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Monday, February 24, 2014

Alec Baldwin Quits Everything Forever, Maintains Insufferability

Posted by on Mon, Feb 24, 2014 at 12:25 PM

I was offended by the end of his first sentence, but I kept going.

We're used to celebrity meltdowns—and the head shaving, pot smoking, label quitting, art show having antics that come with it—but Alec Baldwin is a special case. According to this seemingly unedited op ed published by New York Magazine* yesterday, Baldwin is giving up on public life, New York, and trying to be a good person in this world full of intrusive hall monitors.

Who does Baldwin blame for his problems? In order:

The Gay Department of Justice
New York, all of it
Anyone who owns a camera
Tina Fey, for ending 30 Rock
Shia LaBeouf
Any actor who make 6 movies in a row
Director Dan Sullivan
Every talk show on MSNBC
Producer Jonathan Larkin
Head of MSNBC Phil Griffin
Rob Lowe, for being famous
James Gandolfini, for dying
Anderson Cooper
A "toxic little queen" reporter
Journalists, all
Anger, for existing as an accessible emotion
Bisyllabic words that sound like "faggot" but are not the word "faggot"
Page Six
Martin Bashir, for quitting
Mud, for being thrown at him
Bill DeBlasio
Media, all of it
The Huffington Post
Kim Kardashian
Television networks
Clogged arteries
America, all of it
Privacy, lack thereof
Autograph business, death of
Playful communication

Who is not to blame?

Traffic Cops
Store Clerks
Alec Baldwin

In this non-apologetic apology, where the "I'm sorry if I possibly offended you at any point in my life" is thrust hastily at the bottom of this list of grievances, Baldwin manages to skirt the primary issues, namely his apparent issues with anger, bigotry, and the fact that he sees nothing wrong with stomping around like a monster when anyone calls him out for being an offensive douchebag.

The fact that he uses the offensive phrase "F-to-M tranny" in his mea culpa tells you everything you need to know about his approach, but it's even more telling that he flew to Hawaii to look for a homophobic pardon, placing the impetus on gay people to forgive him instead of running to a therapist to consider how he might force his own evolution.

I couldn't help but think of that old saying when reading this, the one that goes "If you point a finger there are usually five fingers pointing back at you." Alec Baldwin is being assaulted by fingers right now, but he's too blind to see that the problem is calling from inside the house. Instead of earnest conversation, time, and a willingness to figure out how to stop being such an ornery prick, he's taking his millionaire ball and going home to the hills of California to hide behind gated communities and yes men.

When the people you victimize can't fix you, I guess you just have to go back to your tribe with your tail between your legs, or, if you're Alec Baldwin, waving a Les Miserables-sized flag of unfairness.

May he find peace in his waning days. Thankfully, Shia LaBeouf is poised and ready to take up the dusty mantle he leaves behind.

*Full disclosure: I work for New York Magazine.


Comments (36) RSS

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fletc3her 1
He was good in Beetlejuice.
Posted by fletc3her on February 24, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
Dr_Awesome 2
And please may he take his shit-show on a road tour next year, a la Martin 'WINNING!' Sheen.

Come to think of it, Mr. Baldwin also needs a catchy catchphrase too.
Posted by Dr_Awesome on February 24, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
Um, I think you missed the tone of his piece a little. Like when you say Baldwin retaliates against anyone who "calls him out for being an offensive douchebag": he was calling out people who had accused him of saying things that he did not say, which is quite different. Also your list of who Baldwin blames for his problems, well, it was kinda weird actually.
Posted by rubus on February 24, 2014 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Him "blaming" Tina Fey:

Last year began with making plans to do a play called Orphans, on Broadway. I was filled with hope. I had spent six and a half years on a television sitcom. I won every award you could win in television. I got paid well. And people loved 30 Rock. And I loved 30 Rock. I mean, sometimes you do a show that’s a hit show and you hate it. As my agent used to say, you don’t want to be walking down an alleyway with a flashlight in your hand for ten years, doing some police procedural. We had a ball. And everybody was funny. And I’ll never laugh that way again. And I miss that show terribly. I know we all had to move on because it’s Tina Fey’s show and Tina had worked herself to death. She’s a mom with two kids. Eventually, it had to end. But I’ll never have it that good again, professionally.

Your summary is, at best, totally dishonest.
Posted by doceb on February 24, 2014 at 12:44 PM · Report this
hes right; huff po and msnbc are shit; possibly WORSE than fox news. Thats basically the only thing of substance to take away here. [huffpo did seem better during the bush admin but since then they doubled down on the tabloid gossip and dumbed down everything else.]
Posted by carsten coolage on February 24, 2014 at 12:49 PM · Report this
sirkowski 6
Is there a good reason to be offended or to care about any of this?
Posted by sirkowski on February 24, 2014 at 1:02 PM · Report this
MrBaker 7
It's his own vanity fair.

He was good as Sir Topham Hat, in Thomas the Tank Engine, but not as good as George Carlin.
Posted by MrBaker on February 24, 2014 at 1:13 PM · Report this
yelahneb 8
"If you point a finger there are usually five fingers pointing back at you."

Four would be the maximum possible - and with the position of the thumb, three seems more likely.
Posted by yelahneb on February 24, 2014 at 1:17 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 9
Oh well, we've still got, what... four other Baldwins in storage if we need a shot.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 24, 2014 at 1:25 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 10
I agree with his list. Except that director has the same name as my Dad so I can't blame him.
Posted by Max Solomon on February 24, 2014 at 1:35 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 11
I love when the pursuit of fame and big money are achieved, the crying begins. Poor, pitiful me. I need even more attention in my solitude.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on February 24, 2014 at 1:38 PM · Report this
treacle 12
Wait, there's a Gay Department of Justice?
When did that happen? Will we have a Gay Department of Defense soon as well? Crazy. That's what I get for not reading the news often enough, I guess.
Posted by treacle on February 24, 2014 at 1:39 PM · Report this
He's been called out several times over his career for toxic, out-of-control anger.

