by Dan Savage
on Wed, Mar 19, 2014 at 4:18 PM
I know your longstanding advice is to lay all your kink cards on the table early in the relationship. I should have followed that advice. My kink is femdom. Less the humiliation/submissive/I'll-clean-your-house flavor, more the getting-the-tar-knocked-out-of-me-by-a-leather-clad-woman-with-a-whip flavor.
Before I met my wife of five years, I saw a Pro Dom twice. I was an idiot and never mentioned it to her. I had the usual excuses—I was embarrassed, I thought I could control it, I hoped it will go away. That turned out exactly as it always does. I'm not really ashamed of it anymore, and I don't think my wife will find it weird or anything, but the problem is that I want to see a Pro Dom again and not have my wife act this out for me. I just don't think I can suspend my disbelief and do this with my wife. I realize a Pro Dom is acting as well, of course, but my fantasy is about the dungeon and pageantry and taking the punishment of this mysterious dominant woman. I would certainly play this way with my wife, but I don't think that is going to quench my desires. And porn and fantasizing just don't seem to be cutting it anymore.
If my wife told me she wants an orgy with five women, my putting on a wig would not cut it, right?
I have no problem confessing my past or my kink and I fully intend to get it off my chest, Dan, but I don't know what to do about my desire to see a Pro Dom again. I feel it may be selfish of me to just dump that on her and ask her to make a decision—although if she did have a problem with it I absolutely would respect that. I would not take any action without her knowledge and consent... which makes me think maybe I don't really need this after all. Or maybe I'm fooling myself once again by expecting that these desires will just "go away" if I'm told that realizing them is out of the question.
Plenty of people want action outside their marriages, I'm aware, and part of me thinks that I would be an idiot and an asshole to even mention it. A voice in my head says, "You had your chances and now you just need to grow up." I don't mind getting shot down, but the worst case scenario would be that she feels like she can't satisfy me or that I want out of our marriage. That I cannot live with. She's not uptight or anything—she even dabbled in the BDSM scene as a sub before we met. But we've been relatively vanilla and don't really communicate much about our sex life. We just do it and buy each other toys on ocassion. Overall I'd say we are pretty average and happy.
I realize I know my wife best, but what do you think? Should I just keep my mouth shut and keep jerking off? Or is it not out of bounds to express the desire for something like this? I just don't want to regret it even more five years from now.
P R Over Destroying Our Marriage
My response after the jump...
Your wife has some experience in the BDSM scene as a sub—all married men with kinky fantasies should be so lucky—and you're afraid to come out to her about your sub fantasies and two long-ago encounters with a professional dominant?
Stop being such a scrotum (meaning: weak and vulnerable; an antonym for "pussy," which is strong and powerful) and tell your wife everything, PRODOM. These enduring fantasies, the two encounters with professional dominants, your hunch (call it a "worry") that exploring this particular kink wouldn't work with someone you know intimately and love completely, your desire to visit a professional dominant again, your (ahem) unstated concern for her feelings, and your willingness to drop the subject if she's against it.
You are much likelier to get a "go for it" from a woman who explored the BDSM scene as a sub, PRODOM. And who knows? She may want to jump back into the organized BDSM scene herself and you two might look back at your confession/request as the moment your marital sex life went from average-and-happy to amazing-and-ecstatic.
And while you suspect that a BDSM scene with your wife playing the part of the Mysterious Dominant Woman would fall flat, PRODOM, you don't actually know that. Dungeons are available for rent and disbeliefs are there to be suspended. So give your wife a chance to play the your MDW, if she's interested.