Did you watch last night? If not, catch up immediately above!
First of all: WHO THE FUCK IS MAGNOLIA CRAWFORD? From Seattle? Honestly? I realize that “she doesn’t live here anymore” or whatever, but I’ve been up to my throbbing earbobs in every drag queen this city has produced since God was a little girl in pigtails, and I ain’t never done heard of no stinking Magnolia Crawford. Something is totally wrong here. I suspect CIA involvement. It’s really annoying.
Also! Let’s get something (ahem) straight: I was totally, completely and temporarily INSANE—maybe even slightly BRAIN DAMAGED —when I said that Laganja Estranga was my favorite new kween of the season (after Ben, of course, after Ben). My favorite (after Ben!) is clearly April Carrion because REASONS. Please make a note of it.
So! Episode 2 was really boring and lame and totally stupid because a) there was no Ben Delacreme in it, and b) it was basically just a limp repeat of last week’s episode. There are TWO premieres this season you’ll recall, and since they split the girls into two groups of seven, we were forced to watch the new girls slog through the same challenges we watched the other seven (far superior and more interesting queens, if you ask me) go through last week.
Let’s meet the new girls...
First up is Bianca Del Rio, who totally scares the shit out of me. She’s from New Orleans, applies her makeup with a machine gun, and she’s meaner than a piranha in pumps. (“I’m an ‘insult comic” she says, and she’s not kidding—sadly, none of her “zingers” we really funny or very memorable.)
Next enter Trinity K. Bonet, who seems very nice, and kind of looks like a skinny Patti Labelle. She wore a weird rhinestone thingy across her face (I have NO idea) and her voice is like James Earl Jones on helium.
Then we have the adorable Joslyn Fox who is perkier than ice cream nipples and seems about as sharp as the blunt end of a hammer.
Up next we meet a queen called “Milk” (used in the verb sense of the word, I suspect), and WHOA. She busted in wearing some crazed lion-tamer-meets-bullfighter drag that made my eyeballs throb, with a big phony gap in her teeth that Madonna’s mouth would envy and toilet paper hanging from her shoe! I think she’s probably my favorite of the second group of girls, but don’t hold me to that. (I’ve been fooled before.) And I guess it doesn’t hurt too much that she’s a fairly super-hot guy under all that makeup. Not that I’m letting that sway my opinion. Ahem. (Call me!)
NOW we come to this alleged “Magnolia Crawford” creature. She claims right off the bat that she’s from Seattle, the filthy lying bitch. This just can’t be possible. If I saw some queen walking around all looking like a busted Cyndi Lauper had a bastard lovechild with Neelix from Star Trek Deep Space Nine, I’d have taken note. That’s all I’m saying. (Also? She’s got a BAD. ATTITUDE.)
Next we come to Courtney Act, a bouncy blond who passes for a female better than most, um, females. She’s from Australia, but beyond the accent, she’s just not very interesting. She’s kind of a famous singer down under, so. That’s something, I suppose. But she strikes me as a glass of skim milk in a wig.
Then Darrien Lake comes bursting into the room, all gigantic and sassy, advising no one in particular to, “widen the doorways and reinforce the runway, honey, ‘cuz the big girl’s in the house!” She definitely gave the best (and biggest) entrance. Sadly she got on the show through their annual online popularity contest, and those girls never seem to fare too well, do they?
And they’re off!
As I mentioned, the girls basically jump through the same ol’ hoops that the girls last week did (Hi, Ben! We miss you!), beginning with the photo challenge. But instead of risking their pretty little necks by suicide-jumping from a platform into a big bin of foam rubber, all these queens had to do was try to be sexy lying on a bed surrounded by hot almost naked men, which doesn’t seem like very much of a challenge to me. (If you’re NOT automatically sexy playing pillow fight on a bed of hot almost naked men, there’s something seriously wrong with you. Slap your mother.)
Courtney surprised me by being really funny and cute and sexy, Joslyn was fairly adorable too, and Magnolia Crawford blew chunks (the lying bitch). The cutest quip? Bianca, believe it or not, who snuggled up to the shirtless pit crew and said, “I’m from the South, so it feels like I’m with my cousins!” HA! Okay, Bianca. That one was funny. Anyway, Trinity won the challenge, which surprised me. I’m going to have to take a closer look at her.
For our next challenge, the girls are presented with a bunch of boxes full of crap and an imperative to create a little haute couture out of the mess. The party package themes were luau, princess party, quinceanera, and so forth. (This of course leads to the runway where they show their creations off.) The winner of the photo challenge gets to pick first, then dole out the rest of the boxes. Trinity took the princess party box, which seems quite apropos. She gave Darrien the St. Patrick’s party box, Magnolia (LIAR!) got “hoedown” (ahem), and poor Courtney got (ugh) the “republican party”. Milk got the toga party! I hope we see some flesh…
Next we are faced with RuPaul’s traditional walk through critique as the queens fiddle with their boxes. We discover firstly that OH MY GOD. This group of queens contains more attractive boys per square inch than any that has preceded it, ever. (Courtney, Milk, even that lying little byotch Magnolia are all fairly HUBBA HUBBA sans the wigs and lashes. Believe it.) We also learn that Darrien has no clue, that Courtney Act’s name is allegedly supposed to sound like “Caught in the Act” with an Australian accent, Milk likes to wear acid-washed hotpants (swoon!) and we get a nice big dose of Magnolia’s BAD ATTITUDE. Sheesh.
Michele, Santino, and Ru herself were the runway firing squad as usual, with guest shooter, that Khloe Kardashian person one hears SO much about these days. (Gag, wretch, PUKE. Excuse me.)
Trinity looked like a fabulous futuristic Bjork video in a tinfoil Princess Amidala dress (a clever little minx, our Trinity, she’s really growing on me), Magnolia wore a zebra print mess of nothing and a big broke face! BROKE FACE! (I KNOW the work studio has light and mirrors, so I fail to grasp her problem. And that wig? Barbara Bush’s worst cotton candy nightmare). Courtney showed an amazing amount of versatility and talent by wrapping a piece of blue fabric around her waist, and…Milk. Milk came out it what can only be described as wizard garb, in a white pantsuit and…a long grizzled white Fu Manchu beard. It was a risk that paid off… but mostly for Bianca, who won the challenge somehow dressed like a giant fruit cocktail.
Darien, Magnolia, and Magnolia’s bad attitude found themselves in the bottom two, and were forced to lip-synch to "Turn the Beat Around," a song I enjoyed until I witnessed these two queens having apoplectic seizures to it. (Somebody put a wallet in their mouths before they swallow their tongues!) It was tragic beyond the telling of it. They barely even knew the words! (Lip-synching job NUMERO UNO.)
But in the end, erstwhile “Seattleite” Magnolia was worse than Darien, and GOOD BYE, LIARFACE! She sashayed off to take her terrible tall tales elsewhere. And what a relief—now we can go on to focusing on the REAL Seattle boy in this competition: BEN! BEN! BEN! Woohoooo!
Next week the two groups of queens finally face off in a rumble, and the tension is mounting! This is getting good…