A Jimi Hendrix movie without any Hendrix songs? It’s bad enough that Andre 3000 is way too old to be playing Seattle’s favorite son (sorry, Tom Skerritt), but this is too much. Remember, the folks who control the rights to these songs had no problem handing the keys to Pepsi.
If there ain't gonna be any Jimi tunes, you may as well not even bother with the facts. Hell, just make the whole thing up...
Here’s what I wanna see:
— Public domain music is fair game. So make his signature tune "Turkey In The Straw". His freewheeling, psychedelic take on the creaky children's tune can also form the spine of the "rise to fame" montage. (You know, shots of Jimi playing, smoking dope, sexing the ladies, counting his money, etc.)
— Instead of setting his guitar on fire at the climax of the Monterey show, Hendrix does Gallagher’s Sledge-O-Matic routine.
— Jimi Hendrix beats the ever loving shit out of John Denver. With some D-cell batteries stuffed in a sock. For at least 7 minutes.
— Hendrix is a naive new teacher sent to the worst school in the city. He can't get through to his students. That is, until he uses non-traditional methods, like barbiturates, paisley clothing, and guitar solos. SPOILER: They all get A’s in Calculus.
— Officer James Hendrix has one week left until retirement. He has to solve the murder of his old partner with a little help from the new guy on the force. Meet his new partner in Disney’s Hendrix & Hooch.
— The Hangover Part Four, starring Jimi Hendrix (Andre 3000), Jerry Garcia (Zach Galifianakis), and Neil Young (an old shoe).
— Hendrix Babies, a wacky cartoon with pint sized versions of Hendrix, Janis Joplin, David Crosby, Sonny & Cher, Pete Townsend, and Peter Noone.
— Alternate universe Jimi, where he gets a desk job and works his way up to branch manager. Marries, has three kids, and goes antiquing with the missus on the weekends. Never picks up a guitar. (“I’m shy.”) Dies of SARS in 2003 after a business trip to Toronto.
I know, these ideas will never happen. They’re too good. But if nothing else, limit the movie to the story of the ill-fated tour that had Hendrix opening for the Monkees. Yes, there was a time when a man in tight pants humped his guitar in front of 12 year old girls who just wanted to see Davy Jones. And Hendrix hated the Monkees, which was obvious because he was once quoted as saying “Oh, God! I hate them.” Plus the Monkees will let anybody use their songs. See? Better movie already. Come on Hollywood!