch(er) Cher who really had to poop. Ben burst into tears when her new drag daughter lifted her veil, but it wasn't because her face was busted—she looked as flawless as Ben always does. (Go DeLa, go DeLa!) Bianca's partner looked exactly. Like. Bianca. Does. And speaking of Bianca, her wicked tongue perfectly pegged Joslyn's bride. “He looked exactly like that one female gremlin.” Precisely. The highlight of the show was when the poor guy had to bolt from the runway and barf his guts out backstage. Straight guys are the biggest fucking sissies.
Bianca won the challenge, the big bitch, and as was inevitable, Adore and Joslyn found their sad and sorry butts in the bottom two (any fool could hear that train a-comin'), and were forced to lip-synch "Freedom" by Aretha Franklin for their survival. In the sad end, Joslyn was robbed! Even though her lipsynch was about twelve kajillion times better that Adore's (and I watched the damn thing five times to be sure), she was sent packing. Womp-womp.
Predictions! Darienne finally goes down (if I keep saying it eventually it has to happen, right?), Adore hangs on by the skin of her teeth, Ben and Bianca remain top two. And you can quote me on that.