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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Coming Clean

Posted by on Wed, Mar 19, 2014 at 4:18 PM

I know your longstanding advice is to lay all your kink cards on the table early in the relationship. I should have followed that advice. My kink is femdom. Less the humiliation/submissive/I'll-clean-your-house flavor, more the getting-the-tar-knocked-out-of-me-by-a-leather-clad-woman-with-a-whip flavor.

Before I met my wife of five years, I saw a Pro Dom twice. I was an idiot and never mentioned it to her. I had the usual excuses—I was embarrassed, I thought I could control it, I hoped it will go away. That turned out exactly as it always does. I'm not really ashamed of it anymore, and I don't think my wife will find it weird or anything, but the problem is that I want to see a Pro Dom again and not have my wife act this out for me. I just don't think I can suspend my disbelief and do this with my wife. I realize a Pro Dom is acting as well, of course, but my fantasy is about the dungeon and pageantry and taking the punishment of this mysterious dominant woman. I would certainly play this way with my wife, but I don't think that is going to quench my desires. And porn and fantasizing just don't seem to be cutting it anymore.

If my wife told me she wants an orgy with five women, my putting on a wig would not cut it, right?

I have no problem confessing my past or my kink and I fully intend to get it off my chest, Dan, but I don't know what to do about my desire to see a Pro Dom again. I feel it may be selfish of me to just dump that on her and ask her to make a decision—although if she did have a problem with it I absolutely would respect that. I would not take any action without her knowledge and consent... which makes me think maybe I don't really need this after all. Or maybe I'm fooling myself once again by expecting that these desires will just "go away" if I'm told that realizing them is out of the question.

Plenty of people want action outside their marriages, I'm aware, and part of me thinks that I would be an idiot and an asshole to even mention it. A voice in my head says, "You had your chances and now you just need to grow up." I don't mind getting shot down, but the worst case scenario would be that she feels like she can't satisfy me or that I want out of our marriage. That I cannot live with. She's not uptight or anything—she even dabbled in the BDSM scene as a sub before we met. But we've been relatively vanilla and don't really communicate much about our sex life. We just do it and buy each other toys on ocassion. Overall I'd say we are pretty average and happy.

I realize I know my wife best, but what do you think? Should I just keep my mouth shut and keep jerking off? Or is it not out of bounds to express the desire for something like this? I just don't want to regret it even more five years from now.

P R Over Destroying Our Marriage

My response after the jump...


Your wife has some experience in the BDSM scene as a sub—all married men with kinky fantasies should be so lucky—and you're afraid to come out to her about your sub fantasies and two long-ago encounters with a professional dominant?

Stop being such a scrotum (meaning: weak and vulnerable; an antonym for "pussy," which is strong and powerful) and tell your wife everything, PRODOM. These enduring fantasies, the two encounters with professional dominants, your hunch (call it a "worry") that exploring this particular kink wouldn't work with someone you know intimately and love completely, your desire to visit a professional dominant again, your (ahem) unstated concern for her feelings, and your willingness to drop the subject if she's against it.

You are much likelier to get a "go for it" from a woman who explored the BDSM scene as a sub, PRODOM. And who knows? She may want to jump back into the organized BDSM scene herself and you two might look back at your confession/request as the moment your marital sex life went from average-and-happy to amazing-and-ecstatic.

And while you suspect that a BDSM scene with your wife playing the part of the Mysterious Dominant Woman would fall flat, PRODOM, you don't actually know that. Dungeons are available for rent and disbeliefs are there to be suspended. So give your wife a chance to play the your MDW, if she's interested.


Comments (20) RSS

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SchmuckyTheCat 1
Maybe the wife should participate. On either side.. Or both.
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on March 19, 2014 at 5:15 PM · Report this
Helix 2
"Stop being such a scrotum (meaning: weak and vulnerable; an antonym for "pussy," which is strong and powerful)"

Love it. I'm going to start using this.
Posted by Helix on March 19, 2014 at 6:10 PM · Report this
seandr 3
The fact that wife "dabbled" in the BDSM scene as a sub and is now married to another sub has me wondering if she's facing a similar dilemma. Wouldn't be shocked if her response is something like "Wait, you want to see a dom? What a relief - me too!!"
Posted by seandr on March 19, 2014 at 6:26 PM · Report this
Instead of replacing "pussy" with "scrotum", why don't we try dissociating weakness from gender/genitalia entirely?
Posted by dchari on March 19, 2014 at 6:39 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 5
See a dom together?
Posted by TheMisanthrope on March 19, 2014 at 6:57 PM · Report this
I am SO using scrotum now. It reminds me of that Pussy is Tougher comedy bit from a couple years ago:…
Posted by mitten on March 19, 2014 at 7:01 PM · Report this
I think that confessing his past and his fantasies are a must. But he doesn't need to go to "I want to see a ProDomme tomorrow".

