While synonymous with "hearts" and "flowers" and "love" and "disappointment" and "fuck off, society, I'm single," let's be real, Valentine's Day is really just about one thing: SUGAR! Sugar doesn't care about your relationship status, it simply wants to take your taste buds out all night and show them how taste buds ought to be treated. Maybe you want to let your special person know how much you care by filling their backpack with candy (hint hint). Or maybe you don't have a sweetie, just a sweet tooth. Or maybe you're 8 years old. Whatever the case, drop that kale salad, you wet blanket—we're going on a fantastic drugstore journey to find out what's happening with candy this season!
We'll begin with the biggest outrage in Valentine's Day history: the great loss of the Sweethearts conversation hearts (as we knew them). In 2010, I was confused, and then disgusted, to find that while Sweethearts kept their packaging similar, they'd unexpectedly "updated" the 109-year-old recipe and changed the flavors, i.e., dipped them in something similar to aspartame-flavored hairspray, even adding blue-fucking-raspberry to the mix. That winter, I wrote to Necco many times about their poor judgment, and to see if there were any warehouses full of the old candies that someone could theoretically purchase (I was in a real state). They never responded.