If people keep telling you that you have a tail, you might want to turn around and look.
Posted by Clayton on February 24, 2014 at 1:56 PM · Report this
@8: First, most people have 2 hands, but second, the implication is that other people are pointing at you =P

That said, I think Alec has probably enough money to purchase a lot of people's time to point back...
Posted by Hanoumatoi on February 24, 2014 at 1:57 PM · Report this
Really makes me wish Whedon had written that scene in 'Serenity" so that Jayne got run through with the Reaver's giant stake, rather than Wash...

...Oh, wait. You mean the OTHER Baldwin meltdown from this weekend.
Posted by COMTE on February 24, 2014 at 2:09 PM · Report this

I have no sympathy for this guy but for the opposite reason of most here. He's obviously this big heterosexual douche who wants to parade around his money and love of younger women, but at the same time he surrounded himself with a cache of Libocrats and Agendists. The cognitive dissonance could indeed be heard all the way from NYC.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://_ on February 24, 2014 at 2:17 PM · Report this
Meh. No story.
Posted by PBJ on February 24, 2014 at 2:24 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 18

Isn't it Whedon's m.o. to kill off *sympathetic* characters?
Posted by keshmeshi on February 24, 2014 at 2:35 PM · Report this
He denies saying "faggot" and claims he's not a homophobe, though he readily admits that he called somebody a "cocksucker". If he doesn't hate men who suck cocks, is he inferring that he only hates women who suck cocks? Cuz misogynists can go to hell, too.
Posted by mrjoe on February 24, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this

True, but I'd wager anti-gay bigots, NRA members and Peruvian chullo fetishists found him "sympathetic".
Posted by COMTE on February 24, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
Er, meant for @18...
Posted by COMTE on February 24, 2014 at 2:49 PM · Report this
Phoebe in Wallingford 22
He was excellently cast along with Cate Blanchette in Blue Jasmine.
Posted by Phoebe in Wallingford on February 24, 2014 at 3:12 PM · Report this
@16 He lost a game of leftist limbo and hung his head in shame. How low can you go?
Posted by North by Northwest on February 24, 2014 at 3:14 PM · Report this
Original Andrew 24
Whatta drama queen.
Posted by Original Andrew on February 24, 2014 at 3:30 PM · Report this
seandr 25
Danielle, the article in the link bears no relation to the article you describe.
Posted by seandr on February 24, 2014 at 3:32 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 26
It amuses me that he takes pride in not learning lines ahead of time, and getting Shia LaBeef fired because Shia HAD learned his lines ahead of time and wanted to benefit from rehearsals.

It amuses me that he thinks cocksucker is an OK term but faggot is homophobic.

It amuses me that he takes offense to people who would take offense at his using homophobic language intended to offend.

But, what really amused me is that msnbc treated him like Starbucks treats their employees. Giving them a suspension with hope that they'll come back...then firing them. They have a lesbian anchor who gets them high ratings. Of course she's going up take offense when they hire a asshole with anger issues and a tendency to use both homophobic and misogynistic language.

Go away, Alec Baldwin. I might have defended you on the heat of the moment cocksucker calling, but this was a pile of shit far worse than that.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on February 24, 2014 at 3:42 PM · Report this
Are you people still talking about that man? Can't people find that drivel in the Enquirer or the Seattle Times if they really want to?
Posted by anon1256 on February 24, 2014 at 4:27 PM · Report this
biffp 28
Agree with @4. That is a misleading characterization to help support your character assassination. With that said, anyone who gives the 'I'm sorry if I offended anyone' apology deserves what they get - Madonna. I am sick of that arrogant non-apology.
Posted by biffp on February 24, 2014 at 5:08 PM · Report this
Knat 29
Is he going to take Sean Hannity with him? Please say yes.
Posted by Knat on February 24, 2014 at 5:39 PM · Report this
@22 You always have something good to say about people. I admire that. Are you Scandinivian? How about coffee on Greenlake someday? I'm a harmless old Norwegian.
Posted by longwayhome on February 24, 2014 at 8:07 PM · Report this
DOUG. 31
I liked Baldwin's diatribe, and agreed with much of it. The media landscape is mostly shit. I am not surprised that a writer who recently penned an article titled "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: A Fistful of Dildos" would be uncomfortable with it.
Posted by DOUG. on February 24, 2014 at 9:14 PM · Report this
@30 -- That is adorable.
Posted by Amanda on February 25, 2014 at 7:39 AM · Report this
JB_GreenLake 33
Personally I like his sarcasm & late-emerging humor. Where is yours?
Posted by JB_GreenLake on March 3, 2014 at 9:20 AM · Report this
Personally I like his sarcasm & late-emerging humor. Where is yours?
Posted by JnetNW on March 3, 2014 at 9:21 AM · Report this
JB_GreenLake 35
PS The guy got famous young, lives in a fishbowl, and feels pissed. You wouldn't be? He's smart as a whip and underneath the bluster, he cares about some good politics. Get a life & leave him some room for to blow off steam.
Posted by JB_GreenLake on March 3, 2014 at 9:31 AM · Report this
JB_GreenLake 36
PS The guy got famous young, lives in a fishbowl, and feels pissed. You wouldn't be? He's smart as a whip and underneath the bluster, he cares about some good politics. Get a life & leave him some room to blow off steam.
Posted by JB_GreenLake on March 3, 2014 at 9:35 AM · Report this

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