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Thursday, March 6, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Screamers

Posted by on Thu, Mar 6, 2014 at 2:40 PM

Originally posted on October 7, 2010

I am a 23-year-old lesbian with a beautiful girlfriend whom I met a month ago. Here's the problem: She screams so loudly throughout sex that I am concerned for my roommate and other people who live in our building, as well as the entire neighborhood. I would know how to handle this situation if she were completely mute during sex—draw her out, make it into a game, etc.—but I'm scared of telling her she's too loud, because I don't want to hamper her enjoyment. I even tried to make this into a role-play game where we would pretend we needed to be silent for some reason, but nothing makes a difference.

How can I approach this without making her self-conscious?

Lesbian Over Ungodly Din.

My response after the jump...

You don't want to make her self-conscious, and that's a lovely impulse, but she's making you self-conscious, LOUD, and you're just going to have to risk making her self-conscious. Because we're not talking about a few loud yelps or screams at the climax(es) of the act(s), which is something a roommate or a neighbor can reasonably be expected to endure, but caterwauling throughout. That's not okay. Tell the new girlfriend that the yelling wouldn't be a problem if you lived on 200 acres of land, but you live in an apartment building, in the city, and you have a roommate and neighbors.

Under those circumstances, you have a right to ask her to stifle herself. And if she reacts badly, or if she sulks like a child, then she's obviously not mature enough to waste your valuable time (and tongue) on.


Comments (36) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
I'm the same way. Just get her to scream into a pillow or use a ball gag.
Posted by Amanda on March 6, 2014 at 2:46 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 2
Tell loud partners to scream in the pillow. But this brings up a question. Are women louder than men during? It sure seems that way.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on March 6, 2014 at 2:47 PM · Report this
Fnarf 3
This brings back unhappy memories of a former housemate who screamed bloody murder for half an hour at a go, every damn night.
Posted by Fnarf on March 6, 2014 at 2:47 PM · Report this
TomJohnsonJr 4
They could move to the Laurelton!
Posted by TomJohnsonJr on March 6, 2014 at 2:49 PM · Report this
seandr 5
@1: So is it, like, an involuntary thing?
Posted by seandr on March 6, 2014 at 2:55 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 6
Ugh. I had a screamer next door to my old building, and she'd frequently go at it at 1:30 on a school night. Then one night she was uncharacteristically going at it at like 8 pm, and that's when I realized that she was leaving her window blinds wide open and the lights on. Exhibitionism, anyone?
Posted by keshmeshi on March 6, 2014 at 3:08 PM · Report this
One of my neighbors in my apartment complex had a gf who would scream bloody murder ALL NIGHT while having sex. It got to the point where more than one of us had to confront them, tell them we'd have to call the police, and talk to the building owner.

And when I say, "scream bloody murder", I mean it literally sounded like she was being murdered. Or at least running away from zombies.
Posted by Bloated Jesus is Bloated on March 6, 2014 at 3:11 PM · Report this
Allyn 8
@5 Yes.
If I have to concentrate on being quiet, I find I am taken out of the moment and am less likely to, well, need to make any noise. Pillows over the face work, tape over the mouth (I'm not a fan of ball gags, personally), and houses are great - cheap hotel rooms by the freeway also help to hide the noise.

@2 Yes.
Women are typically the noisiest at sex.
Posted by Allyn on March 6, 2014 at 3:20 PM · Report this
brandon 9
If she's that loud I'd be concerned she's faking it. There's such a thing as over acting. I refer to it as "Shatnering".
Posted by brandon on March 6, 2014 at 3:29 PM · Report this
@5 -- It's pretty much involuntary for me. I can control it if we're staying away from home somewhere I know we need to be a lot quieter, but when we're at home and uninhibited, the screaming comes naturally. It would kind of suck if I had to be conscious of trying to control it all the time.
Posted by Amanda on March 6, 2014 at 3:30 PM · Report this
letter writer should shave more often.

her bristle is chaffing screamer's tender bits, eliciting uncontrollable screaming.

either that; or, yeah, @6 nails it- showing out.

