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Thursday, March 13, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Sweat Ickquity

Posted by on Thu, Mar 13, 2014 at 1:21 PM

Originally posted on August 24, 2011.

I'm unemployed in Oregon and trying to come up with simple ways to make rent. My dear wife and I would like your opinion on the legality of selling my teenage son's sweaty gym clothes online. It sounds rather skeezy, I realize, and I'm only half-joking here. If we had a nonsexual website with pictures that weren't necessarily of my son, would that be buffer enough? Would this be seen as me whoring out the boy? He's up for it—as long as he gets his cut—but could I go to jail for this? He is 14.

Pimpin' Out Real Teen's Leftover, Acrid, Nasty Duds

My response after the jump...

Speaking parent-to-parent, PORTLAND, informing your 14-year-old son that there are perverts all over the internet who would be willing to pay him for his sweaty gym clothes wasn't the best idea. Whatever you ultimately decide to do with his sweaty jocks, shorts, and T-shirts—and I vote for tossing them in the wash—dangling the money your son could make catering to the desires of online pervs in front of him might inspire him to go into business for himself, whatever you decide to do. So keep an eye on his internet usage, okay? As for the legal issues...

"Selling a physical property—sweat—might be an issue," said Chris O'Connor, a public defender in Portland, Oregon. "Also, he could be [charged with] fraud and misrepresentation for selling clothing he says is his 14-year-old son's but isn't."

Even if no dissatisfied customers go running to the chamber of commerce, PORTLAND, there are other potential problems. For instance, as your son's sweaty gym clothes make their way from his bedroom floor to the hands of underpants-huffing pervs all over the world, some items would travel—via US mail or UPS or FedEx—through different jurisdictions. While there may not be a statute in Oregon that you could be prosecuted under for selling his undies, Mississippi or Illinois or Vatican City "may have specific laws, too," says O'Connor, laws that you could be violating.

The biggest potential problem: Underpants huffers wanna know exactly whose underpants they're huffing. That means you'll have to include pictures and biographical info on your website, PORTLAND, and involving a minor—even a fake/buffer one—in what many police officers, district attorneys, judges, and some sex-advice columnists see as a kind of gateway sex work will quickly add arrest, prosecution, incarceration, crushing legal bills, and a lifetime on a sex-offender registry to your current troubles. Even if the authorities can't point to a particular law that criminalizes your home business, they'll find something to charge you with.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now, PORTLAND, but I think you should come up with another way to make rent.

 

Comments (25) RSS

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Fnarf 1
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on March 13, 2014 at 1:56 PM · Report this
2
Since these parent of the year contenders have already talked to their son about this, I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that the first (or 10th) shipment is already in the mail. My advice would be to 1. STOP IT. 2. Destroy the hard drive on your computer NOW. 3. Brush up on what sorts of legal aid are available in your area and keep a few numbers handy.
This is just the kind of thing a 14 yr. old boy would love bragging to his buddies about and word gets around really fast these days. Social media and all, you know? Also, start thinking about who you want your son to live with after you and mom are in shackles.
Posted by kwodell on March 13, 2014 at 1:59 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 3
One of the weirder letters I've seen in a while...
Posted by Urgutha Forka on March 13, 2014 at 2:00 PM · Report this
Ophian 4
WTF. How did that even sound like a vaguely good idea for even...at all‽

LW, before you even consider--for a nanosecond--making money by sexualizing your under-aged son, you should already be putting yourself out on the street corner with a sign: Will suck dick for dollars.

And then--before you even open your mouth--you should discard the idea permanently, and meditate deeply on what a deficient person and unfit father you are.

It is really the only decent thing to do.
Posted by Ophian on March 13, 2014 at 2:02 PM · Report this
5
It takes a mother and father...
Posted by sloggerette on March 13, 2014 at 2:06 PM · Report this
forcrimeinitaly 6
Why aren't you selling your dear wife's panties to the internet pervs? There are quite a few panty sniffers who like that sort of thing and being an adult she can actually consent to such an act.
Also, less time in jail.
And finally, gross.
Posted by forcrimeinitaly on March 13, 2014 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Allyn 7
Oh, I remember this one. I wonder how they're doing, if their finances are in a better place, if he's in jail, if the kid is a 16yo prostitute...
Posted by Allyn on March 13, 2014 at 2:46 PM · Report this
treacle 8
o_O

Sell your OWN damn tighty-whities, dude, or have your wife sell hers.