I was in his place maybe 12 years ago. I had not confessed my kink cards and after 21 years of suppressing the desires and going to see ProDommes when I couldn't, I confessed my desires to her. This led to her trying to support me in being Domme. It was fabulous for a bit, then it became mechanical. Forward to about 7 years ago and I toold her I had to go see a Pro Domme and she could either be a part of it or not. She chose to be a part of it, we picked out the ProDomme from a short list of ProDommes I wanted to try. The first night she was crazy nervous and by the end of the evening, she has used a Warttenberg wheel, engaged in nipple play, watched me get dildo fucked and receive a golden shower. And when we got home, she didn't let me cum. Next morning she had me eat her and then not cum myself.

She didn't become super Domme and she is still more of a switch. She knows that I have seen ProDommes and she even picked out one for me to see and then I had to tell her about it. The Pordomme took pictures of me for me to show my wife! But we have been to kink parties, she cuckolds me, I suck cocks because that turns her on, and we go to swing clubs. We have profiles on a swinger site and on a BDSM site.

Now I am not suggesting waiting 16 more years and/or putting his fist thru a wall at his drustration at not getting the Dominance he needs. Learn from the crappy way I handled it. You can't keep it in, you have to get your needs met. Or face a life of not doing so.

Confess and let it take baby steps on its own. Let her know one of your fantasies is to be with someone like (insert a not too scary but realistic representation of your fantasy here) She may want to watch porn together. Or look at ProDomme sites. But tell her you dpon't want to lose her but you don't want to go without for the rest of your life.
Posted by wine-o on March 19, 2014 at 7:04 PM · Report this
I'll agree with M? Chari - no need for gynosupremacy (or the androsupremacy one sees in posts from someone or other).

It's hard to decide the most fitting outcome for this one. Mr Savage is much too rosy, and his ending could be the worst of all if the wife would have declined to continue the relationship had the disclosure been made in a timely manner but is in too deep now. That would only incentivize manipulative secret keeping and bomb-dropping. On the other hand, one wants things to improve or there's no incentive to speak. I suppose the thing to hope is that their sex life improves, but that it's too late to reach the awesome level they might have attained had he spoken in a more timely manner. The overall impression is rather like that of Dame Philippa from In This House of Brede comparing her starting her vocation in her prime to Sister Cecily's starting hers at twenty-three.
Posted by vennominon on March 19, 2014 at 9:37 PM · Report this
An aspect Dan didn't touch on - pros are EXPENSIVE. Unless you've got several hundred dollars' worth of discretionary cash to burn on a regular basis, this is a pretty big financial commitment for you as a couple, too. When you do bring up the idea, I'd suggest coupling it with a suggestion for how you can make it not such a financial burden - what can you, personally, give up so your wife isn't having to sacrifice something extra for this?

Also - and this as speaking as a woman in a somewhat kinky but monogamous het marriage - don't present it as something just for you. Sure, it's a fantasy of yours and something you know you'll enjoy, but be open to ways she might get something out of it too. Maybe she can come along, watch, participate, get lessons, watch video afterward, help you pick someone, get veto power, do some of the research into possibilities, etc. That turns it from an ultimatum ("I need this because our relationship isn't working well enough") into a negotiation ("What can we do together to make this relationship even better?").
Posted by Slartibartfast on March 19, 2014 at 10:52 PM · Report this
Ms Fast - There have been a few letters lately raising the financial issue. The last time out, when the letter was from the woman who agreed to her husband's seeing a pro only to complain that it was too often and too expensive a pop, Mr Savage did acknowledge that draining the college funds wasn't a good idea. He did end his advice with a sort of "but... but... but" that, if the expenditure improved the relationship (using what seemed to multiple commentators a slightly off comparison to therapy), wasn't it worth the cost? The difference is that that LW specifically preferred to outsource something she did not want to do herself; presumably this LW's case will be seen differently.