in which case shove her panties in her mouth
Posted by 107th on March 6, 2014 at 3:40 PM · Report this
Posted by kitschnsync on March 6, 2014 at 3:46 PM · Report this
Supreme Ruler Of The Universe 13

Your next bedroom is an Anechoic Chamber:…
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe on March 6, 2014 at 3:51 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 14
She should post a video to let us know how it went.
Posted by mikethehammer on March 6, 2014 at 4:05 PM · Report this
treacle 15
Anyone have any specific tips on exactly how to open the conversation that LOUD needs to have with her partner?
Posted by treacle on March 6, 2014 at 4:40 PM · Report this
@15 The usual way uncomfortable but important conversations have to be started: on a weekend afternoon when you're both relaxed and not doing whatever the conversation is about. (having sex, paying bills, disciplining the children, etc.)

She says "Honey, listen, I've been getting some complaints from the neighbors. When we have sex, you are really loud the whole way through. It's very flattering to me, obviously, but we have a lot of physically close neighbors. They don't want free porn and I don't want to give it to them. What do you think we can do to minimize the noise without making sex not fun for you?" and then they trade suggestions like pillows, ball gags, cheap motels by the highway, etc.
Posted by Action Kate on March 6, 2014 at 4:51 PM · Report this
@15, personally, I'd wait until some neighbor / roomie made a comment about it. That leads easily to a conversation where you discuss how you just realized, because of the outside comment, that it must be bothering people. And then you brainstorm together about ways to mitigate the problem.

But bringing it up on your own risks sounding a bit neurotic. "What, you're worried I might bother someone? But no one seems bothered except you? Okay then."
Posted by EricaP on March 6, 2014 at 4:51 PM · Report this
Sounds like the LW is over-thinking the issue of how to bring this up. Then again, I probably wouldn't have sex with anyone who I wasn't comfortable talking with about this type of thing. But yeah, like @16 said. Only better, don't name a huge deal over it. If you're struggling to figure out how to communicate about something as simple as this, you've got a long, difficult road ahead of you.
Posted by Amanda on March 6, 2014 at 5:40 PM · Report this
@17> "personally, I'd wait until some neighbor / roomie made a comment about it. "

YES! Let someone else be the bad guy. Then they are on the same side about problem solving the fabulous sex with fewer decibels. Note the letter must APPEAR to be from an anonymous neighbor, not ACTUALLY be from a neighbor - if the LW can vary her handwriting / font. And thoroughly clear her document back-up history.
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on March 6, 2014 at 5:57 PM · Report this
Fnarf 20
On the other hand, recent studies have indicated that most FCV in women does not accompany their own orgasm, but rather their partner’s ejaculation. The study showed that the man typically finds the woman’s vocalization sexy and highly exciting, and that the woman herself is aware of this. Most women in the study, furthermore, indicated that they vocalized during intercourse to make their man ejaculate more quickly, or to boost his enjoyment and self-esteem, or both.[8]
The reasons that women gave for wanting to force a quick ejaculation include the alleviation of the woman’s pain, fatigue, or even boredom
Posted by Fnarf on March 6, 2014 at 6:03 PM · Report this
@20: My mother was a screamer. I once asked her why she had to make so much goddamned noise and she said, "Men like it better that way." Ugh.
Posted by hurrdahurr on March 6, 2014 at 6:26 PM · Report this
seandr 22
@12: The Sex at Dawn crowd claim that the purpose of "female copulatory vocalization" is to sexually excite other nearby males in the interest of promoting "sperm competition".

Based on the comments here and my own experiences overhearing it, it seems to have exactly the opposite effect.
Posted by seandr on March 6, 2014 at 6:32 PM · Report this
seandr 23
@15: Leave a note under the door that says:

Thank you for the wonderful screaming show you've been putting on. Every time I hear it, I stop what I'm going and fervently stroke my penis. I usually try to time my orgasms with yours, but sometimes I just can't hold out. Now that you know, perhaps you'll think of me next time? Wow, I'm getting excited just imagining that.

- One of your neighbors
Posted by seandr on March 6, 2014 at 6:45 PM · Report this
Gou Tongzhi 24
Why are people some dumb? If I think a partner is too loud, I laughingly and conspiratorially breathe in her ear a request to quiet down right then and there: "the neighbors!" or whatever. If she does, great. If she can't, I may be self-conscious but damn flattered.

