Have you heard of the Bike Master Plan? No? It's an evil plot—it's in the name, master plan—to ban all motor vehicles from Seattle and force your ailing 80-year-old mother into mounting a bike that's too tall for her and riding it up the hill to the top of Queen Anne just to fetch her prescriptions from the drug store.
She'll never make it, but the Bike Master Plan doesn't care.*
"I think it's unacceptable to have a single traffic fatality in this city," said firebrand bike strongman Mike O'Brien (I saw him in person riding one of these two-wheeled instruments of death on Yesler yesterday, smiling menacingly at those of us on foot as he went past), before voting for the plan, which will require roughly $20 million per year over the next twenty years to fully realize.
Sally Bagshaw one-upped him, though, delivering this paean to the cyclist illuminati that runs Seattle with its bicycle-gloved fist: "I'd like to see it done in a quarter of the time."
That earned her a hearty round of chuckles from her fellow municipal legislators, who seem to think they won't have the budgetary resources to make it happen so fast. But Big Bicycle will get its way, I'm sure of it. And before long Seattle will resemble a dark hellscape of cycletracks, where every family looks exactly like this one:
Why pass and fund the Bike Master Plan? Because this: Families biking on Broadway. pic.twitter.com/HabgBO2lOu
— Seattle Bike Blog (@seabikeblog) April 14, 2014
That child looks terrified. Get out while you still can, people. I'm moving to Dallas.