It's Ash Wednesday: That's not printer toner.

Calories, Schmalories: The World Health Organization says only 5% of calories should be from sugar. The World Health Organization has never shared an office with Dan Savage, Patron Saint of Cookies.

Straight Up Bonin': It's possible that human bones have been found along the Columbia River after the water level was lowered to do some repairs on a dam. Maybe it's just an otter, which, thanks to early childhood books, is literally the only thing I think about when I hear about dams.

We Don't Know What It Is, So Let's Tax the Shit Out of It: Is it a cigarette? Is it an updated hookah? Is it just "nicotine infused juices," the worst phrase I've ever read? Lawmakers can't figure out that e-cigs are water vapor, so they want to tax them like cigarettes just in case.

Sacre Oh Shit!: French chefs are freaking out because worms are eating all of the escargot. "All the snails in Europe could be wiped out." I can't wait for the movie version of this—Liam Neeson is going to fuck those worms up!

A Spokane Man Won the Pot Showcase Showdown: And might get the state's first marijuana license. Please respect his privacy during this difficult time.

Low Wage, High Rage: Students showed up at Seattle Community College yesterday to voice their concerns about the proposed minimum wage hike. One student is worried he'll lose his restaurant job if the minimum wage is increased, whereas I'm worried that a college student working in a restaurant makes more money than me.

Creepy Crawling: Olympia police have arrested a suspected abductor, and fear that he may have many more victims.

The Real Million Dollar Drug Dealers of Lynnwood: An accused drug dealer may have had up to $3 million hidden in his basement.

What Kind of Fuckery Is This: A teenage girl is suing her parents because they refused to pay for her college education. Oh, it's like that? I have a list going back to 1985 that includes a Pogo Ball, some He-Man figurines, and a Huffy bike I never got. TIME TO PAY UP, GRANDMA.

Forgot You Were Even Up There: The Hubble Space Telescope caught young stars being ripped away from the galaxy. It's like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan all over again. Shame.

Speaking of Lohan: How fucked up is your life when Oprah Winfrey steps in to be your life coach? We're going to find out, because Lindsay Lohan has a new show documenting her life coming out on OWN.