So I turn 42 tomorrow. Please hold your applause until I am dead.
This isn’t a post about getting older. This is about disappointment, for I was born on the single worst day in music history. Let’s look at the facts:
Sharing my birthday, we have:
— Phil Lesh from the Grateful Fucking Dead. I could close up shop right here, but why ruin a good thing?
— Mike Love, the guy from the Beach Boys who wears a captain’s hat because of a 73 year old case of early onset dementia.
— Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. They weren’t a terrible band, but let’s not kid ourselves, folks. This fact isn’t railroading the narrative.
— Sly Stone, who… well, ok. I can’t complain, but Albert Brooks did, in print, to Playboy Magazine in 1999:
"I opened for Sly and the Family Stone in '73. At that time, Sly was known to snort large cities... We were in Tacoma, Washington, and it was 7 pm and the show was supposed to start at 7:30. His manager came to my dressing room and said, 'How long [a routine] do you do? I said, 'With this crowd, maybe 15 minutes.' He said, 'What's the longest you can do?' I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Sly is in Ohio.'"
"I was off in eight minutes. I swear to God, somebody threw the top of a beer can and it cut me. I was so upset, right before I left the stage, I actually said to the crowd, 'I'm going on Johnny Carson and telling everybody how bad you are.' As if all these people would immediately stop and go, uh-oh."
— Terrence Trent D’arby and Rockwell. That pairing has the makings of a terrible Freaky Friday reboot. I mean, would you even be able to tell if they switched places?
— Poison’s Bret Michaels and Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath. Ditto.
— Mark Hoppus of Blink 182, who shares both birth and date year with me, so if I ever meet him and ask “What’s My Age Again?”—KILL ME.
— Will.I.Am, taking this musical March 15 curse into a new generation. It almost makes me shudder to think what future bad rock star is being born tomorrow. And there’s nothing we can do about it unless we develop some kind of Terminator-type, you know… terminator. Hurry up, science!
But it’s not just births that make this a bad day. On this date in 1975, Olivia Newton John’s “Have You Ever Been Mellow” tops the charts.
Starship accomplished the same feat in 1986 with "Sara". Yes, it's a terrible song. More importantly, the momentum started by the loathsome "We Built This City" gains some steam with this follow-up. Next stop: the theme from Mannequin.
That song got nominated for an Oscar and netted the songwriters millions of dollars. Meanwhile, you thought about donating plasma 15 minutes ago.
In other music news on this date in 1979, Elvis Costello throws a fit at a party and refers to Ray Charles as the n-word. Which is funny because on March 15, 1956, the original Elvis signs on with his new manager, the greedy and garish Col Tom Parker.
Anyhow, is your birthday worse than mine when it comes to the history of music? I’m gonna need some proof in the comments. Winner gets a funny hat, if they happen to find one on the street.