5:23 PM: Hello fellow Oscar witnesses! We're nine minutes from the start of the Oscars and we've already seen Lupita Nyong'o looking insanely gorgeous and 30 commercials for the American version of The Returned.
5:25 PM: "The amount of air kissing is just phenomenal!"—blonde ABC host, surveying the crowd.
5:26 PM: Sprint, stop trying to make "framily" happen.
5:31 PM America's favorite person is a lesbian. And tonight, she's dressed like a member of Prince's Revolution.
5:33 PM: Both the real Philomena and the real Captain Phillips are in the house.
5:34 PM: Even at her very best, one Ellen just can't compete with the team of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.
5:39 PM: Ellen to Jonah Hill, "[In Wolf of Wall Street], you showed me something I haven't seen in a long, long time." Zing!
5:40 PM: Best supporting actor! (Like a good jewelry shopper, the Oscar will go to Jared.)
5:42 PM Jordan Catalano wins the Oscar!
5:31 PM Jared Leto says amazing things about his mom, then offers words of support to Ukraine and Venezuela.
5:47 PM: "Don't patronize me!"—Jim Carrey, to applauding audience. He's here because he loves Bruce Dern?
5:48 PM: No wait. Jim Carrey is only happy Bruce Dern is there so he can do his shitty, overinsistent Bruce Dern impersonation. He's a monster.
5:49 PM: Kerry Washington introduces Pharrell, who's wearing his Grammy hat again.
5:52 PM: Pharrell greeted by dancing Lupita and Streep!
5:57 PM: It was mean of those prankster kids to toilet-paper Naomi Watts. Also, the voice of Samuel L. Jackson is forever asking me "What's in your wallet?", no matter what he's actually saying.
5:57 PM: Catherine Martin wins Best Costume Design for Great Gatsby. Fair enough, I guess.
6:00 PM Best Makeup Design: Dallas Buyers Club. (Also, whenever anyone says the name Marc Valee, they cut to Matthew McConaughey.
6:02 PM: "Please welcome, the only person on earth higher than your blogger!"
6:05 PM: Channing Tatum is urging us to salute the fresh, creative minds of Team Oscar. I expect big things of every single member of this team.
6:07 PM: Judy Greer and Jane Krakowski are roommates? And maybe sisters?
6:12 PM: Kim Novak does not seem quite yet cryogenically defrosted.
6:14 PM: Mr. Hublot wins Best Animated Short Film.
6:15 PM: Animated feature! It is....Frozen. There is no way this could not be.
6:17 PM: Sally Field dares to praise heroes.
6:19 PM: (In Sidney Poitier voice:) "I ordered MISTER PIBB!"
6:24 PM: Song from her, performed by Karen O with help from Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig. I'd watch that sex tape. UPDATE: Well, that barely happened.
6:30 PM: Both these people have been inside Goldie Hawn.
6:36 PM: It's been decided: Ellen will not be back as host next year.
6:37 PM: 20 Feet from Stardom wins Best Documentary! Congrats to a film I've been hearing people rave about since it played SIFF 2013.
6:39 PM: DARLENE FUCKING LOVE. Holy moly. Standing O led by Bill Murray!
6:41 PM: Angela Lansbury won something! An honorary Oscar! And one for Steve Martin! How nice.
6:46 PM: According to these AmEx commercials, Tina Fey is never not-on.
6:49 PM: Ewan MacGregor and Viola Davis award the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film to....The Great Beauty!
6:51 PM: Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry's at the Oscars, starring Tyler Perry. (Introducing Nebraska, Philomena, Her, and Gravity.)
6:54 PM: I love Ellen, but she's totally phoning it in, and she's got a crappy connection.
6:56 PM: "This song is not a rebel song....This song is 'Tears in Heaven' for Nelson Mandela."
6:59 PM: Oscar orchestra sending U2 off with "Old Time Rock n Roll." SHADY.
7—7:09 PM: Gravity is winning some things. Meanwhile, I'm learning about the power of "wax." Holy crapoly. Like that sound designer, I am also over the moon.
7:11 PM: HERE WE GO. CATEGORY OF THE NIGHT. Best Supporting Actress. Don't let it be J-Law. Please.
7:14 PM: The award is Lupita Nyong'o's! America's sweetheart! Astoundingly beautiful human! And she is a most graceful speech-giver. (She thanks the Yale School of Drama.) That was beautiful. (And they orchestra played her off to the Willy Wonka theme?)
7:21 PM: Ooh, is Ellen really going to make movie stars eat pizza? That is awesome. But we don't have time for this. Also, Harrison Ford has never been happier.
7:27 PM: Bill Murray and Amy Adams should host next year. Also, Gravity wins best cinematography. AND Best Editing.
7:32 PM: I love Whoopi Goldberg. She's never not looked like shit.
7:35 PM: P!nk sings "Over the Rainbow" at the Oscars. Put Jake's dick in my mouth and, as a gay man, my life is complete.
7:43 PM The Edge is delighted by Ellen's hilarious outfit!
7:45 PM: Another award for Catherine Martin and Great Gatsby. (Production design.)
7:46 PM: Another hooray for heroes. (Or at least people doing violent things with sexy aplomb.)
7:54 PM: Glenn Close Corpse Parade!
7:58 PM: According to Bette Midler, everyone who died this year was burned to make fuel to help Bette Midler fly.
8:09 PM: Did John Travolta just have a stroke while saying "Idina Menzel"?
8:11 PM: I really want that fucking Frozen song to beat U2.
8:11 PM: No matter what happens from here, the night's big winner is Gravity.
8:17 PM: Robert Lopez just EGOT-ed! And he and his wife gave a speech that almost made me cry!
8:24 PM: Old typewriters? Must be Screenplay! And John Ridley wins for adapting 12 Years a Slave!
8:24 PM: Original screenplay goes to...Spike Jonze! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE SO PROUD OF YOU BOB NELSON!
8:32 PM: RESPECT BITCHES! He directed Ghost Dad! (Bonus: Umbrellas of Cherbourg theme!) (Also, Poitier presenting Best Director—spoiler alert?)
8:34 PM: Cuaron gets director, but ain't no way he's getting Best Picture. Sorry and eventual congratulations, Steve McQueen.
8:44 PM: I'm happy for Kate, but sad for Amy.
8:48 PM: No thanks to Woody. (Or did I miss it?)
8:51 PM: Matthew McConaughey! One-quarter of the way to an EGOT!
8:54 PM: I do not look to Matthew McConaughey for wisdom.
8:55 PM: 12 Years a Slave wins! That is sound. And look, producer Brad Pitt is holding an Oscar! Now I'm going to die. 'Night all!