What I'm saying is, can't you just, you know, communicate with someone you're fucking?
Posted by Gou Tongzhi on March 6, 2014 at 7:07 PM · Report this
@20 - would that mean lesbians are quieter? Maybe the gf's been with men of late, while the letter writer, unaccustomed to the vocal training of women who have sex with men, is just surprised at what might be normal volume for a bi girl. Someone needs to do a study (can you imagine presenting this research at a seminar? Playing clips?).
Posted by gnot on March 6, 2014 at 7:45 PM · Report this
Cat in fez 26
I thought science had shown both genders have greater pleasure on average if they are vocalizing?

I am not one of these 'compulsive screaming the whole time' women, but if there's nothing to stop me, I trend loud. And without a partner of either gender, I orgasm far faster if I'm vocalizing (even softly). It's almost as if women can also find things hot, and that fuels their sexual pleasure, and they can do those things...without a man present! (Who'd have thought I'd end up saying that sarcastically in THIS comment section?)
Posted by Cat in fez on March 6, 2014 at 8:45 PM · Report this
Spend some dough and get better soundproofing on your bedroom. Walls, ceiling, floor, door(s), window(s). Both of you, make a project out of it.
Posted by Swobbie on March 6, 2014 at 11:17 PM · Report this
A coworker of mine, a bit of an airhead, once told me angrily, "my neighbors say I'm too loud during sex, and that's none of their business!"
She honestly thought they were saying it was sinful, or improper, or something.
Soooo hard not to laugh.
Posted by smoakes on March 7, 2014 at 1:45 AM · Report this
@2 Women *ARE* louder than men, on the whole. My knowledge is rusty, but there's a concept called "Female Copulatory Vocalization" which occurs in many primate species.

The short of it is, females are much more likely than males to make vocal noises during sex. I'm not sure if you look at just those people who vocalize that women are louder than men.
Posted by fetish on March 7, 2014 at 4:29 AM · Report this
gttim 30
"Hey, lets not piss off my neighbors!" Is that so hard? My GF screams into a pillow. Problem solved.
Posted by gttim on March 7, 2014 at 7:13 AM · Report this
Although I agree with your response, Dan, I do recall some (bad) advice you gave to someone on the other side of this situation, who had to endure his neighbor's late-night screaming during sex. I seem to recall you told the guy to chill out, and added a little lecture about how everyone has the right to scream and yelp during sex. If my memory is correct, how do you reconcile these two pieces of advice?
Posted by Xian-Qi on March 7, 2014 at 1:02 PM · Report this
What 27 said. Also, 23 with the addition of some lightly beaten egg white to the edges of the note. And a big glob blurring the signature.
Posted by kwodell on March 7, 2014 at 1:43 PM · Report this
Pillows work but require at least one arm to be dedicated to using it and still being able to breathe. Ball gags are good for stifling speech, but not so good at general noise. A bunched up wash cloth works pretty well and requires little hand/arm work. A spiral rope gag is good for noise and works hands free. The trick with the last two is to bite down when you want to stifle, and open up when you need take a big breath.

Posted by vab251 on March 7, 2014 at 3:07 PM · Report this
BE VERY CAREFUL when screaming into a pillow. I had to go to the hospital once because of the pressure caused by stifling myself in a pillow. Excruciating head pain that instantly turned into vomiting. I ended up getting a CO scan and a lumbar puncture to test my spinal fluid. They found nothing, but told me not to do that anymore. Between disturbing the neighbors and blowing a blood vessel in my brain, the neighbors lose.
Posted by Squirly on March 7, 2014 at 7:20 PM · Report this
@34 Which pressure are you talking about? Just trying to understand what to avoid...
Posted by puddles on March 7, 2014 at 9:19 PM · Report this
Lesbians having regular sex?!? That's a thing now?

Oh, "with a beautiful girlfriend whom I met a month ago".

Your problem will resolve within 5 months. Or less.
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on March 8, 2014 at 12:43 AM · Report this

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