Even thinking for a second that might be a good idea --LET ALONE telling your 14-yo son about it-- is so far out of line that I can't even come up with a good metaphor.

Go sell drugs or something else respectable like that.
Posted by treacle on March 13, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
brandon 9
I'm never one to pass moral judgment on others. Except when it is so obviously deserved.

WTF is wrong with this guy?! Who cares if it's illegal. It's just fucking wrong!

Jesus christ, this one didn't deserve more than a 1 sentence response.

I suspect it is fake.
Posted by brandon on March 13, 2014 at 3:07 PM · Report this
10
The sex work industry doesn't deserve this couple.
Posted by vennominon on March 13, 2014 at 3:14 PM · Report this
11
@7 The odds are against it. It's much likelier that the boy is now 17 years old than 16 years old.
Posted by uncreative on March 13, 2014 at 3:49 PM · Report this
12
@1

Yes, that pretty much sums up my feelings too.

14-year-old kid: if you are reading this, move to your grandparents' house, or your aunt or uncle's house, or really anywhere. Don't stay with your parents.

And, letter-writer, I think that maybe the reason you're unemployed is that you're unemployable as a result of being completely nuts.
Posted by sh1331 on March 13, 2014 at 4:35 PM · Report this
13
Hey everybody, this letter was originally published 3 years ago (Dan's apparently on vacation. AGAIN), so chill out. You should be giving this guy advice like "pick out the biggest guy in your cell block and attack him --that will earn you some respect -- . . . and tell everybody you're in for murder, not for selling your (now 17 year old) son's sweats."
Posted by sophist2 on March 13, 2014 at 5:36 PM · Report this
ragu 14
@1 Sometimes no means yes.
Posted by ragu on March 13, 2014 at 7:13 PM · Report this
15
I'm not into the sweat-soaked garments thing at all (give me someone fresh out of the shower any day!) but I'm guessing that for those who do, only a tiny minority would want those of a 14-year-old. I'd guess it's more of a college jock kind of fantasy.
Posted by RealityBites on March 13, 2014 at 7:14 PM · Report this
16
The boyfriend and I can't adopt, but these people are allowed to raise a kid. Yup. Totally makes sense.
Posted by CB_Young on March 13, 2014 at 9:02 PM · Report this
seandr 17
You'd make a lot more money if your kid was a chick.
Posted by seandr on March 13, 2014 at 10:41 PM · Report this
18
Are they seriously floating the idea of sexualizing their underaged child for profit? Woah, skeevy. I hope they found a much better way of making rent.
Posted by Srsly on March 13, 2014 at 11:06 PM · Report this
Helix 19
What the fuck is wrong with you and your wife that you even considered this, LW.
Posted by Helix on March 14, 2014 at 9:31 AM · Report this
very bad homo 20
Have him get a paper route instead, geeze.
Posted by very bad homo on March 14, 2014 at 11:38 AM · Report this
LaSargenta 21
Faaaaaaake!
Posted by LaSargenta on March 14, 2014 at 12:18 PM · Report this
22
Lame, even I remember this original letter, post your whole inbox Dan. I'll read it.
Posted by arachnar on March 14, 2014 at 5:54 PM · Report this
sissoucat 23
They should think of prostituting themselves before prostituting the kid. But they don't.

What else have they asked the kid to do, just for mom and dad ?
Posted by sissoucat on March 15, 2014 at 3:30 AM · Report this
24
When I read these reruns, especially the really bizarre ones like this, I wonder what became of those people.
Posted by mother of two on March 15, 2014 at 7:51 PM · Report this
persimmon 25
Are we polling this one? Because I vote with Fnarf.
Posted by persimmon on March 16, 2014 at 6:02 PM · Report this

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