Your conclusion is good, although it seems fair to be open to a partner's choosing as little participation as (s)he likes. Someone with Kink A might be much faster to want to have as little as possible to do with Kink Z than a non-kinkster.
Posted by vennominon on March 20, 2014 at 4:50 AM · Report this
Skye Blu 11
Why couldn't the wife step in and be the Domme? Wouldn't he be able to suspend his disbelief if she had the whole elaborate costume, and special date night for it? Sure buying the equipment might be a bit of cost but still cheaper in the long run than visiting a professional. He could be blindfolded perhaps?
Posted by Skye Blu on March 20, 2014 at 8:18 AM · Report this
I'm with Dan & the others saying that the right way to approach this is to explore together how to make your sex life hotter for both of you.

That may mean seeing a pro-dom together once in a while, or taking flogging classes so you can take turns delivering those lovely intense sensations to each other, or opening the marriage to play (or play & sex) with other people (and letting her see male doms if that's what turns her on). Or all of the above, or new permutations you two come up with. Put your cards on the table, ask her about her submissive tendencies, and have some honest conversations about the future of your marriage. Oh, and if you have young kids, find a fair way to make sure she has as many evenings to go out and explore her sexuality as you do.
Posted by EricaP on March 20, 2014 at 8:44 AM · Report this
This guy is not a sub. He wants a woman with the correct outfit and correct demeanor and correct assemblage of toys, to perform for him, so he gets his rocks off. He wants a service and he is willing to pay for it. This isn't about D/s; its just another married person wanting something that their spouse can't or won't offer. Fortunately there are pro's.
Posted by sarah_anonymous on March 20, 2014 at 12:45 PM · Report this
If God intends for only men and women to pair off sexually, it's one more example of what a evil bastard He is. Men who fuck men are forced to have conversations about who likes what and who does what to whom and how. I assume women who fuck women are having similar conversations. Hetero couples are not forced by their biology to have such conversations, so they remain emotionally 12 yr olds for their entire lives. They are embarrassed and ashamed to ask for what they need. What the species endures just to make babies. Damn You God... but thanks for making me gay.
Posted by kwodell on March 20, 2014 at 1:38 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 15
But we've been relatively vanilla and don't really communicate much about our sex life.

Doctor, I think I found the problem.
Posted by Eudaemonic on March 21, 2014 at 5:43 AM · Report this
nocutename 16
@14 (kwodell): We straights aren't all as emotionally stunted, embarrassed, and ashamed to talk about what we want or need as this couple seems to be. But thanks for the blanket characterization.
Posted by nocutename on March 21, 2014 at 7:36 AM · Report this
Kevin_BGFH 17
One option would be to at least try it with her as the Dom, if she's interested and willing, perhaps with a mask, wig, etc., to help with the suspension of belief that it's not a stranger dominating him.
Posted by Kevin_BGFH on March 21, 2014 at 2:51 PM · Report this
sissoucat 18

I beg to differ. Religious people and conservative people have made it their very business that we straights stay ignorant and bad in bed, but reproduce nonetheless.

They spend so much of their time focusing on our sexual activities, I think, because by making sure every straight lover resents his/her partner about sex, the innumerable conflicts between partners will drain their willpower and resources away, and they won't ever have a chance to think about how come those religious and conservatives get all the fruit of everybody's work, while they do none of the actual work.

Promoting as moral both bad sex and non-communication over sex, is a "divide your enemies" tactic if I ever saw one.

But gays have to break the religious/conservative model of sex, just in order to have sex. Therefore religious/conservatives hate them, and try to exterminate them, less they contaminate the straight flock with their discoveries on better sex.
Posted by sissoucat on March 22, 2014 at 6:06 AM · Report this
What so many men just can't grasp that "real" Female Domination is not about doing something to please a man, it is pleasing ourselves using a man as a tool to get there. You can't "make" a dominant woman out of a vanilla one - she is or she isn't. Coersion, whining and begging will not change that. It takes more than being willing to swing a flogger or crop around to create a dominant woman. It is not something we do, it is who we are.

Posted by Mistress_Silver on March 22, 2014 at 12:55 PM · Report this
nocutename 20
@sissoucat: Your characterization doesn't apply to all straight people. Some of us--a lot of us, actually--have little dealings with religious people or conservatives who have an agenda which is concerned with keeping us repressed. Many of us have no difficulty talking about sex, about our preferences, interests, and aversions, especially in the context of an important relationship, like with a spouse.

Furthermore, and without claiming I know the conversations every single gay person has, while it's true that gay men must have the "bottom, top, or switch" conversation, that doesn't mean that they have covered everything. I'm pretty sure there must be some gay men who have difficulty talking about sex with their partners, just there are straight men and women who don't have difficulty talking about sex with theirs.
Posted by nocutename on March 22, 2014 at 6:15 PM · Report this

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